Deprived
Post ep for 11x5
Sometimes, without sleep, lines begin to blur.
Sleep deprivation is a physical thing that manifests itself into the psychological in a potent way. After a night without sleep emotions begin spiralling. You reach that strange overtired stage where giggling is unstoppable and self control dies. Definitely not the time to maintain a regular diet. Chocolate for breakfast will just make you happier, after all. The illusion of utter happiness passes quickly though, shifting into a thing of inane paranoia and desperation.
The desperation clutches. It hooks in determined claws and refuses to budge. He finds himself desperate for her. It's in a new and completely intangible way. He sees her behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes. It's part of the reason he's stopped sleeping. The act itself has changed from a release to a unique torture. In the grips of sleep, they're together, in a way that feels all too real. It tears him apart when he wakes to find his arms empty of her.
It's one of the reasons it catches him by surprise and he has to pinch himself to make sure he's awake the first time it happens. Sleep deprivation has torn at the edges of his sanity because there she is – alive and breathing before him and he is awake. Seriously, he bruises his arm trying to wake himself up, but it doesn't work because he is awake. Sure, it's been days since he has slept but his eyes are open, physically, technically, literally he is awake. Yet, he's dreaming because Ziva is before him in all her glorious beauty.
Her hips sway as she sashays towards him. Her smile wide. Her breath tastes the same as he remembers and she leans in close to whisper –
"Hello Tony," in a tone that leaves him trembling. It's every bit one of his dreams, but he is awake. He can't fathom it. She's not real though, it is a dream because he can't touch her. He tries but she keeps slipping through his fingers. All that does is serves to make it more real though, because that is the reality, he can't touch her. He never has been able to, really. It's always been right there, bubbling away under the surface, but they don't touch. Not the way they want to.
There's the memory of the kiss that lingers, and the words of love so endearingly spoken. He misses her so much it physically aches, a pain that is both dull and throbbing all at once. Nothing with her has ever been ordinary so it makes sense in a sad, lonely way. Her empty desks haunts him, waking or sleeping, it doesn't matter. It stands as an ever present reminder of what he has lost in the daytime and what he always stood to lose in the night. They could have had so much more time, but he swindled it. What's the job in the end? They both placed too much value on it. They should have put more on each other. He was insane. A fool. He wasted too many opportunities, too many times.
But now he's dreaming, or daydreaming or whatever it is, and she's here and he's not wasting it. So, he won't sleep, because this version of her seems more real than the one where he sleeps. He can't stand to lose her again. He's already lost little pieces of his soul without her. This version of her is a part of him. It's a part he can't let go of. He needs her. He needs whatever version of her he can get. He didn't spend months searching for her, he didn't spend years loving her, just for her to be gone. She can't be erased.
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Ziva's body tosses in a listless manner, occasional jerks that look like they require a great deal of effort. She's been in this weird coma-like state of sleep for days now. Her eyes bagged and heavy despite it all. She is exhausted, a deep bone-weary that makes her look gaunt. She's stayed in this unfamiliar bed, trying to sleep but waking feeling as if she's evaded it all at once.
She isn't safe. She knows that. She is aware enough to sense it, but she dreams of Tony and she feels loved and safe. She reaches out to him in her dreams, he looks real but she can't do anything but smile and telling him she's in trouble just doesn't happen. Dream-her just beams at him, doe-eyed and tries to hold his hand. It doesn't work of course, because she's little more than a dream apparition, but she tries. She really wants it to work. She also wants to warn him that something at the edge of her consciousness is screaming that she's in trouble. She can't though, she's just so happy to see him and she doesn't want the panic racing through her mind to dim the joy in his eyes as he reaches out to her. It already hurts enough with the little creases that form on his face as he frowns when he can't touch her.
It's odd though, because it's a dream. He should be able to touch her in a dream. There's just something strange about this dream.
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Dream-Ziva is holding something back. It's this strange sense he gets after he accidently falls asleep. It takes him a few days to see her again afterwards, this version of her only comes to him in a sleep deprived state. He learnt that after sleeping. Sleeping-dream-Ziva was a completely different person, more his imagination/fantasy and less actual Ziva. Dream-Ziva is a lot more like actual Ziva and he likes that about her. Really likes that, so much so that he deliberately evades sleep for another couple of days just to see if that brings her back.
It's different the second time, there's something at the back of her gaze. Something she's trying to mask but he's always been able to see through her, at least more so than most people. There's this panic look spilling through, it isn't overt, but it's there. It's definitely there.
AN: Warning: Updating regularity for this is going to be terrible. I love/hate my job and it is stress incarnate. Plus, it's report writing season – teaching is all about the overtime.