Just for a little light relief, we thought we'd attempt a funny one. But please bear in mind - it is British humour (warped), so do bear with me!

Disclaimer - Don't own them, don't make money from the, but damn if they aren't fun to play with!

Chapter 1.

'You have no idea what it was like' Hutch whined as he sat next to his girlfriend in the police café on the ground floor of the Metro. 'It was like Joseph walking into the lions den, they just stared at me.'

'Um….wouldn't that be Daniel?' Starsky peered at his partner over the top of his BLT and mopped at a gob of mayo that was in danger of falling onto the table.

'Jeez! And that from a good little Jewish boy! You should've been there last night to answer the questions. My mouth was dry, I could barely form the words, it was…..embarrassing!'

'You were such a brave little soldier' Abby told her man, putting a protective arm around his shoulder.

'Hutch it was a classroom full of first graders. It was hardly the senate select committee.'

'It was purgatory, that's what it was. Why didn't you draw the short straw?'

'Um….because we didn't use straws, we flipped a coin, and as I recall, you lost fair and square' the brunet muttered, reaching into his impossibly tight jeans for the rogue coin. He held it up to the light and kissed the small round disc lovingly. 'You know there's nuthin I wouldn't do for ya Blintz, but when the coin flips….ya gotta go with the flow.'

Hutch studied the coin for a moment and then a look of anger flashed across his face. 'Let me see that' he snapped, trying to snatch the disc from Starsky's grasp. The curly haired cop held it up out of his partner's reach and then tried to get it back into his pocket as the blond man wrestled with him across the table. 'C'mon Starsk, hand it over. Seems a bit too convenient that you won the flip with your coin from your pocket and….'

'Hey!' Starsky yelped as Hutch leaned over the table, grabbed the brunet's wrist and forced his hand down onto the Formica top. He forced Starsky's fingers open and took the coin, holding it up to the light. Roosevelt's face showed on the heads side of the dime, but as he turned it over in his fingers, Hutch also saw it on the flip side too. He glared at Starsky.

'This is your double headed dime! You used your "lucky" dime to sucker me! You know how much I hate doin' the classroom rounds and you… Starsk, so help me….'

'It's good for ya' the brunet said, backing up on his chair. 'Think of it as aversion therapy. The more ya do, the less you'll hate 'em.'

'The more I do, the less Abby sees of me, and Abby in a bad mood is not good for anyone' Hutch ground out, putting the offending coin in his own pocket as his girlfriend nodded her agreement.

'Well now that's the other reason I did it. It's good for your relationship not to see too much of each other. Absence makes the heart grown fonder ya know.'

'Yeah, an' a rollin' brunet cop gathers no moss' Hutch countered. 'You knew I hated public speakin' and yet ya cheated. That kinda treatment will not get you invited to Thanksgiving Dinner.'

'It aint exactly public speakin' is it? It's more…'

'It was bad enough. Now for Gods sake finish that mouthful of trash and lets get back out there.'

Starsky took his last mouthful of sandwich and licked the mayo from his thumb. 'This is not trash. This is the finest cuisine in the world. Crispy bacon, fresh picked lettuce an' juicy tomatoes. Not a spoonful of lecithin in sight.'

'No, just a trip to heartburn central. I'm amazed your guts don't just shrivel up and die buddy. C'mon, the lady in pink awaits.' Hutch stood and gathered Abby up into his arms as he kissed her tenderly on the lips. 'Its gonna be another late one honey, so don't wait up' he warned her.

She grinned. 'That's what you get for mixing with LA's A list. Don't let her eat you up.'

Hutch smiled at her and buried his face in her long blond hair. 'I won't. That job's all yours.' Abby giggled sexily and relinquished her hold on Hutch's shoulders as Starsky looked on.

'C'mon Romeo, it's gonna be a long shift.'

Hutch snickered softly. 'Just because your trouser snake aint seen the light of day for over two weeks doesn't mean that you have to get grouchy when me an' my girl show each other how much we love each other.'

The two men walked out of the café and down to the parking lot like condemned prisoners. It was two days since they'd had the call from Dobey to say that he had an unusual and dangerous operation for them and they'd gone into his office like lambs to the slaughter. They'd been met there by a large black man who made Dobey look positively petite. He sat wedged into the chair in the Captain's office and smiled at the two detectives as they stood by the desk.

'Starsky, Hutchinson. This is Guy Miles.' All three men shook hands and as Hutch hooked up another chair and sat down, Starsky perched on the arm and waited expectantly.

'Mr. Miles, why don't you explain why you're here?' Dobey said, and sat back. He watched his men as they turned their attention to the huge black man opposite. Miles smiled encouragingly. 'I represent the interests of Davina Darling. You might have heard of her' he began.

'THE Davina Darling? Movie star?' Starsky asked, sitting up a little straighter.

'Uh huh. The same. Miss Darling is in LA for the Oscars ceremony but doesn't want to stay in Los Angeles itself. She doesn't like the media circus. She's opted to stay at the Bay City Hilton – she's reserved the top two floors.'

'Of the whole hotel? Wow' the brunet gave a low whistle which Miles ignored and continued.

'She usually has her own security team with her but there's been one or two um….disagreements recently and they aren't with her at the moment. Which is where you two come in.'

Hutch looked sharply at Dobey. 'Us? Hey, we aint bodyguards! Let some other poor idiots look after the prima donna. We got more'n enough to do with Sanchez and Garcia being off sick right now.'

Starsky snickered. 'Yeah, how is that rash Cap'n? It looked real inconvenient to me. Bet they need slacker elastic in their….. Well they'll be off a while anyway.'

'Settle down Starsky. They didn't know that the room they were using as a stake out hadn't been fumigated. Anyway, you don't have a lot of options with this one. The Chief of Police has promised she'll have some protection whilst she's in the city and I've allocated the two of you for the next few days.'

'Why does she need protection?' Hutch asked angrily, 'She's a film star, not royalty.'

Guy Miles coughed softly. 'She um…..she's having trouble with her husband….soon to be the ex Mr. Darling. He's suing her for half her fortune and she's not too happy about it, so she slapped a restraining order on him. He's um….he's pursuing her.'

'Oh great! Not only do we get to deal with a damned spoiled brat, we get embroiled in domestic disputes too' the blond snapped. 'Why don't ya just shoot us an' put us out of our misery?'

'Hey, speak for yourself. I've tried that an' believe me, it's overrated' Starsky said. 'Besides, I want to meet her. I've never been in the same room as a real life movie star before. It's kinda cool.'

Miles raised his eyebrows but said nothing more and Hutch made a "humph" sound in his throat. 'Starsk, don't get star struck. These women are rich and spoiled and used to being waited on hand and foot. They aren't your usual find from the Pits.'

'And you think she'd be too good for me?' Starsky's face had the look of a little boy who'd been told he couldn't afford his Scalextric set.

The flaxen haired cop sighed deeply. The look on Dobey's face told him there was no way he could bargain his way out of this and by the way his partner was looking at him, he knew Starsky was hooked by the idea of reflected stardom. He grimaced and rolled his eyes up towards the ceiling. 'Fine. When do we start this shit assignment? And where?' he asked.

'This afternoon at the Hilton hotel. You're on the late shift. And Hutchinson this isn't a shit assignment.'

The two detectives headed for the door, Starsky looking like a dog with two tails while Hutch muttered darkly under his breath.

'Do ya think we'll get to go to the award ceremony? Oh my God, I don't even have a dinner suit. Would she mind a lounge suit, d'ya think?' the brunet asked as he trotted down the corridor behind his partner.

'Starsk, you'll be lucky of she gives you a second look. She's used to the likes of Harrison Ford and Dustin Hoffman, not Mrs. Starsky's little bandy legged kid from down town Brooklyn.'

'Hey, who are you callin' bandy le…..they aren't, are they? I always thought my legs were fine. They're ok, aren't they? Hutch?'

The blond snickered. 'Yeah buddy, your legs are fine. It's your head that needs lookin' at.'

The meeting with Davina Darling went very much as Hutch had thought it would, although for Starsky the whole thing proved just a little too much. When they made their way up to the top two floors of the Bay City Hilton, they were met by two of the biggest doormen the duo had ever seen. The two guys looked like they wouldn't have been out of place as extras on a King Kong movie set, or maybe playing understudy to the star of the flick. They were the types who had enormous muscles and head that seemed to perch directly on their shoulders. Necks had disappeared into muscle bound chests and they'd lost the ability to smile. After the most thorough pat down they'd ever endured, Starsky and Hutch walked into the living room of the honeymoon suite of the hotel, their feet sinking up to their ankles in the pale cream deep pile carpet.

Hutch had snickered when he's gone back to call for his brunet partner after lunch. Although Hutch himself had showered and changed into clean cargo pants and a fresh tee shirt, Starsky had taken the whole bodyguard thing to the limit and had dressed in smartly pressed black pants, a white button down shirt and his black leather jacket. He had his dark Foster Grants jammed on his nose and the holster he habitually wore was just visible inside his jacket. He had skipped down the steps from his house and got into the front seat of the car, sitting back expansively and flinging his left arm over the back of Hutch's seat. The blond noticed that his partner was also chewing gum.

'What's with the Mafia look buddy?' Hutch had asked, trying to keep the look of amusement off his face.

'I'll have you know this is what all the best bodyguards are wearing this season.'

'Uh huh. That and a nice pastel bullet proof vest. She wants us to catch bullets buddy, not give her a fashion show.'

Starsky had cast a sidelong glance at his partner. 'You're only jealous coz I make this look good.'

'Whatever!' Hutch had exclaimed and had driven straight over to the hotel.

They stood in the expensive looking living room and waited for well over five minutes before Davina finally put in an appearance. She gave the men barely a second look before sitting down delicately on one of the sofas and arranging her feather trimmed negligee around her.

'So, you're the best cops Bay City has to offer' she said lazily. Her almond shaped green eyes appraised each man as she flicked her long, shiny chestnut hair over her shoulder.

Hutch stepped forward. 'Miss Darling. I'm Sergeant Hutchinson and my partner here is….'

'Starchy….Starp….Starsky. Dave Starsky ma'am. It's um….it's a privilege to meet you.' Starsky almost elbowed his partner out of the way in his eagerness to get to their charge. Davina snickered at him.

'My God! My life is on the line and they send an idiot savant to look after me. My husband might as well just shoot me dead now. And you…' she turned her attention to Hutch. 'Do you have a brain cell to share with your friend here, or are you equally as dim? You aren't exactly what I was expecting.'

Hutch's temper flared. He hated the woman already and couldn't bite back the comments. 'Well you're exactly as I expected ma'am. In fact more so. Now can we cut the crap and get down to business?' the blond sat down on the chair opposite his client while Starsky still stood dithering in the middle of the room, his eyes fixed on Davina like a rabbit's eyes are fixed on a fox. Hutch leaned forward and tapped his buddy's hand.

'Starsk? Sit down will ya. You're makin' the place look untidy.'

The brunet seemed to shake himself out of his reverie and sat down mechanically on the chair next to Hutch's, his mouth hanging open a little as he sat watching Davina. The woman completely ignored him, her attention fully on Hutch. Her eyes sparkled and she seemed to hang on the blond's every word.

Miss Darling sat back and smiled. 'Business you say. Ok Officer. Tell me how you're going to keep me safe when my own bodyguards are having difficulties.'

'Simple. You stay put, we stay with you. End of story.'

'And if I don't want to "stay put"? What then? I have my appearances, my book signing, the launch of my perfume range. I'm a public figure darling. I can't just hide away.'

'If you value your life, and if your husband is as dangerous as you say he is, then you'll have to' Hutch argued.

'Ex husband darling. And I'm looking for number three.' The starlet sat forward and touched Hutch's knee delicately, looking up into his crystal blue eyes. Hutch met them without flinching while next to him he heard a strangled whimper.

'Lady, you do as we say, or you look for two more bodyguards' the flaxen haired cop heard himself say. 'Take it or leave it. What do you say Starsky?'

For a moment, there was silence in the room and Hutch gently prodded his partner, who was still transfixed by Davina Darling. Starsky's lips worked busily for a second but no sound came out and then he squeaked. Hutch didn't think he meant to and immediately Starsky turned the squeak into a cough and ran his fingers through his hair self consciously. 'Um yeah, take it or…..take it' the brunet mumbled, an idiotic smile on his face.

Hutch sighed. 'What my partner means is he is agrees with me. We do this our way or it's the highway, ok?'

Without even looking at Starsky, Davina trained her hand languidly down Hutch's pant leg to his thigh and breathed 'Yes officer' between parted lips. Hutch smiled encouragingly at Starsky and the brunet hiccupped.

Standing, Hutch pushed his partner towards the door. 'We're gonna check out the perimeter of the building. Stay put and keep away from the windows. We'll give three distinct knocks when we want back in. If ya don't hear three, don't open the door.

Davina stood with them. 'Yes Officer. Three knocks or don't open the door. Fine.'

At that moment a small pink object dashed into the room. It looked dog shaped and it sounded like a dog, but it was tiny and its fur was died pastel pink to match its owner's negligee. Hutch regarded it with horror.

'What the….'

Davina bent down to pick up the tiny poodle and tucked it under her arm. 'Hello sweetie pie. Who's Moma's little marsh mallow then? Are you pleased to see Moma?' Davina looked up from the little animal and smiled.

'This is Fifi. She absolutely adores men. Here, give her a cuddle.' The movie star thrust the dog at Hutch who took it and held it awkwardly at arms length. The tiny animal squirmed in the blond's grasp, its tail wagging and its tongue lolling as it tried to lick at the blond cop. Starsky's face creased into a huge grin and he took a step forward, his hand outstretched. Fifi took one look at the brunet and bared her teeth, a tiny, insubstantial growl emanating from the small body. As Starsky got nearer, the dog snapped out at him and the brunet withdrew his hand immediately. Davina grabbed the dog back from Hutch and held it close.

'Oh my sweetie! Did the bad man hurt my little munchkin huh?' the woman looked up at Starsky. 'She obviously doesn't like you. But you….' Darling turned her unwanted attention back to Hutch. 'She loves blonds……and I have to say, the feeling is mutual.'

It was Hutch's turn to blush and he looked away. 'Oh…um….well my um….my girlfriend is um……expecting me back, so maybe um…. Starsk? Why don't we go take the first look around huh?'