Title: It Should Be Me
Rating: PG
Author's note: I wrote this last night, after several weeks of no inspiration. I was listening to the Four Weddings and a Funeral CD, and the song "It Should Have Been Me" by Gladys Knight & The Pips came on, and all of a sudden I had a Carby idea!! I hope you like this, please don't forget to review and let me know what you think. I don't normally write in first person or present tense, so I hope it works okay!
Jo xx
***
I sit quietly at the rear of the Church, staring at the back of his head. I'm not sure why I'm here, I shouldn't be here. I don't want to ruin his day for him. For her, yes, I would gladly ruin her day. But I won't, because he's too special to me. I don't want to hurt him. And they're linked now. In less than an hour they'll be husband and wife. The thought sickens me. She will be his wife. Well, if she turns up. For the moment everyone's sitting here waiting for her. She'd better be quick, or she'll get my hopes up that she'll never come.
I glance at Susan who is sitting to my left. She gives me a reassuring smile, and I nod. Yes, I'm okay: you don't have to worry about me. At least, having her here I'm fine. If I had been left to come on my own I may not have coped. But Susan's made it bearable. We even had a laugh picking out outfits to wear. I've ended up in a long, black, close-fitting dress, with my long brown hair cascading down my back. I've never really been into dresses, but I remember the way he looked at me that night when we went to our second charity dinner. And Susan says I look gorgeous. Honestly, I'm not trying to make him re-think, that's not my aim. But I don't want to look terrible, I'm not going to confirm to him why he didn't want me. Susan also says I look too depressing, like I'm going to a funeral. For that reason, I have a disgusting bright pink purse laid next to me on the pew. I can't stand it, but at least it convinces Susan that I'm at least trying to be happy.
She's really worried about me. Ever since she told me about the wedding, she's been walking on eggshells, worried that anything she says will upset me. I keep trying to convince her that really it's fine: I've survived the last three years since he left me, I'll survive this. I remember when she told me, she was so worried...
***
"Hey, Abby," Susan said, approaching me at the admit desk where I was stood reading through some charts.
"Hmm?" I answered absently, not noticing her anxious tone.
"I got a phone call."
"Hmm?" I wasn't really even paying attention to her words that closely, to be honest.
"Abby, can you listen to me for a moment? It's important." I rolled my eyes, and looked up from the chart, giving her a half-hearted friendly glare.
"Go ahead," I told her, digging my hands deep into the pockets of my white coat as I waited for her to give me this 'important' news.
"You want to sit down?" I gave her a confused look, having no idea why I might want to sit down. "Okay, sorry." She tucked a strand of hair nervously behind her ear. "I don't know how to tell you this...and please Abby, don't be too upset or mad, it's just..."
"What?" I asked as she trailed off, now really curious and worried about what was going on.
"Carter rang me." Ah. That would explain the sitting down thing. And the nervousness. Carter had been at Mercy hospital for nearly two years now. In that time he had very rarely contacted anyone from County. She knew Susan still got Christmas cards from him, but that was the extent of the contact as far as she was aware. So Carter ringing meant something was going on.
"Has something happened?"
"Kinda." She fiddled with her stethoscope and bit on her lip. "He...Abby, he rang to invite me to his wedding." I froze. Wedding? Had I heard her right? I must have been mistaken. I mean, he was the one who left me, yeah. But he wouldn't marry someone else, would he? "Abby?" Susan's concerned voice filtered into my thoughts, and I realised I'd been staring into space.
"He's getting married?" Susan nodded, a worried expression covering her face. "That's good for him." Strong, Abby. You want him to be happy, right? "You...you think I should go?"
"If you want to...but Abby, I know this must be so hard for you, don't make it harder on yourself." She really was totally worried about me.
"No, I think I should be there for him." I smiled, and I was surprised to find I actually meant the smile. Yes, I did want him to be happy. I loved him enough to allow him that, even if it wasn't with me. "Do...do you think he'll mind?"
"No," she gave me a reassuring smile. "No, I think he'll be pleased."
***
I look back at Susan again. She's not looking at me now, and I can see a slight tension in her face. This is hard on her, too. It's no secret that she was instrumental in our relationship, and I know how much having her two best friends happy meant to her. Having to cope with this is really tough for her. Add to that her current marital status of 'single' and I can see that she's having a pretty rough time.
"Please stand for the bride," the vicar announces, and I stand with the rest of the congregation, flashing a quick smile in Susan's direction to reassure her. She appears in the entrance to the Church, a wide grin spread across her face. Laura, her name is. She is beautiful, I'll admit that. Her curly blonde hair falls to her shoulders, framing her slightly tanned face perfectly. Bright blue eyes shine with happiness. The picture of perfection. A perfect little wife. No complicated history, no abortions or addictions. Just simply and perfectly Laura.
As she walks down the aisle, it begins to disgust me. She's too perfect. Every curl is perfectly formed, not a single hair is out of place. Her skin is the perfect tone to compliment her hair and eyes, which are also a perfect deep, intriguing blue. The long, flowing dress which she has chosen outlines her perfect figure, showing off every curve perfectly. And as she walks down the aisle she takes perfectly spaced delicate little steps. Is there anything wrong with this woman? She's too perfect for him. I mean, he deserves something amazing, but how can she ever understand the complexities of his life? How can she possibly understand about his drug addiction, or the problems of his childhood? How can any of that possibly make sense to her if she's so perfect herself?
Now they're stood at the front of the Church, side by side. She holds herself upright, her posture perfect. He takes her hand, and holds it in his own. As he turns to look at her I can see a smile on his lips. But I find myself questioning his smile. Is he really happy? Or is it all a façade? "We are here today to witness and celebrate the marriage of John Truman Carter and Laura Jane Richmond," the vicar begins as the congregation sits down. I shudder. Even her name runs off the vicar's tongue perfectly. And Laura Jane Carter sounds just like the name of some perfect little princess. The vicar talks about the importance of marriage, and what it means, as I'm lost in my thoughts of Laura's perfection.
"If anybody objects to this wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace," I hear the vicar announce. Objection?
Before I even know what I'm doing, I leap to my feet. "Yes!" I cry. Oh my goodness. What did I just do? I look around me at all the faces staring. My eyes begin to fill with tears. What have I done? He doesn't look round at me, but I can see all his muscles tense in a split second. Laura's hand grips tighter around his, and she too doesn't look around. It's like neither of them can look at me. And I don't blame them: I've just ruined their wedding.
"Erm, could you explain why, miss?" the vicar asks, uncomfortable. He's obviously never had this happen at one of his weddings before.
Tears now falling down my cheeks, I nod my head, but at the same time I can't say a word. I open my mouth to speak, but it won't come out. Everyone's eyes are on me: they want to know the reason for this interruption. People don't object at a wedding for no reason. "I..." I stutter, somehow managing to raise a hand to wipe tears away from my face. I want to just turn and run out of the Church, but my body is frozen to the spot, I can't move my legs from where they are. "I...it..."
Before I manage to get anymore out, I notice him gradually turn around and stare at me. There is a look of surprise in his eyes, but that's all I can see. No anger. No worry. Just surprise.
"Miss?" I look directly at the vicar as he questions me. If I can't run then I have to face the situation. And that look has just given me the confidence I need to face it with truth.
"It should be me," I say, barely audible. A few people around me look a little shocked, but no one else seems to know what's going on. Taking a deep breath I force myself to say the words again, louder. "It should be me." If the words were hard to say the first time, they are virtually impossible to say for a second. He looks straight at me, making eye contact. This is it. No turning back now. "It should be me about to marry you, instead of her," I say it to him now. "You said you weren't going anywhere. I screwed up, I know, but...I guess I always tried to pretend this wasn't true, so that I didn't get all that pity. But you broke my heart when you left. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to ruin your wedding, I didn't plan this at all. It just happened. I...I still love you John Carter."
Tears pour down my cheeks as I realise the magnitude of what I have said. I notice his eyes glistening too, and as Laura turns around I see the trickle of tears down her own cheeks, smudging her perfect make up. I begin to shake as the tears get worse, not believing what I've just said and done. My vision goes blurry as my eyes are filled with tears, and I can't see the reactions of all the other people around me. I wipe angrily at my eyes, willing the tears to stop, and as they clear slightly I focus on the one thing that matters. Through the tears I laugh a little at the site before, and then grin to myself, realising what this means. There he is, standing at the front of the Church, smiling at me.
***
I saw my love walking down the aisle
You are leaving me stranded
If anybody objects to this wedding
And as he passed me by
He turned and gave me a smile
Then, the preacher, then the preacher
The preacher joined their hands
And all the people, all the people began to stand
When I shouted, "you know it should have been me"
(Instead of her walking with you)
You know that it should have been me baby
Oh baby gettin' ready to marry you
Darlin' darlin' darlin'
You made a promise that we would never part
Then you turned around and broke my little heart
Now you're standing there saying I do
Holding hands with somebody new
You know that it should have been me
(I can't stand it)
Instead of her standing by you
You know that it should have been me
It should have been me
(Baby don't do it)
Then the preacher oh yeah the preacher asked
That there be silence please
Speak now or forever or forever hold your peace
Then I shouted, "It should have been me"
You know that it should have been me
Don't you know that it should have been me
You know that it should have been me
I've been faithful to you baby, baby, baby
You were leaving me stranded
***