1.
He could remember the nimble and soft muzzle running through his deep brown fur. It had smelt like bark and snow; the first things he had ever smelled when he was born. His mother licked the blood off him affectionately, and he knew that, at that time, he felt safe. Safe, warm, happy.
That was until- the Bully came.
Chopper didn't know exactly what happened at that time; he was a young calf at that time, barely a few months. It was cold, but his mother was there, and that was all that mattered.
Then one day, the alpha died. Chopper barely knew the alpha, but he remembered him as a kind, gentle but fierce protector of his reindeer herd, and saw the alpha nuzzle his mother a few times, affectionately.
Bully was different. Chopper could still hear the ringing in his ears when they clashed antlers for the rights of the herd, while his mother looked on fearfully. What he saw next would never be erased from his mind.
Alpha died. Bully became his new alpha. One by one, the reindeer in his heard bowed their heads to Bully, and Chopper did the same, his instinct screaming at him to do so.
He thought that Bully would be like alpha, kind and caring, until Bully shoved his antler into his flank, ripping it. Chopper saw his mother cry out, and felt his tears, warm and moist, get squeezed out of is eyelids as the stinging pain in his flank increased with time.
The both of them, Bully and his mother, would then fight. He knew it would happen, he had seen a couple of other reindeer do something like that too. But he didn't want to see it, he didn't want to see his mother, bleeding, at the side of the path, the vultures already landing close to eat her when she died.
But he forced himself to watch, because his mother had told him to be strong. Those words, were also her dying words.
His herd treated him like an outsider after that, their irritated grunts and sharp pushes with their antlers giving it away when he came close to them.
He remembered questioning himself; What had he done wrong?
Crying softly, he knew the answer all along. It had always been his appearance, hadn't it?
2.
He braved the sharp sting of hail raining down onto him, trudging in the thick, deep snow. He would see the humans, he thought determinedly, he would see them. If the herd didn't want him, maybe, just maybe, the humans would want him.
Chopper's footsteps left a trail of footprints on the white snow, and it gradually stopped, when he arrived at the small village.
A tiny flame lit in his heart- Hope. Hope for someone accepting him.
He walked closer, and marveled upon the village, and its houses. He had never seen something so orderly, so peaceful before. His herd was always treating him like an enemy.
Suddenly, he stopped. The humans were eyeing him, it must be wonder and warmth! He joyously thought as he came closer. They were welcoming him inside!
He squeaked, a small noise made at the back of his throat.
It was only until then, did he realise that the people were screaming in fear, shouting in anger. Not at all welcoming him.
He squeaked again, grunted, trying to convey to them his meaning of coming to them. He wanted to join them, not to harm them. It didn't work. They held up long sticks, and a tiny, metal pellet was shot into his chest.
As more metal pellets were shot into him, Chopper could feel his dismay grow into desperation and sorrow. Did no one actually want him?
He remembered, he felt a brief pang of pain shoot into his heart, before he awoke, at another human's home.
3.
Chopper remember his name being given to him by the Doctor very familiarly. It was the first time, that anyone actually liked him genuinely, that they accepted him. He remembers feeling warm inside, a tingle in his body, a small pit of fire in his stomach that made his feel so comfortable, so safe.
It had been a long time since he felt that.
Chopper buried his face into an old shirt of Doctor's, not wanting to let him see him crying. He finally did it, he had someone.
The days spent with Doctor were fun, pranking the people in the village, turning them into frogs, going on herb-gathering trips, learning about different kind of medicines- it was bliss for Chopper, who had never been accepted by anyone else other than his mother.
Medical knowledge was like candy floss to him; sweet, and addictive. The memorization of the herbs and the medicines came naturally to him; Doctor always praised him for that.
He loved the sharp tang of herbs, how the clinic looked so clean and hygienic, how the patients would thank Doctor when he actually did help them and not turn them into frogs. He loved the smiles, he loved the metallic gleam of the tool, he loved the sterile smell of it. It became his haven, a place where he could quietly rest in, or read a book undisturbed by anything else.
Chopper loved another thing. His sakura-coloured hat, given to him by Doctor was one of the most treasured things he had, it was Doctor's legacy, promise, and oath to help people in need.
Doctor often told him about how helping people freed Doctor's soul; it helped him and gave him freedom from the sneers and jeers towards an outlaw. Chopper had remembered that night when Doctor told him about the pirate skull, the lasting impression of the jolly roger imprinted deeply into his mind.
Then Doctor became sick. Chopper had thought that, at one point, whenever things were going well, or that there was something, just something, for him to look forward to, it had to be cruelly taken away from him.
He begun to think that he was bad luck, that he would harm everyone around him. Bit by bit, his heart started to close up, hiding its large, bleeding wound from everyone. It became larger when Doctor rejected him. He didn't care; because he realized that Doctor was only just protecting him, that the Doctor would die, and everything would be a dark, grey place for him again.
He was determined to help Doctor, despite his gaping heart and the prospect of hurting it more. Doctor mattered the most to him, he couldn't let Doctor leave him. He found the mushroom; the one with that had surely meant freedom, that would definitely save Doctor. He braved the dangers, trudging through cold snow, braving his old herd, to get that mushroom.
And then it ended.
Doctor died, because of him. Doctor had protected him to the very end.
Doctor ate the mushroom when Chopper gave it to him, the smile on his face was tired, but it was the brightest, more sincere smile he had seen for a long, long time.
Doctor drank all of the soup with the mushroom, and refused to give Chopper some, just so to protect him. The mushroom was a lethal dose of poison, and he unwittingly gave it to Doctor, believing that it could help him.
Chopper wanted to help him after that, he hadn't known that Doctor was poisoned. Doctor blew himself up at the Wapol Kingdom's castle, and Chopper arrived just in time to see it.
He had made Doctor sacrifice so much, and did the very thing that Doctor didn't want him to do. He saw Doctor die with his very own eyes, and instantly, the anger crashed upon him. He attacked the forces there, in a blind fit of anger. It didn't assuage the guilt, the anger, it did nothing at all. Throughout the whole battle, only one thing flashed through his mind.
He had killed Doctor.
4.
Chopper was broken, for a long time.
He had killed Doctor.
Doctorine tried her very best to help him get out of the dark abyss, trying so hard, to just, just get him out of there. In the end, Chopper clawed his way out, barely, through obsessing over medical information.
Doctor wouldn't have died if he was better, he would have still been there, with his Sakura.
Chopper grit his teeth, and buried himself in the book again. If Chopper became the best doctor, no one would ever have to worry again. No one would have to die again, just like Doctor. He reached out, and touched his hat with a paw.
Chopper could feel droplets of salty tears gather in his eyes, as he felt his hat, Doctor's legacy and promise, tilt crookedly. He pulled it down onto his eyes, and quietly sobbed.
He was all alone again.
5.
Doctorine was watching him out of her eye, feeling her face go expressionless. Chopper carefully finished the surgery for her as she rested in a corner, putting her legs up onto the table and smoking a joint. He was growing- developing into one of the most talented doctors she had ever seen and met.
But she knew that under those careful eyes of his, Chopper hid a deep and dark fear; and sadness.
She knew that he was hiding it to the best of his ability, and wondered about what she could possibly do for him that would help alleviate his burden. Whatever she had thought of, she had done.
Doctorine decided that she would do something, to protect Hiruluk's legacy, and his son.
What she had to do, she didn't know.
6.
Chopper felt his heart constrict tightly, when he met Luffy. This man in front of him offered him a place in his crew, a place where he would be surrounded by people, that could let him fulfill his dream.
Doctor had told him about pirates once; There were good ones, and there were evil ones. This grinning man didn't seem to belong in either category- He was an abstract person to Chopper.
Chopper refused.
His heart would get torn up again, first losing his herd, then losing Doctor. He would feel the hollow feeling inside his body again, the feeling he hated so much, to the very core of his body.
He was a monster, one that was hated, one that was feared, it wouldn't change in Luffy's crew.
Luffy would deny, but he knew that they would be like that in the end. Chopper ran away, sitting on a tundra and crying softly to himself. He could continue Doctor's legacy, fulfill his dream, but he knew that he was still a monster.
Then Wapol came back. Wapol, the despicable person, the person Chopper hated, came, as if nothing, nothing, had happened.
And then the anger came back. The anger, simmering, boiling, brewing in the pit of his stomach, in his heart, was unleashed. He attacked like he hadn't attacked in years, screaming, thrashing, kicking.
He realized than, that the grief from Doctor's death wouldn't go away. It would remain inside him, changing his entire person.
And then he made his decision.
7.
He had a herd now- A new herd.
It wasn't cold and unforgiving like his first one.
It wasn't unfriendly and scathing like the Human's one.
It was happy, cheerful, quacky. A place where Chopper could belong, where he could realise his dream and sail away.
Doctor
Would have been happy,
He was happy too.