I don't own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe characters. Well I was watching an old G.I. Joe episode called 'Eau de Cobra' about a love potion Cobra creates. It gave me ideas. Fun ideas.
Eau de Avalanche
The insanity started one day at the Pit. Lance was assigned to help clean the GI Joe Chemistry Lab. Airtight, the chemical weapons specialist was directing him. "Set those boxes over there," He directed the young mutant.
"Okay, man what's in this stuff? Rocks?" Lance breathed as he put the box down.
"Not exactly," Shipwreck walked in with his daughter Althea and his parrot Polly. "Just a few thing lying around. Like this old tablet." He took out a large carved chunk of tablet with Egyptian hieroglyphics.
"Hey I recognize that!" Airtight remarked. "That's the tablet that was stolen from the British museum years ago! The one that Cobra used to make that love potion in order to trap that shipping tycoon!"
"That's the one," Shipwreck nodded.
"But I thought it was at the bottom of Pirates' Cove?" Airtight asked.
"Well it was…" Shipwreck scratched his head. "But I kinda retrieved it."
"You went back and got it and ya didn't tell anyone after all these years?" Althea snapped.
"AWK!" Polly squawked. "Shipwreck's a crook!"
"Shut up bird," Shipwreck snapped. "I was gonna tell you about it, I just forgot!"
"Likely story," Althea glared.
"I did!" Shipwreck protested.
"Wait a minute," Lance blinked. "You saying Cobra actually made a love potion that worked?"
"Oh yes," Airtight nodded. "It made any man fall in love with any woman who wore it. The effects were short lived but it was rather successful. It was based on an ancient Egyptian recipe."
"Wow," Lance looked at the tablet. "I knew you guys had seen some weird stuff over the years, but this is freaky."
"Not as freaky as Hawk's gonna be when he finds out what you did Pop!" Althea grabbed her father by the ear and dragged him out.
"Hey watch it kid!" Shipwreck shouted. "Calm down!"
"Awk! Shipwreck's off to the brig!" Polly sang.
"Shut up bird!" Shipwreck shouted as he was dragged away.
"Interesting," Airtight looked at it. "According to the directions by substituting the ingredient jackals' bane for blossom weed it could be used in reverse. A love potion for men that would make any woman who smelled it irresistibly attracted to whoever wore it."
"What?" Lance blinked. "You can read that?"
"Oh yes," Airtight nodded. "It's one of my hobbies. Now watch this young Avalanche and maybe you might learn something." He showed Lance what the different symbols meant and wrote down the formula on a piece of paper. "And that concludes today's archeology lesson. Which reminds me, I have to check and see how my latest batch of scorpion eggs are coming along."
"Scorpion eggs?" Lance gulped.
"Another one of my hobbies," Airtight told him. "Do you want to come along? It's a fascinating subject!"
"Uh…no thanks," Lance waved off. "I think I'll finish up here if you don't mind."
"Suit yourself," Airtight shrugged and left the room.
Lance looked at the tablet and the translations. "Love potion eh," He stroked his chin in thought. "That gives me an idea…"
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"Lance, Spirit ain't gonna like you messing around with his herbs and stuff," Todd warned. They were in Spirit's workshop; a room set aside for Spirit's medicinal herbs and Native American artifacts.
"It's for a good cause," Lance said. "And he is trying to teach me how these herbs work anyway. Think of it as extra credit."
"I don't know Lance, if you ask me you're asking for trouble," Todd shook his head.
"Well I didn't ask you!" Lance snapped. "And don't you squeal on me!"
"Don't worry," Todd remarked. "I won't. It'll be a lot more fun watching you screw up this plan!"
"This plan ain't gonna get screwed up so don't worry!" Lance looked around. "Now where is that blossom weed? Here it is! This is gonna be a piece of cake!"
"I know that look," Todd shook his head as Lance grinned wildly. "Every time you get that look trouble happens. It's the same look you had right before the soccer game incident."
"Well this time things are going to turn out a lot better!" Lance told him as he mixed the potion.
"Really? You know the real reason you're named Avalanche?" Todd told him. "It's that both of you are natural disasters!"
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Not long after Lance used the teleportation device to take him to the X-Mansion. However, he wasn't alone. "You know Lance you really should have told somebody we were leaving," Fred said.
"He did," Pietro grinned. "He told us."
"Big mistake! You know nobody asked you to come," Lance snapped as they made their way through the halls.
"Oh we wouldn't miss this for the world," Pietro grinned. "I even brought a camera. Don't worry, we won't blab your secret."
"We just wanna watch the fun," Fred grinned.
"Look just stay outta my way, all right?" Lance took out a vial and sprayed himself with the potion. "Just back off!"
"That's supposed to make Kitty fall in love with you?" Pietro wrinkled his nose.
"Bleach!" Fred made a face.
"Hey it's supposed to work on girls so…" Lance began.
"Lance what are you doing here?" Jean stood in a doorway.
"Hey Red, is Kitty around?" Lance asked.
"No she went off with Logan for a driving lesson just a few minutes ago," Jean told him.
"It figures," Pietro snickered.
"Fine I'll just wait for her to come back," Lance pouted.
"Yeah this is Kitty driving," Pietro quipped. "It won't take that long until the cops throw her off the road anyway."
"I don't know why you keep coming around here," Jean folded her arms. "It's obvious that Kitty doesn't really care about you. I mean what kind of girl leads on a guy like that?"
"Not one word you two," Lance said quickly.
"Lance we both know Kitty's just too…immature," She walked up to Lance and gave him a coy look. "She doesn't appreciate a guy the way I do."
"What?" Lance.
"Face it Lance," She put her arms around him. "It's time you stopped fawning over Kitty and set your sights on someone your own age."
"Uh…Jean?" Lance backed away. "Wait a minute…I think you're confused here."
"Well at least we know this stuff works," Fred whispered to Pietro.
"And cue camera," Pietro whipped out the camera. "Action!"
"You know I hate to admit it but I was always a little jealous of Kitty," Jean purred. "I mean I can see the attraction. Any girl would think herself lucky for a guy like you."
"Uh thanks Red, I'm very flattered," Lance backed away. "But as you can see…"
"Oh there's no need to deny your feelings," Jean put her arms around him and stroked his hair. "I'm a telepath. I can sense your desires…your deepest…darkest thoughts."
"Three guesses what Lance is thinking right now?" Pietro snickered.
"Jean wait a minute," Lance disentangled himself from her. "Now let's be rational, I mean you're going out with Summers and…"
"Oh don't talk about Mr. Personality!" Jean rolled her eyes. "He's so rigid and controlled. Not like you! I want to be like you Lance! Wild and free!"
"Guys…a little help here?" Lance gulped as Jean embraced him again.
"Oh no," Fred grinned. "You told us to back off and stay out of your way, remember?"
"That he did Freddy," Pietro grinned. "That he did."
"Teach me to be like you my darling!" Jean embraced him. "Teach me to be wild and free!" She passionately kissed him on the lips.
"Oh I think Lance is learning a lot more than he could ever teach you!" Pietro guffawed.
"I think you should have waited until you were sure Kitty was around before you put that stuff on Lance," Fred remarked.
"Ya think Freddy?" Lance shouted as Jean kissed him. "This is a disaster!"
"ALVERS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Scott shouted as he walked into the room.
"No now it's a disaster," Pietro snickered. "Oh this is gonna be good!"
"Take your hands off Jean!" Scott shoved Lance into the wall. "What do you…? Huh?" He yelled as he was telekinetically lifted into the air and thrown against the wall.
"Some guys just can't take a hint!" Jean huffed.
"Looks like Summers got dumped," Pietro grinned. "Literally!"
"What's going on here?" Kurt walked in through the doorway by Lance. "What's all the racket?"
"That's what I'm trying to find out!" Scott brushed himself off and stood up. "Alvers what are you doing kissing Jean?"
"Kissing Jean?" Kurt looked at him.
"She was kissing me!" Lance groaned. "It's kind of an accident," He fished out the potion in his hand.
"Look I don't know what your game is…" Kurt shoved Lance. However during the shove Lance accidentally released the valve on the vial containing the potion.
"Cut it out Fuzzball!" Lance snapped.
"Hey watch it!" Kurt gasped as some potion spilled onto him. "Eww! What is this stuff? You got it all in my fur!"
"It's uh…something I got for Kitty," Lance gulped.
"Well it stinks!" Kurt grumbled. "And Amanda's going to be here any minute!"
"What do you mean for Kitty?" Scott said. "A minute ago you were all over Jean!"
"No I wasn't she was all over me!" Lance snapped. "I think she's sick or something."
"Yeah I'm sick!" Jean whirled on Scott. "Sick of you and all your boring rules!"
"Jean what's gotten into you?" Kurt asked going up to her, shoving Lance aside.
"I just want to break loose and be free!" Jean said. "I want to have some fun and enjoy life!" A strange look came over her eyes. "I want to be happy! To love and be loved!" She turned and looked at Kurt. "To feel your soft fur against me!" She gave him a passionate kiss.
"WHAT THE…?" Scott's jaw dropped.
"I've heard of chicks digging the fuzzy dude but this is ridiculous!" Kurt gulped.
"What is it with you Jean?" Scott snapped. "First Lance and now Kurt?"
"Yeah she's real fickle isn't she?" Fred grinned.
"What's all the noise down here?" Rogue came down the stairs and saw the scene. "Jean? What the devil are you doing kissing my brother?"
"Hi Rogue! We're dating now!" Jean waved ecstatically. "Just think if we get married, we'll be in laws!"
"Will somebody tell me what's going on here?" Rogue snapped.
"Ask Avalanche!" Scott snapped. "It all started with him. First Jean was kissing him now Kurt!"
"Hey you can't blame Lance for Jean's weird tastes!" Pietro grinned.
"Yeah we think she might be having a nervous breakdown or something," Fred grinned.
"I'm gonna break some bones if somebody doesn't stop Jean from smooching all over Kurt!" Rogue stormed towards Lance. "What's that in your hand?"
"Oh a present for Kitty," Lance gulped. "I think the valve is broken and it's leaking. Oh well I'd better go home and fix it." He made a move to leave.
"Just a second Rocky," Rogue grabbed him by the arm. She looked at him. "Hey have you been working out?"
"Well yeah," Lance blinked.
"It shows," Rogue got a strange look in her eye. "You know Lance, you are kind of cute. I always wondered what you saw in a ditz like Kitty when you can have a real woman like me."
"Oh no Rogue not you too!" Lance backed away. "You are definitely one person I do not want to kiss!"
"Okay how about just a date then?" Rogue started to follow him.
"What is going on?" Scott yelled.
"Hey what's all the racket in here?" Remy asked as he and Peter entered the room. "What are you doing here Avalanche?"
"He came to see me," Rogue purred.
"No I didn't!" Lance snapped. "I came to give Kitty a present."
"Is that it?" Peter saw the potion and grabbed it. "I'll give it to her!"
"Oh no you don't!" Lance grabbed it back. "HANDS OFF!"
"Hey let Remy see," Gambit grabbed at it. Soon all three of them were fighting over it. Lance won but not before Remy and Peter got sprayed.
Lance fell down with a whump on his backside. "OW!"
"Oh poor baby!" Rogue ran over to him. "Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"NO! NO!" Lance scooted away.
"Hey what is this stuff?" Remy gasped. "And Jean…why are you kissing Kurt? And…CHERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Rogue was helping Lance up, running her gloved hands all over his body. "I'm just helping my man!"
"Your man?" Remy growled. "Avalanche you got some explaining to do!"
"What makes you think I had something to do with it?" Lance asked as he tried to back away from Rogue.
"Because when trouble starts you always have something to do with it!" Scott snapped.
"Hey what's all the noise about?" Tabitha came in with Amara and Amanda. "Whoa! Jean! What's with you and Blue Boy?"
"Hi Amanda!" Jean waved cheerfully. "Kurt's my boyfriend now!"
"NO!" Kurt protested.
"KURT! WHAT'S GOING ON!" Amanda stood there next to Peter. She sniffed the air. "And what's that smell?"
"Amanda!" Kurt tried to struggle out of Jean's grasp. "It's not what you think!"
"Oh who cares," Amanda waved and looked at Peter. "I think I've found someone even nicer!"
"WHAT?" Kurt and Scott yelled.
"See Kurt it all worked out!" Jean said cheerfully. "Everybody's happy!"
"Not everybody!" Remy growled. "Remy is very unhappy!"
"Oh I can take care of that!" Tabitha grinned as she jumped into Remy's arms and kissed him.
"Hey Amanda stop that!" Amara said. "I want Peter for my boyfriend!"
"What the devil is going on here?" Remy dropped Tabitha. "What's gotten into the femmes?"
"That's what I'd like to know!" Scott snapped.
"Tabby…" Remy backed away. "Stay away!"
"Amara wait!" Peter backed off. "You too Amanda!"
"It's gotta be that stuff Lance sprayed on!" Kurt tried to fight off Jean. He escaped and teleported to the ceiling.
"Hey!" Jean looked up at him.
"About time you figured that out," Pietro snickered.
"What did you do Alvers?" Scott snapped. "What is that stuff?"
"Whatever it is it's driving the women crazy!" Remy tried to get Tabitha off him. "Down girl!"
"I should have known!" Scott groaned. "Give me that!" He swiped the potion.
"What are you gonna do with it?" Lance asked.
"This!" He squirted himself with it. "Now I can get Jean back!"
"Scott what is going on around…" Ororo entered the room through the door near Scott. "What's that smell?"
"Uh oh…" Scott gulped as Ororo looked at him.
"Here we go," Pietro grinned as Ororo started to stalk Scott.
"You know Scott," Ororo purred. "I've just realized what a handsome young man you've blossomed into."
"EVERYBODY RUN!" Scott shouted.
"For once Summers you have the right idea!" Lance shouted as most of the other boys ran with him.
"Come back darling!" Tabitha called after them.
"Sugar! Let mama make it all better!" Rogue called out.
"This is nuts," Kurt grumbled as he clung to the chandelier. He then had the feeling he was being followed. He looked behind him and saw Jean floating up next to him.
"Hi baby," Jean grinned. "Forget about me?"
"Excuse me, I think I must be going!" Kurt gulped as he teleported.
"You can run, but you can't hide my liebchien!" Jean sang out as she flew after him.
Fred and Pietro laughed at the spectacle. "Oh this is hilarious!" Fred slapped his knee.
"I knew it would backfire!" Pietro laughed. "Hey come on! Let's see what else they do!" They ran after them.
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"For the last time I'm sorry Logan," Kitty said as she and Logan returned to the mansion. "How was I supposed to know that cop car was there?"
"Half-Pint from now on…" Logan growled when he heard the sound of something breaking. "What the heck is that?"
"Let's find out!" They ran to the source of the noise, which was the back yard. "WHAT IN THE WORLD?"
It was a strange sight. Lance was running from Rogue. Tabitha had cornered Remy up a tree. Jean was all over Kurt kissing him. Ororo was using the wind to capture Scott and dragged him towards her. Amara and Amanda were both tugging on Peter's arms in a demented game of tug of war. "HE'S MINE!" Amanda shouted.
"NO HE'S MINE!" Amara started to flame up.
"YEOWWW!" Peter screamed. "THAT'S HOT!"
"Timber!" Tabitha laughed as she used her time bombs to fell the tree Remy was in.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Remy shouted as he fell and Tabitha tackled him.
"Jean! Please! Stop! No means No!" Kurt tried to escape her embrace.
"Why fight destiny?" Jean kissed him on the cheek.
"Exactly what I say!" Ororo clung onto Scott. "Oh you are so cute!"
"What the hell is all this?" Kitty blinked. She then saw Pietro and Fred. "Oh wait, the Misfits are here! That explains it!"
"All right!" Logan growled. "Why are all the girls acting nuts?"
"Don't worry, I have it all on tape," Pietro snickered as he videotaped everything. He and Fred were on the sidelines on beach chairs. Fred was happily munching on some popcorn.
"What the heck is going on around here?" Kitty yelled.
"Blame Avalanche!" Kurt snapped as he tried to get Jean off of him. "It's all his fault!"
"What did you do?" Logan grabbed Lance by the shirt as he tried to run away.
"PUT HIM DOWN WOLVERINE!" Rogue grabbed Logan and threw him into the pool. "NOBODY MESSES WITH MY MAN!"
"Your what?" Kitty shrieked.
"You heard me!" Rogue whirled on her. "He's mine!"
"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FLAMING HECK IS GOING ON HERE?" Logan snapped as he dragged himself out of the pool.
"I'm afraid I know what's going on," Spirit entered the area with Todd and Althea.
"Uh oh," Lance gulped.
"Yeah uh oh," Althea folded her arms. "You are so in trouble!"
"You blabbed everything to your girlfriend didn't you?" Lance snapped at Todd.
"I couldn't help it," Todd shrugged. "She used her feminine wiles on me!"
"I should have known you would try something like this!" Spirit glared at Lance. "What possessed you into fooling around with a love potion? Don't you know by now that potions like that are dangerous and are not to be trifled with?"
"Love potion?" Logan asked, dripping wet. "The Rock Tumbler cooked up a love potion?"
"How is that possible?" Scott asked trying to get Ororo off him. "He can't even cook canned soup!"
"It's a long story," Spirit sighed. "Fortunately Avalanche the potion you concocted wears off rather easily."
"Well it can't wear off soon enough!" Remy shouted as Tabitha tried to take off his shirt. "How do we speed it up?"
"All you need to do is splash whoever's affected with water," Spirit said.
"That's my cue!" Althea nodded. She used her powers to create a huge tidal wave out of the pool water. Soon everyone affected by the potion, both guys and girls were soaking wet.
"My hair!" Tabitha moaned.
"My makeup's running!" Rogue groaned. "What the heck was I doing? Was I really chasing Lance?"
"Storm could you let go of me now please," Scott moaned.
"Oh my…" Ororo inched away from Scott. "Oh my…Scott I apologize! I can't believe I did that!"
"You can't believe it!" Jean gagged. "I kissed both Kurt and Avalanche! I kissed Avalanche! Bleah!"
"What were we fighting about?" Amara asked.
"Oh I feel so stupid!" Amanda ran over to Kurt. "Kurt are you okay?"
"Yah, fine," Kurt coughed. "Is everyone back to normal? Or whatever passes for it?"
"I think so," Peter moaned.
"Remy thinks he broke something…" Remy moaned.
"I can't believe I actually kissed Avalanche!" Jean gagged some more.
"It wasn't exactly a great experience for me either Red!" Lance snapped. He then noticed a very angry Spirit looking at him. "Uh… Hi Spirit."
"Young Avalanche," Spirit folded his arms. "You and I are going to have a very long discussion when we return home."
"Busted," Pietro snickered.
"Told ya," Todd giggled.
"Spirit," Lance gulped. "I can explain…"
"No need," Spirit pointed. "From what I saw an explanation is not necessary. They might want a few words with you however…"
"Uh oh," Lance gulped as several angry X-Men glared at him. "Uh guys…" He pleaded with the Misfits.
"Don't look at us," Althea shook her head. "You got yourself into this mess."
"You caused a lot of trouble for us before Lance," Rogue growled. "But this time you really went over the line!"
"Give me that!" Logan grabbed the potion away from Lance. "The first thing I'm gonna do is get rid of this thing so it don't cause any more trouble!" He sliced it in half and let it pour down a nearby drain.
"Lance Alvers you are in such trouble!" Kitty stormed up to him.
"Kitty…I can explain…" Lance gulped.
"Lance I can't believe you would stoop to…stoop too…" She looked at Logan. "Wow you smell real nice."
"Oh no…" Logan looked at his hands. "I must have spilled some on me by accident!"
"You know you really are quite handsome, you know that," Kitty purred. "In a dark and brooding kind of way. But it works for you. You wanna go to the mall with me?"
"Althea! Now would be a good time for the waterworks!" Logan yelled.
"Sorry it's all gone," Althea told him. "I used all the pool water on everyone else."
"WHAT?" Logan yelled. He looked and saw that nearly all the water had seeped into the ground and the pool was completely dry.
"I know this outfit that would look so cute on you!" Kitty squealed.
"Kitty…" Lance whined, but he was ignored.
"Half Pint," Logan backed away. "Stay back! That's an order!"
"Oh you are so cute when you're all grouchy!" Kitty squealed. "I just have to kiss you!"
"No! Not that!" Logan backed away. "Anything but that!"
"Pucker up!" Kitty giggled.
"AVALANCHE WHEN I GET MY CLAWS ON YOU!" Logan shouted as he ran from Kitty.
"Come back sweetie!" Kitty shouted as she bounced after him.
"This is gonna be the best home video we ever shot!" Pietro laughed.
"I told you this was gonna backfire!" Todd told Lance. "You really are a disaster aren't you?"
"Lance if I were you I'd stay away from the mansion for a few days," Althea said.
"Try a few years!" Scott growled.
"What am I?" Lance moaned. "Cursed?"
"Looks like it to me," Fred remarked.