Hello dearies,
so this is a Olicity oneshot that needed to get out of my system. Hope you like it :-)
- Maybe -
Felicity's whole body shivered. It was like the emptiness had transformed into something physical and was now slowly taking over her body. It crept through her veins like acid and left irretrievable wounds on it's way. How did it come so far? When had her life taken this turn and transformed her quirky smiling self into someone so … desperate? Of course it was a rhetorical question she new exactly when.
When he left.
When he said those words to her and left.
When he didn't come back.
She was sitting at her desk in the arrow cave, how Cisco had put it so nicely, and ran her hand over her face. This place felt like a ghost town without Oliver around. What the hell, whole Starling City was a ghost town without him ! (Only with really really brutal and mean ghostlike figures.)
He was missing for two weeks now and it didn't do the city any favors. The absence of it's vigilante was clearly felt. Robberies, abductions, murders. It had all swashed through the surface one after the other and suddenly all at once. Dig, Roy and Felicity did their best to contain it but it was time to face it. Without the Arrow this city was lost.
She was lost.
A few weeks ago she hadn't wanted a maybe. The maybe between his words had been killing her. How was she supposed to move on, to be happy, to fall in love with someone else. When there was this chance that, maybe, one day Oliver would let her in? That one day kissing him would not be a wordless way of saying "I love you but this is goodbye to us." but an ordinary every day action like "Good morning baby." / "Have a nice day, honey." / "Go get that bastard and kick his ass, babe." / "I 'll stay here and give you directions, darling."
Damn it, how she had hated that maybe! But today she wished for nothing more than a maybe.
Maybe he was still alive. Maybe the note they had received from Ra's al Ghul was a feint. Maybe Dig would come home from his trip to Nanda Parbat with Oliver by his side. Maybe he would be wounded but they would take care of that. Maybe she'll wake up in her bed and all this was just a bad dream. Felicity sighed and tried to suppress her tears, but she hadn't any strength left ...
"Felicity!" it was Roy's voice snapping her out of her depressing thoughts.
"I'm here!" was all she managed to say and put herself upright, ready to hack the hell out of her computer.
"What's up with you? I've called you four times." he sounded upset but also concerned.
The last one she got often over the last days. Roy shooting her a worried glance or putting a hand on her shoulders. It was kind of consoling to know, that he had her back and hadn't lost it, like she did, that he was still capable of worrying for someone. Right now she was only capable of worrying for one person and as far as she knew this person already surpassed the point where worry would do any good.
She knew Roy mourned in his own way. He put all his anger into his actions. He was out night after night trying to stop Starling City from becoming a hell mouth. Returning at dawn and sleeping the whole day through, recharging his batteries, to be ready to put on his hood in the night. Again and again.
Diggle had remained the optimistic one during the first days, when they had waited for a sign from Oliver. He had even brought Sara two times. He said because Lyla had something important to do and couldn't take care of her but Felicity knew it was his way of showing her hope, of taking her mind of Oli, of putting a smile on her face when she was playing with the little one. But that didn't last long. On day 5 they got the message from Ra's al Ghul about Olivers passing and even hopeful Dig couldn't hide his inner uproar any more.
They were shocked.
They were angry.
They were devastated.
But none of them wanted to believe it.
It took them exactly 23 hours to come up with a fully fledged plan. Dig would fly to Nanda Parbat and see for himself if the news were true. They had contacted Nyssa and had her word that no one would harm him. The former hostility had only applied to Oliver and his blood was shed, there was nothing to be afraid of. Although Nyssa didn't know why they would even bother to send someone. The Arrow was dead. No trip would change that.
It was those words that finally crushed Felicity. It felt like someone had put a knife into her chest and had some fun twisting it. It hurt so much. She couldn't even breathe, all air had left her lungs, all breath had left her.
How would she ever be capable of breathing again?
Of course she was able to breathe again, like 6 seconds later. But still the feeling of breathlessness stayed. Since then it had been an continuous panting for air. Her days were a sequence of every day actions. Sleeping, showering, eating … It was all she could manage. Ray had showed up at her doorstep twice, but she couldn't even get up to slam the door right in his friendly face. She didn't want to see him. She didn't want to see anybody, except …
She had almost begged Diggle to take her with him. But she knew he was right, when he told her that the city needed her. Roy couldn't handle it alone. The city was already miserable as it was. Felicity leaving Starling City would only make it worse. And he needed the city intact especially for Lyla and the baby.
So she had let him go.
8 days ago.
8 days of torture.
8 days of pain.
8 days of maybe.
"Felicity?" It was just a hoarse whisper.
Again a voice broke through her thoughts, but this time it wasn't Roy's, it was Dig's. Felicity got up from her chair in a heartbeat and whirled around to him. Dig was standing right in front of the staircase. He said nothing more. He didn't need to say anything. Him standing there, with this look on his face. It was all she needed to see.
And in this moment Felicity knew, she had gotten her wish.
No maybes for her anymore.
Oliver was dead.
Team Arrow wasn't anymore.
She didn't realize anything of what happened next. She didn't realize, that Dig and she both dropped to the floor in unison. That there was no strength left in any of them to answer Roy's unheard call through the headset. That they both cried with a primeval sound, captured in the raw pain of the loss of a friend, a brother, an almost lover … a hero.
Somehow Diggle made it over to her and took her in his arms. Cradled her like his Sara. Let her cry all the tears she needed to cry. Even if it would take the whole night, even if it would take the whole day. He would stay here at his friends side and comfort her. There was nothing more anyone on this whole damn planet could do for her. She was in pain. She had loved Oli and she had lost him. Oliver had known the risk of being a vigilante. This pain was the exact thing he'd tried to protect her from, pushing her away.
And he had failed her.
He had failed him.
He had failed this city.