Progress and Determination
This a "filler" scene for Season 10x21 The Life in the Light – after Booth and Brennan eat at the diner together [and after she finds out Angela is going to move to Paris], but before she asks him to stay the night with her. I always felt like there was something else that happened before Brennan asked Booth to stay, and this is how my muse pictured it.
Doctor Temperance Brennan paced around the kitchen as she carefully sipped some herbal tea. There was a sudden chill in the air, and she sighed as she pulled her robe tighter around her, pausing for a moment when she reached the window above the kitchen sink.
Sometimes the large windows all over the house made her feel uncomfortable, even more so when Booth wasn't around. It was ironic, she thought, because Booth was in prison when she bought the house and moved in. Back then, the windows didn't bother her, so she tried to figure out when everything changed, only she couldn't come up with answer. The only conclusion she could arrive at was that she felt safe when Booth was around. Booth was the only person she truly depended on, and he was the person that made her feel secure. She reasoned that when he was in prison, she was so focused on fighting and finding a way for him to come home, that she probably didn't have time to stop and realize how vulnerable the damn windows made her feel.
Booth.
Brennan sighed again, this time more heavily. She really missed Booth and wanted for him to come home, but she was the one who made him leave. She knew that if he was out of the house, he would reach the rock bottom that he needed to hit in order to tackle his gambling problem again. In order to make progress, he had to be determined to succeed, and it just so happened that being out of the house was the motivating factor. She was at a crossroads. She wanted him to move home, but she didn't want to stunt his progress either.
She walked one final lap around the island, stopping to rinse out her mug and place it in the sink. When she looked out the window again, she noticed that it was probably going to storm. The tree branches were swaying rapidly and she could hear the thunder rumbling in the distance. It was funny how the uncertain, dreary weather seemed to mirror her mood. With Booth putting her and Christine in danger by gambling, and Angela telling her that she was going to move to Paris, all the unknowns made her feel as if a storm was brewing in her life, figuratively speaking, of course.
A strong kick from the baby rattled her from her thoughts. "I know," she said to the empty room. "You miss your daddy, too." She walked from the kitchen to the living room and stopped at the fireplace to look at the family photo which was displayed on the mantel.
It was taken at Christine's birthday party in park. She was watching with a smile as Christine opened her presents, and Booth was watching them both with so much joy and happiness on his face. It was simpler time then – before their house was shot up, before he went to prison, and before started gambling again – it was when life wasn't any more stressful than it usually was for them. She missed it. She missed him.
It was ironic in way – she spent a lot of time with Booth over the last few days while they were working on their case together and she realized that she missed him even more than when they weren't working on cases together. Spending two hours with him in the diner while they ate pie was comforting and she saw how determined he was to work his program – which he did prove by hitting the 30-day sober mark recently.
She missed him a lot -so much that she picked up the phone and dialed his number, almost regretting it when she realized that it was 4:47am.
He picked up after just one ring. "What's wrong, Bones?"
"Noth-nothing is wrong," she stammered, surprised that he answered so quickly.
"Are you sure?" he was slightly less panicked now than he was just a moment ago when he first answered.
"Positive," she assured him. With his slightly less panicked tone, she could tell that it didn't sound like he was sleeping before he answered. "Were you awake?"
"Yeah, I woke up about a half hour ago. What about you?"
"I've been waking up every hour or so lately. Only this time, I couldn't fall back asleep. I've been up for awhile." She sat down on the couch and pulled a blanket over her legs. "Could you just talk to me for a little bit?"
"Of course, Bones. Is the little tiger kicking up a storm or is something on your mind?"
"The baby is kicking quite frequently tonight, so that is part of it."
"Remember when you were pregnant with Christine and you couldn't sleep? Do you remember what we would do?"
"You would make me a glass of warm milk, rub my back and teach me those ridiculous nursery rhymes that didn't make any sense scientifically." She closed her eyes to relive the memory. If she focused hard enough on the sound of his voice, she could almost imagine that he was sitting beside her.
"Those were some good times, weren't they?"
"The best."
"I'm sorry I can't do that for you now."
"Yeah," she whispered, not knowing what else to say.
"What else is on your mind, Bones?" he asked, gently, knowing there was more.
"Angela and Hodgins are moving to Paris," she said quickly in one breath.
"Oh," he said, surprised, "I didn't see that one coming."
"I find that I don't know how that makes me feel."
"It makes you sad, Bones. Angela is your best friend. It's okay to be sad."
She sighed. "I know that Angela has always wanted to live in Paris, so logically, I should have expected this, but... all these years, Angela was right here, I got used to having a friend around. I never really had a friend before Angela, pathetic, I know."
"It's not pathetic."
She shrugged, even though she knew he couldn't see her. "With Angela moving it feels...it feels..." she sniffled.
"It feels like what, Bones?"
"Like everyone in my life is leaving me." She closed her eyes and bit on her bottom lip. Like they always do, she thought to herself.
"That is not true, Bones," he said firmly. "Angela will always be your friend –no matter where she lives. That won't change. And me, well, I'm always going to be here, too, if you let me...I'm working really hard and sticking to my program..."
"I know you didn't leave. I know I am the one who kicked you out," she rationalized.
"You did what you had to do," he said dejectedly. "I put our entire family in danger, and I will never forgive myself for that."
"I am disappointed and angry..."
"... you should be..."
"...but I don't want to give up on us...I love you, Booth."
"I love you, too."
"Yeah? Well, I love you to the moon and back," she said, setting him up for the response he always gave Christine when he tucked her in at night and she told him she loved him to the moon and back.
"Oh, really?" He replied without missing a beat, a small smile on his face as he thought about the exchange he and Christine came up with one night. "Well, then I love you to Pluto and back."
"Because Pluto is further away than the moon," she replied adamantly, much like Christine would.
"Exactly."
"Hey, Booth..."
"Yeah?"
"I know it's short notice, but I have a doctor's appointment at 9:30 this morning...if you aren't busy, maybe you'd like to come with me?" She hoped he would say yes, she needed to connect with him again and feel close to him.
"You mean it?"
She could practically hear the smile in his voice. "I wouldn't ask if I didn't mean it."
"I would love to go to your appointment with you."
She half chuckled, half sighed. "Good, thank you."
"I could, uh, pick you up?"
"That would be nice."
"At the Jeffersonian or at the house?"
"At the house."
"And I can see Christine?"
"Of course. Maybe we can get breakfast, too?" she suggested.
"Sure."
"Actually, would you like to come over and have breakfast here? Christine has been asking for Daddy's pancakes for the last three days, and I've had a pancake craving myself lately. We can have breakfast and then drop Christine off at school on our way to the appointment."
Booth glanced at the clock – it was now 5:15am – and mentally calculated how much time he would need to get a shower, get dressed, and get to the house. "I can be there in an hour?"
"I'll be waiting."
Nearly an hour later, the storm outside was dying down, and Brennan could see the lights of Booth's SUV illuminating their driveway. Sparing him the awkwardness of knocking on the door, she went to open it before he even had a chance to get out of his SUV. "Hi," she greeted as he crossed the threshold.
"Hi, yourself," he whispered softly as he brushed a few stray hairs away from her eyes.
She caught his hand in hers before he had a chance to pull away and held it close to her face as she gave it a gentle squeeze. When she released his hand from hers, she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him with everything she had in her. "Thank you for coming."
Her tears felt hot against his skin, and a small sob escaped her lips. "It's okay," he soothed.
"I'm sorry. I'm not sure why I'm crying; pregnancy hormones, I guess. I'm just so glad to see you... to touch you."
He pressed a kiss to her temple. "Come on," he said as he led her to the couch. "You should try to sleep for a little bit at least."
"It's morning now…"
"Just sleep for a little bit, huh? Go on, put your feet up," he instructed as he reached for the blanket and covered her legs before sitting down next to her.
When he sat next to her, Brennan rested her head against his chest and he drew lazy circles with his fingers on her arm, hopping it would help lull her to sleep.
"Well…maybe I could rest my eyes for a little bit."
A few minutes later, Brennan's breathing evened out and he could tell she was asleep.
"Mommy?" Booth could hear Christine call out. "Where are you?" She called again as she rounded the corner and came into view. "Daddy!" She squealed with delight, as she took off to run towards him.
Booth brought a finger to his lips. "Ssh. Mommy is sleeping. Let's whisper."
"But you said whispering is rude," she commented as she climbed up on the couch and settled next to him.
She was so much like Bones sometimes, Booth thought. "I did say that, but sometimes it's okay to whisper, and this is one of those times. We don't want to wake Mommy up. She just fell asleep."
"Did Mommy have a bad dream?"
"What do you mean?" Booth asked, confused.
"I cry when I have a bad dream. I can't fall asleep again until you give me a hug and a kiss and it's all better. I heard Mommy crying at night but you weren't here, maybe she couldn't fall asleep after her bad dream cause you weren't here to give her a hug and kiss."
"Does Mommy cry every night?" Booth asked as Christine snuggled up next to him even more.
"I hear her cry lots of nights…but I'm not sure if it's every night."
"Oh, okay."
"Daddy?"
"Yes, honey?"
"Mommy said that you have stuff to work on and that's why you aren't home a lot right now...are you almost done catching the bad guys so you can tuck me in every night again?"
Booth swallowed, thinking of a response that was honest, yet age appropriate for Christine. He finally settled for a simple, "Yes, I'm working really hard. Hopefully, I will be home more soon."
"Good...and if you are home you can make pancakes!" She exclaimed.
Booth chuckled. "I'll make pancakes today for you and Mommy. How's that sound?"
"Oh, yay!"
"But first," he began softly, "why don't we take a little nap, huh?"
"I just woke up!"
"I know, but Mommy just fell as sleep and I think we should let her sleep for a little bit longer."
Christine pondered it for a moment. "Okay."
Booth pulled another blanket from the top of the couch as carefully as he could without disturbing Brennan and covered himself and Christine.
"I love you, Itsy-Bitsy," he said as he kissed her forehead.
"I love you to the moon and back."
"Oh, really? Well, then I love you to Pluto and back..."
"...because Pluto is further away than the moon," Christine finished.
"Exactly." He whispered.
"Daddy?"
"Hmm?"
"Can you make caterpillar pancakes this time?"
"Sure."
"Okay, I think I can take a nap then." She said as she closed her eyes.
Booth closed his eyes. It felt good to be home with his wife and his daughter. It was where he knew he belonged. He couldn't believe that he risked everything by gambling again – putting his family in danger was something he would never forgive himself for. He wished that he would have listened to Aubrey and never took the lead in the case that led to his downfall, he wished he would have been honest with Bones the first time he slipped up, and he wished above all, that, eventually, Bones would let him come home.
"I won't mess up again, Bones," he said to the quiet room. "I promise."
Only Brennan wasn't asleep anymore. She heard every word of his vow. She knew that he meant every word he said with every part of his soul – even if she didn't believe in souls per se. It didn't make sense, but she felt as if she could pick up on the meaning behind the words, and things he didn't voice aloud. It was a feeling that was unfamiliar to her, but not foreign, a feeling that she felt before but never placed a label on.
She snuggled closer to him, hoping that he would think it was just a reflex and not realize she wasn't asleep—she just wanted to savor the contact and the intimacy of their proximity. It was in the moment that she realized she had faith in him – that was the feeling that she couldn't describe – faith.
Brennan knew that she had to find a way to tell Booth that she had faith in him, and she knew that she had to tell him soon.