Rating: PG-13
Summary: Episode addition to the putrid "Human Error".
Kathryn writes a letter home to her cousin, Erin, about
her confrontation with Seven.
Copyright March 2001 Cassatt
Dear Erin,
Well, I've made a big one this time. A really big one. And you're the only person I can tell, the only one who knows all the ins and outs up to this point. I just wish I could really send this to you, that Starfleet wouldn't check all of our letters home, that they would allow me some privacy. So, as I always do, I'll save this. I'll give it to you with the others, when I get home. And we can sit and talk for hours, over coffee, or perhaps a walk, as we always do.
Of course it's about Chakotay. And it's complicated. It's also about Seven of Nine, you remember her. Her and her eternal quest for humanity. Sometimes I want to slap her. But I've skipped ahead of myself, so let me backtrack for a moment.
Seven was seriously lax in her duties, hell, she hadn't shown up for her duty shift and almost caused us to be blown up. But as she would say, that part is irrelevant. Chakotay passed the buck back to me to talk to her about it, he dislikes trying to talk to her. He says she is impossible to reach. He says she gives him the 'willies'. I don't know if I believe him.
I did a little research on my own before having my talk with Seven. Discovered she had been on the holodeck rather than at her post. Checked the holodeck logs and saw the accumulated total of her time there over the previous week. 49 hours. Seven times seven. Interesting. Then I made my first mistake. I researched further. Using my command codes I accessed the program she had been running, checking the content. When I saw her companion I thought I was going to throw up. I actually went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face, I was so nauseous. She had made a holographic Chakotay. She and this, this, hologram spent hours and hours together in her simulated quarters. They spent the night together. I can only imagine what she was doing with him. I don't want to imagine what she was doing with him. I don't want to know what personality parameters she gave him to make him want to love her. I wonder how well she thinks she knows him. I really don't think that a holographic Chakotay made by Seven would be anyone close to the real man. But again, I digress.
When she came into my ready room I was still so angry I kept myself far away from her. I had a coffee cup in my hand to give me something to hold. I wanted to strangle her. Then I made the biggest mistake. I asked her what she'd been doing on the holodeck, dared her to tell me. The mistake? I let her see my jealous rage. It was there, in the room, sitting between us, waiting to be let loose. All she had to do was be honest about her holodeck time. She lied instead. Quite effectively, I'll give her that. I knew then that showing my jealousy had only given her the upper hand. She knew I knew. And she now knew that I could be jealous over a holographic representation of Chakotay, doing things with her. I tried to cover, to let her know that I had made mistakes, too, giving her the opening again to confess. If she would have confessed I could have told her a cover story to explain my reactions. She didn't. Everything remained unsaid, but understood.
So as she left the room I took a parting shot at her. I was so furious, so incredibly furious, she had taken the man I love, the man who I believe loves me, and played with him. I let her know that I didn't believe a word she said. I let her know that I knew exactly what she'd been up to, and that I was not happy about it. She merely nodded and left. I wanted to slap her.
So Erin, your cousin is not doing well. I wish you were here. Who else would I tell man troubles to? Truth? The truth I can say only to you. I'm scared. I keep wondering why Seven picked Chakotay. They've had nothing close to a friendship, in fact they've had some serious problems, her attitude being the main culprit. He just told me that he tried to talk her into joining the cooking class Neelix is giving and that she declined. He thought she was being slightly ridiculous in her rigid refusal. He is afraid he might have offended her, that she might think he was laughing at her. I want to warn him to stay away, to leave her alone, don't make friendly overtures. I want to tell him to wait, wait for me. I don't trust her. And she is beautiful. I am not. How long can I expect a man to put aside his desires? If he even still desires me.
I should have handled the confrontation with Seven differently. I should have stuck to disciplining her over her dereliction of duties, her overuse of holodeck privileges, told her to confine her sexual explorations to after hours, told her it was inappropriate to use a fellow crew member, not to mention a superior officer, as a holographic sexual partner. I should have done all of those things, but I couldn't get past my own feelings. I failed as an officer. And in the process, she learned something about me that I never wanted anyone to find out.
Maybe some day you and I will read this together and have a good laugh. Chakotay will be by my side, as he is every day. Maybe we're married, or maybe we're just together. Maybe everything will work out as I want it to.
Until then, I will miss you, and Bill, and mom, and Phoebe, and everyone else.
Much love,
Kathryn
End.