Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, and any similarity to any college/professor/lawyer/whatever is purely coincidental and definitely unintended.
Pairings: none
Summary: Allen wants people to read his book on jurisprudence, Kanda's thinking about his billable hours, Lenalee is being nice and Lavi – is just being himself. Attempted humour at parts.
[I want to be promoted, or how no one cares about jurisprudence]
"I don't have the fucking time for this," Kanda Yu said, clicking his chopsticks together in irritation. "Also, you're eating into my billable hours."
Allen Walker, thirty-three, senior teaching fellow and lecturer in law at the Black Order University and author wannabe, flashed his well-practised grin. "Pretty please? I'll pay for lunch?"
"Are you high?" Kanda asked. "And, no. I fucking hate Hart."
"Christ, Kanda," Lavi said, shaking his head, "who doesn't? You weren't the only one who had to sit through Yeegar's extensive lectures on the Hart-Fuller debate. I was the one who took two modules on jurisprudence while you took it easy in the corporate classes."
"Took it easy? Are you fucking kidding me? You try to sit through Sokalo's seminars and see how you'd fare –"
"Guys," Lenalee broke in, "can we not fight over this?"
"Yeah," Allen said. "I didn't ask you out to lunch to listen to two grown men turn into juveniles."
"Shut up," Kanda said.
Lenalee sighed. "Kanda... you still haven't changed."
"Yep, he's still as hot as ever. Popular with the ladies. One of our clients threw herself at him yesterday. You should have seen the look on his face!" Lavi said, laughing. "And the look on the partner's face! He's an asset, I tell you."
"You idiot –"
Lenalee put a restraining hand on Kanda's shoulder. "Kanda. We're in a restaurant, remember? This isn't your gym or training centre."
"And you aren't a toddler," Allen said, earning himself a resentful glare from his friend.
"So, Al," Lavi said, "why are we here again?"
"I just told you."
"No, you didn't. What's your definition of 'just'? Because, you know, what just happened was that Kanda threw a tantrum –"
"I didn't –"
"– and whatever it is that you did say was in the past and doesn't qualify as 'just'," Lavi concluded.
Allen stared at Lavi. "You're confusing me."
"Am I? Well, yeah, I do happen to be something of a genius. I do have a tendency to dazzle people into confusion."
"What an idiot," Kanda said.
"What was that, sweetheart?" Lavi said, but Kanda did not deign to reply.
"I'm sure you're very dazzling, Lavi," Allen said, "but actually I asked you guys here today to ask for a favour."
"I don't have any money to lend you," Lavi said the moment Allen closed his mouth. "Sorry, but I'm kinda broke right now after I bought that new Volvo. I'll take you out in it soon, promise."
Lenalee laughed. "Lavi, weren't you listening to Allen before Kanda started going on about his university troubles?"
"Uh, no. That was the point when the food arrived... I must have zoned out, sorry buddy."
"It's alright, Lavi," Allen said. "Actually the favour I want – it's – maybe you guys could – actually..."
"Spit it out and stop being a baby," Kanda advised him.
"I'm not," Allen said. "Actually, guys, would you all mind helping me read through my book?"
"What book?" Lavi asked, confusion written all over his face.
"What book?" Kanda repeated. "I thought you wanted to bounce new ideas about Hart and Fuller off us."
"You're writing a book, Allen?" Lenalee asked.
"Yeah... Cross told me I should look into writing my own book because he thought it would improve my promotion prospects."
"What's it on?" Lavi asked.
"Jurisprudence."
"Urgh, kill me now," Lavi said. "Why jurisprudence?"
"I find it fascinating."
"He does," Kanda said. "Remember how the beansprout took all the legal theory electives he could lay his grubby hands on?"
"My hands are not grubby," Allen said, glaring at his frenemy.
Kanda shrugged. "And soba is blue."
"The sky is blue," Lavi offered helpfully.
"Not helping," Allen said. "So, do you guys mind reading through my book for me?"
"Why don't you ask Cross?" Lenalee asked. "He's a full Professor now, and the success of your book would probably benefit from getting him to write a foreword."
"I tried to ask," Allen said, almost wailing. "He refused!"
"Why?" Lenalee asked.
"He said it was time I learnt to fend for myself since I'm not a doctorate student anymore."
"You've been teaching for four years now, Dr Allen Walker," Kanda said. "Cross was right. Stop being such a wuss and publish your book."
"But I need someone to read through it first! Who else can I ask but you guys?" Allen said, shooting them all pleading looks.
"I told you," Kanda said, "I hate Hart. And Fuller. Do you not understand me? I won't read anything to do with jurisprudence ever again if I can fucking help it."
"To be honest," Lavi said, "jurisprudence is not particularly useful for practice. I can't say that I remember much about legal theory..."
Allen turned a pleading eye to Lenalee.
"I'm sorry, Allen," Lenalee said, her voice gentle, "but I'm afraid I can't help you much. Working at the DPP's doesn't really provide me with an opportunity to stay in touch with jurisprudence. But – if you have any chapters touching on criminal law, I'll be happy to oblige."
"Thanks, Lenalee," Allen said. "There's one chapter... I'll email you the PDF file."
"Sorry I'm of no help, buddy," Lavi said. "I'll buy your book when it comes out as a sign of solidarity."
"Thanks?" Allen said.
"I won't bill you for this," Kanda said.
"That's generous of you, Allen said.
"It is," Lavi said very seriously. "You have no idea how much this man is raking in. He's making millions, I tell you."
"That is untrue," Kanda said, glaring at Lavi. "And how would you know my salary, anyway? We're not even in the same department."
"You'll have to sign my future books when you become a QC, Kanda," Allen said. "Although I hate to think that someone with a character like yours could become a QC... I have a feeling I should tell my students never to do their pupillage under you."
Kanda snorted.
"He would skin them dry," Lavi agreed. "He's definitely that kind of guy. Now, me, though – I'll be nice. You can send your students to do their training contracts with me!"
"Hmm," Allen said. "That'll depend on whether you help me proof-read my future articles and books."
"I will," Lavi vowed. "That is, if they aren't based on jurisprudence. I'd be happy to read anything else. I really don't get your fascination with jurisprudence..."
"It's because of Rhode Camelot," Kanda said. "Everyone knows that. The beansprout is too much of a pansy to ask her out and so he only sees her at those jurisprudence conventions Noah College organises."
"Is that so? That's strange... I can't believe I didn't know about it!" Lavi said. He glanced at Allen. "What's the matter, Allen? Cat got your tongue?"
"That's slander!" Allen exclaimed, outraged. "Libel!"
"No, it's the plain truth," Kanda said. "Suck it up. And you're not very informed, are you? Better do some research on the difference between slander and libel before you turn your students into morons like yourself."
"Tsk," Lavi said. "You're such a gossiper, Kanda."
"No, you are," Kanda said.
"Kanda's right," Lenalee said.
"But it was Kanda who found out about Cross and Anita's relationship and he blackmailed him about it!" Lavi said.
"It technically wasn't blackmail," Kanda said.
"It was you?" Allen exclaimed. "Do you know what it cost me? Cross thought I split the beans! He made me pay for all his drinking bills that year!"
"Too bad," Kanda shrugged. "You're none the worse for it, as far as I can see. Still alive and kicking, aren't you, and teaching to boot."
"You're evil! Plain evil!"
"Stop squealing like a girl," Kanda said.
"I heard Kanda squeal before," Lavi said. "Do you remember,Yu? It was when Daisya wanted to pour some conditioner on your hair."
"He what?" Lenalee and Allen asked, both bursting into laughter.
"You're all mad," Kanda said, "and I'm going back to the office because I have a client meeting in half an hour."
"Billable hours," Lavi whispered to Lenalee. "Kanda through and through."
Kanda stood up. "Thanks for the meal, beansprout. You'll have to treat us to dinner when they promote you."
"Wait for me!" Lavi said, scrambling up. "Hey, wait up, Kanda! I don't have transport back to the office! Bye Allen, Lenalee! Help me say hi to Komui."
"Well, I've got to go too, Allen," Lenalee said. "Thanks for the meal! All the best with your book. I know you have it in you to do well."
Allen watched Lenalee leave. He sighed.
Then he nearly cackled. I know! I'll set parts of it as compulsory readings for my students!
A/N: So... just to make things clear, I set this in the UK (which is where the Black Order is set in canon right? Or did I get it wrong?). Tbh I know very little about the UK legal system/education system, and what I do know I got from Google. So please pardon any inconsistencies.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! I tried my best to be humourous (difficult thing, really) and well. If you don't know who Hart and Fuller are, well... they are legal philosophers. And also rather boring if you're not into legal theory.
Thanks for reading and reviews/comments/criticism are much appreciated (: