Title: Bleeding Remorse
Summary: Originally written:10th January 2010. Hunter gets an insight into Shawn's feelings.
Warnings: Language. Slash. Drug abuse. Suicidal musings. Another one where nothing happens. It started off being a short story where Shawn and Hunter had one more night together after splitting up and then the whole diary thing spawned and yeah now it's this crap with the stupid ending. I think it's poorly written for me LOL but hey I give you pictures
Characters/Pairings (if any): Shawn/Hunter
Hunter sighed as he surveyed his bed. What had once been clean and ready for him to crash into and sleep was now cluttered and covered in clothes and bags.
"Shawn, come move your shit!" he yelled, not able to mask the bite of irritation embedded in his tone. It was late, he was tired and he wasn't exactly comfortable with Shawn spending the night.
He'd vowed not to let Shawn stay in his house ever again after they'd split. He couldn't deal with Shawn's drug abuse;hated the way the pills turned him into some insecure Hyde to contrast the unhappy Dr Jekyll he spent the better part of a hungover car journey with.
The pity parties were too frequent, thrown so often that he found himself attending without invitation. Shawn would scream at him to leave, to let him wallow in his own misery. He wanted his pills and he wanted to get drunk. He didn't need Hunter for that.
He'd needed Hunter to help him forget Kevin, until he discovered somas were more effective. Hunter was basically redundant aside from the occasional mindless fuck and the providence of transport to the arena the next day.
He could get the same service from a prostitute or chauffeur.
So Hunter left. Slammed the door behind him as he did so, left the pine to absorb the verbal abuse, left the wood to meet the vase as it shattered, adding a furious exclamation point to Shawn's displeasure at being rejected.
Yet here he was back with Shawn, a victim of circumstance. Hunter remembered why he hated winter in Connecticut now, the icy roads and hazardous driving conditions that came with them made hell impossible to escape.
Shawn appeared in the doorway, blatantly disgruntled at being called away from pizza and late night TV.
" What?"
" Move it" commanded Hunter indicating the mess.
" Move it yourself"
" It's your crap," Hunter seethed, launching a shirt in Shawn's direction, watched as it landed in a crumpled heap at his feet.
" What do you think you're doing?"
The question was cold and angry but Hunter didn't care, he was sick to death of Shawn and his obnoxiousness, his inconsideration, his lack of hurt. Why was it that he had to be filled with such remorse for ending their relationship when Shawn had driven him to it? Shawn didn't feel remorse, Shawn never did.
" What does it look like?" he snapped, Shawn's denim jeans hurtling to meet the ground fuelled by spite. Shawn didn't care, Shawn was emotionally closed until it suited him. Hunter grabbed for the half open suitcase, yanked and twisted the handle as he tugged, finally rived it free in a fit of frustration only for Shawn to block its violent descent to the floor, his arms preventing it from moving, fingers curled protectively over the open case.
" Don't touch it"
Shawn's eyes almost burned black in their intensity, the rage seething from every pore.
" I told you to move it. You refused." spat Hunter, " Now I'm moving it for you"
" Just get off"
" Well move it then!" Hunter barked, " Look, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Fuck knows how we're going to get to the arena in the morning and I don't have time for this shit-"
" You mean you don't have time for me"
" Did I say that?"
" That's what you meant"
A frosty silence of checkmate followed. Any other time and Hunter probably would have denied it, softened the blow with something nicer but he wasn't in the mood. He just wanted to go to sleep, drop Shawn off at the arena in the morning and not speak to him for a few days. He needed space. Yearned for it in fact. There was only so much time he could spend with the elder man before every little thing pissed him off, from the childish attitude to the way he chewed his nails to the wick when nervous, annoyed or bored.
He startled as the rip of the zip tore through the air as Shawn refastened it, left him to struggle with the weight as he lugged the case from the bed. Knew it was petty, knew he should help. Yet he didn't.
" Don't touch my things" Shawn reiterated sternly, stacking them beside the door, as far away from Hunter as possible. He didn't know why, would have laughed at the immaturity if it wasn't so pathetic. What was Shawn expecting? For Hunter to raid his luggage?
" Why would I want to?" he muttered, nastiness barely audible beneath his breath. Shawn didn't have to hear all the words to gain the intent. He glowered as he grabbed his clothing from the floor, shoved it haphazardly atop his bags.
" There. Happy now?" he asked, antagonism seeping from every word.
Hunter shrugged;not even dignifying him with a no. He began straightening the sheets, pulling the blankets back into shape so that they were suitable to use.
" I said are you happy now?"
Shawn's question louder now, anger closer to his ear as he stood behind him.
" Ecstatic," Hunter dead panned. His equilibrium shifted violently as Shawn retaliated with a push.
He fell, bed soft beneath him. Shawn stayed sprawled above him clumsily, pressing his lips against his own to hush the gasp of anger.
He revelled in the familiar taste of Shawn's mouth, not wanting to free the words of reason and rage he could feel forming. He didn't want to break the kiss. He had to act on autopilot, to let the lust fuel him into the dizzy heights of recklessness.
Kissing Shawn was much better than bickering with him.
Lusting was better than loathing.
Their history rendered him willing.
So he let Shawn dictate what happened. Didn't resist as his hand ventured lower.
And suddenly sleeping was the last thing on his mind.
The next time he opened his eyes, night had weaned to the early hours of dawn. He squirmed beneath the covers, the cotton scratching against bare skin. He perched himself on an elbow, glanced down at the sleeping man beside him.
Hunter consoled himself with the fact that he didn't start it.
Hadn't stopped it either. But he hadn't started it.
He disentangled himself from Shawn slowly, determined to leave him sleeping. He looked angelic, peaceful even.
He couldn't ruin that.
He yanked discarded jeans, left the fly unbuttoned before busying himself moving Shawn's stuff from his room, left it in the hallway to load in the car later.
Shawn had left the clothes on top of the case, doing a half assed job as always. Hunter rolled his eyes as he balled them up, not wasting time with folding. He opened the case and shoved them in, misjudged the space and was unable to prevent the contents from overflowing.
"Shit!" he cursed softly, bending down to retrieve the book. The pages rippled in quick succession and he faltered as he caught sight of the familiar scrawl.
"Bastard. Kissed him. Don't know his name. Fuck. Too many fucking somas. Wish had left with Hunter. Shit Kev. Why the hell would he care? Fucked off to WCW and left me here. Maybe he was Jason. Or Paul. Yeah it was Paul. Wrong Paul. Need bed. Need to stop taking shitty pills."
Hunter stopped reading as he realised they were Shawn's private writings, glanced back towards the bedroom to check he was still sleeping. A sliver of guilt worked it's way through him but he ventured further into the book regardless, welcoming an insight into Shawn's emotions.
He rifled through the book, landed somewhere in mid '96, gnawed at his lip as Shawn's relationship with Kevin fell apart amongst the pages.
"Phoned Kev. He was busy with Scott. Cried like a baby. Hunter saw. Didn't laugh. He is alright for a city kid. Still no Kev. Fuck Kev. Hate him. Bastard. Shit, need a pill."
"Kevin doesn't call. Still hurts all the fucking time. Took somas to make it go away. Hunter saw. Pain came back. Bastard city kid. Wish he'd go to WCW. Wish I could. Least Hunter stayed."
It was weird to see Shawn's mixed emotion trawling the page, to be able to see the seeds of their doomed relationship planted.
"Kev called. Over. Done. Finished. Gun. Trigger. Dead. Gone. Problem solved. No more trouble. Might look bad for Vince if champ kills himself. Bad for business. Business is going down the pan anyway. Who cares if I die? Least the ratings will go up. There's always a bright side."
The page was creasing beneath Hunter's hold; fury causing the paper to contort. He couldn't believe Shawn had wanted to kill himself because of Kevin. He wanted to drag the elder man awake and shake some sense into him, to make him see that for all his faults he was a decent human being who deserved to live, who shouldn't take the coward's way out.
Hunter thumbed through with vehemence, desperate to leave the dark thoughts behind, an uneasy knot in his stomach assuring him there was probably plenty of blackness waiting to bleed from the pages.
"Lost the strap in MSG. Got booed. Bastards. Hunter says it's not my fault. What the fuck does he know? Can't sleep. Buzzed. Need someone, anyone. Need Kevin. Hunter. Fuck need a drink. Hunter he said call."
He remembered that night in the Garden, how upset Shawn got, how he'd been awakened in the early hours of the morning to hear him mumbling on the other end of the line, words sluggish and disorientated. He'd talked him to sleep.
"Can't remember how I got home. Kissed Hunter on the ramp. Shit. Dunno why I did it. He didn't kiss me back. He is going to hate me. They always end up hating me. I deserve it. Kevin said so. Brought it all on myself. Hunter's too nice for a bastard like me. Stupid kid. Won't leave me alone!"
"Shawn is gay, Shawn is not gay. Shawn just likes kissing his best friends. I don't know what I was thinking my logic is seriously flawed. Kissed Hunter again in the ring. This time he kissed back."
A well of sadness rose as he reached their relationship. Every kiss and recollection seared him with longing. He missed Shawn. When he was sober they were great together. And he loved him, he couldn't deny it.
"Moved on from kissing. Practically living together. He said he loved me. I told him to pass me my bag. I swallowed a bunch of pills. I'm such a shit. Woke up and he was still there. What's wrong with this kid?!"
"Got some days off. Took him back to Texas. Back to the house I had built for Kev. It didn't matter. I liked him being there. He was sweet. Felt normal. I cooked and he washed up. Like a proper couple. No pills or nothin'. I stayed sober for 24 hours. Went to bed, fooled around. Told him I loved him. Got wasted."
A sad smirk flitted across Hunter's features at how Shawn thought staying sober for a whole day had been noteworthy. Being vulnerable had sent him crashing back to addiction. The weekend in Texas had been the beginning of something beautifully fragile. He'd hated Shawn's country ways but suffered them gladly for the time he got to spend with him. Shawn had been happy until he'd voiced his love aloud. Hunter never pressed him to say it again.
"Hunter loves Shawn. Shawn loves Hunter. Hunter is screwed. Tried to tell him. He kissed me and told me to shut the fuck up. Ended up in bed. This love stuff makes my head hurt."
"Had this real long talk with Hunter. Promised him no more fucking pills. Flushed them all down the hotel toilet. Think Hunter was kinda proud of me. Shit cravings. Gonna wake Hunt up. Please don't be mad..."
Hunter remembered the talk, remembered begging and pleading Shawn to wake up and see what he was doing to himself. He had been proud at the strength Shawn had shown getting rid of the somas.
"Sorry Hunter. Can't do it. It fucking hurts. Don't leave me."
"Hunter caught me taking the pills. Tried to throw them in the trash. Told him I hated his ass. Got the pills outta the garbage. Didn't even rinse them off. Just swallowed them. Hunter says I'm fucked up.I told him he was the one still hanging around. He left. Dunno where he went. Knew I'd screw this up. Don't fucking cry."
It still infuriated Hunter now. Shawn hadn't even lasted a day. At least in Texas he'd tried. To watch him sink so low as to take the pills from the trash had made him feel sick. He left so he didn't have to watch the man he loved hit rock bottom.
"Shawn loves Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels makes Shawn sick. And Hunter's been gone for six whole hours. Shawn loves somas. And not Hunter. Who needs him anyway. Pills don't fucking argue."
"He didn't say goodbye. Fuck him. I don't think he cares any more. I don't care either."
Except Hunter did care so he came back. He always did.
"I'm sorry. That's what I wanted to say only it came out as fuck you. So he did and it was wrong because I owed him sorry. Why doesn't he hate me yet?"
He never had said sorry. Make up sex didn't count. He flicked the pages, the ink trailing the page, uneven and barely legible as Shawn's thoughts spiralled into drug fuelled heights.
"I cheated on Hunter. I'm such a prick. Just like Kevin. I didn't mean it. I swear to God. Didn't mean to sleep with him. Can't tell Hunter but maybe if I do he'll wake up & see I'm not worth bothering about. Wish I could remember the dude's name. Fucking somas."
The book fell from his grip, knuckles flared white with the intensity. Rage roared around him, Hunter wanted to find the nameless man and break every bone in his body, to crack each and every limb that had come into contact with Shawn's.
Then he'd kill Shawn for being a cheating bastard.
He picked the book back up, determined to carry on reading. To see if Shawn had ever felt regret.
"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Hunter loves Shawn. Shawn loves the somas. Shawn hurts Hunter just because he can. No one likes me and I don't blame them. Fucking hell Shawnie. JD doesn't go with the white kind anyways. Fuck. Fuck."
"Cut my wrist. Bled all over the fucking place. Told Hunter it was an accident. He didn't believe me. Still came over and fixed me up. Felt good having him there. Then he left. Pills eased the pain. Still bleeding."
Hunter cringed as he caught sight of the sullied blood, the red now faded brown with age. Shawn's plea for help forever encaptured between the pages. There had been some remorse amongst the self deprecation. At the time he'd been worried for Shawn but not that worried. He'd sensed their love going sour, hadn't known the reason for Shawn's distance until now. He was too busy fretting over random shags to spare a thought for his then boyfriend.
Anger re-surfaced, the pill still far too bitter to swallow. It hurt to think of Shawn with some faceless man, to know that someone else had touched him.
He closed his eyes to the images flaring.
He glanced down to see the short entry. Knew exactly when it was from, the text smudged slightly in its sorrow.
"He left. He's not coming back. Don't blame him. I'd leave me too."
It was harrowing to see how little paper Shawn dedicated to the event that had broken Hunter's heart. The night he'd walked away had been one of the hardest yet Shawn summed it up in a few sentences. He turned the page to be confronted with a ranting page of misplaced fury.
"Fuck you Hunter. Ungrateful son of a bitch just walked out and left. Begged him to come back but he won't. Even after everything I did for him. Selfish prick. I fucking hate him. Glad he's gone. Good riddance to him. Never needed him anyway."
The entries ended and Hunter rose to his feet, the tattered book limp by his side. He took it with him into the kitchen, flung it to the sideboard as he searched the drawers before resurfacing triumphantly with the pen. When he was done he tucked the book back into place, buried it amongst Shawn's clothes where he'd found it.
Then he woke the elder man and acted like nothing had happened. Not last night, not ever.
The show had finished hours ago. Shawn sat on the bed, adrenaline still throbbing in his veins. It was ebbing though, allowing the immense loneliness to rush in. He eyed the blister of pills splayed across the bedside cabinet before rubbing his eyes wearily, hoping when they focused they'd find something better to look at.
He went over to his case, retrieved the diary, with the intent of documenting the day and distracting himself from the somas calling to him. He flung the book against the mattress, waited for the pages to flutter to a standstill so he could sully the plain white sheets with his self pity.
He faltered as the considerably neater handwriting came into view.
"Found this. Scary bedtime reading. You ever think about killing yourself again and I'll do it for you. Fuckwit. I love you, you idiot. Don't be a coward. Don't you dare be so damn selfish. I love you for you not the fucking push. You got me stuck in midcard anyway stupid bastard. Fuck Shawnie. Get yourself together before I have to kick your ass. Still here. Always here xx"
"Hunter loves Shawn even if Shawn doesn't. Jesus Shawn you crazy bastard. I never fucking hated you and you better stop thinking it. Just because I left doesn't mean I don't care. It means I love you idiot. Xxx I love you."
The writing blurred through tears upon second reading. He snapped the book shut, flung it to meet the pills on the table, a feeling of satisfaction coursed through him as they both bounced to the floor.
Picked up the phone and dialled. Listened to it ring.
" Hello?"
Shawn stayed silent, the words heavy in his mouth.
" Hello?" Hunter said again, brusque with irritation this time.
" I'm sorry"