The New Avengers the British secret agent TV series from 1976/78
Starring Patrick MacNee as John Steed
Joanna Lumley as Purdey
Gareth Hunt as Mike Gambit
Special guest star Kate O'Mara as Doctor Del'lollipopo
Complete story, 1 chapter.
Containing language and attitudes typical of their era...
John Steed remembers...
One case that I do remember involved a Russian plan to destabilise the west - but, then, weren't they always trying to do that ? It all started when I was asked to meet one of the 'high ups' from MI6 at a private club in Mayfair. For the purposes of this story, I'll call my contact Sir Dennis. Other names have been changed as well for the purposes of publication.
"Do you know Sir John Thomas ?" He asked me.
"Yes I do." I replied quite honestly - Sir John was a fairly good friend of mine. Different schools, different regiments but we met when Sir John - just plain John, then of course - was in the diplomatic service. I knew that, some years later, he was recruited in to the lower echelons of MI6 and had been promoted several times since then. "One of your chaps, isn't he ?"
"He was." Said Sir Dennis cryptically.
"Something happened to him ?"
Sir Dennis looked around then said quietly - "Arrested in a public toilet on Hampstead Heath."
"What for ?" I asked.
"The same thing as men are always arrested for in the toilets on Hampstead Heath." Said Sir Dennis.
"I don't believe it." I said "You expect me to believe that Sir John Thomas has joined the limp wristed brigade ? The man is an inveterate womaniser, he would put a tom cat to shame. That just isn't possible."
"He tried to molest a man in the toilet and, when the police arrived, he started trying to touch them up too." Said Sir Dennis "He's turned into the biggest queer since Oscar Wilde and the funny thing is that everyone I talk to says it's impossible."
"Well, it is impossible." I insisted "I don't have the details here but..."
"I do." Interrupted Sir Dennis, bringing a file from his briefcase "All the details right here."
We looked through the file together ...there was wife number 1 - Olga Povlakov, a Romanian woman that Sir John had met in Washington. She divorced him when he got their cleaning lady pregnant - he pays for the childs education but he married another woman altogether - his secretary, an English woman called Tracey Drabb became the second Mrs Thomas. It didn't last long, though as Sir John fell in love with his new secretary - Christabel Frost. Sir John divorced Tracey and married Christabel a week later. That was 4 years ago.
"There you are," I said "Morals of a tom cat. A tom cat, though, who liked the lady cats. Are you sure there's no possibility of a mistake here ? Temporary insanity or maybe he's putting on an act for some reason. Deep cover ? Some kind of double bluff ?"
"That would be a possibility," said Sir Dennis "If it hadn't been for the letter."
"A letter ?" I asked.
"We got a letter three months ago demanding a payment of £2 million in to a Hungarian bank account." Said Sir Dennis "That would have been the first payment - then a further £2 million every month, on the first of the month, to the same bank account. Failure to pay would result in the use of the 'pooferiser' on our top agents."
"Pooferiser ?" I asked.
"Yes," said Sir Dennis "The word was used in the letter. A device - whether a weapon or a gas or a chemical, we don't know, but something that can turn a normal man in to a poof !"
"Did we pay the £2 million ?" I asked.
"No," said Sir Dennis "We put one of our people in Hungary on to it, got them to check out the bank. He was caught and returned last week - exchange of prisoners in Turkey. A chap called Rock Hardman - his name is a contradiction in terms now because when he was handed over he had become a raving nancy boy. He was quite normal previously. He's in a retirement home at the moment..." Sir Dennis tapped the side of his nose "Looney bin."
"Is it Hungarians that are behind it ?" I asked.
"Possibly, just as likely the Russians." Said Sir Dennis "Awkward situation, eh Steed ?"
"It certainly is," I agreed "Might be a good idea to make the payment, try and track the money somehow."
"Well, the money is going to end up in the pockets of the Hungarian government or the Kremlin, we know that already. Paying them is no guarantee they won't use it anyway. A weapon as powerful as that. Imagine, you or I could be next."
It was a rather chilling prospect. It seemed to me that the only lead we had - and it was a jolly slim lead - was Sir John Thomas. I took his file with me and called on Purdey and Mike Gambit.
We didn't have much to go on - although I was interested in the fact that Sir John had been shot in the leg in an incident at the Berlin wall a few months earlier.
"You think the bullet might have contained this 'pooferiser' drug ?" Asked Gambit.
"It's a possibility." I said.
"It took a long time to work, didn't it ?" Asked Purdey.
"Yes," I conceded the point "But I still think there may be a link."
"It was before the blackmail letter arrived as well." Pointed out Gambit.
"Weren't you shot in that general area, Mike ?" Asked Purdey.
"Yes," said Gambit "I was shot just beside the Checkpoint Charlies."
"Sounds painful," I said "I suggest, that with nothing better to go on, we start by speaking to Sir John's wife and exes."
I decided that I would have a chat with the present Mrs Thomas - the third, and current, wife, while Purdey and Gambit by playing 'rock, paper, scissors' chose to see, respectively, the second Mrs Thomas and the first.
Mrs Thomas - the present Mrs Thomas - wasn't much help to me. She was very distraught over what had happened though she tried to maintain a 'stiff upper lip'. The doctor had prescribed tranquillisers which probably wasn't a good combination with the brandy she was knocking back as she spoke to me. There didn't seem to be anything in Sir John's background to explain the latest events and I asked about the leg injury. That had been nothing serious - the bullet was removed in hospital in Berlin and probably disposed of without any forensic investigation. A month of physiotherapy and Sir John was as right as rain... and as normal as ever - he had even tried to chat up the physiotherapist, in fact. Needless to say, in the light of recent developments, Mrs Thomas was seeking a divorce. Sir John's family planned to send him to New Zealand or Australia to live under an assumed name.
At about the same time as I was speaking to the latest Mrs Thomas, Purdey had driven in to Berkshire to visit the second Mrs Thomas - previously the secretary, Tracey Drabb. On reaching the house, Purdey drove up the drive to the front doors. There was no reply to the doorbell so Purdey tried the handle, the door opened. She walked in. Silence. Purdey was grabbed from behind, she countered the move with a classic leg sweep but her opponent was equal to it and took a tighter grip round her neck and shoulder. More struggling, an elbow that should have collided with the side of the attackers head missed - the attacker was good, very good and it would take all of Purdey's skill to ... Purdey ducked down, the neck hold slipped out of place, Purdey made full use of her momentary advantage and her attacker went flying. Essentially imagine Mrs Peel at her peak fighting Miss Gale at her peak and you'll have an idea because Purdey's opponent was a woman. Once pinned to the ground by Purdey, the mystery attacker admitted to being the former Mrs Thomas - the very person Purdey had come to speak to.
"Well, why didn't you say so ?" Asked Purdey apologetically.
"To a complete stranger breaking in to my house ?" Mrs Thomas countered.
"Very good." Said Purdey, "I'm awfully sorry." She helped her former combattant to her feet, "I came here to talk about your former husband, Sir John Thomas - he's suffered quite a nasty accident."
Well, the former Mrs Thomas couldn't have cared less about what had happened to Sir John. "He can drop dead for all I care," she said "what happened to him ? Injured jumping out of some woman's bedroom window ?"
"Something like that." Said Purdey. There was obviously little information to be found here and Purdey prepared to leave - "Where did you learn to fight like that, by the way ?" She asked at the door.
"Civil service judo club." Answered Tracey.
Gambit drew a blank on the first Mrs Thomas - she had moved from her last known address and tracing her was put in the hands of the local police.
As the three of us met to discuss our progress - or lack of it - I received shock news in a telephone call. Another operative had fallen victim to the dreaded 'pooferiser' weapon. Roger Knightly was an ex intelligence agent now working at the Admiralty. He had been arrested in a public lavatory near - of all places - Buckingham Palace. At the request of MI5, the police had not yet brought charges of gross indecency and he had been moved to a secure hospital well outside the capital. The Queen was not informed of the outrage.
Checking through Knightly's file, it was Purdey who spotted what would become a vital clue... "Injured his leg in a motorcycle accident ... didn't Sir John have a leg injury ?"
"Quite right." I said.
"Could be a link there." Said Gambit "But how can an injured leg lead to ... you know, that ?"
"Well, that's exactly what I want to know, Gambit." I said "Go and have a word with Mrs Knightly. See if you can pick up anything about it. Meanwhile, Purdey, get in touch with the police and see if they've had any luck tracking down Sir John's first wife. She was Romanian, remember, I'd like to know where she's disappeared to."
Gambit spoke to Mrs Knightly about her husband - she was distraught, obviously and desperate to keep it out of the papers. Answers to questions - he told me later - were hard to come by and somewhat rambling however ... and it was a big 'however' ... Knightly had been to a physiotherapist after his motorcycle accident...
"A Polish woman with a physiotherapy clinic in the High Street, Epping." Said Gambit. I checked by telephone with Mrs Thomas and - although she'd been admitted to hospital after taking too many anti-depressants and too much brandy - the house maid was able to tell me that sir John had been a patient of a physiotherapist in Epping - Dr Nancy Del'lollipopo. She - the house maid - had made his appointments for him.
"Now we have a link." I announced to my two trusty sidekicks."Sir John and Knightly both attended the same physiotherapist regarding their leg injuries. Then both those men change overnight, in to a pair of mincers. That's stretching coincidence a little too far."
"What about this other fellow," said Gambit "Hardman in Hungary and Turkey. Did he go to a physiotherapist in Epping ?"
"No Mike," said Purdey "But maybe he was 'pooferised' in Hungary almost as a test, an experiment."
"Yes," I said "Then the weapon or drug or whatever was smuggled in to Britain. I suspect that the extortion attempt was quite genuine, at first, Hungary would love all that nice, hard UK currency but maybe the Russians got wind of it and ordered it to be used rather than just a threat."
"Even at that," said Gambit "They're probably still experimenting - after all sir John Thomas and this Roger Knightly turning queer isn't exactly going to bring down the country."
"Tragic as it might be to their families," I said "I think you're quite right. I'm sure they're after bigger fish."
"You maybe ?" Said Purdey "Or maybe Gambit."
A shiver ran down my spine at the thought of falling victim to the 'pooferiser' but I laughed it off "I don't think that me being a homo would shake the Empire to its foundations." I said "Not the Prime Minister either, obviously, but someone high up I should think."
"Prince Charles ?" Suggested Gambit, "With his wedding coming up."
The thought chilled me to the marrow.
"Just a minute," said Purdey "This Polish physiotherapist in Epping - I wonder if she might not be a Romanian physiotherapist in fact."
"The first wife, the first Mrs Thomas." Said Gambit.
"Cherche la femme !" I said "French, look for the woman. Yes, I'll bet our Polish doctor is actually our Romanian ex-wife. Bitter about her husband, contacted and 'turned' by the Russians.
"Maybe you should book in for a bit of treatment, Mike," said Purdey "Do you still have trouble with that bullet wound in the Checkpoint Charlies ?"
"Well, there's still a scar." Said Gambit "I could claim that the pains flared up a bit."
"Have you really got a scar ?" Asked Purdey "I've never seen it."
"And nor will you," said Gambit "Not until Dr Del'lollipopo's had a look at it anyway."
Purdey drove Gambit to Epping and leaving his revolver and shoulder holster in the car, he limped in to the physiotherapy clinic in the High Street. An attractive woman in the reception area looked up from a magazine. She was in her 40s with dark olive skin, big brown eyes and moist pouting lips. Her black hair flowed down her back in a permed waterfall of shining, silky softness.
"I'd like a consultation with Dr Del'lollipopo please." Said Gambit.
"I am being Dr Del'lollipopo." Said the woman, her full lips parting to reveal perfect white teeth. Her accent was strong and south central European. "What is your problem ?"
"My problem ?" Asked Gambit, distracted.
"Most people who come to see me are having a problem of some sort." Said Del'lollipopo "A health problem, muscular, the kind of thing that I am treating."
"Well, there's a couple of things really." Said Gambit, his eyes glued to Doctor Del'lollipopo's ample cleavage behind her crisp white coat.
"A couple of things ?" She queried.
"Er, yes, no, just one thing." Said Gambit "It's my leg. I suffered an injury a few years ago. The pain flares up now and then."
"I see." Said Del'lollipopo pointing to a doorway "Please go in to my consultation room."
While this was happening, Purdey had worked her way round to the back of the row of shops and identified which rear entrance belonged to Del'lollipopo. She walked across the yard and pressed herself against the wall beside a rear window. She peeked in. This window was the consulting room and Purdey saw Del'lollipopo and Gambit walk in. The voluptuous doctor relieved Gambit of his jacket and he began to remove his trousers and shirt.
"Please to be lying down on my couch." Said Del'lollipopo and Gambit obliged. She pulled on a pair of blue latex gloves "Ah," she said "There is old scar here. Looks like a fairly serious wound. Some damage to the muscle tissue."
Purdey continued peeking in the window "Well, well," she said to herself "So that's where Gambit's famous 'Checkpoint Charlies' are."
"Yes," said Gambit "That's just where I've been having trouble recently ... oh !"
"Is painful there ?"
"Yes."
"Here ?"
"Yes."
"Here ?"
"Aargh !"
"Yes, I was thinking so. What do you do for a living, Mr Gambit ?"
"Nothing too stressful, civil service."
"Your muscle tone is suggesting more than a desk job."
"I play squash."
"I see." Said Doctor Del'lollipopo - she approached the desk that was near the window and Purdey - praying that she wouldn't be spotted watched as Del'lollipopo pressed a concealed bell-push on the desk while, at the same time, picking up a hypodermic syringe. Purdey heard a soft buzzing sound in a room on the other side of the back door from the consulting room. She stepped quietly across and saw two hulking heavies in the room rise from chairs, tool up with coshes and head out in to the corridor between that room and the consulting room.
Purdey crouched down at the back door and looked through the keyhole. She could see the two heavies standing at the door of the consulting room, ears pressed against it to hear the slightest sound.
"I will be giving you a localised analgesic to be soothing the muscle pain." She said.
"If it's all the same to you," said Gambit "I'm afraid of needles."
"Nothing to be afraid of."
"I came here on the recommendation of one of my colleagues," said Gambit "Sir John Thomas." He looked hard at Del'lollipopo for a reaction but got none - "Roger Knightly swears by you as well."
"I am not knowing either name."
Then two heavies burst in to the room and laid in to Gambit. Mike put up a decent struggle but when two men attack one man - the two men always win. Only in silly action films is it to the contrary. While Mike was putting up his struggle - futile as it was - Purdey was desperately trying to gain ingress to the building. First, she tried the door - locked. Next the window to the consulting room - it was a sash type window and was either securely locked or sealed shut with multiple layers of paint. In either case it was immovable and Purdey helplessly watched the fist fight inside the room for a few seconds. Neither Del'lollipopo, her musclebound assistants or Mike Gambit saw her at the window so wild was the struggle. Then she moved on to the second window - again locked or somehow unshiftable. She needed a tool, a weapon, some sort of heavy object to break the window but the back yard was bare. Next she decided to tackle the door - a shoulder charge was every bit as ineffective as Purdey had known it would be before she even tried. The door, however, was the type composed of four panels set in to a strong wooden frame. Purdey swung a 'kung fu' kick at the upper left panel and it split open easily. She reached in to try and unlock the door from inside but there was no key. She launched another attack on the lower panel - assuming that she could crawl in through that one - but her foot became stuck in the panel and she fell over backwards hitting her head on the ground. Everything went black.
When Purdey regained consciousness, she was slumped in a chair inside the clinic.
"You are regaining consciousness," said Doctor Del'lollipopo "This is very good." The two heavies were in the room as well but there was no sign of Gambit.
"What have you done to Mike Gambit ?" Asked Purdey but Doctor Del'lollipopo just sneered.
"It's Purdey, isn't it ?" She asked but Purdey made no answer.
"Wherever Mike Gambit is, Purdey will follow." Continued Del'lollipopo "I recognised him the moment he came in. His face is well known to our side. When I saw the bullet wound, I was certain. The bullet wound he suffered near the Checkpoint Charlies is famous. Bring her through."
The two heavies pulled Purdey brusquely from the chair and in to the consulting room. Gambit was lying on the couch - this time, though, his right wrist was handcuffed to it and he was unable to escape or resist. He was wearing a dressing gown.
Purdey smiled weakly -"Hello Mike." She said.
"I'd like to say 'just in the nick of time' but ..." he indicated the handcuffs.
"Sorry about that - had an argument with the door. It won."
"Shut up, you two." Snapped Del'lollipopo "Get the pooferiser." She said to one of her brutish henchmen.
"Not the pooferiser !" Gasped Purdey "You can't, you mustn't."
The henchman lifted up a weapon that looked every inch like a futuristic ray gun.
"Use it on him," said Del'lollipopo "We'll dump him on Hampstead Heath on the way to the airport. The game is being up for us here."
"Purdey," said Mike in a voice betraying not one iota of the panic he was feeling "If it works, shoot me, that's all I ask."
"I've already made that promise to Steed." Assured Purdey as the trigger was pulled on the pooferiser and Mike Gambit was engulfed in a pink cloud of flickering light. What happened next can best be described in the words that Purdey used on reporting the matter back to me - "Mike Gambit changed and started camping it up something awful."
Purdey wept as Gambit transformed in seconds in to a camp, limp wristed pansy. One of the heavies unlocked the handcuffs and released him.
"Oh that's better. My hand was turning blue there." Said Gambit but the heavy ignored him "Strong and silent type, eh ?" Asked Gambit "Ooh, just look at those muscles."
The other heavy took hold of Gambit's arm and said "Come with me."
"I thought you'd never ask, butch." Said Gambit "Your place or mine ?"
"Pathetic, isn't it ?" Gloated Del'lollipopo - Purdey was too upset to even speak and was handcuffed to the couch in place of Gambit. The evil Doctor Del'lollipopo, her henchmen and Mike Gambit exited quickly.
Equally quickly, Purdey slipped a hairpin from her sleeve and began working on the lock of the handcuffs - this evil gang had inflicted a fate worse than death on Mike Gambit and they weren't going to get away with it.
Outside, in the High Street, Gambit was pushed in to the back of a car.
"You two, get in beside him." Ordered Del'lollipopo. The two heavies were understandably reluctant but obeyed their instructions.
"Just you watch it, that's all." One of them snarled at Gambit.
"Keep your decadent hands to yourself." Growled the other.
Del'lollipopo got in to the driver's seat and started up the car but as she tried to pull out her way was blocked by ... a dark green supercharged Bentley sportster driven by a rakish looking, smartly dressed man in a suit and bowler hat - yours truly of course. Flatteringly I was recognised at once as I heard Del'lollipopo shout "It is John Steed. Pooferise him !"
The last two words concerned me somewhat, particularly when some huge yobbo exited the back of the car with some sort of ray gun affair in his hands and pointed it at me. I put up my umbrella in a rather desperate attempt to diffuse the effect of the monstrous weapon whose powers I had already seen demonstrated in all their horrifying potency. Whether the umbrella would have worked or not, I will never know because at that instant, Purdey appeared at something of a gallop from the doorway of one of the shops. A couple of karate chops from her and a few blows from the handle of my brolly sent Del'lollipopo and her two henchman fleeing up the High Street - on foot,of course as I had blocked their car in with my Bentley - didn't get a scratch either, thank goodness.
"I've got my car here," said Purdey dashing across the street "Check Gambit, he needs help."
Purdey roared away in her own little sportster and, as she did so, Mike Gambit stepped out of Del'lollipopo's vehicle. One glance at him was enough to confirm my worst fears - pooferised !
"Mike." I said "Come with me." I took him by the arm and led him to my car.
"I don't usually accept lifts from strange men," said Gambit then laughed "I'm only joking, of course, especially one as handsome as you. I love that bowler hat, so distinguished."
A short way out of the town and Del'lollipopo and her henchmen had been run to ground by Purdey and the three villains had taken shelter in a farmhouse. They threatened to pooferise anyone who came near and demanded a helicopter or they would pooferise the farm owner. In any siege situation, it's always best to strike as soon as possible before both sides became entrenched - also, I had a plan. It was a desperate plan and one that I chose to implement with more hope than confidence. I told Gambit that there were a couple of big hunky men in the farmhouse who were absolutely 'gagging' for a handsome, young fellow like him.
"Oh, lead me to them." Said Gambit and I pointed over to the farmhouse -
"They're right over there, Mike." I said.
Gambit dashed up the driveway straight to the farmhouse. Halfway, a voice shouted from the window -
"Keep back or you'll regret it. Well pooferise you."
Gambit kept going and as he reached the door of the farmhouse, the weapon was pointed out of the window and fired. Gambit was engulfed in a flickering, pink ray and collapsed.
Purdey and I watched as Gambit lay quite still for a moment at the front door, then he stirred a little, sat up, looked around. He glanced over at us and gave the thumbs up.
"He's recovered." Said Purdey.
"I hoped that the second dose of pooferiser would de-pooferise him." I said "I think it's worked."
Purdey made her way round to the side of the house and a moment later Gambit launched himself through the window and began pulverising the two henchmen - who were completely taken by surprise. I rushed in and helped subdue them while Purdey karate chopped the living daylights out of Doctor Del'lollipopo. All resistance was overcome in a matter of seconds and I checked that the farmer and his family were safe.
I lifted up the pooferiser weapon.
"We can use this to cure Sir John, Knightly and Hardman." I said "Then destroy it. A weapon of this power has no place in civilised warfare."
Within a few hours, the victims of the evil pooferiser had been restored to normal and it was champagne all round back at headquarters. If only all the problems in the world could be solved in 55 minutes flat !