Author's note (2014): Please be advised that this version of Crossfire is OUTDATED. To read the author's preferred edition including extensive revisions, corrections and additional material, please see "Crossfire Redux"

Author's notes (2011): I don't generally bother with these things too often when posting fics on FF, but I felt this... thing... needed an explanation, because I've never written anything quite like this before (and probably never will again because it's broken my beta's brain as well as my own) and I'm still not quite sure where the heck it came from.

I've been kicking around this screwed-up plot for a long time, although it originated as an idea for a Fullmetal Alchemist fic that I never bothered writing, because I was running into technical issues with getting everyone from point happy-crap to point omg-kill-me-now. Plus, the whole male pregnancy aspect was seriously weirding me out (which it still does, but obviously not enough to prevent me from writing it). Anyway, the whole thing got shelved for about three, four years until One Piece popped up on my horizon, and then it was downright eerie how everything fell so neatly into place.

Except for one thing: there is absolutely no explanation whatsoever for what's happening. I've seen every possible theory for mpreg spelled out in fics, from genderswitch to magic to everything in-between, and I didn't really care to repeat any of them or waste a lot of time concocting an original and elaborate excuse for something that's biologically impossible, so I took a bit of creative license, which roughly translates to "complete cop out" in less articulate terms. I was more interested in exploring how the characters deal with the curve ball than detailing the pitch, if that makes any sense.

Everything after conception, however, is hopefully fairly biologically sound, and the type of ectopic pregnancy to which Chopper eventually draws a comparison is an infrequent but possible real life occurrence with the same associated risks. If that dubious creative license pops up anywhere else, well, I wrote this crap in my spare time, presumably for fun...? In reality, I'm quite glad this thing is done, so I can move onto something stupidly cute and fluffy or at least a bit less angsty and requiring a lot less research.

It's also important to note that the crew doesn't have a clue why this is happening either, and I'll state right here and now that they never do figure it out; there's no mysterious old legends or conveniently accessible books in the Sunny's library, just a bunch of very confused and sometimes greatly amused Straw Hats who unanimously agree that the New World side of the Grand Line's even freaking weirder than the Paradise side. Although this doesn't keep them from throwing around their own bizarre theories...

That said... I apologize if this isn't to your liking, but it needed writing before my head exploded. Three years in the mental file cabinet is a long time.

To everyone who's reviewed, thank you not only for taking the time to leave such kind comments but also for giving this extremely weird and dark fic a chance in the first place.

Edit (9/23/11): It's just been brought to my attention that some readers are stumbling across this fic via direct links that bypass both my profile page and the huge-ass list of warnings that accompany this fic. Please take note that Crossfire (and several of its subsequent drabbles) contain the following: darkfic, mpreg, medical squick, sex, torture, non-con, death, etc.

xxx

When their captain pulls them all into the dining hall for a crew-wide meeting, they don't take it seriously at first, not even when Zoro, face a shade near identical to his hair, emphasizes Chopper's startling announcement by vomiting violently and profusely into the wastebasket he's been clutching since they walked in. There's surely a more reasonable explanation for why the older pirate's been so under the weather lately, and this is just an elaborate and slightly over-the-top prank concocted by bored nakama with nothing better to do.

But no, it's not a joke, Luffy's not laughing and Zoro doesn't look even remotely amused, and the dining hall table's strewn with pages of the doctor's barely legible scribbles, detailing - for anyone brave enough to take a closer look - how the swordsman's scored positives on every last version of the test that the reindeer can devise, including the more elaborate ones intended to weed out psychosomatic symptoms.

And four days later, they're still arguing about it, because none of them - including the ship physician and the woman they thought knew just about everything - can explain why their miserably ill, horribly embarrassed and very male crewmate is mysteriously but irrefutably pregnant.

xxx

"Ah, Franky, that's highly unlikely," Robin calls from her seat on the steps without looking up from the book resting in her lap. "-considering our swordsman is still capable of swimming."

"Oh, right." The cyborg frowns, scratching his head. "Alright, people, I'm open to suggestions."

"Oi, Marimo, you didn't happen to meet some weirdo with purple hair and a really big head, did you...?"

"Hell no. I don't make it a habit to hang out with mutants like your freaky okama friends, ero-cook."

"Those people are not my-"

"Nah, if Zoro ran into Iva-chan, he'd have bigger boobs than Nami or Robin," Luffy explains, making grabby hand motions at his own chest. "And he'd be missing some other stuff, but it was definitely still there last night when-"

"OKAY," Usopp interrupts loudly. "So no Prego Prego Akuma no Mi, and no Emporio gender swaps."

The sniper frowns at the swordsman, then raises an eyebrow in consideration. "Maybe he's budding like a plant?"

Sanji bursts into laughter. "Oh shit, why the hell didn't I think of that?"

"I hate you all," Zoro grumbles, stomping over to join Robin, because at least she's not making jokes at his expense and it gets him further away from the reek of the cook's cigarette, which has his nauseous stomach doing nasty little flips like it's full of tiny but rambunctious sea kings. The historian smiles and shifts over to make room beside her, patting his arm reassuringly before she returns to her reading.

Luffy, casting a marginally reproachful look at Sanji and Usopp, scurries after the swordsman and scrunches himself onto the stairs between the older pirate's feet, wrapping his arms around one black-clad leg. "Zoro doesn't really mean that, does he?"

"No, it's okay. It's just-" He sighs, rubbing his forehead with the heel of one hand and wishing his captain didn't always take things so literally. "I think I've got the flu or food poisoning or something, but it doesn't go away, so Chopper runs some tests, and then he tells me I'm- nrrgh, I mean, what the hell?"

They all know, they've all personally witnessed and been told again and again that the Grand Line - the New World especially - is a fucking strange place where really weird shit happens, but still...

He grimaces, wishing his idiot crewmates would stop speculating about how he and Luffy broke the laws of science and start showing a little more interest in helping him decide what to do about it. Not that there's a whole lot of options available, and while he would seriously prefer that this little wrinkle in the fabric of reality just conveniently go away on its own, he's not sure he can bring himself to just flat out ask Chopper for some help in making that happen. He's fine with killing armed men, but-

"Neh, Zoro? Would-"

To the swordsman's amazement, the rubber man breaks eye contact and fidgets uneasily, color rising on his face as he traces circles on Zoro's thigh with his pointer finger. "I-I'm actually really happy, but I don't know how Zoro feels, so... I just wanna know... would Zoro be mad if I said I want him to have the baby?"

"You-" It's unnerving sometimes, how his captain seems capable of reading minds. The older pirate's also thrown slightly off-guard because even though he's been anticipating - and secretly dreading - over-exuberant flailing and shouting since the doctor pulled them into the infirmary, closed the door and hesitantly told them that life was about to get very interesting, this is actually the first time Luffy's hinted that he's excited about their impending new crewmember.

Previously, the captain's regarded the news with thoughtful deliberation; they've all seen him periodically abandoning games of tag and kitchen raids to go bombard Chopper with new questions, most of them surprisingly serious and regarding the immediate impact of their situation on the crew. He's definitely coping better than Zoro, who's spent the last few days shuffling around the ship in stunned silence and often slinking off to hide in unoccupied corners when he catches his nakama peering at him with surreptitious but very badly concealed interest.

The swordsman feels as though he's taken several of the dartboard brow cook's most potent kicks to the head, and he doesn't think he could stand Luffy treating his... condition... with the same mindless enthusiasm that he devotes to exploring new islands and gorging himself on obscene quantities of meat, so the captain's unexpectedly mature response is somewhat comforting.

"... 'cause I do. Want Zoro to have it." The younger pirate mumbles, picking distractedly at a loose thread, and when he finally raises his head, he looks so uncertain but hopeful that Zoro's heart stutters in his chest, and even though there's a small voice inside his head shrieking incessantly that he cannot be seriously agreeing to do this - namely because it can't possibly be happening to him in the first place - not once does he consider suggesting the unpleasant alternative.

"I- no. No, Luffy, I'm not angry." He swallows, his mouth suddenly very dry. "I've got no idea how the hell this is gonna work, but if it's what you really-"

The captain's face breaks into a huge relieved smile. He flings his arms around the startled older pirate, who grunts as he's flattened against the stairs, and Robin drops her book when their combined weight nearly bowls her over. She watches them fondly as she retrieves the heavy tome, bursting into laughter when the horrified captain immediately leaps back up and starts frantically patting his hands all over Zoro's front to make sure he's alright.

"Calm down, Sencho. He's really not that delicate, although I certainly wouldn't advise using your gomu sling-shot to toss him into the crow's nest anytime soon."

"Definitely not, and Nami's helped me make a detailed list of his other restrictions."

At the sound of Chopper's voice, Zoro isn't sure whether to feel consoled because the doctor seems to have everything under control or indignant that someone's automatically assumed there's no question about him seeing this through. He settles for diffident interest and motions for Nami to hand over the neatly written sheet she's glancing over. "Oi, lemme see."

"You're not going to like this," the navigator warns as she starts down the stairs. "And neither is San- OW!"

Luffy, evidently displeased that she's not moving faster, has just flung out an arm to yank the parchment from her grasp.

"Damn it, Luffy, what'd I tell you about grabbing things out of people's hands?" Nami snarls, shaking her fingers, and Sanji smacks their captain's head on his way past as he rushes up the stairs to inspect her fresh paper cuts.

"No raw meat, no raw eggs, fine, whatever," the swordsman mumbles, scanning the bulleted list as he and Luffy – who is making a disgruntled face and rubbing his skull – hold it between them. "Wait, you can't be serious- no booze, no soaking in the ofuro, and no- OI! How the hell am I supposed to train without using my weights?"

"Err," Luffy grimaces, eyeing him cautiously, "-is Zoro still sure he's not mad?"

"..."

While he thinks he's going to be bored out of his mind for the duration of this insanity, Zoro's distress at being denied the majority of his favorite hobbies is somewhat mitigated by the expression on the cook's face when Nami plucks the cigarette from his lips and coolly informs him that he's just quit smoking.

xxx

"C'mon, Chopper," the swordsman groans, staring morosely at the small heap of capsules and tablets that the doctor's just dropped in front of him. "This is at least twice what you give everybody else."

"Everybody else eats their vegetables," Sanji snaps as he passes behind the swordsman on his way to the sink, where a small basket of mikan sits. "-except for Luffy, but I think we've all agreed he's probably not human, and you've got more to worry about than a mild case of scurvy. Just take the damn vitamins already before I come over there and shove them down your throat."

"He's right," Chopper tells the older pirate sternly as he turns away from their captain, who's just received his own daily dose and – to Zoro's disgust – promptly inhaled it sans water, mouth looking remarkably like Franky's shop vac in the process. "Without any missed menstrual periods to count, I have no way of knowing how far along you are yet, so it's critical that you get enough folic acid in your diet now because-"

"I know, I know, fetal neural tubular developmental whatsit, blah blah blah." Thanks to Chopper and Robin, who've spent the last few days pouring thoroughly over every medical text in the library, the entire crew has been learning more about human biology and reproduction than they ever had a need or desire to know. The swordsman scowls, poking the nearest lozenge, which looks big enough to choke one of Water Seven's yagara. "But I still fucking hate these things."

"If Zoro tries to accidentally drop them on the floor under the table again, I'll kick his ass," Luffy warns and then frowns when he realizes he won't be able to follow through with this particular threat. "-or at least make him sleep on the couch tonight."

It's taken no time at all for the captain to become downright fastidious about ensuring their doctor's instructions are followed to the letter, following his aggravated lover around the ship so he can chase him into the men's quarters when Chopper announces that he's been sleeping in the sun too long and to remind him repeatedly not to lift the anchor when they stop for the night.

The swordsman supposes he should appreciate the concern, but he draws the line at requiring an escort on his increasingly frequent trips to the head.

Luffy's now scowling, lower lip protruding disturbingly far, and making exaggerated pointing gestures at the pile of prenatal vitamins. "Couch!"

"Okay, okay, at least give me something to wash them down with, alright?" Zoro grumbles. He bristles when there's a small chorus of protests from the other men and Nami, who's just joined them at the table. "I meant water, you idiots! I'm not stupid!"

Even though Chopper has already negated his interest in drinking with a horrifically descriptive lecture on the various complications associated with overindulgence during pregnancy, there's no liquor to be found on the ship anyway, their supply having been promptly dumped overboard when the doctor presented Sanji with a lengthy list of instructions regarding their nakama's new dietary requirements and restrictions.

Zoro is still angry that anyone – especially the goddamn cook – believes him incapable of exercising a little personal restraint given the current situation, so it's a somewhat touchy subject.

Luffy scoots closer, pressing himself against the swordsman's back as he slides both hands over his stiffened shoulders and kneads until he feels the tension start draining away. "No, Zoro's not stupid, but Chopper said he really needs to take care of himself right now..."

Mollified by the massage if not necessarily by his captain's words, the older pirate closes his eye and leans into the fingers digging into his taut muscles, feeling a hint of amusement because Luffy's absolutely the last person with any right to tell someone else to be mindful of their own safety. "Yeah, right, whatever you say, Sencho."

"Idiot Marimo. Oi, Nami-san, what on earth made you agree to let that bastard eat these?" There's a series of dull thunks as Sanji reluctantly slices a blade through the first mikan, which falls into perfect segments despite his disgruntled attitude, because the cook can't help striving for presentation even it's just for the shitty swordsman. "I mean, I'm well aware that citrus fruit is extremely high in vitamin B, but he can get that without decimating your poor trees."

"Mmm, I was feeling generous this morning," the navigator hums, leaning her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her laced fingers. "He took my watch last night, and I know how much he hates those pills, so..."

"Why," Chopper demands, glaring up at Zoro, "-weren't you in bed, sleeping?"

"He got up a few hours after you came back from watch. I found him on deck, barfing over the side," the captain chimes in, scruffing his fingertips through the older pirate's hair and laughing when the swordsman swats at him halfheartedly.

"And I'll do it again, right here on this table, if I try to swallow those things. They're frickin' huge."

"You throw up on my nice clean tablecloth and I'll punt you from here to the men's quarters."

"Like to see you try, curly-brow."

"Both of you, stop it right now. Sanji, you know better, and Zoro- stop smirking at him! Don't think for a minute that I won't still smack you upside that green head of yours just because your belly's suddenly off-limits."

Ignoring the swordsman's muttered assurance that he's going to aim for her lap instead of the tablecloth, the navigator glances over her shoulder as Usopp stumbles in, yawning and rubbing blearily at his half-closed eyes. He's accompanied by Robin, who looks considerably more coherent, and Franky, who makes a beeline for the cold bottles of cola waiting for him on the counter.

Sanji abandons his cutting board to offer the historian a brimming mug. "Coffee, Robin-chwan~!"

"Ah, thank you."

"Didn't you get any sleep either?" Nami asks Usopp as he flops into the chair beside her. "You look like death warmed over."

"I was resting peacefully on deck when I was woken by the heinous gurgles of moon beasts," the sniper groans, rubbing the back of his neck. "-or it might have been the sound of Zoro regurgitating his left lung. Oi, Chopper, I thought it's supposed to be called morning sickness for a reason, so why's he puking in the middle of the night?"

"It's not restricted specifically to mornings, but it's likely to be worse if he hasn't eaten anything for a while. Also, his stomach's particularly sensitive to certain odors," Chopper explains, turning to cast a suspicious eye on Sanji as he emerges from behind the counter. "I trust you didn't-"

"No," the cook growls, stalking over to slam a bowl of mikan wedges down on the table in front of Zoro. "You threw out all the packs in my locker, and somebody else found my emergency stash. There you go, shithead, and don't forget to eat the peels too."

"Taping valuables to the underside of your bunk is one of the oldest tricks in the book, Sanji-kun."

Gnawing furiously on his lower lip, the cook's not sure whether to mourn the loss of his cigarettes or applaud his mellorine's genius. He settles for favoring her with a weak smile. "O-Of course, Nami-san."

"No wonder you're so touchy, ass-wipe. You're not happy unless you got something in your mouth."

"Says the idiot Marimo that got himself knocked up by our captain. Guess there's no doubt now about who bottoms."

"Not always," Luffy supplies cheerfully and protests when Usopp punches him.

"A-At least I'm getting laid," the swordsman retorts, glaring at Sanji, although he's now turning crimson. "How's your right hand been treating you?"

Luffy, Usopp and Franky snicker. Nami slumps forward in her seat with a sigh of exasperation, crossing her arms on the tabletop and burying her face against them, muffling her voice. "Sanji, go wash your cutting board. Zoro, just shut up and eat the bloody mikan."