Zhuge Liang's Decision
Part 1: A Few Good Men
Liu Bei, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu slowly made their way up a nameless snow-covered mountain for the third time. The trio were on there way to visit the great mystical
strategist Zhuge Liang, and convince him to join them in their struggle. Though Liang had refused twice already, Liu Bei had a good feeling this time.
Halfway up, they stopped to rest.
Guan Yu cleared his throat. "Brother, is it just me, or is this the third time you've made us climb this mountain? Are you trying to wear down the man's resolve?"
Liu Bei ignored the comment. "I am confident that our strange friend shall see the light soon, brothers. If not on this visit, then certainly on our next!'
"My balls are frozen," Zhang Fei complained loudly. "They hadn't even thawed out from last time!"
Liu Bei could see that his brothers needed convincing. "Zhuge Liang will join our cause once he realises that we fight to create a world of peace, where peasants sing songs as they work, where puppies laugh and dance!"
"Laughing. . . puppies?" Zhang Fei shivered.
"Yes! And in case our vision for the future fails to inspire him," He held up a picnic basket, "I made him some delicious cookies!"
"Cookies?" Fei drooled.
"Not for you, for Mr. Liang," Liu Bei said, shielding the basket.
"Yes, I am sure he won't mind being paid in biscuits," Guan Yu muttered. He stroked his beard. It purred contentedly.
"He'd better not. We ain't got any money," Zhang Fei laughed, and started guzzling musou wine.
"Yes," Yu said. "It appears someone drank it all."
"At least I spend money! You might be virtuous, but you sure are a tight-arse!"
Liu Bei leaned against a large rock and sighed. "Will you two shut up? I'm a nice guy, but there's only so much crap I can take!"
Guan Yu flopped down onto the snow. "I still think this is a stupid idea."
On the other side of the mountain, Sun Jian, Sun Ce and Sun Quan slowly ascended a sheer cliff face. Sun Ce, the closest to the top, looked down on the other two.
"Pop, I gotta go to the toilet." Jian ignored him and kept climbing.
"Uh, pop? Toilet? Gotta go bad."
"You'll have to hold it, Ce," Jian said firmly.
"Oh, okay. . .but, like, what if I can't hold it?"
Sun Jian swore. "Ce, you will do as you're told and hold that. . .
"Turd, pop. It's a turd." His stomach rumbled ominously. "Oh, gee. This ain't gonna be pretty."
Jian winced. "Quan, pass me your hat. Now!"
Sun Quan took off his hat and started to eat it. Sun Jian resolved to hit him. I hate you two so very much.
Above, there was a tiny squeak.
"All clear, pop! Just a little gas."
Relived, Jian sighed. A short while later, the Suns sat panting on the cliff ledge.
Sun Ce flexed a sweaty arm. "Oh yeah. Check these babies out!" Muscles battled for supremacy.
When no-one said anything, he stopped thinking and went to sit with Sun Quan, who sat with his legs dangling over the edge of the cliff, still chewing his hat.
Sun Jian closed his eyes. Zhou Yu, why did that chandelier have to fall on YOU?, he thought. Ce was only one chair to the left, and Quan one to the right. . . Without you, who will keep Ce from screwing up the kingdom when I die? Though it hadn't been proven, an assassin was said to have been involved in Yu's death.
He shook his head. He needed another strategist, fast. Zhou Yu wasn't the only one to die that night; Lu Meng had been killed by bad fish, leaving Wu without a pompous-up-himself-know-it-all egomanic to guide them.
Jian had decided to seek out Zhuge Liang. The man was said to be able to predict the future with 99.9 percent accuracy, and was rumoured to be in the market for a worthy lord.
"Why we up here again, pop," he heard his eldest son ask.
"Ce, if you ask me that one more time, I won't be the only one who wishes you'd never been born." Why are my sons so stupid? Shang Xiang is rather bright, if a little bitchy. Maybe she should rule when I'm gone. . .
He looked over to see his sons sitting on the very edge of the cliff. It would be so simple to just push them both off. . .
Ce turned around to find Sun Jian barely three feet away, with his arms outstretched towards them. "Pop, what are you doing?"
"Uhhh. . .n-nothing! We should get moving!" If I can walk with a couple of pains in my arse. . .
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with. . .," Xiahou Yuan thought carefully. "E!"
Xiahou Dun roared and clouted his brother with the flat of his scimitar.
Cao Cao chuckled. "Relax, cousin, it's just a little game. I'm sure Yuan completely forgot that you only have one eye."
"Is it E for 'eyeball?'," Dun growled at his brother.
Yuan nodded reluctantly, rubbing his face. "You're getting pretty good at this."
"It was eyeball the last seven times," Dun shouted. "Honestly, you eat one eyeball and suddenly everyone thinks you're a lunatic. . ."
Xiahou Yuan and Cao Cao both looked away.
"Right, right, I've got one, " Cao Cao announced a moment later. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with H."
Dun, glad it wasn't E again, cast about for the answer. "Hill," he said triumphantly, pointing to one in the distance.
"No, no. I'll give you a hint: some of us like it between two pieces of bread."
Yuan began to guess randomly. "Rock. Snow. Sky. Mountain. Snow. . ."
Dun finally gave up. "What is it, Cao Cao?"
"Are you sure? Oh, all right, then. H is for. . .human flesh! Ahahahaha!"
Xiahou Dun's face turned crimson. "Honestly, you take one little nibble and suddenly everyone thinks you're a cannibal!"
"Cousin, you ate Gou Jia. I think that makes you a cannibal."
"C-could you not use that term?"
Yuan sniggered. "Still haven't come to terms with your cannibality? Gee, who'd have thought eating his own eye would give brother Dun a taste for human flesh?"
"Shut up!"
"How amusing," Cao Cao said in a sing-song voice. "I will go down in legend as the Hero of Chaos. Xiahou Yuan will be remembered as a master archer, and you shall always be known as a flesh eating cyclops. Ahahahaha!"
Dun swore and stormed on ahead. "Let's just get this over with!"
Cao looked down his nose at Yuan. "Now look what you did! We must keep a close 'eye' on him, cousin-aha! If Dun eats this Zhuge Liang as well, Wei will be doomed to employ that cross-dressing he-she-thing Sima Yi. Seriously, that Zhang He is one metrosexual man-maiden too many."
Xiahou Yuan grimaced at the mention of Zhang He, then sprinted to catch up with Dun. "Brother, wait! I've got a good one! Eye spy. . ." THUNK!
And so the three groups of heroes struggled on towards the summit, each hoping to woo the great Zhuge Liang to their side.