AN: Okay, this is going to either be a terrible disaster or pretty good so we'll have to see. Hopefully, it'll be the later but I tend to write lots of angst for a reason :L. But basically, it's a crack fic where Arthur goes on a Jeremy Kyle-like show (strangely hosted by Keremy Hyle ;]) and talks over his problems with various characters. (This is a pisstake btw - I love Merlin and I'm ashamed to say, the Keremy Jyle show cheers me up rather a lot when I'm ill ;)]

Disclaimer: Merlin doesn't belong to me *sniff*, though it's christmas soon so if the owner's watching.... ;)

Review my pretties?

"Hello and welcome to the Keremy Jyle show, Camelot's most popular chatshow! Well, Camelot's only chatshow! Today, my lovelies, we have an absolute cracker for you! Joining us today in the studio will be," drumroll, "the heir to Camelot himself, Prrrrrrinceeeeeeeeeee Arthurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Mad cheering from an army of pubescent girls fills the studio.

"What a fine lad. He's on the show to get some answers from not one, not two, not three, not even four of his friends. Nope, Prince Arthur has SEVEN people he has a problem with - the kid has issues, I'm telling you - and he's come here to sort them out! So how about that, eh? This'll get the viewers in if nothing else does. Join us today as we play 'The Weakest Link'."

Silence.

"Oh. Erm, bit of confusion there folks. Geez what do they expect when I have to double for Anne Robison? Nothing to worry about, really."

A wild cheering of 'We want Arthur' rises suddenly to a crescendo and Keremy Jyle visibly flinches as a globule of spittle from a nearby chav lands on the shoulder of his jacket.

"Disgusting. Alright, alright, he's coming now! I'd like to welcome to the stage Prince Arthur!!!!"

A chorus of 'marry me' and 'I love you' ring out over the speakers to be met by silence. Flabbergasted, Keremy Jyle turns the colour of beetroot as he realises the microphone's transmitted his words for all the studio to hear. Including a crimson prince who takes to his seat with a dignified silence.

"Erm, problem with the mic there, folks. Nothing to worry about. I mean it. Soooooo Arthur – lets drop all the pretentions. Here, you're just an ordinary guy with a shitload of problems and no intelligence to sort them out yourself."

"I –"

"No, don't speak! It's all about tension you know. Right. So what's your problem Artie. I can call you Artie, can't I? Or Art? Arthur's just such a handful to say…"

"Arthur, if you please."

"Right. Kid reckons he's posh. So, Arthur. Introduce yourself to the audience."

"But haven't you already –"

"Don't argue."

"Ermm, I'm Arthur..?"

"And who've you brought with you today, Arthur? Got a lot of problems haven't you kid? Fucked up in the head, this one is."

"My dad. And Merlin. And Gwen. And Lancelot. And –"

"So you're bringing on King Uther – bastard - some servant boy, your girlfriend, your sister – ooft I would – your friend – you have friends? – Mordred, and some other hot chick who's a Nimueh mark two."

"Yes, that's what I was –

"Now you've had a tragic life haven't you Arthur? You killed your mother at birth, fell in love with your sister –"

"Adopted sister."

"– shagged a maid –"

"That's completely inappropriate."

"- got pissed off when the maid shagged someone else, been tricked into almost killing your father, met the kid that's going to murder you –"

"Alright, alright!"

Each crime is punctuated with a gasp from the audience.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Keremy Jyle demands. "A DNA test? Lie detector? Counselling?"

"No –"

"Well what do you expect me to do? I'm not a magician, man!"

"Actually," Arthur admits lowering his voice. "I'm only here because Gaius' paying me a tenner. He says he doesn't know what else to do with me. Apparently, I have issues, whatever that means. Me! Issues! I'm like, the finest dude in the world –"

"Yes you are."

"Sorry, did you say something?"

"No no, nothing." Keremy Jyle sighs. "Continue."

"I mean, my mother died because of my father, so what? And this kid who's like five years old –"

"TWELVE!" comes a shout from off-stage.

"– six years old is going to kill me, but you know, shit happens. And yes, Merlin's lied to me for like, ever, and Morgana's gone all evil and strange in the head, and Morgause blatantly can't wait to get into my pants, but it's all in the life of a prince, you know? Next you're going to be telling me that Lancelot slept with Gwen or something!"

"But she did?"

"Oh yeah."

And without warning, the prince bursts into tears.

"I just can't take it anymore! They all hate me! Everyone expects me to be this strong, superior kind of human being – which I am, I'm not going to lie – but it's SOOOO hard always being the hero. I mean seriously, they always underestimate how hard it is for the good looking one! Especially when they're wealthy and a prince and have a penis the size of –"

"RIGHTTTTT…" Keremy Jyle looks shifty as he tries to his something in his lap. "So basically, your life's ruined! You might as well go and slit your wrists and rock in a corner listening to emotional lyrics."

"Inat mate. I mean, everything's such a struggle for me. It's hard to be this pompous and arrogant all the time, you know? People don't respect me! It's so –"

Keremy Jyle yawns.

"Ermm sorry. Were you talking? Sometimes, I just zone out, ya' know? Maybe you should stick to being silence and let your face do the talking for you, eh?"

"Ri-"

"No, don't talk. Well, the time's come to bring out our first guest, so ladies and, er, chavs, raise your hands for…"

"For?"

"I'm building up suspense. You're killing me here man!"

"Sorry."

"Please welcome, with minimal booing I might add, Gwen Cooper!"

Silence.

"Damn it, that's next week."