Meredith and Derek were laying in bed, Derek listening to the small snores coming from the girl lying beside him. After the ferry boat accident, Derek had been paying very close attention to Meredith. It wasn't that he couldn't sleep from the snoring, because she had given him wax ear plugs that worked. It was because the drowning coupled with the tub incident, kept him at night – kept him afraid to look away. Lest he did, she might slip through his fingers again.

"Mmmm…" Meredith stirred in his sleep, opening her heavy eyes.

As she did, she noticed Derek staring at her, leaning up on one arm, as she had seen him do several times before.

"Derek, you're watching me sleep again. Don't the ear plugs work?"

"Yes, Mere, they do. I just, couldn't sleep, that's all." Derek explained.

"On a scale of 1-10," Meredith asked "how bad is it?"

Meredith saw the expression on Derek's face go from indifferent to extreme concern and regret, and she began to panic slightly when he let out a sad sigh.

"Derek, I-"

"Meredith, please. I don't know if we should talk about this now. I don't know if you can han-"

"Handle it? You're losing sleep all night over this, and you're concerned about my ability to deal with the information? Yes, Derek, my mother is dead. And that is okay. I did that bone graft today that you said I couldn't do, where are you going to stop treating me like a little girl and start treating me like I'm your girlfriend again? I can take care of myself. I'm a surgeon, I can.."

Meredith's voice was getting higher pitched with every sentence she spoke, and soon she would be doing that squealing thing she does, and he just couldn't listen to all of this right now.

"Meredith! You can swim." Derek deadpanned.

Meredith sat up and leaned again the head board of the bed, Derek's eyes followed her up, and then his body followed. Derek ran his hand down his face, starting at his eyes and then holding it over his mouth, eyes beginning to tear. "You can swim, Mere. I know you can."

Meredith began to panic. She didn't know what to say to him. She did know how to swim, and she was a good swimmer. After the bath tub incident, she knew that he knew. She did give up. Well, not completely. She did swim at first, but the water was cold. She could have made it to the dock, she could have. She was disappearing. And she learned, from this, that she wanted to be alive. That meant this was fine, right?

She began to fidget, what was she supposed to tell him? If she told him the truth, he might leave her again. She could lie - but he obviously knows. Realizing there was no way out made her tear up, she got shaky and she couldn't stop moving her hands. She held her eyes shut tight.

Derek reached out and put his hand on her arm.

"I can." Meredith said. "I can swim."

"Then why, why did you let yourself drown? When I pulled your body out the water you were like ice. I thought you were dead. They had to pull me out of your trauma room because I was shaking so much I must have done 100 rounds of compressions. I thought you were dead."

"I didn't jump off the dock. I was sewing up some guys leg, the cut was very deep. As soon as I finished the stitches he couldn't handle the pain. I stood up next to him and put my jacket on him to keep him from going into shock, and he started to freak out. He was…he was very agitated. He kicked me, and I fell backward off the dock. I fell into the water. I didn't jump."

Derek didn't say anything, because he did not know what to say. The point to him was not so much if she jumped, fell, or got pushed, it was that she did not try to swim once she was in the water. The dock was not far away, the water was not that cold, and she could swim – she was a good swimmer. So, he did not say anything.

Meredith began to cry, and Derek wrapped his arms around her, but he continued to worry in his mind. She must have known what he was really thinking, the fact that she didn't say it what really bothering him.

"And I did try to swim, at first." She began to cry more. She was not normally this emotional, but she also didn't normally open up to people. Things had just begun to work out with Derek and they were finally in a formal relationship, and the only thing she could think about was…

"I'm so afraid to talk to you about this. I'm so afraid, Derek that this is going to scare you away."

Derek sighed. "Mere, I already know you're all dark and twisty inside. And I'm fine with that, I really am. And I am here for you. What I am not fine with is that you won't open up to me. I know you've never done this before, but when you're with someone like this, you have to talk to him. If you don't they will walk away, because being closed off will make them scared and push them away. I picked you. Please don't push me away."

Meredith was calming down now. Her breathing had slowed and she was able to talk more evenly.

"I did try to swim, Derek, I really did. At first. That morning, in the bathtub, I wasn't trying to drown myself, but I did feel like I was disappearing. My mom was having open heart surgery, and we didn't exactly leave the night off on a great note. She told me that I was nothing but ordinary, I wasn't great, and I never would be great. Here I am, trying to manage being a surgeon, a girlfriend, and a daughter at once. I have to go see her at the nursing home and deal with her not knowing who I am day after day, and then she becomes lucid – like a freaking miracle – and she tells how much of a disappointment I am as a daughter, then I go and sign off on her open heart surgery."

Derek was looking at her intently, waiting to make sure that she was okay, hanging on every word she said.

"And then I come to work, and they send out into the field at a massive ferry boat accident. You love ferry boats. But it burned, and there were dead and dying and almost dead people all over the place. It was chaotic. And there was this strange little girl."

"The little girl with the blonde hair who wouldn't talk, she led me to you. I saw your jacket with your name tag on her and she pointed to the water." Derek said.

"She wouldn't talk to me either, but I couldn't leave her alone at that scene, so she came with me when I went to stitch that guys leg up. When he kicked me off the dock I was panicking, I was terrified. Once I fell in the water, though, it was so quiet. There was no screaming and yelling, no fire, no dying mom, there was nothing. In the tub that morning, under the water, I felt like I could disappear. I thought about that again when I feel off the dock. I did start to swim, but the water was extremely cold. I could have kept swimming, I could have kept going, but it was just so quiet. I could feel the hypothermia setting in; I could feel my brain function slowing down, tunnel vision, pressure build up in my ears. I was overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, I wasn't thinking about dying when I stopped swimming, it was so quiet. I just wanted it to be quiet for a little while. Before I knew it, I was out."

Derek began to feel pressure building up in his chest. He did not know if this meant she was okay or not okay, but he knew she was fragile, and she needed him there.

"I will always come looking for you." Derek said. "But you can never do anything like this again. It isn't fair to your friends, to me, to your patients, but most of all, it isn't fair to you. You are and never will be 'ordinary' to me. I was married for 11 years, 11 years and all I could think about while trying to work out my marriage was you. You are incredible. You might be dark and twisty inside but you are also bright and shiny, and if you died, Meredith, I don't know what I would do. I cried all day, I cried. I thought it was my fault, and it partially was. I should have forced you to talk me about the tub thing, but I was afraid to scare you away. If I couldn't talk to you, I should have known enough to check on you at that scene. But this can never happen again, and if you aren't okay, you need to tell me now, okay?" Derek said as he was gently stroking her forehead.

"No, I am okay, now. Before it was a 10, not it's only a 5 or a 6. When I finally woke up in that trauma room, I was so happy to be alive. I realized that the time I've had in this life, it hasn't been enough. There is so much I need to say still, and do. I'm not, I'm not done here. I learned from that experience that no matter how bad things get, not matter how bad I want to disappear, it's always better to be alive. I should have talked to you about how I was feeling. I'm still new at this, you know." Meredith said, as she flashed Derek her bright pearly white smile."

"Well," Derek said "you certainly look bright and shiny now." And smiled.