Hi. This is the result of a too much Gundam Wing in the brain, and too much carbon dioxide in the lungs for my own physiologic good. Don't bother to understand, because I don't. Such is the reason for all the angst which creates this short piece. This song has been my theme for quite a while, it expresses what I've been feeling so perfectly for some time. I'm not making sense, am I? I no longer care. Hikari-chan, someday I'll write out your one-shot as you planned it. Just not in the middle of the gastro-intestinal module. Another version of the songfic for Rurouni Kenshin is also up.
"Crawling" by Linkin Park.
"Hypoxia"
………………………..
My name is Quatre Raberba Winner. And I am not myself.
This is a totally new person before you, inside a mobile suit, with one of the most powerful weapons known aimed at a space colony. They call it Wing Zero. I call it unbeatable and unstoppable. Its current pilot is totally unlike the pacifist, the friendly boy, the kind master he is known to be. I don't care.
I have a score to settle with the enemy, whoever they might be now, because I am no longer sure which side I am on. The enemy killed my father, that is all I know, and the enemy will pay.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
I want people to suffer, the way I suffered unjustly for my father's death. I want to show to the world what they lost when they killed one of the Winner family. I want people to notice. I want to show my wrath to the world. The hurt of all the deaths in the war, the death of my sister, and the death of my father, finally I could no longer keep myself from exploding on something, on anything, that would come in my way.
There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
The thoughts are already intact, the system only expanded on them, that I know. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know. My mind just refuses to accept the realization Trowa is pounding on me from an unfamiliar suit. Trowa, good old Trowa. He can try as long as he likes. He will not change my mind now. Where is the kind boy he used to know, he asks? I pushed him to the back, because his kindness did not help his father when his help was needed most!
The system made me see my anger into its completion. It made me express what I had long wanted to show. It made me fight the side of myself that holds back and wants peace. Peace did not save my father. Maybe destruction might do the job.
This lack of self-control
I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I am convinced
That it's too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
I know this is not me. But nothing makes sense anymore. I don't know what to do other than this. I have tried to be the proponent of peace, and yet peace is always defeated by the factors of war. All my ideals have been torn down, one by one. Now that the ultimate source of my ideals has been taken away from me, what other recourse is there but the other alternative? What is the use of trying to keep your ideals, when your ideals have failed you?
Blasts are coming from all sides. In one suit, my friend Trowa Barton. In another, Heero Yuy. I don't know enough about him, but his piloting speaks for itself. They are trying to talk me out of it. It is not necessary to waste lives, they tell me. Oh, really? The enemy thought it necessary to eliminate my father, even when he was not directly connected to the war and was even against it!
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
The only reality for me now, is that there are two mobile suits belonging to the enemy, and they are trying to take me down. They are underestimating this system! It is the fastest of its kind, and the most powerful. It raises the capabilities of its pilot to the highest levels, and it does not restrict him in any way. Furthermore, it eliminates the fear that consumes my being. Fear of death. Fear of being alone. Fear of being wrong.
Discomfort endlessly
Has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
I have continually fought the mobile suits. One is damaged beyond repair; the other is quite disabled. Still they refuse to give up. I've tried to tell them over and over. They can't stop me. They shouldn't stop me. What I am doing is for the greater good!
Finally I hear……….Trowa………..again. Faint through the transmission. He says he liked the old me better. The pacificist. The friendly boy. The kind master. The young man who stood for peace against all odds. He wants that old me back. The one who saved him from himself.
Why does he want that helpless little boy back? Doesn't he like it that I want to fight back? Why does he like that old me?
He ---- what?! He is taking his suit higher up, to detonate, with him still inside! NO!
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I am convinced
That it's too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
I am transfixed inside Zero. I can't move. I can't believe what I'm seeing. The suit is still flying higher up, crackling and sparking in too many places, seconds away from exploding. I don't know if I should save him; I don't know how.
Is this what this new me wants? Do I want to lose my friends because I want to have revenge? Do I want to die saving my friends, or exterminating them? How badly do I want to stay this way?
Before I could decide, the mobile suit explodes.
And……and……..Trowa………Trowa………..where is he? Is he…….is he……..no, he can't be……….no…………no………..NO!
Heero then attacks and knocks me to a wall. He asks, Will I allow Trowa's death to be for nothing? Don't talk to me of Trowa's death, yet, Heero! You don't know what I'm feeling! I hit him will all I have, and more, until the point that I no longer know what I am doing. My need for revenge on anything but myself gravitate all to him. Before I realize just how crazed I have been, I see Heero get out of the cockpit, and fall to the ground.
Now with my hands on my head, I feel the full weight of my mistake. What have I done? First, Trowa and now, Heero? What have I done?! The pain is suffocating my being, my thoughts, and I could no longer breathe for my own.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
More than the blood I can feel trickling from my head, the wounds to my heart are severe. The scars will not go away, not that easily, and I don't know how to cure them. I can only look down on Heero, unconscious at my feet, and force myself to face the awful reality that the other me has caused.
I am Quatre Raberba Winner, and I have lost myself.
…………………….
I am sorry if there is no happy ending or mushy feeling. It's more of a dramatic monologue than anything else, I'm sorry. Thank you for reading, anyway.