Author's Note: First off, keep in mind this chapter starts out before Link goes to sleep.
Second, this is what I'm calling a TC - total conversion. Not only was this formerly script format, but it lacked quite a few adjectives that you may notice. Hooray, adjectives! Though this doesn't change the fact that I'm incredibly lazy, so don't expect a written orgasm of detail. And at the risk of sounding egotistical and elitist, I actually have a firm grasp on the English language - you won't have to worry about re-reading something to try and comprehend it (unless I want it that way). And yes, it's perfectly acceptable to start a sentence with "and," despite what your elementary teachers told you. And.
In summary, this is my effort to keep a fanfic up on FF.N despite its sudden hatred for script format.
So anyway, that's the deal. CUE INTRODUCTION!
A long time ago, in the distant and nonexistant land of Hyrule, there was a hero. This hero was one bad mofo. He lied, stole, and cheated his way into power- though not necessarily in that order. After obtaining the Triforce of Power, this hero went about his merry way, corrupting the pleasant land of Hyrule, and changing it into a much more suitable wasteland.
Did we mention the Hero of Time was asleep for 7 years?
Despite the fact our hero eventually got bitchslapped straight into the Sacred Realm by Link, the Hero of Time, he had a good 7 years to enjoy his newly created wasteland. And enjoy it he did.
Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, the bearer of the Triforce of Power, and the King of Evil, took in those long 7 years with open arms, and by no means wasted the short time he had before the legendary Hero of Time woke up to lay the smackdown on him.
This is his story.
The Countdown to Imminent Doom:
Ganondorf's Story
Chapter One: Prologue
"Blasphemous! It cannot be found! It has disappeared, gone forever, wiped clear off the face of Hyrule!" Ganondorf paced his quarters. "DAMN! These things don't just get up and walk away! DAMN!"
He dashed to his dresser and began throwing clothes out of the way. "It's got to be in this room somewhere... I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE COULD HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"
A nameless Random Underling appeared at the door. "Sir Ganondorf, your meal is ready."
"SILENCE, FOOL!" Ganondorf snapped back, "Can't you see I'm busy!"
"Sir, it's Mush Stew."
Ganondorf paused. "I suppose I can always find him later..." He slowly made his way to the door. "You know I love Mush Stew..."
"Yes, Sir."
"Carry me!" Ganondorf squealed, jumping into Random Underling's arms.
Random Underling managed to catch Ganondorf with one arm, and stroked mustache with his hand. "Yes... Yes, everything is going according to plan..."
Ganondorf blinked. "Nerf?"
Random Underling responded quickly, shifting his weight to his other leg. "I said, 'Everything will be covered on your meal plan.'"
"Yes... EXCELLENT!" Ganondorf laughed evilly. "Now, take me to my meal!" He pointed onwards with the thrust of one thousand teenage boys.
"Sir," Random Underling complied, and carried Ganondorf to a giant table in a neighboring room.
The table was stuffed chock-full of giant bowls of Mush Stew: a mushy, stewy substance.
"So," Ganondorf tested, "this is Mush Stew?"
"Yessir."
"Is it POISON Mush Stew?"
"It may very well be, Sir."
"But it's not?"
"Odds are against it, Sir."
Ganondorf took this golden opportunity granted to him by his mushy ancestors, and dipped his spoon into a bowl. He slowly filled his spoon with Mush Stew and dramatically brought it to his mouth - but not before tidily setting a napkin upon his lap!
Unbeknownst to Ganondorf, a nearby door opened, revealing a shape that vaguely represented a minion. Coincidentally, the minion-shape was a minion of Ganondorf's. This very minion, although preoccupied with entering the room, took immediate notice of the dramatic spooning Ganondorf was involved in.
"Noooo!" He leapt across the table (in Matrix time, naturally) and slapped the spoon away, landing face-first on Ganondorf's lap. Despite successfully completing Mission A, PSIP (Prevent Spooning in Premises), he was unsuccessful in navigating his way over the table whilst jumping over it.
Ganondorf sat very still, his hand still in place as if the spoon were still there. He paused to think a moment. "What, dear Inky, have I told you about interrupting me while I'm eating?"
The recently-renamed Random Minion, Inky, took a moment to review his notes before responding: "Er... Don't?"
Ganondorf nodded slowly. "And do we remember what happens when you break a rule like that?"
Inky slowly sat upright on the table. "Um... Nothing?"
"No," Ganondorf leapt to his feet, "you get a SPANKING!"
He then took a hold of Inky's collar and dragged him down to torture chamber, and many sounds were heard. It is rumored among some residents that these sounds were actually the sounds of two wildebeests mating; others labelled it the sound of the Devil bathing in manblood. The majority, however, knew the sounds as the cries of 11,000 suffering gophers (the truly well-versed among those in Hyrule knew of animals that didn't exist in their land).
The author would also like to recognize that NC-17 material was banned along with script format and MSTs, so the ever-popular Ganondorf Spanking Scene will have to be removed. Sorry kids. No matter the number of complaints I get from the many fans that surely awaited this segment, it shall forever remain lost in the back of my mind. With any luck, it will suppress itself.
Inky came out of torture chamber shortly after the antelopes stopped crying. "Whew. That was a good spanking."
Noticing the strange looks he got from surrounding Minions, he corrected: "...Good, as in... Er... Painful and unwelcome."
The others were not easily convinced, and instead concentrated their energy on thinking about other things.
"I need a drink," Inky wandered off.
Ganondorf emerged from the chamber a small number of minutes after Inky had made his exit. "I'm in a good mood today. In fact, the only thing that could ruin my fun is..."
Another Random Underling appeared out of nowhere. "Sir, we've been informed Link has acquired the second Spiritual Stone!"
"YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN MY MOMENT, DIDN'T YOU!" Ganondorf roared.
"Yessir."
Ganondorf muttered something incomprehensible, paused a moment, then continued his thoughts. "But that didn't work last time... No, that's too harsh... Well, he may be a young boy, but I'm no priest, so that won't work... Well, Din, Nayru, and Farore! I'm all out of ideas!"
"You could perhaps wait until he enters the Temple of Time with all three Stones, then steal the Triforce while he is blinded by the overly dramatic light," the Random Underling suggested.
"That would be a good opportunity to test out my new Maniacal Laugh, too!" Ganondorf responded eagerly.
The Random Underling blinked slowly, to let the audience know that this is the part where they should laugh.
Ganondorf continued, "The old cliché 'Bwahahahaha!' just isn't cutting it anymore, you know? My new laugh will be off da heezy, yo!"
"Yessir."
"You just wait," Ganondorf played with his cape, "You'll see! You'll all see! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE WHEN MY NEW LAUGH RINGS THROUGHOUT THE TEMPLE OF TIME! It shall echo through the corridors, and stop small children in their tracks! The pimply teenagers will put down their trading cards, AND THE RODENTS WILL QUIVER! Birds will plummet to the ground like BISCUITS on a Sunday evening, WHILE ADULTS GATHER IN GROUPS AND DISCUSS THE EVILNESS OF THE LAUGH!"
He threw his cape behind him, "And I, at the epitome of life, will be seen rising above all with my newfound powers, B and all shall fear my wrath/b "
Random Underling quipped, "What about house pets?"
"Oh, right, right. BIRDS WILL BE SEEN PLUMMETING TO THE GROUND LIKE BISCUITS ON A SUNDAY EVENING, HOUSE PETS WILL CLING TO THE CEILINGS, AND ADULTS WILL GATHER IN GROUPS AND DISCUSS THE EVIL EVILNESS OF THE LAUGH! And so on, and so forth."
"Yes," Random Underling commented, "yes, the extra line gives it a sense of... Of..."
"Yes? Yes, of what?" Ganondorf asked excitedly.
"Of... Sensibility."
"YES!" Ganondorf cheered, "MY PERFECTION SHALL NOT GO UNNOTICED!"
A second Random Underling appeared out of nowhere, "Sir, we've been informed Link has collected the third Spiritual Stone."
"What!" Ganondorf raged, "It hasn't even been 2 minutes!
"Maybe he works fast," the new Underling suggested. Upon seeing Inky walk by in an adjoining corridor, he added quietly, "Maybe he works very fast."
"Well, that whomps," cursed Ganondorf. "That means I'm behind schedule."
"Yes sir. Yes it does," the second Underling then disappeared as quickly as he had appeared.
"HOW DARE YOU DISAPPEAR IN MY PRESENCE?" Ganondorf yelled at no one, "Damn it! If these Dinforsaken underlings weren't so random, I could find that very one and FIRE HIS ASS! ...After I played with it a bit, of course."
The first Random Underling began feeling just a bit uncomfortable, and inched away slowly.
"Ooh, yeah," Ganondorf fantasized, "it would be so firm and plump!"
The Underling slid away along the wall, trying his best to avoid detection.
"And some ketchup smeared all over, oh yeeeaaah... Oh-oh-oh, yeah!"
Random Underling wets himself. "Almost free... Almost safe..." he thought, nearly to the door.
"Yeah," said Ganondorf, "I would suck on that for a while. I love the tasty juices, especially when it's warm!"
Random Underling took a dive out of the room, locking the door behind him.
Ganondorf continued, "Oh, yeah... I love hot dogs... Well, anyway, I should be going so I can cheat Link out of ultimate power. Would you like to accompany me and witness the moment I become supreme ruler of Hyrule?"
He turned to where Random Underling had been only to see he is not there. "Hm... I guess he got too exited and couldn't sit still. I can't blame him, I suppose."
Suddenly, a piercing alarm went off, and "Link has arrived at the Temple!" blared over the loudspeakers.
"I must hurry!" Ganondorf shrieked, and dashed off to intercept Link.
Chapter One: End
Author's Note: (edit: nevermind. Fixed the formatting issues. Sort of.)
I notice my old humor simply doesn't translate to paragraph format well. It's rather annoying, knowing most readers will become bored partway through. Oh, and I'm sure I don't need to remind you of that review button.
...That would be silly...