Full A/N at the bottom. This story takes place between seasons 2 and 3 and assumes that Caleb does not know about Hanna's eating disorder. (To my knowledge Hanna has never told him about it but I'm not 100% on that one.) Disclaimer: I do not own PLL.
The pitter patter of heavy rainfall could be heard outside of Caleb's apartment on the unusually cold, gloomy June afternoon in Rosewood. The school year had just ended several days ago and it had been almost a month since Hanna had found out that Mona was –A. Everything was starting to feel normal again for Hanna, yet there were still some days that the simple beep of her cell phone caused her to shiver and still some nights that she would wake up drenched in sweat, calling Caleb in the early hours of the morning to calm her down from her nightmares. Overall she was feeling better though and she and Caleb were in a good place. She no longer had to keep secrets from him or worry about his safety and it seemed as if they were becoming closer than ever as the vowed to make this summer the best one yet.
The couple had been cooped up in Caleb's apartment for most of the day. Originally they planned on going swimming in the pool at Caleb's apartment. However, neither one of them accounted for the rain forecast before they made those plans. Hanna, not wanting her new pink and frilly string bikini to go to waste, decided to wear it when she came over earlier in the afternoon even though she knew their pool plans would be cancelled for the day. And that bikini is what led to Hanna and Caleb lying naked together in his bed an hour later.
Hanna was snuggled up against Caleb, her face buried in the crook of his neck as he lazily stroked her back and arm. The couple had been extra affectionate towards each other lately. Caleb realizing how lucky he was to still be holding Hanna in his arms as her life could have easily been taken from her a few months ago. Hanna closed her eyes, enjoying their intimacy and comfortable silence, the only sounds coming from the rain outside and their breathing.
"How come you never talk about Alison?," Caleb asked softly, breaking their loving silence. It may have seemed random, but it was something that he had been wondering about. Hanna had been confiding in him a lot lately about all of her feelings about Mona being –A and this was something he was genuinely curious about so he decided to ask. He thought it was strange for Hanna never to talk about her friend. Maybe it was too painful for her? Then again he had heard some pretty nasty things about Alison from multiple people in Rosewood and a part of Caleb wanted to know why Hanna had been her friend in the first place.
Hanna was caught off guard by his question and hesitated before giving him an answer. "I talk about her sometimes," she mumbled against his neck. She did? Didn't she?
Maybe she talked about Alison with her friends but Hanna never really spoke of her when they were together. "You've never really talked about her with me," he noted deciding not to push the conversation. If she wanted to talk he'd be there to listen.
"I haven't?," she asked bringing her head up to meet his eyes. Hanna was sure she would have talked about her. Alison had been such a big part of her life, but then again there were a lot of times with Alison that Hanna didn't want to remember.
Caleb nodded. "I mean you don't have to if you don't want to. Just curious, that's all." He gave her a soft smile mentally predicting that this would be the end of their conversation. From what Caleb could gather, Alison was a sensitive topic for Hanna. Probably mostly because she was murdered. But then again from talk around Rosewood and from some offhand comments Lucas had made when he used to live with him, Caleb wondered if Alison had actually been Hanna's 'friend' at all. Almost everything Caleb knew about Alison was negative.
Hanna buried her face back in Caleb's neck, not really wanting to talk about it. However, the question still wouldn't leave her mind. She hadn't even realized that she never talked about Alison when she was around Caleb and honestly wondered why. She had been spilling her guts to him the past month about –A and her feelings surrounding the betrayal. Caleb practically knew everything about her… well everything but one thing and she wasn't sure if she ever wanted anyone – especially him –to know about that one particular part of her life.
If Hanna was being completely honest with herself, something that Dr. Sullivan kept making her do lately, she knew why she never talked about Alison with Caleb. After a few minutes of silence Hanna whispered slowly, "I guess I don't talk about her because I just feel stupid that I once called her my best friend… Looking back on it all I feel… ashamed. Ashamed of who I was when I was with her." A single tear ran down her cheek.
Caleb was caught off guard at the vulnerability he heard in her voice. He was hearing a lot of that vulnerability lately but didn't think Hanna wanted to have a conversation like this today, so he was surprised when she brought the topic up after a few minutes had passed.
Hanna lifted her head to look at Caleb again and shifted her position on the bed to get more comfortable. She lay on her stomach, putting her weight on her forearms so she could look at Caleb as he continued to lay on his back. Caleb, who just caught a glimpse of her glistening eyes, laced his fingers through hers as she continued to talk, rubbing reassuring circles on her hand with the pad of his thumb. Seeing that tear made him regret bringing this up in the first place. They were having such a wonderful carefree day as it was and Hanna had been doing enough crying lately.
Hanna, unsure of how to express her complicated feelings towards Alison to Caleb, decided to start by describing who she was or who she once thought she was at least. "I'm sure you've heard things about Alison," she started. "I mean how could you not in this town after she died. Most of the things about her that you've heard are probably bad and probably true," she said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. Ever since –A Hanna had been finding out dark things about Alison that she'd wished she'd never known. Things she wished had never been true.
"Alison was basically the Queen Bee at school. The girl every guy wanted and every girl wanted to be. Like everyone knew who she was. She was as close to famous as you could get in Rosewood," she said, her tone almost disgusted. If Alison hadn't been famous then she was now. And only someone as sick as Alison would probably be pleased that their death made them an icon in this town.
Caleb stared back at Hanna intensely with his deep brown eyes as she continued. He could tell it was hard for her to talk about this. "So when she wanted to hang out with me, Hefty Hanna, I was ecstatic. Like I felt so honored that someone like her would want to be my friend. She made me feel special, like I mattered." The tone of disgust was still evident in Hanna's voice, but now seemed to be directed at herself rather than Alison. Caleb could tell that her voice was breaking as that she was probably about to start crying so he brought the hand that wasn't holding hers to rub her back in an attempt to comfort her.
Hanna continued. "But Alison was cruel and probably the biggest bitch I've ever known. She was always playing some kind of sick game with someone and she always made fun of people. Mona and Lucas were her biggest targets," she added offhand with almost self-depreciating amusement. That's why Mona turned out to be –A after all, she thought to herself. "And I always just stood there and watched," she explained. "I knew what she was doing was wrong but I never stood up for them. I just stuck by Alison like a stupid little puppy."
Tears began to stream down Hanna's face and she no longer looked Caleb in the eyes when she spoke. Afraid to see his reaction of the kind of person she used to be. "And that's why Mona tortured me and my friends," Hanna said, now full-on crying. "She was getting her revenge after all those years we stood behind Alison," she choked out.
Caleb squeezed Hanna's hand and moved to lay on his side so that he could effectively wrap his arm around her. "Hanna, look at me," he whispered. She moved to look at him, her blue eyes stained with tears meeting his concerned brown ones. "Don't think for a second that –A was your fault. Mona is literally crazy."
Hanna shook her head. "I know it's not all my fault, but I could have done something. I could have stopped Alison."
It hurt Caleb to see how hurt Hanna was about Mona, about Alison. "From what you've told me it sounds like she wouldn't have listened to you. And you were a good friend to Mona when Alison was gone. Don't doubt that," he told her reassuringly.
Hanna nodded and gave him a weak smile, but Caleb could tell that she wasn't able to fully believe him. She would always have doubts and Caleb couldn't do anything to help her there.
"It's just so messed up," she muttered and Caleb couldn't disagree with her. Hanna's life with –A in it was truly a nightmare and he hated even thinking about everything she'd had to go through. And so much she had kept from him out of fear for his safety. It killed him to think about her going through this all on her own. She continued, "Mostly because I feel like I never even knew Mona. Just like I feel like I never even knew Alison."
"What do you mean?"
"After Alison was murdered, we all realized we didn't even know her like she knew us. She knew all of our secrets. Her favorite thing to say that are secrets are what made us close. And after she died I realized she knew all of mine and I knew none of hers," she explained to him.
Things were starting to make more and more sense to Caleb when thinking back to times when Alison was mentioned, like after the fashion show when Hanna really didn't want to talk about her with him. Although he was unhappy that Hanna was now upset, he was happy that he brought the topic up so he could better understand her feelings towards everything.
Hanna was quiet again but there were still a few tears lingering on her face when Caleb asked, "Do you ever miss her?" She didn't answer right away and Caleb added, "It's okay if you do."
No one had ever asked Hanna this before and she really had to think about it. "No," she answered definitively. "In a way, I'm relieved that she is dead as bad as that sounds." Hanna would never tell anyone this but Caleb. She knew that she could be completely real with him and not hold anything back and that he would never judge her. She continued, "Trying to be the person she wanted me to be was too much."
Hanna had had an internal debate with herself for a long time now. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted Caleb to know about her eating disorder. She was ashamed and embarrassed about it. She didn't want Caleb to look at her differently because of it and didn't want him to worry about it ever starting again. Then again, Hanna wanted Caleb to know who she was, like she said outside the tent the night they first made love. Every part of her – the good and the bad. So Hanna finally decided that now would be the right time to tell him.
"Allison… um… She made me do things that I'm not proud of. She um…," she paused, the tears picking up again. This was going to be hard for her to say but she knew that she should just spit it out already and get it over with. Feeling like an idiot for almost full-on crying again she explained, "I'm sorry… it's just… I've never told anyone this."
Caleb really wanted to know what had Hanna this upset, but if telling him was going to make it worse he didn't want her to. He absolutely hated seeing her hurt like she was now. "Han," he said, pulling her chin up with his fingers so he could see her eyes. "Hanna, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he said wiping away some of her tears. "But if you do want to, know that nothing you could have done in your past will make me change the way I feel about you."
Hanna believed his promise as he spoke with such conviction and reassurance. She wanted to tell him but it was so hard. Caleb held her face in both of his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheeks and she knew there was no way to look away from him when she said it. She finally whispered, "I used to make myself throw up Caleb. So I would lose weight. Alison… she taught me how." Hanna choked back a sob that threatened to rip through her body.
Never before had Caleb seen Hanna so vulnerable. Not the first time he'd seen her naked or when he held her tight as she cried the night that she found out Mona was –A. And the instant she said it, Hanna could see the worry cloud his eyes, "Hanna, you still don't…" He had to ask.
"No. No, I haven't done that since she died," she responded quickly and he knew she was telling the truth. Caleb worried about her enough already and Hanna almost felt guilty for possibly giving him another thing to worry about.
Caleb looked like he was about to say something but Hanna wanted to get something out before he started so she started rambling, "I know it was stupid. You don't have to tell me that. I just wanted to be skinny and feel pretty," she admitted. "I wanted boys to notice me and not just because I was standing next to Alison. I didn't want to be Hefty Hanna anymore."
Hanna buried herself in Caleb's chest, desperate to have his arms around her again, soothing her as the tears continued to pour out of her. Although it was incredibly hard for her to tell him that, she knew in her heart that it wouldn't change anything between them and there was comfort in that itself.
Caleb wasn't sure if he should say anything right away. Of course he didn't want to make her more upset so he had to think carefully before he spoke. He definitely wasn't going to yell at her and lecture her about how dangerous it was. He could tell that she knew that now. Nevertheless, Hanna's revelation still surprised him. Just when he thought he knew everything about her, there were more secrets. He couldn't blame her for not telling him this though. He could only imagine what she was feeling and was just grateful that she had told him now. But he still had to make her promise one thing. "Han, I need you to promise me that you'll come to me if you ever even think about doing that again, okay?" From what Caleb knew about eating disorders, they never really went away and it was something people had to deal with for the rest of their life.
"I promise," she said and she meant it. She rolled on her side to look at him, bring her head right next to his on the pillow so their faces were just inches apart.
"You're so beautiful Han. You're perfect just the way you are, okay?" Caleb had to let Hanna know how beautiful and special she was in this moment. And frankly he wanted to hurt anyone who had ever broken her confidence before and made her insecure about herself. Anyone that had made her feel so bad that she needed to harm herself in an effort to change.
Hanna looked at him doubtful. "Would you still be with me if I was fat?" Although she hated sounding like that typical clingy, insecure girlfriend, she had to ask right now. She knew what his answer would be, but she desperately needed to hear him say it out loud. It was the only thing she could think of to make her feel better right now.
Caleb was a little hurt by her question. Didn't she know that he would be with her no matter what? "Of course I would. I'll always think you're beautiful no matter what," he told her with sincerity.
"Do you really mean that?," Hanna asked again.
"Yes. I love you. And not because of your body, which is smokin' hot by the way," he said smirking and bringing the hand that was around her waist to cup her ass.
That made her smile again. "Caleb…," she said shaking her head. "I love you too."
"Can I show you how beautiful I think you are?," he whispered hoarsely in her ear, now teasingly running his hands up and down her bare thighs.
Hanna nodded, smiling as Caleb moved on top of her to kiss away the tears that were still remaining on her face. If anyone had the ability to make Hanna feel flawless it was Caleb. This really was going to be the best summer ever.
Reviews are love 3 3 3
Not here's my ridiculously long A/N... Read if you care... or not.
I hope everyone liked this one-shot! I've been working really hard on it. I hope that I captured Hanna's feelings realistically and pray that it didn't sound cheesy or anything!
I want to apologize for not writing anything lately. I seriously had the best intentions of keeping up with my story "Holiday in the Sun" over Christmas break but it didn't happen for multiple reasons. I had this full story outlined in my head but am kind of lacking motivation to write it unfortunately. That story has kind of made me realize that I like writing one-shots more than getting seriously invested in a story. Sorry if that upsets you. I might get back to it this summer. I haven't decided. In the meantime if you have any ideas for one-shots I'd love to hear them. I really like doing extended or missing scenes. This particular one-shot is just something I've had in my head for awhile now and wanted to get down on paper. I feel like Haleb should have had a similar conversation on the show by now, about her eating disorder and all.
And now on to my PLL feelings/rant. I have to say that I am completely loving Haleb this season. Although there could be more scenes. Those three episodes in a row with no Haleb! What was Marlene doing to us poor Haleb shippers?! However every scene they do have is flawless. It's great to see a more vulnerable side of Caleb and for Hanna being the one to comfort him for once instead of the other way around. They are definitely the most mature couple on the show. If Caleb does end up being mad at Hanna for the whole -A belltower thing that will be dumb though. I think Caleb realizes how -A works and wouldn't be mad at her and hope the writers don't take that direction. Also, even though I don't want to see a Haleb fight concerning Wren, it slightly bothers me that the writers have essentially "forgotten" about it. And I was also hurt that Caleb wasn't even mentioned when there was talk about Hanna and Ashley moving to NY. Crossing my fingers for any sort of Haleb interaction in the finale tonight!
Also, I have to say that I love love love crazy Spencer and am excited about her being on the -A team! Maybe this makes me sick but I am loving this new dynamic side to her character. On to other random PLL comments, Ezria is annoying as hell and needs to break up for real already, Malcom is stupid and not even cute (this sound harsh but come on- stranger danger!), Jason better not be dead or I will have a breakdown, and Toby? I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. Don't think I'll make up my mind until I see the finale!
Enjoy the 3B finale everyone! Hoping it's as intense as everyone is making it out to be! And thanks for reading again! (Especially if you just read this obnoxious A/N!)