Annnnd we're back to the angst x.x

Wellll, its in Ron's POV again. He's..er...well he's pretty bitter in this one. MAN! I make my Ron angsty. :bites lip and begs Ron for forgiveness: atleast i make you smart in other fics!

enjoy and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

So. hereI am. Back at home...the last place I wanted to be. But so goes my fate. I tried escaping to Hogsmeade to catch the Knightbus but Draco caught me on my way and forced me to hole up at his place. I told him I didn't want sympathy or comfort or anything else lame he had to offer me. So he gave me food and a couch and a shoulder to cry on.

I only took the couch.

I don't really remember the past few days. I just remember not sleeping or eating. Lots of telly. No talking.We never talked.
Which was a small blessing, I suppose...I offered sex to him in payment for letting me crash, but he refused. Said, " I don't want it to be that way."

What way he's refering to, I dunno. He never turned it down before. Oh well. I might've been hurt or insulted or ashamed, but I'm past that. I don't feel...ANYTHING actually. I dunno if this past week has been all about thinking and reflecting and deciding and accepting...I don't remember thinking all that much. But obviously I came to some sort of conclusion since now I'm sitting here in the den, my Dad bustling about, getting ready for work and everything perfectly normal. I got a lecture, naturally, which I blew off.

I simply said, "Would you like me to move out?"

They said no of course and insisted that I can't let this affect my schooling. Always about the schooling, huh? It can never be about ME and whats going on inside me and whats broken and what I've lost. No. Just as long as I stay in school and give them something to brag about, they couldn't care less what happens to me. Cause thats what the lecture was really about. Me ditching Hogwarts. I almost wanted to laugh, actually, sitting there listening to their regurgitated drabble about how selfish I am and how when they were young, they didn't have my kind of brains and opportunities and how disappointed Grandma and Grandpa would be if they heard I'd flunked out. Guilt trips. Not a big deal.

"Do you want me to move out then?"

"NO! We want you to finish school!"

"I don't intend to. So should I move out?"

"You're going to finish school! You're not going tobe some bum!"

"Well, since I don't plan on going back to school, I'll just move out."

"You're going back to school and you're gonna finish it whether you like it or not!"

"Then YOU go. Stop using me to live out your stupid dreams!"

" I WOULD!"

"Then GO. No ones stopping you except yourself. The day I see you ACTUALLY follow through with something is the day I go back to school."

And then there was silence before they started nagging me about the same stuff all over again. That foot tastes pretty bad, huh.

They don't like how I am now.Ginny hasn't lectured me since I got back and I don't expect her to. She understands, i can tell. She knows what its like to have them not know who you are or what your life is really like. She knows what its like to come last ineveryone's life. So, she just gave me a pat on the back and said, " 'bout time...Wanna see how far I got on that werewolf puzzle?"

Draco owled. Numerous times. So did Dean. I won't accept them though. There's nothing to say. No words can change things now. Its too little, too late. Far too late.

I didn't wanna become this...I was so terrified the last time I was empty; when i felt nothing. I got so scared that I'd never fall inlove again, that I'd never be able to enjoy the warmth of someone holding me and whispering in my ear "I love you." This time...this time i'm not so naive.' I love you' is meaningless. Its an empty threat. Its worthless. Wasted breath.

So maybe I've fallen, maybe I'm pathetic and cowardly for taking this road, but nobody knows...no one knows the amount of pain I was dealing with constantly. It never went away...But now its ok. Its a dull ache, like a stomach pang. Something should've been there, but isn't.

I won't talk to anyone anymore. Its not worth it. My problems are my own, always have been, always will be. I'm alone in this world. I entered it alone and I'm meant to endure it alone. I don't need anyone. And they don't need me. So i'll move out, get a small place far away, where no one knows meand let Ronald Weasley die completely.

No one will miss him. No one will know he existed. No one will care...

Cause do you? Do you care?

Did you care when I begged for death and screamed to the sky and ran into the rain just to lose myself and hid in the corner ofthe gardenjust to be alone to cry and hurt, for fear of ridicule and shame if anyone knew? Were you caring when I disappeared for a week, pumping myself so full of acid and heroine I went into a seizure3 times? Were you going to stop me from leaving forever? Were you going to help me at all?

...I didn't think so.

So keep your well wishes and hopes and pity for someone who needs it. I have myself and a pack of hallucinagens that'll keep me something resembling" happy" for atleast a year. Cause thats all I need. One year. No, I'll never see my kids grow up or grow old with someone. But i'm worthless anyways. I never deserved those things.

So keep your emotions and opinions to yourself. You didn't bother to help me then, so I want nothing from you now.

Live happily ever after. After the hell you've put me through and the soul you destroyed and the heart you ripped to shreds, you might as well.

How do you like me now, 'Mione? I hope you're disappointed in me. You too, Harry.I hope you're heartbroken and crying. I hope the day you find out I'm dead is the saddest day for you.I hope you choke on your tears and plead with God to give you back the time you should've used on helping me instead of indulging in yourself. I hope you fall apart at the intense guilt of not being able to save yet another person. i hope you spiral into a pit of depression so great, everyone around you with give up on you. And then I hope you'll know exactly what I had gone through my last few moments. I hope you'll be so burdened with grief and regret and guilt, you break. But you won't die. Never die.
I want you to live. I want you to endure the agony, cause thats what you made ME do. If I had to bear 5 years of misery over losing you, my greatest love, to Voldemort, then so will the rest of you.

So go ahead and call me bitter, spiteful, resentful, pathetic; I don't really care. I want nothing but agony and pain and torture for everyone around me. I want my last year to be something no one will EVER forget. I will cause so much pain, so much heartache, they'll wonder why they're bothering to live.

I will hurt.

I will slay.

I will KILL.

But hey, don't feel too bad now. It'll make me happy. And isn't that what you wanted all along?