"Hate To See Your Heart Break"
a J/C songfic inspired by Paramore's fantastic song. The song lyrics are italicized, and I do not own them, I do not own the characters, but I do own the plots of these fics.
Kathryn Janeway
Resolutions—Coda—Night—Endgame
Opening up was both tougher and easier than I thought. Chakotay's Ancient Legend helped, as did the time out of the command structure. With each day, I felt a bit freer, a bit more relaxed. The smiles were a bit quicker to come, and a bit brighter.
Then the comm. Badges.
There is not a single word in the whole world
That could describe the hurt
The dullest knife just sawing back and forth
And ripping through the softest skin there ever was
I can't help but feel that we should have known. We were Starfleet Officers, after all. Who were we to hope? Who were we to play pretend as if we had the rest of our lives to plan for ourselves?
How were you to know?
Oh, how were you to know?
And I, I hate to see your heart break
Chakotay probably doesn't think that I noticed, or that leaving New Earth affected me in the same way that it affected him. He was happy to live in the now on the planet, happy to do physical work, the products of which he could see and quantify, the opposite of work on a ship like Voyager. I knew how it was hurting him. I should have done more…
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
I should have done more. I didn't know how. Everything was different. It was more pronounced when we got back to the Bridge. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to get back to the pre-New Earth status quo. Admittedly, splitting the reports was the least tactful way of going about that, but I didn't know what to do.
Love happens all the time
To people who aren't kind
And heroes who are blind
Expecting perfect scripted movie scenes
Who wants an awkward silent mystery?
How were you to know?
Well, how were you to know-oh-oh?
We didn't ask for any of it to happen. It just happened to us, and instead of treating it like the gift it was, I made sure that nothing and no one could undermine the life I'd made. We didn't know, we couldn't grasp it while it was ours to hold, ours to touch… Nothing lasts forever; we should know that by now. Chakotay's, "Yes, ma'am" spoke volumes more than anything he may or may not have said off duty. Not that he said much to me when we first got back to the ship.
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
I watched you. I couldn't speak to you or touch you or tell you that I wasn't gone. I saw you cradling my body, and I knew. I didn't think that you still felt that way when we were back on Voyager. You and I, we had our lives back, and yours meant that you could love someone else, someone who could give you what you needed. I knew I never could, but I felt it, too, and I couldn't deny that. I'd always known that you could command Voyager, that you could get her home in my absence. I trusted you with my life. I trust you with my life. I know that you never would have accepted that Voyager was fully yours. I know the pain you would have felt each day, commanding my ship without me.
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
Each night for the last five years, I have revisited the decision. Sometimes, it haunts me. Sometimes, I try to imagine my life without you, B'Elanna, Tom, Neelix… We are a family. We may never have found each other if not for my decision to destroy the Array… But the wrong stars surrounded our ship to guide us home, and now even they have forsaken us.
For all the air that's in your lungs
For all the joy that is to come
For all the things that you're alive to feel
Just let the pain remind you hearts can heal
Oh, how were you to know? (How were you to know?)
The Admiral's intervention gave us the opportunity to live our lives. She got us home, and Tuvok will not loose his logic, and Chakotay… He won't have to watch Seven, his wife, die in his arms. She spared him what would have been unspeakable pain. We made it back home with more of our crew alive than the Admiral's Voyager did. They, us, we had our lives ahead of us. And Chakotay, within months of our homecoming, had decided that he didn't want to wait for someday anymore. Someday slipped through our hands and shattered on the floor. I felt like the Bridge had been depressurized and sent out into space when I saw him next to her. The Admiral saved us at the expense of me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to recover. How could you? How could you have known? How, my love?
Oh, how were you to know?
I have to be happy for you. It is my duty as your Captain and as your friend. I have hated myself each time I hurt you.
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before
And I, I hate to see your heart break
I hate to see your eyes get darker as they close
But I've been there before.