"For today's potion you shall be working with a partner…"
All the students locked eyes with their best friend.
"Of my choice." Snape finished. The whole class moaned.
"Now Mister Weasley you'll be working with that tall gangly Slytherin boy that was recently featured in Mr. Potter's third film. You know the one that none of us had any idea where he came from?"
"But Professor…" Ron said glaring over at the boy.
"No buts Weasley," Snape sneered. He turned to Hermione. "Now Ms. Granger you shall be working with Ms. Parkinson."
Pansy began to clap. "I got the brain!" Happy dance.
Hermione made a retching noise, but then her eyes lit up as if she had a brilliant-but-I'm-not-going-to-tell-you-because-Ron-will-say-I'm-scary-plan. Quickly she checked the extra potion ingredients she had bought over the summer and smiled to herself. Pleasantly she grinned at Pansy who instantly understood the determined-I'm-a-scary-brain-but-really-the-cleverest-witch-of-my-age look.
Pansy, the glee gone from her face, raised her hand. "Ummm…. Professor?"
"Yes Miss Parkinson?" Snape turned away from Neville whom he had just partnered with Crabbe and Goyle, seeing as those two really are only one person if you're thinking brain capacity. Neville had fallen off his stool and was now in a state of shock on the floor.
Narrator: Now seeing as I'm rather bored with myself at this moment (living in a box does that to a person) I think I shall have a little fun. (Points magical pointy narrator stick at Crabbe and Goyle.) Abra Kadabra Alakazam Turn these oafs into a can of spam. Now this isn't really a spell but as I'm the narrator and have soul creative license over this entire production it does work. Crabbe and Goyle become a can of spam and roll across the floor. (Giggle)
"May I please be partnered with someone besides Hermione?" she looked sideways at Hermione who was sitting there writing notes from the board about the potion. Hermione looked up at the mention of her name.
"Of course Miss Parkinson. I'll just make an exception for you and let you choose your own partner." Snape's voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Really?" Pansy squeaked. Quickly she ran over to Draco and wrapped her arms around his waist. "It's just you and me baby," she whispered loudly into Draco's ear. Ron burst into fits of laughter.
"Oh shut it Weaselby," Draco sneered.
Narrator: Weaselby! (Giggle) Draco is such an armadillo. Though a rather hot armadillo, not that I find animals sexy or anything. Turns computer screen away from you Well you know what I mean. Draco is hot.
Snape sighed in exasperation. "Miss Parkinson I was being sarcastic. Will you please go back to your seat and await my word? And yes you will be working with the mud… Miss Granger." Pansy screeched. Snape perfectly understood the shriek. "Pansy I seriously doubt that Hermione would be trying to poison you. Whatever put that idea in your head, silly girl?" Snape had no idea why he took this job.
"She gave me an I'm-a-crazy-beaver-with-poofy-brown-hair-and-I-could-so-kill-you-if-I-felt-the-need-to-because-I'm-a-frumpy-freak-with-no-friends-so-bleb look." Pansy looked warily at Hermione who made herself look like a crazy beaver and hissed. Pansy squeaked in fright scurried into a dark corner.
"Ms. Granger will you please keep your I'm-an-arrogant-annoying-smug-little-poofhead look to yourself."
She gave him a your-an-evil-little-greaseball-and-if-I-wanted-I-could-discover-your-story-and-then-you'll be so-screwed look.
Narrator: Now at this point you must be getting rather tired of Hermione's I'm-an-evil-mastermind looks. So seeing as I have chief control over how this story shall be played out I'll just say that Hermione was blinded temporarily by a random flying bottle of potion that I created specifically for dealing with this. So now she is in a pair of black sunglasses and incapable of giving rather freaky glares out. Squee!
"Now that that whole deal is figured out I can continue. Miss Random-Slytherin you'll be partnered with Seamus Finnigan."
"Not the Scottish guy," Random Girl screams. She quickly drowns herself in a strategically placed bubbling cauldron.
"Oh dear," Snape sighs as the girls pig tails disappear beneath puce potion. "Well I guess we must remove the evidence. Evanesco." The cauldron disappears. "Not a word to Dumbledore."
The class is ignoring him as usual. Not one of them saw a thing.
Narrator: (Yawn) Hey here is a tongue twister. The practically perfect prefect Percy. Try saying that standing on your head backwards five times slow. Come on a double dog dare you. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (chokes and dies)
"Well Mister Finnigan it seems that your partner has left so you can work at my desk with me."
"AHH!" Tries to jinx Snape but his wand blows up even though he really isn't the one that stuff like that happens to, it's Neville, but if the movies say so then it must be true.
So now Seamus hair is in an assortment of rather fake, though not supposed to look it, spikes. And fake gun powder is on his face. He screams again and jumps into yet another strategically placed cauldron. Snape quickly makes it disappear, looking around to make sure no one noticed.
"Now Mister Potter…" he looks around for Harry. "Mister Potter… Oh where is that boy?"
"Him and Malfoy had to use the lavatory Professor," said Hermione adjusting her black glasses.
"I thought you had gone blind Miss Granger."
"Jo wrote me as a know-it-all and no crappie FanFiction will deprive me of that right." She tries to give Snape an indignant look but fails miserably so she uses sign language that she just recently learned in the last five paragraphs and signs to Snape that she gives him an I-hate-your-guts-I-wish-you-would-choke-on-the-pieces-to-your-chemistry-set look.
Narrator: (Screams with rage and tries to blast Hermione to bits.) Die you foul even little look giver. YAWP!
Hermione shakes her head and simply brushes off every spell thrown at her. "When are you people going to learn that my existence in the Harry Potter books is imperative to the survival of many characters. I simply can't be killed. At least not until Jo has drained every last cent out of you with the release of her seventh book."
All you weirdo Harry Potter fans lean in hope that Hermione may reveal to you the title of the seventh book
"Harry Potter and the…" You all screech. She's about to reveal the big secret "Pillar of Storge." Hermione doubles over laughing as someone picks up the spam that was once Crabbe and Goyle and throws it at her.
"I still can't believe you fools really thought that was the title. I mean come on are you all that deprived of a real life that you must hang on to every prankster in hope that maybe they'll allow you a brief yet false taste of new Harry Potter info. Dependence on anything but yourself for life isn't really living at all."
Narrator: Cries I really wanted that title to be real. But hey at least Jo revealed the really real one. But you Hermione will have to go. I think your extra load of work you decided to do again has frazzled your mind.
Hermione: As I said I'm invincible. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jo needs me. And there is nothing you stupid fanfictioners can do about it.
FanFictioners: BURN THE WITCH!
Narrator: shakes head Oh but for all your cleverness Miss Granger you've forgotten one small detail.
Hermione: refusing to believe she could miss anything Excuse me but what have I overlooked?
Narrator: Though I may not hold right to your character I do hold the erasure. Picks up erasure and begins to erase Hermione
Hermione: You can't to this to me. I'm blind!
Narrator: snaps fingers There you are no longer blind.
The whole potions room freezes as Hermione is erased from the story. She watches in horror as her legs disappear. With one final stroke the narrator rids this fanfiction of You-know-who forever.
The room becomes animated and for a brief second calmness ensues. Actually it's more like a series of brief seconds seeing as it is rather hard to figure out exactly what's going on in a brief second. If it was one of those moments that seems to last a lifetime then yes you would be able to obverse the entire status of the room in a second. But it's not one of those moments so we must compress many together. Work with me okay.
Narrator: waves magical pointy narrator stick and we see the series of brief seconds through Snape's eyes. They are moving in slow motion as if time has slowed down. See even crappie fanfictions have special effects budgets.
Snape watches as Pansy's head moves drastically slow while loud drawn out donkey brays fill the room. He never noticed how horribly annoying laugh was. She's putting to where Hermione once was.
Ron is sitting there looking rather confused. He can't seem to find out where his two best mates are.
Suddenly Snape's vision widens. Thanks to Narrator's magical pointy narrator stick He sees Draco and Harry out in the hall snogging. Draco bites into Harry's ear slowly and Harry's moan of passion is drawn out. Snape screams and his vision becomes normal.
The rest of the class is using this series of brief but calm seconds to talk and gab. Neville Longbottom has just woken up from fainting and the first thing he sees is the can of spam. Slowly his hand reaches out.
Without a second to loose the series of brief seconds ends and Snape dashes towards Neville as the boy is magically opening the can. Time slows and Snape slams the can from Neville's hand. Spam flies all over the room.
Narrator: Twiddles thumbs and pretends that it wasn't Crabbe and Goyle that was just strewn across the room.
Snape straightens up and looms over Neville. Quickly he looks up and begins shouting.
Snape: See that Jo! I've just saved another one of their pathetic lives yet again! Maybe this time you'll let me have a little good light in the books! I hate being the bad guy! falls to his knees Please give me a better part!
Jo's automated response: I'm sorry I am unreachable at the moment. Either I'm working on the seventh book or I'm being held hostage by crazed fans. Either one. Depends on the time of day. Also I could be having another child but I'm not entirely sure yet. We'll see. Till then keep on looking for clues and I'll see you in ten years when I decide to actually release the seventh book. Oh and if this is Professor Severus Snape I'm sorry but it is rather impossible to give you a better part. I deem it fit that the children should always hate you even though you've protected them on more than one occasion. Good day…
Snape: But…!
JAR (Jo's automated response): I said good day.
Snape snarls and slams his fist onto his desk. He hangs his head in sorrow. When he looks up again Harry and Draco are back in their seats acting as if they hate each other. Harry keeps giving Draco nasty looks while Draco just smirks.
"You asked for it Potter," he sneers.
"No I didn't," Harry snapped, ignoring Ron as he tells a joke.
"You told me to bring it on so I brought it," Draco snapped his fingers in a weird motion in front of his chest.
"Yeah but… grrr… you're lucky I don't curse you right here."
"Why don't you. Scared Potter?"
"You wish," Harry grabs his wand.
For what seems like the zillionth time that day Snape shakes his head and pretended as if nothing was going on.
Ron sees what is going on and quickly stands in front of Harry his wand out ready to protect his friend. Unfortunately he trips on the back of his robe and falls backwards into Harry.
Harry is pushed back against a shelf and a potion falls off and smashes on the floor. The fumes from it knock Harry out.
Narrator: Now at this point I'll just fast forward to the end.
Snape: Mister Weasley because of your stupidity you've wasted any time we had in this class. Now I will require each and every one of you to prepare your ingredients on your own time for the next class. Class moans
As the class files out Narrator decides to put Hermione back.
"Bloody hell. Where did you come from Hermione?" Ron jumps back knocking Harry into another shelf.
Narrator: I'm tired of this snaps fingers
The screen goes black but then words appear again.
Narrator: Wait! I want to say that you don't have to review this piece of weirdness. I was bored and it really is one of the worst things that I've ever written since the Elijah Wood fanfictions I used to write. I just thought it was bad crap so I put it up. But I would really like you to read something else I have written. They are all really good.