James Sirius Potter reached the door of the nursery and turned back. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready. He wasn't ready.
"Calm down James" He felt his father's hands on his back, round him, soothing him. "Everything's going to be fine" How could his father be so calm! Of course everything wasn't fine, how could it be! He was in a muggle hospital about to meet his daughter, whose mother had died mere hours ago in childbirth, he was in sixth year for goodness sake, he wanted to go off and explore the world, not spend his years struggling to support some child. He let the tears run down his face with a frustrated sigh,
"It's all going wrong" He sobbed into his father's shoulder,
"Shhhhh, my baby boy, be brave" James smiled through his tears, trust his father to turn all sentimental on him.
"Gryffindor brave all the way" Harry chuckled at this,
"You are brave James, Gryffindor or not, you've always been brave"
"Not brave enough to…"
"Shush, don't worry about that now, this baby girl needs your help"
"But what if I don't even like her!" James exploded angrily, "What if I don't want her messing everything up!"
"Then that was your mistake!" Harry was angry too now, "We've supported you with this, we could have shunned you, kicked you out. But no, we've supported you every step of the way, we've even offered to support her two weeks of every three so you can scrape a couple of NEWTS! It's a big commitment for me and your mum, we've both got full time jobs, people to see, speeches to make! This is not her fault Jamie! It's not her who messed everything up it was you and her mother! Get over yourself, go in there and be a father to her!" James stepped back in shock, his father never shouted, ever, not even when he smashed the time turner and Al got sent back in time or he tried to make Lily and Hugo make an unbreakable vow to marry each other.
He realised what a prat he must come across as, a healthy, intelligent, 16 year old wizard with two parents! (He couldn't say the same for everyone in his family) He had a future ahead of him, messed up because he was spoilt and bratty and scared and jealous. That's why he had really done it, ran off and got the muggle girl pregnant, jealousy. Albus was the lucky one really, he may have been a Slytherin but at least everybody knew his name. Albus Severus Potter, surprise Slytherin and gay champion with a Malfoy boyfriend – famous in his own right! Not like James, oh, that Potter, the stupid bully, Harry Potter's son. God he hated that phrase, it was the only thing he was known for, he didn't even deserve that.
Anyway, what if he was a terrible father, what if this baby didn't like him, didn't want him! That would be worse wouldn't it? His father was still watching him, though the anger had just turned to pain and sadness,
"Sorry Jamie, I shouldn't have shouted" Harry looked tired, worn out.
"I deserved it, I've been a complete dick,"
"or been using it too much" James gave a shadow of a smile, and Harry grinned,
"Lighten up, you've always been the prankster in this family, don't lose that now. We still want you James and will support you every step of the way, I promise."
"But what if she doesn't want me!" James burst out suddenly, "What if I'm awful, I'm sixteen for fucks sake, I don't know a thing about babies!"
"Well firstly that language has to stop, right now, and secondly it will just come to you, and she will love you, you're her father, she'd probably still love you if you ignored her completely!"
"Then why can't I!"
Harry looked ready to shout again but then just gave a small defeated sigh,
"Because you're her father James Potter, and she deserves to know you. Think of Teddy, do you know what he would give to have parents? One parent? All of this definitely, being a wizard, having us, having the Weasley's, his job! Bloody hell, there's nothing Ted wouldn't give up if it meant he could be raised by his parents."
"What about you Dad, what would you give up for yours?" James whispered
If Harry was surprised by his question he hid it well,
"At your age, everything. Now, I wouldn't give up the family I have for the world, not even if I got to be raised by my parents, just like in a years' time, or two, you wouldn't want to give up this baby, not even for Quidditch, or a girlfriend or a good shag" James ducked his head in shame, was he that obvious? "Just go in and see her, and everything might start to make sense."
"She doesn't even have a name,"
"Think of one, she's your baby" James nodded in defeat and allowed his father to lead him into the small hospital nursery. Inside the room was warm and dark; the drawn curtains bathed the whole room in a soft pink light. It smelled like disinfectant and had light green walls that clashed with blue curtains. It was completely empty apart from a large armchair next to a small bassinet. Peering through the gloom James could just make out the shape of an infant wrapped inside. His father gave him one final nod and shut the door. James panicked and almost left the room again, then remembered what was waiting for his outside, perhaps he could just go sit down for half an hour, pretend he had held her and looked at her, just a quick peek would be fine.
Slowly James made his way over towards the chair, sitting down he kicked off his shoes and sank into it, curling up his long legs and closing his eyes, that felt good, he had been on his feet too long. Sinking back into the chair he realised just how sleepy he was, it really was quite warm in here, and the chair was comfy too. He was almost dropping when he heard the gurgle, then again. Surely one peek wouldn't do any harm. He opened his eyes and peered into the fold of blankets.
Wow. She was beautiful. She looked like her mother James thought as his breath caught, he wasn't sleepy anymore. She had the lightest smattering of dark hair, just like mine, James thought ruefully, running a hand through his own curly locks. The tears that had been leaking onto his face since his fight with his father stopped. Her eyes, though, they were like his fathers, bright green and inquisitive. Smart, calculating eyes, Al's eyes. James almost began crying again as he thought of his brother. He had been so mean to him, shunning him all these years, and now he wasn't even brave enough to say sorry. Al lived with the Malfoys now, betrayed by his own family. James wished Al still lived with them. He would know what to do with the baby, he would pick her up and coo and not feel stupid.
James started suddenly, he knew who he wanted her god father to be, not Fred or James, his friends, but Al, Al would make a great god-father and he knew it. It would mean a lot to Al too, a peace offering as such, and he could trust Al, he knew that. He leant on the side of the cot to watch her squirm; she wasn't really doing much, just looking around curiously. What about a god-mother? James thought hard, who would he trust with his baby? Woah, when did this squirt become his baby? He looked curiously at her again, and she stared back. He reached down tentatively touch her nose with one finger,
"WAAAAHHHHHH WAHHHHHH WAAHHHHHH"
"Shit" James panicked, he didn't know what to do, the babies' cries were getting louder, and frantically he gathered her up and began to speak,
"Shhhh, baby girl shhhh" James held her against him and rocked her gently, she was heavier than he expected, what it just him or were her cries getting quieter? "My baby, yeah that's right, my baby." James held her in both arms now, and brought up his knees in the chair so she was protected between his body and legs. "That's right little girl, you belong to me now" She quieted again, going back to her semi curious mode with a small yawn. Good one, James congratulated himself, crisis averted. He continued to speak, hoping she would just fall asleep.
"Hiya baby girl, you're beautiful, you know that? Just like your good ol' papa here. But you don't look like me, you look like your mum, but she's not here anymore. Sorry baby, she's gone." James sniffed, cursing himself for crying, but continued. "But you've got me baby girl, for however much that counts, and Lily, and Al, he's gonna love you you know, when I tell him. Or at least I think he will, I haven't spoken to him in so long I don't really know what he likes anymore, but you're gonna help change that, aren't you baby girl?" James studied her in wonder as she yawned again, this whole talking thing seemed to be working. "Baby girl, that sounds so silly, I wish you had a proper name. Dad said I could name you but I don't want to call you something stupid. Like Elvendork, that's a stupid name. No I won't call you that." There was a pause in the conversation, the baby slept, James contemplated names as he watched her face.
"What about Ingrid? That's what your mummy was called, Ingrid, she was pretty, just like you baby, but Ingrid doesn't sound right, it'll just make us sad I think." James thought hard for a moment, "I remember, baby girl, just before Al left for the last time, he was reading this book, I can't even remember what it was called, but I pulled out two pages at the end so he would never know what had happened. He was so angry, but he couldn't prove it was me, he knew it was though, he always did, god I was so bad to him. Poor Al. See that's what I'm like when I get jealous, but I'll never do that to you baby girl, I love you little one." As he said it James realised it was true, he did love her, he had to. He had created her after all and she was just perfect, a tiny human being, and she belonged to him and him alone. Silently he smiled at her tiny sleeping form. "I'll look after you little one, I promise" Then his eyes began to droop, and just before he fell asleep he remembered the name of the book "Journey to the River Sea"
Ten Months later
"She just won't stop crying!" Lily cursed, rocking Mia back and forth as the baby howled in her arms,
"Give her here" Molly lifted the infant out of her granddaughter's arms but it made no difference, if anything the screams only intensified. "Shhhh Mia, Shhhh," Still the baby continued to cry. By now it was well past midnight and members of the household who had already gone to bed were beginning to stir at the sound of the screeching baby. First Ginny, her eyes bleary from sleep, and Harry, glasses askew,
"Where's James when you need him?" He grumbled when it was his turn to try and quiet Mia.
"Camping with Al, its essential they bond again" Ginny looked torn between standing up for his absence and wishing for a good night's sleep.
"What about that girlfriend of his? Savvy was it?" Great, now Malfoy was out of bed too. Still Mia continued to howl.
"Went home yesterday" Lily yawned, batting away Scorpius's hand as he tried to ruffle her hair. Suddenly there was a bang from the porch then sounds of swearing, once again Lily was surprised by her father's reaction speed, his wand was out before you could blink.
"Harry" She could hear the concern in her mother's voice, and her father sheepishly lowered his wand,
"Sorry Gin" Lily's parents shared a look, Mia continued to howl.
"Honestly Al," They could hear James voice carrying through, "when you said the tent was on fire, you could have mentioned you weren't joking!",
"What did you think I meant you dimwit, oh its only smoking, I'm sure it will be fine?"
" No, I thought you were just trying to… wait is that Mia?" James head poked around the door, his face was dirty with soot yet alight with humour, the whole room breathed a sigh of relief, James and Al were still good then,
"Yeah what are you doing to my God-daughter guys?" Al appeared too, black hair wayward and green eyes sparkling with mischief .
"Nothing!" Lily complained, " She just won't stop crying!" James was beside them in seconds,
"Is she hungry? Wet? Too hot? Have you felt her belly? Is she ill?" Lily was stumped by James's speed. He shrugged his wet and coat to the floor rucksack to the floor, expertly grabbing a squirming Mia from his mother and holding her against himself,
"There baby girl, that's better isn't it, you're just tired and nobody will let you sleep, yeah? Shhhh" Just like that James had forgotten about the rest of the world, the only thing that mattered to him now was his baby, he had gone into what Al called Mia Mode.
"Shhhh baby girl shhhhhh, sleepy Mia, that's right baby. You go to sleep now," Mia's cries slowly subsided into choked sobs and finally hiccups as James held her against himself and rubbed circles on her back with one big hand,
"There we go baby, that's right, yeah?" Mia mumbled something intelligible into James shoulder and once again Lily was astounded what a caring human being Mia had changed James into, Mia mumbled again and this time Lily could just make it out,
"Dada" James smiled,
"Dada is right here baby girl, I promise." Mia finally nuzzled into James's neck and closed her green eyes in pleasure
"Dada"
"Yeah" James chuckled, "Dada's got you" The whole room fell to a content silence as Mia began to sleep. As soon as he was sure he was sleeping he rounded on his parents, "Don't worry me like that! I thought something was wrong" His dad gave him an amused look,
"She's changed you Jamie, for the better" James looked sheepish at this but didn't deny it,
"And she looks like you," Malfoy broke in with a smirk, slinking his arms around Al's waist.
"Oh go to bed, the lot of you" James sighed exhaustedly, sinking down onto the sofa and moving Mia to cradle her in his arms against him, almost like he had done the very first time he held her.
And as James was absorbed by Mia's tiny beautiful face, every member of the room was reminded of how James used to be, loud, obnoxious, rude and mean. And how much for the better such a tiny perfect being had changed him. Then James turned to lie back on the sofa and Mia wiggled to lie on her belly on top of him, bum in the air, their beautiful curls mixing, black and ebony together, and not a single person wished that this mistake hadn't happened.
"Out of every piece of misfortune will come a lesson worth learning and a life worth living"
R&R