Warning: Suicide, Pseudo-incest
They decide on the twins when they are four. The first time they meet, they come off as estranged, aloof, and a bit too impish for Kyouya's suiting. But Tamaki insists that they're perfect and Kyouya, though skilled in making it appear otherwise, has never been able to deny the man when his heart has been set. They sign the papers straight away.
.
Two years pass before they decide to adopt again. They try for a girl this time, and Tamaki falls in love with a sweet, little angelfaced doll with a deadpan expression and a bluntness that takes them all by surprise. Kyouya is almost as enamoured, but expresses it only through a dignified smile and stores away the sentiment next to his heart.
The twins, having grown out of their frigidity by now but by no means less miscreant, take delight in this new plaything their parents have brought home.
"How old are you?"
"Five." She answers blandly. Their smiles widen.
"Since we're older than you, you're gonna have to do what we say from now on, got it?" They leer down at her. Haruhi shrugs. She turns her back and walks away, having not really listened and not particularly caring for whatever they have to say. The twins' smirks droop and glances are exchanged.
How annoying, they think to eachother.
.
"Haruhiiii!" The twins call after her. "You haven't played the "Which one is Hikaru" game yet!"
The girl stares at them as if they're idiots. "You're Hikaru, and you're Kaoru," she points. She's right, and it slightly disturbs them, but it could have been a lucky guess.
"Aww, no fair," they frown in unison. "You didn't give us a chance to shuffle." They do a quick little dance, sliding past eachother, between eachother. "Now guess."
Haruhi deadpans. "You're Hikaru, you're Kaoru. I don't understand what you guys are trying to do. "
.
"Kaoru?" Hikaru twists his head on the pillow to look at his brother.
"Yeah?"
"Haruhi's an interesting plaything, don't you think?"
Kaoru doesn't answer.
"I mean, if she can tell us apart..."
"Yeah," Kaoru sighs. "She's ok."
.
"Ow! Cut it out!"
"Boys, leave Haruhi alone." Kyouya's voice can be heard from the next room.
The twins pout cheekily, clasping their hands tighter around Haruhi's wrists and ankles as she tried to wriggle free.
"Aww, that's no fun. When she turns ten she's going to be too big for us to mess with, so we have to get as much as we can in now."
"Well since there's two of you and only one of me, I'm pretty sure that's never going to be a concern. So let go of me!" The twins pout again, but comply to their sister's demands.
"Love ya, sis." Hikaru ruffles her hair while Kaoru gaves her a thump on the back.
"Yeah, ok," grunts Haruhi, but the urge to smile is too strong & the three of them burst into laughter.
.
It's around their last year of Junior High when Kaoru first notices something's up with Hikaru, but it's during summer vacation that his suspicions are confirmed.
"Come on Haruhi, get in the water!"
"No."
"Hikaru, Haruhi won't come in the ocean! Help me grab her!"
Hikaru doesn't move. He just sits there, glancing between the two of them.
"No thanks," he calls back, but his voice is weak and uncertain. Tamaki instantly swoops over to his side.
"What's wrong, Hikaru? And you should put more sunscreen on your face. You've gotten really red."
Hikaru scowls and looks away. "I'm fine, it's just a sunburn. I don't want to get out of the shade and make it any worse than it already is."
He's hardly been in the sun at all though, Kaoru thinks. He notices Kyouya give a minute glance, and realizes that he knows as well.
.
"I just don't understand why I'm here. It's a crush. I'll get over it." Hikaru hates being here. He wouldn't have come to see this therapist no matter how many threats Kyouya tried to pull, but in the end Kaoru had asked to give it a shot, and of course he couldn't say no to him.
"Yes, and I believe you. The purpose of you coming here is so that you have someone to talk to about these feelings. I understand that your other father hasn't been made aware of the situation?"
Hikaru huffs and slumps against the couch. "Yeah, he would probably flip out if he knew. Daddy's little girl, and all. Father just tells him that I'm at study group."
"I see... And how do you get along with your parents?"
Hikaru shrugs. "Fine I guess." He could explained that he gets on better with Tamaki and that his relationship with Kyouya is more distant, but he doesn't. He's done for the day, talking with people he doesn't know about things that are none of their business.
.
"I can't do this anymore!" Hikaru paces back and forth, clawing his fingers through his hair. His face wrenches up as though in terrible pain. "I'm going insane."
The woman is quiet.
"I remember the first time you came to see me, you said it was just a crush then, and that it was nothing to worry about. What do you think has changed?"
"I don't know! I..." The words die in his throat. He knows, and he thinks Kaoru knows too. That Kaoru's always known, since the first time they asked her to play that game, that they've been working up to this moment from the very beginning. The therapist clears her throat.
"You know," she begins, "sometimes it helps for us to take a break from the other person, to clear our heads. You could try studying abroad for a while, see if that helps. Or we could..." She keeps on talking, but the words are drowned out by the thoughts that invade Hikaru's mind.
She wants me to... leave? Leave Haruhi behind? And what about Kaoru, does she expect me to let go of him too?
Hikaru feels a sudden wave of rage wash over him.
"Shut up!" He cries, springing out of his chair. She stares at him with owlish eyes. "Just, shut up! I'm done with this. Two years I've been coming here to try to get better. Two years, and you still don't understand anything, do you?" He storms from the room, eyes clouding over with an onslaught of unfallen tears.
.
"Where's Hikaru?" Worried voices in the hall. "He's supposed to be back from study group. It's been over an hour hasn't it?" "Did you try calling his cell?" "He's not answering." "Three hours have gone by, where could he possibly be?" "It's going to be dark soon, I hope he isn't lost..."
It's nearly 2 AM when the private police force delivers a very cold, worn, and sullen looking Hikaru on the front steps. The family all rush out to meet him.
"Hikaru, where have you been? We were so worried."
But Hikaru averts his gaze. "I'm really sorry, but can we please do this tomorrow? I'm exhausted, and I have early class." He traipses up to his room.
Tamaki makes a move as if to stop him, but Kyouya puts a hand on his arm.
"He's here, and that's the important thing. We can get the details in the morning. Just be glad he's safe."
.
Kaoru can see his shoulders heaving before he hears the sobs. Hikaru is facing away from him towards the window, and Kaoru takes the opportunity to sidle up behind him and lean his cheek against his shoulder. Hikaru rests his head against his brother's, exhaling in soft, short sniffles.
"It's been a while since we've been like this," murmurs Kaoru, closing his eyes. They revel in the silence, before Hikaru breaks it.
"I love her," he whispers, his face screwing up as if threatening to break into tears again.
"I know, I know." Kaoru rolls his neck and presses a kiss to his brother's temple. "So do I, but it's different for me. You were always the one with all the passion." Hikaru doesn't speak straight away.
"The therapist thinks it's best if I go away for a while. Do you think she's right?"
Kaoru wants to be selfish. He wants to say no.
"I think... I think you should do whatever you need to do for you. Besides, I'll always be here waiting whenever you come back." Don't leave me, is what he wants to say, but he tells himself that if it helps Hikaru get better, then he can put up with anything.
"Okay," Hikaru whispers back. Okay.
.
The next few days seem to go alot smoother. Hikaru is finally smiling, genuinely smiling for the first time in what seems to Kaoru like years. He's making jokes, pulling sly little pranks, and he's laughing with everyone like he did in the old days.
"Hey Kaoru," he calls over Haruhi's head. "remember when we used to play like this?" He quickly seizes his sister by the hands, and Kaoru gets the hint and grabs her by the legs. The hoist her up so that she's horizontal with the floor.
"What are you doing!? I'm not two anymore, guys. Let me go!" But Haruhi feels secretly relieved. She doesn't really know what's going on with her brother, but she knows how badly it's affected him & that it has something to do with her. She knows it will be a while before things go back to the way they were before, if they ever do, but the last few days have given her hope.
"C'mon, guys." Hikaru pulls the two of them close in a giant bear hug. A flush spreads across his cheeks as he breaks into a huge smile. "Let's make this the best day ever!"
.
The next morning, they find him.
.
He left me.
Kaoru glances at his reflection in the mirror. He feels hollow, numb.
This isn't what I meant. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He can feel a pair of eyes on him, and turns to see Haruhi looking in at him through the open door. He is angry with her for an instant, and then feels guilty. He doesn't blame her after all, he decides. None of this is her fault. He clears his throat.
"You're wearing a dress." He notes her obvious discomfort.
"Yeah. Hikaru always tried to get me to wear stuff like this, so I thought for the funeral I could at least wear something he'd have liked." Her voice gets quiet at the end. She looks down.
"I'm sure he'd appreciate that." Haruhi looks lost. He probably looks the same, but he's the older one here, so he gathers her in her arms.
"Look." He turns her so that they're facing the mirror, somber, empty. A grim family portrait. "Sometimes," he whispers, "sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I think that it's him. But that's silly, isn't it." Haruhi shakes her head.
"You may look the same in person, but I've always seen you two differently in my mind's eye." She reaches out to touch the glass. "I could never see you as Hikaru."
I love you, Kaoru thinks suddenly, so he says it. Haruhi hums in response.
"I love you too." She goes quiet for a moment. "I know I'm not the type of person to say it that often, but I really do mean it. Do you think Hikaru knew it?" Her voice quivers, but maintains its pitch.
"He did." Kaoru knows he did know, and it broke Hikaru's heart to know that the love she had for him was entirely different than his own. Kaoru doesn't know where his own feeling lie, but he knows they fall somewhere between the lines that both of his siblings have drawn. He presses a kiss to his sister's temple and winds their fingers together. It's enough.
"Come on," he guides her behind him. "We're going to be late for the funeral.
.
"Are you back for the holidays?"
Haruhi looks up, eyes widening in surprise. She looks older than when he last saw her. "I am. I was going to surprise our parents, but I wanted to see Hikaru first." She rests a hand on the gravestone. Her gaze falters now, and her eyes are distant. "I wasn't expecting to see you here." Kaoru steps a bit closer.
"So how's college treating you?"
"I could ask the same to you," Haruhi laughs. "It's fine. I spend most of my time studying, so I've only made a few friends." Kaoru grins.
"That's so like you." He sidles a glance. "So no boyfriend yet either?"
"No, Mei-chan, one of said few friends, says that I've been asked out alot, but that I'm too oblivious to notice. I don't mind that though." She goes a bit quiet, and Kaoru gets the feeling that she is far away from here. "It seems wrong to date someone who will never know my brother, you know what I mean? No matter how well they know me, they'll never know the part of me that was him."
Kaoru knows this, more than she ever will. He walks closer and sits next to her, almost touching but not. A whisp of wind rustles the grass.
"Are you staying?" he asks. Haruhi does not answer. "I think," he begins again, "that none of us really understand why you left." Why you left us, he doesn't say, but Haruhi hears it.
"I was trying to run away from myself. I didn't know how I was feeling." She says it simply, as though it's water under the bridge, but it's not. Not for him, anyways.
"And do you know now?" He turns to look at her, but she's already facing him, eyes burning, lucid.
"No." She covers his lips with her own.
.
There are days when Kaoru feels selfish, and he wants her all to himself. He'll pepper her with kisses and they roll out of bed and make pancakes. Or waffles, or french toast, whatever strikes their fancy. These, admittedly, are better days.
There are days when he wakes her up with Hikaru's mouth, Hikaru's voice, Hikaru's breath against her skin. He gets jealous because Hikaru would. He's angry like Hikaru, and petty, because it's not fair that he's allowed to have what his brother could not, but if he can become Hikaru then maybe he won't really be gone.
.
One day he goes to far.
Haruhi is furious at first, then tired. She feels older than she thinks she should.
"Kaoru." She doesn't understand. "Of all the things that Hikaru was, why do you insist on being all the bad ones?"
And Kaoru just stands there, gaping. Tears dribble onto his chin, and then suddenly he's on his knees, sobbing, wailing into Haruhi's arms as she clutches him to her chest (her cheeks are wet, so she must be crying too). He dies down slowly.
"He loved you," he whispers, voice raw. But then he thinks he's should've kept quiet, because Haruhi recoils suddenly and her expression goes cold.
"I know," she says. Her voice is quiet and flat, but Kaoru almost hears a quiver. "Do you think... if I had realized back then, that things would have been different?"
And suddenly, Kaoru is dumbfounded, because not once, since that moment at the funeral, had he thought to blame Haruhi. She's been carrying this with her, after all this time, he thinks, and it seems incredulous that anyone could be hurting more than he is, but because it's Haruhi, just this once he can believe it.
"It's not your fault, you know." He can feel the walls around them crumbling as he peels back the layers of her guarded heart. "Don't you ever blame yourself." He hears the whimper of an initial cry and catches her as she sinks to the ground.
.
Weeks pass, months come and go. The don't know if they're happy, but they pretend to try to be (either they're not and aren't trying, or they are and feel guilty. Either way they're in denial).
"You know what, Kaoru," Haruhi says one morning over a bowl of cereal. "I think people are wrong. It's not about letting go of the people you lose. It's about carrying them with us in our hearts."
Kaoru sets his dish next to hers and takes her hand with a pained expression. He presses it to his cheek. "Alright." His eyes close.
Maybe, maybe now they can begin to heal.