Well, I never expected that my first Spoby FF would be written like this...
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN PLL
Goodbye, Toby
She was numb. It couldn't be him; it was impossible. He was dead—or, at least she had hoped he would be. Though the latter thought had not been particularly warming, it was true. His house had caught on fire last year; the cause of what had started it was unknown. The searchers had not found a body. All that had remained were ashes.
Yet, as she peered closer, she knew that her eyes had not deceived her. No, her mind had processed an identical—and younger—image to the man standing in front of her.
He was still quite a bit taller than her, though she had grown a little bit over the years. His skin remained to be the color of smooth milk, and she recalled the softness of it. To her surprise, he still had those probing chocolate-brown eyes; they had not lost their charm on her, unfortunately. A smile—so identical to all those other smiles that he had shown so many eons ago—was spread across his features. He looked as happy as a child in a candy store. She could have almost fallen for the façade again.
Almost.
This man—a man whom she had once believed herself in love with—was a murderer. He had run over Caleb's mother. He had texted those awful texts to herself as well as her friends. He had betrayed her.
He had been behind it all along, and she had been so blindly in love that she couldn't see it.
And here Spencer was, hoping against all odds that she could get home from work without any obstacles blocking her way.
She took in her surroundings. The bustle of rush hour was gradually coming to a close. Behind her stood The Grill, though the mainstream flood of customers had slowly decreased as the years wore by. Across the street, a married couple—Ezra and Aria, actually—were walking side by side, their hands intertwined and their eyes so focused on one another that it would be deemed impossible to try and separate them.
That could have been her and Toby. Hell, she wished it had been her and Toby! If only he hadn't done such horrific things! Perhaps, if she did give him another
chance…
No. She couldn't afford to think that way ever again. Optimism wasn't healthy for her. She had learned that the hard way when Penn State rejected her. Besides, hadn't she wasted the past three years trying to forget about Toby? Wasn't that why she started seeing Wren again?
Though he would never live up to Toby's standards…
Damn.
Why couldn't she forget about it, about him?! It was all too much.
And then those texts…
Spencer had been shocked when she had found out. How could anyone be anything but?
Spencer was sitting in her room, studying for the upcoming Calculus exam. She had a headache from rereading the same passages multiple times, but nevertheless fought through it (with a container of aspirin nearby). Why couldn't she cram it into her skull within a couple hours? What had happened to her? Ever since this new –A had started stressing her out, Spencer's grades had been slipping dramatically.
Suddenly, her phone buzzed. Though she loathed –A with all her heart, the interruption was a welcoming distraction. She picked it up and smiled as she saw who had texted her.
Toby.
Just the thought of him sent shivers down her spine. He made her feel special unlike anyone else ever had. Toby appreciated her for who she was; he didn't try to change her. He just wanted her: a girl who could express herself without going to the extremes. And that fact alone made her heart swell with warmth.
Of course, she loved him more than anything—or anyone—else. Though she was 99.9% positive that he returned the same feelings (he always said those three little words to her on a daily basis), she couldn't help but wonder if he didn't. What if his love for her suddenly wore out? Or, perhaps, another, prettier girl would catch his eye! And what if he broke up with her just clearly out of the blue?!
She forced her mind to slow down so that she could rationalize her paranoid thoughts. Obviously, he loved her as much as she loved him! They had had sex, hadn't they? Even if his love for her did 'wear out', they would at least still be friends. And the probability of another girl catching his eye was highly unlikely; what was the chance that a prettier Alison DiLaurentis would come along to Rosewood, anyway? But suddenly breaking up with her out of the blue? Impossible! No, she was certain that Toby loved her.
Suddenly, memories of their happiest times swayed through her mind. The first time they kissed; the day they made love; sitting in front of the fireplace, content with each other's company, looking at the view of Rosewood from atop of a hill, etc. In that instant, she came to a startling realization:
She couldn't live without Toby.
It was as simple as that. No riddles or puzzles were needed to put it together. A world without Toby seemed dark and cold.
She sighed contently and opened the text:
Meet me at The Grill. I have to tell you something. –Toby
What on earth could he have to talk about? Her mind raced as the terrible thoughts ran through her head. Was he going to break up with her? What had she done wrong? Why on earth were they meeting at The Grill?
Stop it. It couldn't be that bad if he was inviting her to a restaurant for dinner. He wasn't the type of person who would try to make a scene out of something, especially in such a public place. Trying to ignore the worst-case scenarios that could occur, she abandoned her studying and fled to The Rosewood Grill.
Once she arrived, she looked around for him and saw him inside the restaurant, a table already set up for two.
A tiny bubble of warmth tickled her stomach. He was so good to her.
As she entered, he looked up. Surprisingly, not even a smile was on his prominent features. Confused, she sat down and tried to calm her heart.
Nothing's wrong…Nothing's wrong…Nothing's wrong…
"Spencer…Do you love me?"
She arched an eyebrow at him. Did he think that she was cheating on him?
"Well hello to you too, Mr. I'm-so-serious."
"Spencer, can you please answer the question?"
She flinched at the sharpness in his tone. There was something wrong…
"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"
He took a deep breath.
"Spencer…I don't know how to say this…but I'm –A."
At first, she didn't know what to say. But then she laughed.
"Funny. Have you been taking advice from Caleb? You do know that he told Hanna the exact same thing, right? Now, what is it that you really have to tell me?"
Of course everything was okay! He was joking around, and she had been a paranoid girlfriend for nothing! She could laugh about it all day.
She looked for a trace of humor in his eyes, but found none.
The observation scared her.
He wasn't lying.
"Oh my God…"
The words took a moment to register. Toby was –A?! He had done all those horrible things?
"You have to be freaking kidding me! Why would you do this to me, to my friends?!"
"Spencer…"
"How could you?! You've lied to me all this time?!"
"Spence, let me explain-"
"Explain what?! That you hurt everyone I love?! I can't forgive you for this, Toby! I thought I loved you! You were my first…Toby, how could you?! I can't trust you, anymore! We're done."
"Spencer…Please...Give me a chance to explain!"
She laughed, but instead bitterness dripped from her clear, soprano voice.
"Go to hell. Goodbye, Toby."
And with that, she left, running out into the streets.
He was –A…He was –A…
No! No, no it could not possibly be true! Not Toby! He was too kind, too sweet to be –A! -A was a monster, and Toby wasn't a monster at all! It had to be a nightmare. Yes, yes that's what all of this was, just a nightmare. Soon, she would wake up and be surrounded by plush pillows…
He was –A.
The pieces suddenly came together.
While he had been "gone", Caleb's mother had gotten hit by a car. Could he have done that?
How had Dr. Sullivan and Toby met? When she had wanted to reveal to Spencer and her friends who the old –A was, she had never gotten the chance. And when they did find out, Toby had somehow "convinced" her to come to the police station. Mona had to have been one of her patients, but what about Toby? Had Mona told him about the visit?
It had been Toby who had found the broken hockey stick in Spencer's yard. Therefore, he could have been veering them off-track from the other possibilities of Alison's murder.
Spencer had left Ian's flashdrive at the church. It had been found only a few days after Toby escorted Hanna to the church party.
She tried in vain to stop the tears from cascading down her face. There was no doubt about it: he was –A.
Where was the Toby that she had known: the boy who loved her unconditionally and kissed her at the most random times? Was that person even real? Had it all been a fantasy?
Had he ever loved her?
All of a sudden, he was in front of her. The fluttering of butterflies tickled her stomach. There were words coming out of his mouth, but she couldn't have heard them over the roaring of blood in her ears.
In addition to the thoughts that were racing through her head.
She still loved him. Oh, God forbid, she still loved him. Spencer had not stopped loving him after all those years.
But there was nothing to be done. He had betrayed her and her friends. She was engaged to Wren (quite a foolish thing for her to do, but no turning back on it). Nothing about Toby mattered, not anymore. He was gone, and would never return. The boy who had once captured her heart was lost to her, along with all those past memories of happiness.
And that was what saddened her the most.
She caught the last few words of his rambling speech.
"Spencer, it was months ago. I've changed. I love you. Please, Spencer, give me another chance! I can prove myself to you!"
She glanced at him and immediately felt her knees go weak. He was leaning closer, and it was intoxicating her. Spencer caved in, though her heart and mind did not readily agree with each other. As she gradually began to lean in as well, everything from those years came rushing back.
The man that she had fallen in love with while she was a sophomore in high school was –A. He had done horrible things to her and her friends for fun. Because of him, she had had nightmares for years. She had loved him, and nothing but guilt of once obtaining such feelings haunted her.
Just as their lips were about to touch, she turned away.
"Spencer…please. We can make it work. I know we can."
She leaned against his chest, all caution thrown to the wind. He planted light kisses on her collarbone and she surrendered.
For a moment.
As she turned around to face him, a hopeful gaze lighted his eyes.
You can do this, Spencer…
She was strong enough for this. He had had a grasp on her heart for too long. Enough was enough. She had to end it before things got dangerous once more. No doubt that it would keep her awake for months to come, but things had to be done for a reason, right?
With some difficulty, she pushed him away from her.
As she uttered the last words that she would ever speak to him, her heart shattered into a million pieces. With a quavering voice, she repeated the same words that she had spoken on the day that he confessed that he was –A:
"Goodbye, Toby."
I borrowed some of Spencer's musings about Toby being -A from a tumblr blog. There were so many hints that they dropped. It really is amazing that we never saw it. To view this list, please PM me and I will direct you to it. Thank you for reading!