your hair was long when we first met
On the night that she and Sam plan to do it for the first time, Leah stands in front of her mirror, naked. She studies the planes of her stomach, the roundness in her breasts. She wonders to herself if any of this is beautiful, if any of this will please Sam. Her heart beat is racing. She sighs, and sweeps her hair in front of herself, like closing curtains before her body.
The door opens. She gasps. Sam looks up at her, surprised. He quickly shields his eyes and backs out of the room. "Sorry!" he whispers.
Leah grabs a plain dress out of her closet and slips it over her head. "Come in," she calls to him.
Sam enters the room once more, with a hand still over his eyes. Leah giggles. "You can look," she says, innocently. Sam fans his fingers apart, peeks through the slit, and sighs. Leah can't tell if he's relieved or disappointed.
Sam drops his arm from his face, and the two of them simultaneously shrug to each other. Both laugh at this, and Leah opens her arms to Sam, ready to let him in.
Sam goes to her, encloses her in his strong arms. Leah wraps her arms around his neck, stands up on her tippy-toes and tries to kiss him. Sam chuckles.
"You're taller today," she says, eyes closed. Sam nods. "And very warm." Sam nods again, looking down to kiss her forehead.
"Your heart is beating fast," he replies. "I can feel your pulse on the back of my neck."
Leah blushes. "I," she starts. She shrugs and shakes her head.
Sam takes his hand from her waist, places it below her chin so that she is looking up at him. "What is it?" he says. Leah shrugs again. "Leah, you can tell me anything."
Leah looks up to him for a second, then breaks away from their embrace. Her hands shoot up to cover her face as she walks a circle around her room. "I don't know," she says into her hands. The sound is muffled, but Sam understands it perfectly.
She lowers her hands and smiles a wary smile at him. "Maybe it would have been better if we didn't plan this," she says. Sam's eyebrows knit together. She moves to sit on the edge of her bed. "I'm kind of... nervous."
Sam sighs again, and Leah's fear that he is disappointed gains strength. Sam walks to her, sits next to her on the bed. He holds an upturned palm out to her, and she puts her hand in his.
"I am, too," he whispers. Leah moves her head so that she is looking at him, but Sam continues to look down. She leans her forehead against his shoulder and places a single kiss on his hot arm. "We can wait."
Leah breathes a sigh of relief, and pulls away from Sam. She crawls up the bed and lays on her side, with her head on the pillow. Sam follows suit. She reaches her fingers up to his beautiful black hair, twirling it in her fingertips.
Their legs are intertwined, but even so, Sam's feet dangle off the edge of the bed. Sam wraps his arm around her and kisses her forehead. Leah closes her eyes and inhales Sam's musky scent.
Laying like this, playing with his hair, cuddled up in his arms, Leah feels at home.
She wakes up alone the next day, which she supposes is for the best. If her father found Sam in her bed, he would have a heart attack. Even so, she feels a bit hurt that he didn't bother to say goodbye to her before leaving.
She decides to bring it up with Sam when he comes over later.
At school on Monday, Leah can't concentrate on a single thing her teachers are saying.
All she can think about is the fact that Sam didn't show up last night. Not that he said he would, but it was common practice for him to come by after dinner every night.
Leah wonders if she did something wrong when they saw each other last.
When she gets home, she races to the phone, pounds out Sam's number.
The phone rings, but nobody picks up.
On Thursday, she decides that she is going to march up to Sam Uley's house and give him a piece of her mind.
She knocks twice on the door, so hard, her knuckles hurt.
The door opens, and Sam's mom looks at her. "Oh, Leah," she says. "Sam was here earlier, but he went out."
Her shoulders slump. She exhales all of her anger. "Do you know where he is?" she asks. Mrs. Uley shakes her head. "Do you know when he'll be back?"
"You're guess is as good as mine, sweetheart," she says. Leah nods and walks away.
On the way home she passes Billy Black's house. Through the curtain, she swears she sees Sam's familiar silhouette. She runs to the front window and begins to yell, "Sam! Sam!"
This man looks back to her, and he looks like Sam, but he's much, much bigger than Sam was. The two lock eyes for a second, but he turns and walks away. Leah's heart sinks.
"Sam!" she calls. "Sam!" her voice is growing hoarse from all the yelling, but he won't come back to the window.
Angrily, Leah pounds her fist against the glass. "Sam Uley, you coward!" she yells. "Sam!"
Billy Black wheels himself to the window and pulls the curtains shut.
It's been eight days since Leah has heard from Sam Uley.
Everyday she wracks her brain for clues as to why he is ignoring her. The only thing she can ever think is that she shouldn't have told him that she was nervous. She should have let Sam have her that night. She shouldn't have been such a baby about it all.
And even through all the anger and hurt she feels, she knows she will forgive Sam. What else is there to do? Sam is the only man she has ever loved, and she's sure that he always will be.
So she waits, nervously, in her room for the moment when he'll come back to her.
One night, she's sitting on her bed, legs hugged up against herself. When she looks up, Sam is standing in her doorway, wearing only cutoff jeans.
She gasps. "Sam, what have you done?" He looks down, ashamed. He collects his thoughts, then looks back up at her. The look in his eyes as he shakes his head almost sends Leah to tears. She holds her arms out for him.
Sam drags his feet to her bed, lays down on her lap. Leah traces her hand around his face, from one ear, to his chin, to the other ear. Sam closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, inhaling her sweet scent.
Leah combs her fingers through his very short hair, tugs at it, hoping to lengthen it.
"Sam..." she coos. His face crumples into a look of pain. For a moment, she forgets that she was ever mad at him in the first place.
Leah pulls herself out from underneath him and lays at his side. She reaches her hand over his body, caresses his shoulder, his neck, and rests on his ear. She leans her forehead to his temple and places her lips on his cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Leah," he says.
"It's not so bad," she whispers. "It will grow."
At this, Sam turns to his side, wrapping his arm around Leah's waist. He buries his head in her chest, feels her heartbeat against his eyelids. Today, he is so tall that his calves hang from the end of her bed.
Sam is shaking his head back and forth, but Leah doesn't understand. She holds his head closer to her, strokes the back of his hair. He is shivering, despite how extremely warm he is. Leah hugs him even tighter, tries to stop the shaking.
"I promise, Leah," he breathes. "I promise, when this is all over, I'm going to make it right. I promise it's going to get easier. And I am going to make you happy."
Leah frowns a little. She cranes her neck down and kisses the top of his head. "You make me happy all the time, Sam," she whispers into his hair. Sam shakes his head again, and his short locks tickle Leah's face.
"I promise, Leah," he says. "I promise when this is over, we can run away. We can run away and we will get married and live the life we always wanted." Tears from Sam's eyes stain the front of Leah's blouse. "Just give me some time to sort this all out, and I will make you happy."
Leah nods and kisses the top of his head.
Sam exhales deeply into her chest. "I promise."
i loved you first.