I knew that the beginning was just like the end in these bodies. It was a feeling unlike any I'd ever had before. But what I hadn't been told was that the end would bring back the beginning. The end brings back everything.
As I laid in the healing facility my head was reeling out of control, but not from some outside injury. I'd been given calm by the healer that had met me by the door. They'd made sure I was healthy. "Perfect". They'd put me on this table and left, only returning occasionally to check my vitals. The seekers had insisted that I be kept behind a locked door. No windows. Nothing but a sterile smell and artificial light. But as I stared at the scalpel in front of me I knew that the seekers had become soft in the years of occupation. Why would a soul ever be brought to violence?
The first flashback hits: I'm with Jared, blood oozing from my face, down my neck, and panic is gripping me like a vice. Jamie is sick. Jamie is sick. I take Jared's knife as he watches me, mystified as he watches me pierce my flesh, as he hears my muffled screams. I stagger into the hospital. Jamie will be alright. I won't let him go.
I know that I don't have long to contemplate this decision, but really, what is there to think about. I have one choice and only one. I look at my delicate fingers, so much smaller than Melanie's, soft and childlike. Ian loves these hands. And a pain so deep shoots through me that no medication could ever heal. "Ian..."
"Wanda I have something to ask you." I'm trailing behind Ian, headed for the kitchen. We've just finished seeding the field. In a few weeks it will be a flourishing garden of peas, each delicate vine held upright by its own support. I think about how I'm just like the peas, delicate, Ian is my stake. "I need you to do me a favor before you answer though."
I will do anything for Ian. He knows that. And so before he asks he adds "I need you to be selfish." And before I can protest he places a finger over my lips, "I don't want you to think of anything else but you. Not me, not anyone but you. Otherwise I just won't say anything."
I contemplate for a second, unsure; but seeing the burning in his eyes I nod. I love Ian. I will do anything for him. I guess that counteracts the "selfishness" he wants from me. "Yes."
He pulls me aside into a dark, deserted hallway. I feel his arms gently pull me to him, press me against his chest. I can just barely see his outline in this total darkness, but he somehow finds my hand and presses it to his face.
"Wanda, you know I love you."
"Yes."
"Since you've come here there's been hope... Something I'd never thought I would feel again."
Where was he going with this? My heart was beating quickly; fluttering as I felt him pressed so close to me. It never did stop doing that.
"Wanda I know that it wouldn't exactly be conventional, but neither are we," he let out a nervous chuckle that I didn't quite understand. Some days like this one I wished that Melanie was still with me, so in tune with these strange human signals. I was utterly lost in this conversation. "But I want you to marry me." He finished. "Will you marry me Wanderer?"
I could feel my face flush so red that, even in this darkness, I was sure Ian could see it. My heart jumped, my breath caught, my mind became a haze of emotion that still took me by surprise at times. It took me a moment to realize that Ian was waiting for a reply, patient as always. "Yes." I whispered, my voice carrying in the quiet.
I felt Ian's hand grasp my wrist as he pulled me toward the exit, a faint light coming from the rooms beyond. I felt the illumination hit my face, his still covered by shadow. "Are you sure that this is what YOU want sweetheart?" He asked me, his expression hidden.
"Yes." I said, slightly more in control of my voice now, able to sound as confident as this little body would allow. "Yes Ian, I'm sure. You're all I want."
In that moment his arms were around me, strong, yet soft. His lips found mine and I could feel the slow burning fire that accompanied his kiss. It left me gasping for breath, dizzy. His forehead rested against mine, the tip of his nose close enough that, if I were to tilt my head, it would brush against my face. "I will never let you go Wanderer. You're my universe."
"Oh Ian..."I sighed. The pain that tore through me was fresh and unreal. I would break his heart. I prayed that he wouldn't come in search of me, that he wouldn't become irrational.
Mel, watch over him please. And though I knew she was no longer there with me, in that moment I had the feeling that she could hear me. Back in the caves she would be waking up next to Jared soon. That's what I'd wanted. My sister would be safe, happy.
Mel laughs excitedly as she looks in the mirror. Her hair is finally back to its long healthy sheen. "You really did drive me nuts." She told me. She didn't intend for me to feel guilty as I always did when I thought of those months I had kept her in captivity, so I pushed the grimace back and smiled.
"I think that goes the other way around, doesn't it?" I asked with a giggle. "After all, I was the one hearing voices in my head."
She turns to look at me and all of a sudden her features are soft. "Thank you." She says. I don't need clarification. I know what she is thanking me for. I guess we can still read each other's minds in a way.
The memories are coming too quickly now. A tear streams down my face and I know that my time is reaching its end. I've got to finish this soon.
Jamie's laughter as he passes a soccer ball with his sister.
Jeb's endless questions, curiosity filling his wrinkle brimmed eyes.
Doc's excited smile as we return home with years' worth of medicines.
Jared's nod of approval as I bring return to the van, loaded down with enough provisions for months.
The gentle smile that graces Kyle's face as he holds Sunny's hand.
Mel's expressions from the face I used to call mine.
Ian's lips pressing to my forehead as I drift off to sleep.
I wonder what it will be like to die in this body. I know that, whatever happens, I won't make it to another life. I grimace as I think about killing this body. It will be murder. No seeker will be able to claim it, to learn its secrets, my secrets. My humans will be safe, or as safe as they'll ever be.
I'd been stupid. I'd been irrational. Now I would die here in this cold unwelcoming room. I would be alone. I'd never be buried with Walter. That thought stung. No matter what, no matter how hard I'd tried, I would never get that final right. I would never die a human.
I fought the urge to flinch away from the scalpel as I took it in my hand. This was no longer simply a tool. It was a weapon in my hands. I let it find the tiny scar on the back of my neck. I'd have to push hard. I would need to kill both of us with one push. This will be the worst of the pain. I thought, but I knew that wasn't true as I thought of my family, still asleep in the caves.
"Goodbye" I whispered to no one in particular, yet at the same time it was for everyone. My friends in the caves. Mel, my sister. Jared, the man I once loved. Ian, the only man I would ever truly love again. The souls around me, the earth I craved, the flowers and the bats and the see weeds. And as the metal pierced my skin, as it pierced my body I heard one thing, one final goodbye.
"I will never let you go Wanderer. You are my universe."
Well guys, its been years since I've posted anything on here but I re-read The Host for the first time in a long time last week and decided it was time to write some more. I originally intended to finish some older stories first that I'd left incomplete, but i feel like they happened way too long ago for the story to flow and my style just isn't quite the same. But here it is. Hope it doesn't disappoint and, as always, your reviews are much appreciated!