Day 62. Some month, day 2. 9:41

Most mages start with fire. And so I built fire. It wouldn't bring back those lost, but it would burn. I looked at it. I wanted it to burn forever. Still kneeling in the snow, I TWISTED the funeral pyre. I knew veilfire was the memory of fire, and now each moment the fire burned would add to that memory. I tilted my head, still LOOKING. Reaching into the glowy mist of the fire, I spun the glow into a thin strand. I thought of my people, the ones I lost, and tied those memories to this place. Another strand, and another. One for each. If this fire ever went out, then a touch would reactivate its memory, and my lost people won't be forgotten. If I'd done it right. I opened my eyes, and purple glints began to mix with the red flames. The sound had changed, as well. It almost sounded like someone crying mixed with the crackle of the wood.

I heard a breath suck in behind me. I turned. Garalen and Eadras stood there, eyes wide. I tried my voice, wanting to say I'm sorry. All that came out was a hoarse croak. More of my people came up. Elias, Feren. Jailyn, Leorah. They were all looking at me, staring. Were they mad? They had every right to be. I tried speaking again, and it sounded awful, but the words came. "I'm sorry."

Leorah moved first. I flinched as she lifted her hand to my shorn hair. "Oh, honey," she said. "Why are you sorry?"

"Tanya. Davhalla. Hannah. Chris. More," I croaked. I guess I'd screamed myself hoarse. I turned back to the fire. It was nearly evenly split, purple and orange, as the physical fuel was consumed.

"So many live, Ethelathun. Can you not focus on us? We need you now," she said.

I sighed. They needed me. I couldn't sit here and die. You can never die when you want to. I stood, stumbling. They led me down toward the camp. I looked back at the fire. I wanted it to BURN, to scream to the sky that people had been loved here. If I had my way, it would burn forever.

They hovered around me, not touching me. A few looked scared, but they didn't seem scared of me. I thought of what I knew of the game. Our losses were small, he'd said. Were our losses small now? Had I made things better or worse? I'd lost a sixth of mine. How many had been lost in all? I needed to find out. "How many?" I croaked.

"How many are left?" asked Eadras. I shook my head. "How many did we lose?" No again. I gestured at the humans. "How many of them were lost, or remain?" I nodded. "They're still counting, but they think maybe one in five is missing. We fared better, Da'len. They had thought they'd lose half, so they're pleased."

A glass of something appeared in my hand. Wine. I almost laughed. It had basically no alcohol in it. I wanted to be drunk, and I'd fixed it so I couldn't get that way. Someone tried to put a blanket on me, but I shrugged it off. I wasn't cold. I turned to them. "Rest," I croaked. "Tomorrow… Long."

They left me alone. Most bowed or curtsied while they left. I was going to have to put a stop to that. I stood, needing to walk. I'd gone about three steps when an arm appeared to my left. I looked up into a pair of grey eyes. His mustache twitched. "Care for a stroll, Chrissy?"

We walked, and he talked. "I've only been here for 3 days, and on each of those days you have surprised me. Don't get me wrong, Lord Trevelyan is a compelling man, but you, you seem to have a finger in everything. Am I wrong?" I shrugged. "Many people are wondering how packed wagons ended up in the horse fields. I seem to recall someone asking her attendants if the wagons were packed. So I have a question. Are you a seer?"

"Define Seer." I croaked.

"Oh dear, that will never do. Let's get you to some help." I stopped walking. "I promise you, you will not be taking resources from people who need them. I was thinking only of honey lemon tea. I assume I am correct about your hesitation?" I started walking again. "You know, my dear. Haven already has enough Martyrs. We really don't need one more. I have a feeling the reason the inquisition is in such good shape is at least partially because of you. Yes, yes. Soldiers, fighting, pointy swords. Terribly bloody." He must have noticed my look.

"I'm speaking of food and clothing. Someone even packed my favorite tea. Here we are." He ushered me into a chair in front of a small fire. He performed the familiar rituals with flair. "And just a dollop of honey on the spoon. Take a sip. It will help." How could anyone resist him? He actually managed to coax a small smile for a moment. "I didn't have the time to form the attachments you obviously did. But if you need to cry, then I am quite used to holding you by now. Your people seem afraid you'll break if they touch you." He put a warm hand on my shoulder. "Your skin is ice. Where is your jacket?"

I shrugged. My voice was smoother this time, though still hoarse. Probably from the tea. "A child was cold."

He sighed. "You, Chrysopal, are a treasure. We shall have to be careful you aren't stolen from us." He looked up. "I see your guard has arrived. Don't worry, Ser. I wouldn't harm her."

I looked up. Elias was standing there. He looked worried. "The Ambassador would like to speak with you. At your convenience, she said."

"Might I suggest a change of clothes? You still have bits of whatever was on the floor of the temple gracing your leggings. And it appears I'm not the only one to think so." Trust him to worry about clothes.

Leorah trundled up with an armful of fabric. "Ser mage, would you mind if we borrowed your tent a moment?"

"Be my guest."

She helped me into my turquoise tunic, cream leggings, and leather vest. "Your hair, Chrissy."

"It stays." My voice was stronger, but still hoarse.

"You could…"

"I won't."

"Of course." Her face fell.

I held out my hand. "I'm sorry. That was rude."

"It's okay."

"It's not." I gave her a gentle hug. "I'm heart-sore. I'll recover."

"We loved them, too."

Dressing didn't take long, and I bid Dorian farewell. Elias walked next to me as he led me to where Josephine had her things set up. She was happy to see me, speaking of how glad she was to see so many survive. "The children," she said, "were all safe. We saw the elves take them into the Chantry. Thank you for that."

"That was Philomena and Marta. You should thank them."

"Did you know, Chrissy?" She asked it gently.

"No. Not for certain. So many possibilities. There were so many threads to keep track of, and I could have been wrong. It depended on Sam, and his choices. He is a fulcrum upon which the world turns."

"Are you a Seer?" Why does everyone ask me that?

"I Saw once, you could say. It was a game, and every choice the Herald made, something different happened. I watched many of those choices, but certainly not all. And things are different than they were. I've not Seen since." Truth. I gave her truth. Not the whole truth, but enough. The truth was, in some ways, a lie. But I knew it was a good decision when I saw the Nightingale step out of the shadows.

"The things you say still sound implausible, but you are either the best liar I've ever seen or speaking the truth." Leliana speaks so thoughtfully, sometimes.

"I'm hoping you won't resort to torture, but I've been expecting it. I can't say more, really. What if I change something that shouldn't be changed? What if I'm wrong? I can't predict his choices, and everything hinges on them. When the soldiers appeared in the hills, I knew for certain that fire in the sky was coming. If they'd not appeared, nothing was lost, but Ethelathe could have been hit by our human people, disgruntled and wanting to hurt. And no, I'm not sure where we go from here. There are many possibilities. Some are more likely than others. If I tell you, I may make a less desirable outcome more likely. The choices branch out so far, I can't keep track. And I worry that my memory of a long ago game is faulty. Plus, some of the important choices belong to you. And the Ambassador. All of you. Your choices will affect his choices. I can't remember them all." I swallowed. My throat hurt.

"Are you Rivaini?"

"No. I'm from Virginia. I've told you this."

She settled her shoulders, crossing her arms. "A Seer. Focused on a moment. That explains much."

"I was a Seer, in a way, I suppose. Long ago and far away. I Saw only once, and now I just remember. May I go?"

"You fear me."

"You consider killing me on a regular basis."

"Not for a while. You have value here, Chrysopal. Ethelathun. I'll not toss it away because of a Vision you can't explain." Her eyes got far away. "I once had a Vision of my own. I understand better than you think." Something in me eased at that, and I nodded. "Get some rest. You've done good for us, and we don't forget." Her voice was much kinder. A trick? I didn't know.

Josie walked out of the tent with me. "I'm sorry for the deception. We had to know. You do understand?"

I smiled at her. "I was expecting it. Don't worry."

Elias was waiting outside, eyes wide. He swept a bow to me, and took up position beside me. "Don't pull that crap, Elias. I'm no different than I was a month ago when you were wondering if there was something wrong with me."

He grinned. "I've always known there was something wrong with you. You're not like anyone I've ever met." I sighed, and we walked off.

He found me a cot among our people, and insisted I lay down. "Rest, my Lady. Let us handle things for now." My go bag was next to the cot. He left, and I decided to write this. I'm putting it away shortly. Tomorrow will be a new day.