Title: "Cranky Boy"
Author: Sawyer Finn
Email: welcomed as long as it is constructive :)
Genre: Humor, team
Characters: SG-1 (no pairings)
Rating: PG
Word Count/size: 3,200 words/51.0 KB
Status: complete
Season: no later than three-ish?
Spoilers: short reference to season 2, episode "The Fifth Race"
Summary: Jack drags Daniel on a quest to find coffee when there appears to be none left in the SGC.
Author's note: this was a story in response to a challenge, so forgive any poetic license I have taken with the characters in my attempt to be humorous!
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Colonel Jack O'Neill's face twisted into a look crossed between shock and surprise. He couldn't believe what his ears had just heard. "Come again, Daniel?"
Daniel Jackson sighed loudly with exasperation, his jaw working back and forth. "I don't know how I can be any clearer on the subject, Jack." His voice was fervent as he emphasized the words 'any clearer'. He stared at Jack, who was reclining slightly in his chair. Miscellaneous papers and photographs littered the desk between the two of them. "The preliminary pictures that were sent back via the M.A.L.P. clearly show symbols from the Ancient's language."
Jack glanced down at a few of the photos, noticing that several did indeed show some sort of alien text on the stone pillars and walls. It was vaguely recognizable to him, but still not much more than scribbles for the most part. "I understand that, Daniel." He moved some of the photos around on the desk, pretending to study them, but not really looking at them.
He was actually trying to avoid Daniel's forceful gaze. Many a warrior had caved to that pleading blue-eyed stare, himself included. The archaeologist was trying his hardest to sway Jack over to his position. It was hard enough that Jack empathized with Daniel, but this was one situation where Jack had to stand his ground. If he avoided eye contact, it would at least be a bit easier to remain firm.
To Daniel, any artifact linked to the Ancients hid the potential key to defeating the Goa'uld. Jack knew in some sense, Daniel could very well be right. Both of them still dealt with vivid memories of the advanced technology that had downloaded all of the knowledge of the Ancients into Jack's brain. He had done some amazing things with that knowledge, but it had also nearly cost him his life. Close as that encounter had come, it demonstrated that the potential for powerful technology was certainly there. So he understood why this particular alien 'gibberish' had Daniel so excited he could barely sit still.
He looked back up to see that Daniel's agitation had increased. The man was determined to convince Jack of his position. He was so wound up that when sitting could no longer contain his energy, he stood up and began to pace the small confines of Jack's office.
Daniel continued speaking urgently as he stalked from one end of the small room to the other. "The potential benefits of what we could find on P5X-878 could provide us with information of the very race that built the gate!"
The young archaeologist seemed unaware of the fact that his hands were gesticulating wildly as he became more and more passionate. "The Gate Builders for goodness sake, Jack!" He ran his fingertips through tussled hair in frustration. "I just don't understand how you and General Hammond can even consider scrubbing this mission! The benefits"
Colonel O'Neill couldn't tolerate any more of Daniel's pacing. It was making him just as agitatedor at least a bit queasy from watching it. Besides, he felt like an errant school boy receiving a severe scolding from the principal. And what Daniel failed to understand was that both General Hammond and O'Neill had already weighed the potential benefits against the possible costs of heading up a mission to the planet. It was the high price of the costs that had led to the current decision that Daniel was debating against.
In Daniel's excitement about the initial findings, he had neglected to recall that the M.A.L.P. had also been destroyed by a large Jaffa strike force. By now, Jack expected the enemy to have fortified their position around the immediate area of the gate. SGC had lost the element of surprise by sending the M.A.L.P through first. Not that Jack was upset about that. He'd rather lose equipment to people any day and he hated to imagine what might have happened to an SG team walking through that gate into an area infested with Jaffa.
At any rate, sending people through the gate to P5X-878 now would most likely get them promptly captured or killed. That was something Jack was not prepared to risk at this time, especially since there were no guarantees that anything of strategical value would be found. Besides, it was more than likely that the Goa'uld had found any significant technologies first.That was probably why they were there in the first place.
So he held up his hand and interrupted Daniel's pacing, "Danny boy…"
He paused as Daniel glowered at him, possibly for using that particular nickname, but more likely for halting his tirade. Intuitively sensing how upset Daniel was about losing the mission, Jack quickly switched his train of thought. Instead of explaining the details of his decision like he wanted to, he fell back on comedic humor, hoping to defuse some of Daniel's frustration. "Have you had your morning coffee yet?" Jack flashed him an exaggerated, overly cheesy grin.
"No-oooh…" Came the drawled out the answer because Daniel seemed perplexed by the question. He should have been used to this type of interruption from Jack by now. In fact, the entire base knew about the Colonel's reputation for wisecracks and jokes in the midst of tense situations. Yet Jack's distraction resulted in its desired outcome. Daniel had stopped both his fidgeting and his pacing. He seemed to be contemplating Jack's non-sequitor seriously. "Actually, I'm trying to cut back."
Jack's eyebrows shot up in what could have been horror, but there was a distinct edge of sarcasm to the look as well. "Well don't!"
"Why?" Daniel queried back, casting Jack that look of puzzled academic scrutiny he always used when he couldn't follow what Jack was saying. Any time Daniel looked at him like that, Jack felt like a specimenor even worse, like one of the quixotic archaeologist's precious artifacts about to be tagged and analyzed.
"Because you are way too cranky without it, that's why."
"Cranky?" It was Daniel's turn to flash a look of utter disbelief at Jack. "Me?"
"Yes. You!" Jack waved his hand in Daniel's direction. "You are a very cranky boy this morning."
"Jack…I'm not cranky. I'm just trying to be serious and make a point."
"Well so am I. And I'm not going to listen to another word you say until we get some coffee flowing into that smart brain of yours."
With that, Jack jumped up from behind his desk and grabbed Daniel by the arm, guiding him out of the office and heading in the direction of the commissary. Daniel's protests died quickly as he realized Jack was determined to get his way.
o o o o o o
"Oh for crying out loud!" Jack almost wailed. The poor sergeant working behind the counter in the commissary looked like he wasn't quite sure how to respond to Jack's theatrics. "What do you mean there is no coffee this morning?"
"Just that, sir." The sergeant looked distinctly uncomfortable to be caught in O'Neill's glare. "We ran out about half an hour ago. Someone apparently forgot to fill in the requisition order for more last week."
"Well isn't that just like the military." Jack sighed over-dramatically. Then rolling his eyes, he turned to Daniel. "Paper work will be the death of us one day, Daniel, not the Goa'ulds! Mark my words!"
Daniel looked at him strangely, but there was a hint of a smile at the corners of his lips.
The sergeant, not understanding the finer nuances of the friendship that existed between the two people holding up his line, tried to be helpful by adding, "We do have decaf coffee, sir."
Jack cringed and Daniel shuddered, their distaste at the thought of having to drink decaf coffee evident in each of their equally disgusted facial expressions. They looked at each other and then at the sergeant and replied in unison, "No thanks." Both of them quickly moved away from the counter.
"Now what?" Daniel asked as he followed Jack out of the commissary, sensing that Jack wasn't quite through with this impulse to get him coffee. In truth, Daniel really hoped to return to the previous conversation about the scrubbed mission. Even though he was gradually resigning himself to the idea that there would be no mission to the planet as he had first hoped, he wasn't quite ready to let the issue drop. All he'd been thinking about for hours were those ruins and what secrets they held. He'd barely slept the night before. Suddenly feeling drained, he realized that coffee was sounding better and better. Apparently, Jack knew him well.
"Well now it's personal." Jack answered, his strides long a purposeful. Daniel had to almost jog to keep up as they moved quickly down the hall.
"Personal?" Daniel asked. He felt like the situation was becoming more surreal by the moment. But that was typical at the SGC. One moment you were caught up in an intense emotional or life-threatening crisis, and then in the next, you were laughing at the simple things in life, which often included the Colonel's antics. Daniel had been here long enough to no longer question it. It was easier to just go with the flow. After all, he figured it was just the way people like O'Neill dealt with the difficult job of defending the planet against overwhelming odds on a daily basis.
"Yep." Jack answered Daniel, not pausing in his determined pace. "Imagine them trying to supplicate us with decaf!" Jack looked over his shoulder at Daniel. "Decaf, Daniel!"
Daniel smirked back at him and couldn't resist a jibe at the Colonel's expense. "Oh c'mon, Jack. Now who's the cranky boy?" Jack abruptly stopped in his tracks. His eyes narrowed to thin slivers while his mouth formed the puckered shape of a sulking glower. For a moment, Daniel almost expected the Colonel to stick out his tongue as well.
However, Jack simply turned and continued in is his determined track down the hall. They walked in companionable silence for several minutes. Daniel could tell he was plotting his next move. He could almost hear Jack's mind pondering and discarding various options for a plan of action. He realized that Jack was on a mission to obtain coffee at all costs. At this point, Daniel was along for the ride. Never mind that he was really starting to crave some himself now.
Something fell into place in Jack's mind, because he suddenly spoke. "Carter." The statement was simple, as if Jack expected Daniel to understand whatever idea he had brewed up.
"Sam?" Daniel asked. "What about Sam?"
"She'll have coffee."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Oh c'mon now…we're talking about Captain Samantha Carter here."
"So?" Daniel wasn't following Jack's logic.
"So…she's a scientist and in the military." Jack stressed the word 'and' as if it were the key to understanding his entire thought process. When Daniel continued to look at him oddly, he continued to explain, "That's like two strikes short of a caffeine overdose just waiting to happen. I bet she's got her own personal stash of high quality Columbian java stashed somewhere in that lab of hers."
It took a moment for Daniel to sort out the meaning of Jack's quirky mixed-up statement. "Are you insinuating that scientists and military officers are all coffee addicts?"
Jack replied, "Well duh!" He made a comical face at Daniel. "Look at you. A few hours without it and you're pacing my office like a caged animal."
Daniel protested, "I wasn't pacing. I was trying to convince you of the importance of"
Jack interrupted "It's moot for now, Daniel. Besides, look at me. Even if you claim you don't need coffee at the moment, I know I need some now or I'm going to go postal on someone."
Daniel mulled that over for a moment, debating how serious Jack was. Suddenly he realized he could use a good dose of coffee just to keep up with his friend's thought processes.
o o o o o o
Samantha Carter set down her mug and leaned over the table for a closer look at the newest schematics for a naquada generator. She was heading up a small team of scientists that were attempting to alter pieces of the original design of the generator. They hoped that by doing so they could improve the power output while still maintaining its stability. After all, it wouldn't do to make the generator more powerful, only to have it accidentally blow up. She was so absorbed in the work, that she never heard Daniel or Jack enter the room.
"Morning, Carter." Sam jumped at the sound of Colonel O'Neill's voice. Jack continued, "What's in the cup?" Without asking, he moved in close, peering over her shoulder to catch a peek at the contents of her coffee mug. He appeared downright hopeful.
She looked over at him, eyebrows raised. "It's just an herbal tea, Sir." She watched with interest as Jack picked up the mug, examining its contents. Disappointment was clearly evident on his face. "Why do you ask?"
Jack shrugged casually. "Mess hall's all out of coffee." He swirled Sam's mug, sloshing the brew around a bit before taking a sniff of it. His nose crinkled in distaste, so he quickly set the mug back down on the table. As he used a finger tip to wipe up a tiny spot of tea that had spilled, he looked up at Sam, and flashed her one of his charming smiles. "Daniel and I are on a quest to locate some."
"Jack thought that you might have some secret coffee stash we could raid." Daniel quickly piped in. She noticed that he placed particular emphasis on the word 'secret' as if he knew it sounded ridiculous. Daniel exchanged a pointed look with Jack that seemed to say "I told you so." Jack held out his hands in question to Daniel, as he silently mouthed, "What?"
Sam quietly observed their antics and shook her head. "Sorry I can't help you, sir. I don't have any coffee here in the lab."
"Actually, it was more for Daniel than me." Jack pointed a thumb in Daniel's direction. When she looked over at the archaeologist, he continued to explain, "Daniel here was suffering from withdrawal fidgets during his meeting with me. His pacing was making me nauseous."
"What?" Daniel looked shocked. "Oh for Pete's sake, Jack. I wasn't pacing that much!"
"Oh yes you were!" Jack mocked.
"Was not!" Daniel insisted. "And I repeat…I was merely trying to make a very important point!"
"Point was taken, but in the process you were wearing a trench into my floor!" Jack replied almost childishly. "You and I both know that you needed something to calm your nerves down."
"Well you need it to calm your nerves down now." Daniel replied churlishly.
Sam was amused to observe this exchange between two supposedly 'grown men' for a few minutes. Both seemed to have forgotten Sam's presence completely, as they argued amicably back and forth. Sam could have quietly observed them for several more moments, but she really wanted to return to her work. "Sir? Daniel? Excuse me?" She glanced from one to the other.
"What?" They both turned and gawked at Sam.
"Well, aren't you just a pair of cranky boys this morning. I'm starting to see why you both need coffee." Sam joked. They looked at each other for a brief moment as some inside joke passed between them. However, Sam wasn't included in on it and it didn't appear that they were going to explain it to her.
She shrugged casually and continued, "I was going to suggest you try asking Teal'c. I seem to recall that Janet gave him a care package of goodies for his room since he stays on base. I'm almost certain she included coffee somewhere in it."
Jack grinned. "Leave it to Teal'c to save the day." He grabbed Daniel and pulled him out of Sam's lab.
Sam watched them go with a mixture of amused incredulity. Colonel O'Neill's comedic antics were something she'd probably never get used to. The military had pounded the idea of poise and decorum into her head so well that it was difficult for her to break the old habits and relax, especially whenever she was in uniform.
That wasn't to say that she disapproved of the Colonel's often irreverent sense of humor. Rather, she found it both intriguing and entertaining. It gave her something to smile about, often in the bleakest of moments, when all seemed lost. But more importantly, it made him a pleasure to work with.
Sam reluctantly turned her focus back to the work before her. She reached over for her mug and took another sip of her tea, grimacing as she realized it was now cold. Maybe she should join Daniel and Jack in their quest for coffee.
o o o o o o
"Aw c'mon Teal'c! You really should try some." Jack took another sip of his freshly brewed coffee, sighing at the luxury of its rich taste. "Coffee is the elixir of the gods!" He grinned from ear to ear and offered his mug in Teal'c's direction.
Sam's theory that Teal'c had a stash in his room had proved correct. In fact, the Jaffa had not even had the chance to explore the contents of Janet's gift basket yet. The coffee was located near the top, and from there, it was easy enough to brew a fresh pot using the room's coffee maker. The powerful aroma now filled the tiny room and wafted down the hallways. Both Daniel and Jack were silently promising themselves to get Dr. Frasier something nice. After all, it was really her thoughtfulness for Teal'c that had saved the day.
Teal'c scrutinized Jack's cup for a moment. "If it is truly reserved for the gods, then I certainly do not desire to sample any of this substance." The large warrior grimaced and looked away from the offered cup. "I have sworn to no longer have any association with the false gods. That would most definitely include their drinks as well."
"Teal'c, it's not literally a drink of the gods...or the Goa'uld for that matter." Daniel tried to explain. He was clutching his own steaming cup between both hands. He had to admit that he felt much more relaxed now that he'd enjoyed his second cup of the morning. "Colonel O'Neill was using a metaphor to describe how good it tastes."
Teal'c remained stoic. The only indication that he had heard what Daniel said was a slight shift in his jaw line and a twitch in his eyebrow.
Daniel tried to clarify his explanation by continuing, "In other words, he meant that coffee tastes so good, it's heavenly." Daniel chewed his lips trying to figure out how get the idea across to the former Jaffa. He had the feeling the translation was a lost cause, but if he could just convince Teal'c to sample the drink, he'd understand. "At any rate, it wouldn't kill you to try it."
Teal'c still said nothing.
Jack glanced in the direction of the impassive Jaffa and muttered over the rim of his coffee cup, "Now who's the cranky boy?"