I feel sick.
Just sick. Horrible, awful sensation inside my chest. I did the scanning - all my organs are functioning properly, my body is healthy... At least for this stinky planet. But I still feel it - like an invisible defect in a perfect machine. It annoys me. It makes me sick.
First I thought it's some kind of Earth disease - that... emptiness in my chest, and those strange moods I get when I'm alone. Some mental illness caused by skool or those terrible human beasts of my class. But then GIR told me I may suffer from "feelings".
- You know, FEEEELINGS! - He cried, rushing to our television set, - humans suffer from FEELINGS!
He turned on one of those disgusting shows he loves so much, and we watched: a man was crying over a phone when his woman "girlfriend" told him something like "it's over between us". GIR seemed to be so excited he started to cry too, and between whining he told me that the man was suffering from "unrequited love". I could hardly suppress a wish to order that stupid robot to self-destruct.
I hoped, no, I knew that all that "feeling" thing is meaningless, just like everything that GIR says. I decided to define the cause of my sickness. If I know the cause - I can obviate it. I did a close analysis of all possible motives of my strange behavior, but I couldn't find the answers I need.
I could hardly get some sleep that night. I wanted to go anywhere, even in that disgusting human skool, just so I could distract from this sick... thing inside of my chest.
This sensation was horrible. Disgusting, it filled my every cell with disgust. And thought that it has something to do with humans made me hate it even more. I felt sick just because of thinking about it. I must get rid of it, or it will ruin the whole mission.
Next day I went to skool, as usual. The Dib was shouting and poking me with his dirty finger again. Stinky human baby-worm. He annoyed the whole class, and on the launch break they beat him. I watched them pinning Dib into a corner and knocking and slapping him, and then kicking him when he fell on the ground. When they finished and left him, his face was covered in blood. Human blood is red - what a weird color. As I witnessed that, I felt like my chest will collapse because of that sick feeling inside. I wanted to do something with it, with them, but wasn't sure about what exactly I wanted to do, and it drove me crazy.
I walked closer to Dib-worm. He was searching for his glasses, moving his hands blindly on the floor. His broken glasses were lying under my feet, and I kicked it in Dib's direction. He found it and put it on.
- You look pitiful, pathetic human being, - I told him. He looked at me - humiliated, miserable, defeated, with his lips cutted to blood, his face covered in bruises. I dreamed of this moment - moment of my victory against that Earth worm. But I wasn't happy; I didn't enjoy his sufferings as much as I wished to. I felt sick.
I offered him a hand to help him stand up, but was glad when he didn't take it. His hands were dirty.
I followed him to the toilet room. He didn't really mind. Of course he said things like "leave me alone you alien monster" or "making fun of me, huh? I hope you're enjoying yourself", but he did nothing to get rid of me. Maybe he wanted someone besides, and he didn't care who it will be - pathetic, predictable human behavior. I watched him limping slightly, and I covered my chest with both arms, because that "feeling" inside of it was so strong I was afraid that my chest will explode.
That was sick. Everything about this planet is sick.
Dib-worm was washing blood off his face. Water that ran between his fingers turned red, looking at it fascinated me.
- So, Dib-stink? Why would your classmates do that violent act to you? - I asked him, - That would be pretty useful to know, so I can use it against you later.
For the first time I didn't really mean it. Oh, how I hate to justify myself!
- They beat me because I'm not like them, Zim. It's obvious, - The Dib answered, spitting out more blood.
- Hmm, - I snorted contemptuously, - to me you all filthy organisms are the same.
Dib smiled; no, he grinned, looking at me through the mirror above the sink. I hate those pathetic manifestations of his human emotions.
- How are you planning to conqueror the human race if you still don't know anything about us?
- I know that you humans are stupid, that's enough for me.
Dib-beast didn't even argue with me. He washed his face over one more time and stared in the mirror. Bruises, his face was covered in bruises. It definitely hurt. That feeling inside of me became so strong it actually hurt too. I felt that I won't last long.
- You humans are such horrible creatures, - I hissed with disgust, - only you can beat and kill the others from your own species without any particular reason. You truly deserve to be destroyed.
Dib gave me a strange look. Then he made a sudden quick move towards me - I didn't even have time to react - and in next second I was pinned against the dirty wet wall. Skin on my back immediately started to melt because of the Earth water, but I suddenly didn't care.
He touched me.
He forced his fingers between mine, squeezed my hands, pressing them to the wall near my head. His body leaned against mine, it was hot, it smelled human, I felt his breath as he buried his face into my neck. It was disgusting, it had to be disgusting, but I couldn't suppress that feelings in my chest that pricked me like a knife, and I couldn't understand - was it pain like before or some kind of weird pleasure.
- Get off me! Don't dare to touch me, you filthy human! - I cried desperately, involuntary squeezing his hands in answer, but he only leaned to me even closer, his hair tickling my chin - awful, loathsome feeling of touch I suddenly started to enjoy.
- I hate you, Dib-monster! You have no idea just how much I hate you! - I shouted into his warm hair. Suddenly I felt his hot, wet mouth on my neck, and I froze, horrified by this gesture. He tucked his face - smelled with sweat, with blood! - under my cheek-bone and said quietly:
- I hate you too, Zim. I hate you too...
That sick whispers! You humans don't speak about hate with that tone!
I jerked my head away, but useless - Dib followed me, never breaking the contact.
- You're a pitiful liar... - feeling that bursted in my chest turned into a strange, unreal wish to be touched. Dib hissed something that sounded like my name and touched my cheek with his cutted lips.
Sound of the opening door made us stop - Dib jumped away from me, leaving me flattened against the wall, panting. We both turned to the intruder - dirty human thing from our class. He didn't pay attention to us, he was too stupid. Then my glance met Dib's gaze, and I felt like I was hit in stomach and lost ability to breath for a moment.
After that accident was another lesson. I sit at the table with my fists clenched so hard that my claws painfully dug into skin. I felt sick, so horribly sick. I felt need, need for something connected with Dib, need... for him? It was awful, it filled me with loath, but I couldn't control it. That sensation that tore my chest apart, it was disgraceful, it was filthy, disgusting, immoral, sick, so humane, but I could do nothing with it. I hated it, but I was helpless against it. I understood the cause, but now I prefer I didn't know it at all.
It's all about Dib. It makes me sick.
... How did GIR call that human feeling I suffer from?...