It would be fine, they said.

You would get over it, they said.

Nothing has ever been more of a lie.

You were the first person to find out about her death.

No, suicide.

You were the first person to find the note. Perhaps the note had been addressed only to you.

You were the first person to cry, to break down, to let it sink in.

Your mother finds you in a wreck when she hears the screams from upstairs. She doesn't understand why it impacts you so much.

No one does.

Your parents don't let you skip school.

It's not big enough of a deal, they had said the night before, but no, it was a huge deal, but they wouldn't relent. You accept this with a slam of the door.

No one knows what has happened at school. The day passes by the same as always.

Idol practice comes in, and you know your fellow idol group members would want to visit her. You aren't wrong.

"Let's visit her, then! We know where she lives, after all!" Honoka says immediately after noticing that she isn't here. Too bad the second year doesn't know she'd never be here again, you think.

"And we can take a detour," Nozomi adds, "to buy some snacks for her."

"No," you say – maybe a bit too quickly. Honoka's smile drops. "Uh, she told me to tell you guys not to visit. She's sick, after all."

The rest of the group falls for your cover-up.

You wonder if death is a kind of sickness.

They finally find the body, almost a whole week later. It comes up in the news.

During breakfast, your father is reading the newspapers when he speaks up suddenly, "Maki, isn't this the girl from your idol group? This N–"

You don't let him finish his sentence; you grab your school bag and run out of the door.

You curse silently when you realise you have forgotten to bring your scarf – the sheer coldness of winter has started to kick in. You ignore the icy breeze against your neck as you continue to walk to school.

They announce it in assembly.

Silence falls over the hall for a brief moment, before whispers and hushed voices fill the auditorium.

It seems you're the only one not surprised.

You note with interest that the principle hadn't mentioned suicide – merely death. There's a huge difference, however, between the two.

"Yazawa Nico was a great person."

You go to practice as per usual, but the mood is obviously tenser.

All eyes are on you when you enter the room, and you sit down in your usual spot with a glum face. Smiling is no longer an option.

Nozomi is the first to speak up. "You knew."

Her voice is hard – ice cold – unlike the motherly one you were so used to. It's full of hatred and disgust.

"Yeah," you mumble, burying your face in your folded arms on the table.

"You knew, and you didn't tell us. I can't believe you, Maki-chan," the mother figure of µ's sneers, and you shoot up immediately.

There are tears on your cheeks that you're sure weren't there before, and this takes Nozomi aback a little. "You think I'm taking this any better than you are?!" you exclaim, voice cracking. "You think I'm not upset?!"

The room is silent; you take this as a chance to continue. "Hell yeah, I was the first to find out. Nico-chan left a note for me! She wanted me to know before anyone else!

"But now she's gone. Nico-chan's gone." The tears don't stop. "I quit."

You leave the clubroom. No one stops you.

You wonder how her family is doing.

You don't go to school that day, walking past the building and instead heading to Nico's flat.

You ring the doorbell and the door opens up to the face of Nico's glum mother. "Ah, Maki. Come in."

"Do you want anything to eat or drink?"

You shake your head. You can tell she's trying to be friendly for your sake, but the eye bags and forced smile don't go unnoticed.

Nico's mother tells you about how hard her death has impacted their family – after losing both Nico and her father, they're barely managing to hold up.

You don't realise you're crying until your tears hit your palm.

You no longer care about your grades.

Your parents do, however.

You know you're in for a huge punishment when your parents call you downstairs; you take your time to walk down from your room.

You're almost taken aback when you see their expressions: on their faces isn't anger. Is that…pity?

"We're sorry that you lost your friend," your mother starts, "but this shouldn't be affecting your grades, Maki."

The tears are back, and you can't help but sneer at your parents' 'apology'. Nico wasn't just a friend, she is – was – everything to you, even if Nico herself didn't know. She was the one who inspired you to smile.

"You don't know that," you spit out, before standing up and running back to your room.

µ's hasn't talked to you since that day.

You don't think it can even be called µ's anymore – there are only seven members left,

No one bothers to visit, despite the fact that you hadn't been to school for almost a week. Perhaps they know you don't want company.

You lie on your bed; your parents hadn't agreed to let you miss out on school, but had given up on trying to pull you out of your room.

You miss her.

You miss her so much, it hurts more than it should.

You dig up the letter she wrote for you.

She must have planned her death long ago, long before µ's was created. You wonder, what happened to her dream of being the world's number one super idol?

It doesn't matter, you decide. Nico had always been your number one idol. She still is.

Maki-chan,

I'm sorry you have to be the first to find out, but I do want you to be the first.

When you finish reading this, please do not tell anyone. Wait till they find me.

Today, I ended my life.

There's a cliff accessible by train from the Akiba station; you can visit me there.

Please, don't stop being an idol.

You can replace me as the number one idol in the universe, okay?

I love you.

From the super idol Nico Nii

You stare at the three words written on the page.

I love you.

What kind of love, you wonder, platonic or romantic?

You knew the answer. Why else would Nico write a letter only to you if otherwise? You are sure her feelings were mutual. They had always been.

The train comes to a halt. It's where you depart.

Nico was right – there's a cliff, and over the edge was the ocean, and a beautiful sky stretched out beyond the horizon.

What a nice place to die, you think.

You stand at the rocky edge of the cliff. This was where Nico last stood. You fold her note carefully before placing it in your pocket. This is where she last stood, and will be where you last stand.

"I'm sorry for not being able to continue as an idol," you mutter, clenching your fist. The tears return. "But I can join you now, Nico-chan."

You're glad you're not afraid of heights – the drop is terrifying. But it doesn't matter; if Nico can do it, so can you.

"I love you too."

You jump.

Before the rocks and water crash onto your body, you know that now, you'll be reunited with the person you love.

Forever.