Minions, a glee fanfic

MINIONS (T; ROMANCE/ HUMOR; CRISSCOLFER; RPF)

Summary: The real story behind that 'private' photo leak. Chill? Belch. It's CrissColfer, b**ches. It starts with one tiny photo and then gets carried away. CRISSCOLFER.

Warning: If you've been living under a rock lately, or some place where clouds are red and stars grow on trees, then you would have no idea what I am talking about. So, I suggest you blow dust off your laptop, and get reacquainted with the existing world. I really have no warnings for you guys other than the occasional language. And oh, this story is way, way, way, WAY OFF the Crack (-ish) radar. I'm going out on a limb here. This is purely my imagination working. There is no shard of TRUTH in this… or is there? Oh, and CHILLARRENS get LOST.

Disclaimer: The real people depicted in the situations as described do not necessarily engage in the activities portrayed below. This is purely for fictional pursuit –yada, yada, yada –I'm clearly enjoying writing these things each and every time. I own nothing. Any recognizable elements obviously belong to somebody more famous than I. No copyright infringement intended.

A/N: Story is in text messaging format. Requested by Anon from Tumblr: "A reaction to this latest 'Chill' drama –with Darren's POV." Here you go. I wish you Anons would give me your names though so I can acknowledge you properly. Enjoy. Please leave a comment when you can. (See end notes.)

P.S. I recommend that you read it in my Tumblr account so you can see the images. (see end notes for link)

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Minions

By: C.M. Oliver

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For that one anon Chill fan who refuses to stop spamming my inbox.

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You have (1) New Message:

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:05 p.m.)

What the hell? Why is Arnold being exploited all over Tumblr? Can somebody explain this to me?

And oh, I miss you. And Brian. Xoxo

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:10 p.m.)

Arnold? You seriously named that THING Arnold? And stop spoiling my baby. He likes you more than me now and you don't have to rub it in.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:12 p.m.)

He. Is. Not. A. Thing. He is Arnold. And he's yellow and blue and he has eyes and feelings. And I love him as much as I love apple juice.

Brian and I are in a mutual, loving, albeit clandestine relationship. How dare you try to curtail it?

And I still don't have an explanation as to why a picture of MY Arnold with MY note is being tagged as 'Chill.' Or 'Chrisneyland.'

Like WHAT?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:15p.m.)

Darren, he's just a minion.

TBH I don't know. Why don't you ask your PR? They always KNOW things.

I'm not giving Brian up. Forget it. He's mine first.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:18 p.m.)

JUST a MINION? Chris, you wound me.

And why ask my PR. I NEVER get answers from them. Ever.

Seriously though, who would leak those photos? No scratch that, who wouldn't leak those photos? I wasn't even aware that it was taken.

The note part was hilarious though. I've read a thread discussion on the merits of why or why not you would call Brian 'my cat'.

I almost put a comment on there. LOL.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:22p.m.)

I took it. Sorry. I thought it was adorable. In a totally weird way. And Brian was being bitchy. I call him CAT when he pisses me off.

Don't you dare post THAT on that thread!

Obviously someone went through my phone… got the brilliant idea… and the rest…

I really hate this shit.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:23 p.m.)

Hey, it's not your fault.

Have you asked WILL if HE did it? (wink, wink)

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:23p.m.)

OMG, you did not, Darren Everett Criss.

Why would you even ask me THAT?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:26 p.m.)

LOL. So, CHILL again, huh? You know, that's kind of a cool ship name. I wonder why WE can't get anything shorter than CRISSCOLFER? Not that I don't LOVE that, but…

And you know I'm kidding right? The kid is obnoxiously harmless. It's not his fault that OUR private photos were construed as YOUR private photo.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:26p.m.)

Some people just ASSUME. And like they say, it just makes an ASS out of U and ME.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:27 p.m.)

OH... Did you just – *snickers*

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:29p.m.)

Shut it.

Seriously. I wonder how long this one would last. I'm kind of feeling bad for the fans though. The real ones. Not the ones delusioned by our stellar PR people.

You have ideas for a new ship name?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:31p.m.)

People will see what they want to see. I mean just because you were both in New York…

And our fans are lovely. You can't fool them with just a bunch of 'PRIVATE' pictures. I mean they ARE private supposedly, but they're OURS. They're real. Not just in the context THEY want people to take it in.

Can something be done about Tumblr or Twitter TAGS?

I'm torn between CHARREN and DARIS.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:33 p.m.)

This is insane. I'm tired of this. I really am. Remind me again why we are letting a bunch of highly-paid, low-class ad people run our personal lives?

CHARREN sounds much like MIARREN *shudders*

And DARIS? Really? Really?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:35p.m.)

Just ONE MORE Season after this one. Then we can finally get rid of those thugs.

You have a point. Guess we're sticking to CRISSCOLFER.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:37 p.m.)

And if we get a spin off?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:38p.m.)

On FOX? Hardly happening in this lifetime.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:39 p.m.)

WE can produce it.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:40p.m.)

If WE did, it would be REALITY TV.

So the tags?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:43 p.m.)

True.

I'm thinking of accidentally LEAKING my own PRIVATE photos.

We can TAG it 'CRISSCOLFER'.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:45p.m.)

Who are you and what have you done with MY BOYFRIEND?

And what PHOTOS? We don't HAVE PRIVATE photos.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:47p.m.)

(insert evil laugh)

That's what you think. XD

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:49p.m.)

CHRISTOPHER!

If you ACCIDENTALLY leak embarrassing photos of myself, I WILL DENY IT!

Wait, you don't have embarrassing photos of me, do you?

:-(

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:52p.m.)

(still laughing evilly)

Oh, you know… Arnold told me quite a story…

(Hint: MINIONS, SLEEPWEAR, MY ROOM)

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:54p.m.)

MY MINIONS BOXERS! NOOOO! I love that boxers to death, but I swear if -

*sniffs*

You wouldn't? Would you?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 8:56p.m.)

Relax, baby. I'm not that EVIL.

But Brian's paws might slip…

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 8:59p.m.)

Brian ADORES me. He wouldn't.

Tell him, Bri-Bri. Tell him you love Daddy Darren.

:-(

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:02 p.m.)

Babe, you do know he can't read your messages, right?

And 'Daddy' Darren? Is there something you're not telling me?

TELL ME. NOW.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:05 p.m.)

You heartless human! Of course he can!

And I may or may not have legally adopted Brian through an online thingy. He's Brian William Colfer –Criss now.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:08 p.m.)

William? I did not know my cat had a middle name.

And you do realize we HAVE to be MARRIED for that adoption to be legal right?

And COLFER –CRISS? OH…

Dare, you don't mean -

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:10 p.m.)

:-D

;-)

:-)))))))))))

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:11p.m.)

DARREN! Are you assuming I would –

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:13 p.m.)

ASSUMING? I don't like to be an ass, Chris.

;-D

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:14p.m.)

DARREN!

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:14 p.m.)

CHRIS!

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:15p.m.)

DARREN! Stop mocking me!

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:15p.m.)

I'm not.

Love you.

;-)

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:17p.m.)

You're such a goofball.

And I love you too.

…

And YES, I would.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:18p.m.)

YES –what?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:19 p.m.)

(eyes rolling)

To the COLFER-CRISS thing, duh.

:-P

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:21 p.m.)

Oh, I knew THAT.

:-D

Just wanted to make sure.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:22 p.m.)

I'm beginning to reconsider.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:22p.m.)

NOOOOOOOOOO….. Don't leave me! I will do whatever you want.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:23 p.m.)

Crazy.

Chuck Arnold out of the house.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:25p.m.)

ANYTHING but Arnie. Please.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:27 p.m.)

Give it up, Criss. It's either the minion goes or I do.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:29p.m.)

NOOO… this is cruel. This is domestic violence. This is…

Can I still see him on weekends?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:32 p.m.)

I guess.

Okay.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:35 p.m.)

THANK YOU. Thank you!

I guess I should start moving his stuff over to Chuck's house NOW.

Hold on.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:38 p.m.)

You don't have to do it NOW. I'm not moving to your place anytime soon…

Wait.

Darren.

DARREN EVERETT CRISS!

DARREN, I SWEAR TO GOD –

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:44 p.m.)

Yes, dear?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:45 p.m.)

Why are you moving Arnold's stuff over to Chuck's place NOW?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:47 p.m.)

I thought you want him gone.

He'll be gone by tomorrow. Chuck will pick him up.

;-)

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:49p.m.)

What –

Please tell me you did not do what I think you did.

TELL ME.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 9:50 p.m.)

My lips are sealed.

You should probably check Tumblr more often.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:52p.m.)

What do you –

HOLD ON.

…

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 9:58p.m.)

WHAT THE HELL?

DARREN CRISS!

Why is there a picture of your minion with a suitcase tagged as 'DISOWNED by CHRIS COLFER '?

WHAT THE HELL?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:00 p.m.)

Zoom it in. Read the Note.

:-)

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:02 p.m.)

What –

Oh, never mind.

Let me see.

…

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:05 p.m.)

OMG.

I can't believe you actually – 'MY DADDIES ARE MOVING IN TOGETHER AND KICKED ME OUT SO THEY CAN MAKE MORE OF ME?'

DO YOU REALIZE THIS IS GOING TO BE PANDEMONIUM ONCE THIS GETS OUT?

No, don't answer that.

YOU DO.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:06 p.m.)

;-)

So, will you? Move in with me?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:08 p.m.)

Do I get to say NO peacefully?

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:09 p.m.)

You would?

Hmm…

NOPE. Not a chance.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:11 p.m.)

I thought so.

But really, THAT photo would just make things worse.

You DID NOT TAG it as 'CRISSCOLFER'!

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:13 p.m.)

Wait, I didn't? Holy – let me check.

…

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:16 p.m.)

Oh. Oh, this is not good. It's already gone viral. 'CHILL IS SO ON BITCHES'?

I messed it up.

:'-(

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:18 p.m.)

Hey, none of that.

I may still be able to fix this.

Hold a sec.

…

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:22 p.m.)

CHECK THE TAGS.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:24p.m.)

What did you do?

…

NO WAY!

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:25p.m.)

YES WAY! I love Photoshop!

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:26p.m.)

But that's –

I don't know if I love you more or –

THAT'S UTTERLY HILLARIOUS.

Minions should never get afros.

Arnie looks like vintage Bobby Brown. Or Bob Marley.

My HAIR isn't THAT CURLY.

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:28 p.m.)

Of course, it is.

Check the eyebrows.

I don't think anyone would doubt WHO his PARENTS are.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:30p.m.)

TAG it!

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:32 p.m.)

Done!

'IT'S CRISSCOLFER BITCHES!'

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:33.m.)

Yeah!

So, wanna come over and start moving things then?

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:35p.m.)

Be there tomorrow.

Hmm… now that he looks like that, I think you could keep Arnold.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:36 p.m.)

YAY!

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:38p.m.)

NOT in the bedroom, Darren.

-:-

From: Darren Criss (Received 10:39p.m.)

Oh, well, at least.

See you tomorrow, gorgeous housemate to-be.

;-)

-:-

From: Chris Colfer (Received 10:41p.m.)

Right back at you.

:-)

Goodnight.

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FIN (for now)

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A/N: I told you it was crack-ish. I was without sleep for 18 hours while typing this. I had planned something angsty and fluffy and this just went off-tangent. Special thanks to Arnold, by the way. Sorry for exploiting you, buddy, but it just HAD to be done for your dads.

WHO WANTS A SEQUEL TO THIS? I NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU. I have ideas but I'd rather not waste time writing them down and publishing them if nobody would care to read them. (Cough*Review *Cough)

So guys, I have an announcement. This may be my last update in a couple of weeks. I'll be working on my original stuff (you know, the one that actually PAYS? Yeah, I know, BO-RING. If you're interested to know about that though, PM me). I also need to unwind and get ready for when Glee actually comes back, shattering my fan girl dreams.

Never fear. I'll still be on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook (mostly Tumblr). So if you want to talk to someone, I'm always here. We can talk about anything, no holds-barred. I'd even play devil's advocate for you if you need me to.

So, you know the drill:

FACEBOOK: C.M. Oliver is Eastwoodgirl (#cmoliverfanfiction)

FFNet: C.M. Oliver is Eastwoodgirl (This is about to go down, though. Grr…)

Twitter: C.M. Oliver (a.t.) heyitschesca (#cmoliverfanfiction)

Tumblr: klaineloveandsnarrydreams (#cmoliverfanfiction)

Forever yours,