To all our service men and women and their families; God bless you and keep you safe. Never doubt how much you are appreciated and loved.
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Sara unlocked the door and trudged slowly into her house. Work had been a hectic, stressful, emotional swirl of hell, and because he wasn't here, it only made it worse. He wasn't there to stand by her side during it, to comfort her after it, or to prepare her for the next day of it. Sometimes she cried for him, sometimes she would scream at him, even though he wasn't there. But mostly, she'd write him letters.
She picked up the newspaper sitting on the kitchen table and nearly had a heart attack. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she slid into a nearby chair and read the headline; 2 Days, 20 Dead. Sara felt tears come to her eyes but forcibly wiped then away as she tried to read the article.
"In the past two days, the death count in Iraq and its surrounding area has climbed rapidly. On the first day, six men were killed, followed by fourteen the next day. Families in northern and central Ohio mourn the loss of their sons, brothers, husbands, and fathers. The battalion attacked on these two days was based out of Ohio….."
Slowly, Sara started to breathe again. Based out of Ohio, based out of Ohio…it's all right, he's okay…but God, so much killing…I wish he was right here…
As Sara thought of how far away Nick was from her now, the tears came again. Nick was halfway across the world, ordered into central Iraq. Right in the danger zone.
He could die. That's all she thought about the day he told her he had signed up for the Marines. His grandfather, his father, they had both gone to their respective wars, and now it was time for him to go. She sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder that day; she had no idea for how long.
But she had stood emotionless as she and the rest of the original nightshift saw him off onto the plane. Catherine had cried, Greg and Warrick's eyes were incredibly red, and even Grissom had a stray tear crawling down his cheek. Nick had hugged each one before he finally came to Sara. Her face was blank, but she knew her eyes gave her away when he reached out to touch her cheek. He slowly caressed it once until she collapsed and fell into him, crying into his neck. He held her for a long moment, kissed the top of her head until her crying stopped.
"Bye, Sar…" he whispered in her ear before turning, picking up his bags, and heading off. He turned to look back at them once, waving with a smile as tears streamed down his face, before he kept going, walking onto the plane without a second glance.
Sara never told him she loved him.
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Lying in bed now, Sara wished more than anything she could feel him next to her. What she wouldn't give to slide her hand across the cool, crisp sheets and accidentally brush against his chest. She hugged her pillow tight as she read the letter he had sent her a few weeks ago for the millionth and a half time.
Sar –
Wow. This week has been incredibly hard and emotional for me. There has been an increased amount of fighting; resistance to the new government is spreading like wildfire and it's all we can do to fight it, not to mention lessen it.
I cannot believe I've been gone a year. Thanksgiving is next month, and Christmas just around the corner after that. I miss home. Huh…while it's true I miss my family in Texas, when I think of home out here, I think of Vegas. They say home is where the heart is; I guess my heart follows me around. But that can't be true…it's in Vegas now, and I don't think it's going anywhere.
I miss you guys incredibly. Despite all that happens, at the end of the day, I come back and look at that photo album you gave me before I left. The one of us on the cover is my favorite, I'm glad it's the first one I see. It always brings a smile to my face.
I got your letter a few moments ago and just had to write back. I read it no less than six times before I pulled out my own paper and pen. I won't be able to write for awhile, and I can't tell you why, so I have to write tonight.
I'm sorry work sucks. I know how it is, believe me; too bad my irresistible charm isn't there to cheer you up.
Warrick and Cath are together? FINALLY. It took them long enough, but I knew they'd figure it out eventually. Isn't it funny how sometimes to people love each other so much, and everyone else can see the other loves them except those two people? I'm not sure if that makes sense…but I'm sure you'll understand me. You always do.
Hmm...I just had a funny idea. I'm sitting outside, getting some fresh air while I write to you. Anyway I'm staring up at the brightest, purest star I've ever seen, and I'm wondering if you're staring at the same one.
I hope you are.
I'll be receiving word in the next two weeks when I'll be returning home. When I see you, face to face, there's something I need to talk to you about.
I miss you –
Nick
By the time Sara had read the entire letter, she was fast asleep. But the letter rested on her chest; her small effort to make Nick seem as close to her as she could.
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Of all the things I believed in
I just wanna get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
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Another day, another dollar. That's what Catherine said nearly everyday when shift was finally over. And yet, money couldn't matter less to Sara anymore. As she clocked out on time that day, Sara couldn't help but chuckle at how Nick would praise her for avoiding overtime.
She unlocked the door to her apartment some fifteen minutes later and plopped down on the couch for some much needed shut eye. Just as she was about to drift fully off into dream land, she heard a familiar click. The mail was here.
Nick…maybe he had written…MAIL!
Her eyes flew open and she sat upright. Whistling and the sound of footsteps moving away from her doorstep gave her the permission she needed to open the front door and take the mail out of the box in a very rushed motion.
She flicked through bills, advertisements and magazines quickly before sighing.
No letter.
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I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years are just pretend
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Sara sank into the large armchair in the middle off her living room and curl into a fetal-position like ball. Searching through her heart the past few weeks and trying to sort out feelings had led her to one conclusion, and every time she missed him, thought about him, got excited, or sad about anything to do with Nick, or wished he was home, these feelings resurfaced within Sara.
She was in love with him.
Now most people deal with love as if it is something magical; something beautiful. But not Sara. Not when Sara thought about Nick. When she thought about Nick, she just got…
…confused.
She missed Nick. A lot. The thought about him a lot. She got excited when the mail came, depressed when she hadn't heard from him in a while, dreamy about his return, and emotional when she thought about him in any way. And yet, Nick knew none of this. Sara was so sick of thinking about how much she missed him, how excited she was to see him, how much she wanted him home, and that was for one reason and one reason only.
She had never told him that she loved him.
Maybe she had said it as a friend, but not as more, which was what she wanted. Maybe she felt she couldn't tell him over a letter; she wanted to see his reaction right then, and wanted him to hear her voice when she said it. Maybe she was going to wait and surprise him, maybe she would never tell him.
But maybe, just maybe, she was scared. Maybe she felt like it would be a Hank repeat. Maybe, he simply wouldn't feel the same way she did. But what she was most afraid of, what Sara thought would be the most frightening, chancy, least predictable thing in the world, was that he would love her back.
Could someone give her that new start? Free her from the three years that she had been thrashed be bad relationships and pointless adorations? Could he really love her that much? Was there someone that could love her for who she was, for everything that she was?
And so, when it came to the topic of Nick and love, Sara was confused.
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And I said…
Good bye to you
Goodbye to every thing that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
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So Sara decided, at that point in time, that she was not going to think about Nick in any way. She had to let go of her feelings; she knew Nick would never return them. So she was determined to dismiss them.
From now on, she would write to him and read his letters with no thoughts of the world beyond friendship. She had to; for her sake as well as his. Nick was over in Iraq fighting a war, and all she could think about was how bad she felt for herself because she couldn't sort out her feelings. She had to stop. It was killing her inside.
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I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day with out you
Closing my eyes
And you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
And it's not right
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And yet, she still dreamed of his return. No matter how hard she tried, she could just see picture their joyful reunion; she'd pour her soul out to him, and hold him and kiss him and have him assure her that he really was home, completely safe.
Sometimes, she'd sit in the break room and just allow this daydream to wash away the stresses of work. She'd dream not only of his return, but of times they shared before he left, and the life they'd have together in the future.
It was all she could do to keep her feelings in check. Something small like watching the news, reading the paper, hearing Grissom accidentally ask for Nick, or even passing by his locker was tough for her.
Once she'd even found herself unconsciously driving to Nick's instead of going home after work. She sighed as she drove down his street, finally realizing where she was and shaking her head at herself for not turning back.
She'd gotten out of her car that day, walked up to Nick's apartment and let herself right in. She had sat on his couch for hours, hugging his pillow and breathing in his scent. Tears flowed silently down her cheeks as she begged out loud for him to come home, and upon hearing no answer, she would just scream some more.
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Good bye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
And I'm not giving up this time
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Sara tried to forget about Nick; she truly, truly did. It just seemed to her that, no matter what she did, what she thought about, and how she lived or wanted to live her life, that Nick, regardless of whether he as here or not, was a huge part of it.
Sara brain told her she wanted nothing to do with Nick. It told her to stop obsessing over him; he hadn't given her any indication that he loved her, and she was just going to make a fool of herself if she told him.
But Sara's heart was telling her she wanted everything to do with Nick. She wanted him in so many more ways then one. She wanted to be with him, to date him, to love him, to be loved by him, to live with him, to marry him, to have kids with him, and to grow old with him. She just wanted Nick, and her heart was telling her that if she gave herself and him the chance, it just might happen.
And then her brain would jut in with the simple, obvious, more level-minded thought that Nick didn't love her, and didn't know that she loved him.
It was so hard to want everything and nothing at the same time, but that's what Sara was feeling.
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Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything that I knew
You were the one that I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
The one thing that I tried to hold onto
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As she walked along the strip, a walk she and Nick had taken many times before, Sara knew what she had to do.
She had to give Nick that chance.
She had opened up to Grissom and waited for him for three years plus. She had opened up to Hank, some random guy who ended up breaking her heart. It was the least she could do to tell her best friend she was in love with him, and hope that even if he didn't feel the same way, things could be okay.
She had to give Nick that chance to love her back.
At that moment, Sara let go of all her doubts. All she had known all her life were doubts, and now, she refused to hold onto them any longer.
She smiled as she reached the "End of the Strip; End of the World", a little park a small ways beyond the strip's edge. She sat on a nearby bench and listened to the bustle of the crowd, the flash a gazillion lights, and felt the small space in her heart just knowing some day, Nick would come home, and she would tell him her true feelings.
She smiled as she looked through a part in the trees and stared at the brightest star in the sky.
She didn't even have to think twice to know Nick was now watching the exact same one.
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And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
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Author's Note
I hope you've enjoyed the story thus far; I personally feel it is one of my most mature and best writings. Although I have no personal connection to anyone serving in Iraq and have no idea what those who do are feeling as they wait for their loved ones return, I tried to capture the emotions to the best of my knowledge and ability.
This story is, as far as I am aware, one of a few of its kind. I hope it was something different for you to read, while not being too different.
I plan on at least two more chapters.
The Notorious Cat