Title: Sound of Silence
Author: OCDegrassi (Holly)
Pairings: Merlin/Tristan, Mentions Tristan/Isolde & Merlin/Lancelot
Rating: T
Warnings: Slash, Mentions of Death, Some Language, Mild Sexual Scene, Angst
Note: So I was looking for a Tristan/Merlin story, and I couldn't find anyway. So hopefully this will inspire other people to write some. I'd love to read it! This story takes place after the Season 4 finale, and it is indicated that Merlin and Lancelot were secretly seeing each other between the end of Season 3 and the day that Lancelot died. Rated T, but it borderlines on M and is quite a bit angsty, so just be aware. Hope you enjoy!
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Merlin walked down the desolate hallway until he arrived at his destination. Wordlessly, he sat down beside Tristan against the wall. The older man was staring out the window on the opposite wall and didn't bother to acknowledge the warlock's presence. They sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes until Merlin finally spoke. "You know, I lost someone I loved too." Tristan turned to look at him, and notice that Merlin was still looking out the window. He waited for the dark-haired boy to continue. "His name was Lancelot. He died to protect Camelot…and me."
Tristan nodded as Merlin finally met his gaze. His eyes were sad and looked old beyond his years. Tristan hadn't even reacted to Merlin's admission of being with another man, but the warlock had assumed he wouldn't. Tristan believed in love with everything that he was, and Merlin had a hard time imagining that he would be judgmental about whom one shared their love with. Tristan finally broke from his silence. "I'm sorry." He returned his gaze to look out the window and Merlin followed suit before continuing.
"It hurts. You get used to having a person beside you every day, and then suddenly, they're gone. You don't even know what to do without them. It seems hard to breathe anymore, and you feel like a part of you has died with them." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts. It was hard talking about this. It was bringing back all of those feelings as if Lancelot had just died yesterday. The grief was overwhelming, but Merlin knew that Tristan was suffering too. He wanted to be there for him, since it seemed as if the older man had no one else.
"People offer condolences and try to say the right thing that will make everything better, but it never works. The person you loved is dead and nothing can make that right." He finished his thought but neither looked at the other. They were too engrossed with the sight of the clouds rolling above in the sky outside. It was proof that the world was still moving and life was going on, even if it didn't feel that way to them.
"How do you deal with it? How do you keep going when you lose someone you love more than yourself?" Merlin didn't respond for a second. He wasn't sure exactly how to answer that. Everyone coped differently, and sometimes, Merlin himself wasn't sure how he'd dealt with it. "I don't know. It will always hurt… but you learn to live with it. And one day, it hurts just a little less."
Silent tears rolled down Tristan's face. "I can't even image that. I feel so empty now." Merlin swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat and fought back tears. He remembered the hollow pit that formed inside and seemed to consume his every inch. It never completely went away; it just got smaller.
"I know. Sometimes, it helps to surround yourself with people. You still feel alone, but it's nice to have a distraction from your thoughts." Tristan wasn't sure if that was even possible. The last thing he wanted to do was be around a group of smiling, happy people, but at the same time, the more time he spent alone, the more time he had to think, and all he did anymore was think; about her, what he could have done different, what choices he could have made to save her. The 'what ifs' were eating him alive, and it made a distraction sound pretty good right now.
Merlin continued, almost as if speaking to himself. "The nights are the worst. You're alone with nothing but your thoughts. The bed feels so empty and cold without them, and if you do manage to fall asleep, you feel even worse when you wake up, because for just a second, you think it was all a dream. But then you see that they're not there and you know it wasn't, and your heart breaks all over again." He wasn't trying to make Tristan feel worse. He just wanted him to know that he understood.
Tristan swallowed and nodded. "I wish it would've been me." He finally broke down into sobs, and Merlin could feel his own tears begin to slide down his face. "I know," he whispers and puts an arm on Tristan's shoulder. He knew exactly what he meant. He would have given anything to go back in time and sacrifice himself like he'd planned. When the tears subsided from the elder, Merlin cleared his throat and wiped his own tears away. "We should get a pint of ale. You could use one about now." Tristan laughed lightly and nodded, standing up. He enjoyed a pint of ale on occasion, and he certainly felt like he could use one right now.
Merlin rarely ever drank, but he remembered the nights right after Lancelot's death. He had drowned himself in alcohol, and while it might not have been the best solution, it was the only thing that got him through. It made him forget, if only for a moment, and it helped him sleep. He wished he could have slept all the time, because Lancelot was still there in his dreams. He dreaded waking up for quite some time after his death.
They entered the tavern and each ordered a pint of ale, which they drank in silence. As they began to sip their second drink, Tristan finally spoke. "She was the bravest woman I've ever met, and so beautiful. Inside and out." Merlin nodded. He could tell that Tristan needed to talk about her, and he was more than willing to listen. "This one time, we came across a group of bandits, and while we were fighting them, she looked at me with a smile on her face. When I asked her about it later, she said it was always fun to spice things up a bit."
He laughed fondly at the memory and Merlin smiled. "She seemed like an amazing woman." Tristan nodded. "She was." He lifted his glass in a toast, which Merlin mirrored with his own. "To Isolde." Merlin repeated his words and gulped down the rest of his ale.
As the night wore on, the pair walked back to the castle together. Arthur had insisted on setting Tristan up in a room for the night, but the man had no idea how to find. They were more than a little tipsy at this point, stumbling along. Merlin walked Tristan back to his room, since he knew the castle much better than his new friend. As they reached the door, Tristan stopped and hesitated for a single moment before crushing his lips to Merlin's in a desperate kiss. Merlin pushed him away. "I can't do this." Tristan was vulnerable and Merlin didn't want to take advantage of that, but Tristan grabbed his arm before he could walk away.
"Please, Merlin. I need this right now. I need to not be alone tonight." His eyes were pleading and Merlin remembered the feeling well. He would have given anything to just not feel so alone. The alcohol was fogging his brain and he nodded numbly. They kissed again, but there was no passion or love involved. It was filled with sadness and need. Tristan pulled Merlin into his room and pushed him on the bed, straddling him instantly. He connected their lips once again and began to rip Merlin's close off, his own following suit. He didn't slowly ease himself into the boy underneath him. He shoved himself forcefully inside and began to thrust.
Merlin arched his back and began to writhe underneath the older man. Tristan was kissing down his neck as Merlin raked his nails down the other's back. Neither opened their eyes. They both knew the other was imagining someone else, but it felt strangely okay. Despite Merlin's lack of breasts and the addition of a penis, Tristan could feel Isolde beneath him. He focused on the tightness of his hole, the curve of his neck, and the way his fingernails felt like hers on his back.
The feel of Tristan's lips on Merlin's neck and the pounding of his dick inside him made it easy for the younger man to imagine Lancelot. He smiled as he felt the man nip and lick at his skin. As their orgasms approached, they connected their lips in a bruising kiss and their bodies tensed. Merlin's seed spilled out onto their chests, while Tristan's leaked out of Merlin's hole. The two collapsed in a sweaty, panting heap.
As Tristan rolled off the other boy to his side, they both opened their eyes and were painfully brought back to reality. The person beside them was not the person they loved, and they both felt a twinge in their hearts. They rested in silence as they began to feel the alcohol's final effects. They began to doze in and out of sleep, but neither left the bed. They weren't sleeping next to the person they loved, but at least they weren't alone.
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A/N: So what did you think? Please review!