Disclaimer: Said it before, & I'll say it again.  None of it is mine.  The title isn't even mine, I borrowed it from Anthony Rapp.  But the song was appropriate for the story, so it's okay.


Maureen's party at Life was pretty good. We ended up getting drunk & jumping around on the tables in an attempt to get Benny & Mr. Grey to get the hell out. It worked. Hey, if he's going to evict us from our building, we'll evict him from our party.

The night would have been great, except that Roger & that girl, Mimi had a "moment" near the end of the night. I've seen her around the building before. She's cute. But I don't like her. In fact, at the moment, I kind of hate her. I hate her for barging in on our apartment. I hate her for needing a match for her damn candle. I hate her for falling for Roger. I hate her for getting him out of the loft. That was supposed to be my job, damnit.

I care about Roger. Of course I do. He's my roommate. Best friend. All that good shit. And, for just a moment, I thought that maybe we were...more.

Okay, he kissed me. It was two weeks ago. And I mean...I wasn't adverse to it. I've had tendencies towards guys before. Only certain guys, of course. I'm picky. More picky than with women, perhaps (observe Queen Maureen). And Roger was...one of those guys. I haven't been harboring some deep longing for him. I didn't sit in my room by myself, pining over unrequited love or some bullshit like that. I never discounted the possibility of "us," I just never really considered it.

So. The kiss. I was moping around over Maureen (as usual), & I don't remember what Roger said to me, but he sat down with on the couch, & next thing I know, his lips were on mine. After he pulled away, we sat there in silence. Awkward, yes, but then again, if your best friend suddenly kisses you out of nowhere, that'll happen. With either sex.

That wasn't the last. Over the next couple of weeks, there would be a little touch, or another kiss, or something like that. And it was always Roger initiating it. Maybe I was a little freaked out & didn't know how to react. I wish I could say that I wasn't sure what Roger really wanted, but he made it perfectly clear that what he wanted...was me. And yeah, that messed with my head. I kept wondering how long that had been going on, or what his real motives were, or if he realized just who he was talking to. And I didn't know how to react.

A couple days before Christmas, Roger let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted to be with me. I told him I wanted that too, but I was still unsure about the whole thing. I mean, it is kind of a fucked up situation we've got - an unemployed, nerdy wannabe-filmmaker living with his ex-junkie, would-be-musician, HIV-infected boyfriend. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's weird. I tried to explain why I was nervous about it, but I guess that wasn't what he wanted to hear. The kisses stopped. The touches stopped. It all stopped.

And then he was here. With Mimi. Bonding over...whatever. I stopped paying attention. I did get up once to get their coats for them. One attempt to get Roger to say something, do something, let me know I hadn't fucked things up permanently. Too little, too late. He didn't even notice me.

I guess maybe he got tired of trying.