Mine…
Purple grinned to himself, almost purring as he skipped through the halls of the Massive. Well, skipped in the sense of the word applied to hover belts and the fact that his feet weren't even touching the ground. Eh, the sprit of skipping was there. In any case he was very happy. His reason for being very happy was clutched tightly to his armored chest. An unopened can of soda. A packet of crackers.
A can of Super-Extra Cheesy Nacho Flavored Cheeze Brand Squirt Cheeze. Extra-large can.
The purple-eyed tallest squealed again as he rubbed his cheek on the can. Finally. Purple loved Squirt Cheeze. Loved it almost as much as the power he got being a Tallest. It was so good, with its creamy texture and warm yellow glow and super cheesy flavor. He couldn't get enough of it!
Unfortunately, neither could half the crew. After the first few food wars over the sacred product, Red had banned it on the Massive. Purple had been crushed. Red was supposed to be his friend, and yet he had cut off the best condiment for crackers the universe had ever invented! Oh sure, it was fine for Red. Red didn't like Squirt Cheeze. He just didn't understand how badly his co-ruler craved the stuff.
But Purple had a solution. It had taken quite a few monies and some scurrying around behind Red's back, but Purple had finally gotten his claws on a can. Finally! A forced fast of almost half a decade was about to be ended. Purple was going to gorge himself on crackers, soda, and Squirt Cheeze until he couldn't move. He would leave Red to deal with everything today; revenge for banning the cheesy goodness Purple loved so much. Now if only he could get to his room without being seen.
Furtively glancing around a corner like a criminal, the Tallest clutched his snacks closer to his body when he saw a janitor in the hall. Nobody was getting his Squirt Cheeze! Purple snarled to himself, thinking. He had to smuggle the snacks to his room somehow, and that janitor was the only thing in his way. Well, he was the Tallest. Maybe he wouldn't have anything to worry about. It wouldn't hurt to be safe. Shoving the mass of snacks over to his left arm, Purple then attempted to float casually down the hall without attracting the janitor's attention or freaking out. It almost worked.
As Purple drew even with the drone, the Irken glanced up from mopping the Massive's shiny, shiny floors and lifted his janitor's hat in greeting. "My Tallest," he said, boredly going back to his task.
Purple immediately began hovering faster, exclaiming in a fake cheerful tone, "Nope! Nothing to see here! I don't have any squirt cheese and if I did you can't have any!" The Tallest stopped, eyes wide and panting. The innocent worker drone raised an antenna and stared at his Tallest. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, then Purple cleared his throat nervously. "Er, um…I'll be in my room. Nobody disturbs me, got it?" The drone nodded hesitantly, still slightly freaked out by his Tallest's strange behavior. Purple squealed, zooming past the drone and down the hall. "Don't tell Red!" He called over his shoulder. The janitor watched for a moment, then shrugged and resumed mopping the floor. The shiny, shiny floor.
Purple purred as he ducked into his room. Releasing the snacks with his left hand, he pressed the pad that would lock the door. Now the only ones that could override the lock command were either himself or Red. And if things went well, Red wouldn't find out about Purple's little contraband until the Tallest was gorged on snack cheese.
Still purring to himself, Purple hovered across his room to the deep violet couch that was its center point. In front of the couch was the huge-screen TV that served as Purple's god during his free time. Behind the couch was a kitchen, Purple's other favorite place to be. Against the other wall was another sliding door that led to Purple's bedroom. But that wasn't where he was going. The Irken leader emptied his armful of snacks on one end of the couch and plopped down on the other.
Finally! Purple popped open the can of soda and took a swig, savoring the moment. He was purposefully delaying opening the Squirt Cheeze, instead choosing to build his anticipation. Grinning his head off, he set the soda down and lazily opened the packet of crackers. The Tallest reclined against the arm of the couch, grabbing the holy can and flicking the lid off. Five years, and he would finally get the best snack condiment in the universe. There was nothing that could ruin this moment! Purring louder then ever he got a single cracker out of the package and held the nozzle of the can against it. He pressed the nozzle, almost tasting the creamy cheesy goodness already.
Nothing happened.
Instantly the purring stopped. Purple stared at the can with wide eyes, unable to comprehend just what was happening. Why wasn't there any cheese coming out of the can? Confused, he first inspected the can, then the cracker. No, the cap wasn't still on the can. That wasn't the problem this time. He carefully pressed on the white plastic nozzle again, but like before nothing came out.
It was at this point that Purple began to get a foreboding feeling in the pit of his hungry Tallest stomach. Ignoring it, he instead tried shaking the can of Squirt Cheeze violently. Maybe the cheese was just stuck? Unfortunately shaking the can didn't work, and neither did banging it against the back of the couch or gnawing on the nozzle. As the realization began to sink in, Purple let out weird wail.
He couldn't have gotten a defective can! Not now, not when cheesy glory was so close. The Tallest whined and glared at the cracker in his left hand as though it was the cracker's fault the condiment wasn't working. If Red was here he could probably force the Squirt Cheeze to work. Red always managed to fix Purple's snack troubles, snack troubles generally caused by Purple overlooking something obvious. But it was Red that had banned the cheesy creamy goodness in the first place, so Purple couldn't take his troubles to him.
Red…
Purple's eyes narrowed. A thought had just occurred to him. Somehow, in some convoluted way, Purple's emo, grief stricken, cheesy-deprived mind had just blamed Red for the malfunctioning can of Squirt Cheeze. To him, it made sense. And why not? Red had denied his co-leader the snack condiment for almost five years. In a way it made perfectly twisted sense that he was trying to keep Purple from enjoying the Squirt Cheeze by deliberately tampering with the can! The Tallest growled and chucked the cracker in his left hand at the wall, whereupon the cracker exploded from the impact. That felt good, but not good enough. Still enraged, Purple got to his, er…"feet", and stormed out of his room. Well, he stormed out after realizing painfully that his door was still locked and slamming his fist into the keypad to unlock it. He paused for a moment in the hall, grip tightening on the Squirt Cheeze can in his right hand. Then he took off for the bridge.
He was going to get Red for this one.
---
Technicians on the Massive later reported that their Tallest had sounded like a Vortian being fed slowly into a meat grinder feet first, the meat grinder being powered by a pair of blob-things and the Vortian being poked in with a pitchfork. It was a weird, high-pitched, insanely-loud noise preceding the Tallest's wrathful flailing to the bridge. It certainly warned Tallest Red that his co-leader was in a bad mood. He could have done without inhaling half of his raspberry slushie, though. Or the straw.
Red coughed violently, extracting the straw from his throat. The banshee wailing was getting closer. Red had no idea what he had done to tick Purple off this time, but it was probably something stupid. He just wished that Purple would find some other way to express undying rage besides shrieking and scaring everyone on the bridge half to death. Including Red. Being startled was a very dangerous thing when you were drinking something, and now Red had raspberry slushie all down the front of his uniform. Yes, he could get a new uniform in about three seconds, but that wasn't the point. Now Red was irritated. Slushie was cold.
When Purple finally made his wailing way onto the bridge, Red was prepared for a violent verbal onslaught. He was not, however, prepared to be suddenly beaned in the side of the head with a large aluminum can. The Tallest attempted to blink the stars from his vision as Purple launched into the familiar verbal assault, hovering in angry little circles.
"You! You messed it up somehow, didn't you?! I know you did, you always mess stuff up for me!"
Red shook his head, trying to follow Purple's flight pattern now that his head wasn't ringing as badly.
"Purple, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked irritably, trying his hardest not to yell. Immediately his vision went silver and yellow as something was almost shoved close enough to touch his eyes.
"This!" Purple wailed, shoving the can closer to his co-leader's face. Red flinched back and snatched the can out of Purple's hand, inspecting it now that it wasn't invading his personal bubble. It was indeed a large aluminum can, the kind that you squirt fluffy condiments out of. There was a large dent on one end of it where Purple had smacked it into Red's skull. Twirling the can, Red raised an antenna at the excessively long name brand. Two words did catch his eye, though. Squirt. Cheeze.
"Purple…where did you get this?" He asked, glaring over the metal can at Purple. Purple merely wailed and returned the glare, pulling on his own antennae wrathfully.
"It doesn't matter now, does it? You ruined it! I don't know how, but you messed up the can and now it won't work and-" Purple broke off with teary wail. Red's eye twitched and his claws tightened around the can he still held.
"Purple…I banned this stuff for a good reason. You were too busy fighting with the crew over it to ever do anything," he growled. Purple whined and glared at him.
"Well, I couldn't help it. It tastes really good on anything,
and you got rid of it," he sniffed, claws still wrapped around
his antennae. "How would you like it if I banned your
peanut butter, huh?"
"Purple…" Red growled
again, grip tightening further on the damaged Squirt Cheeze can. His
co-leader bounced forward angrily, relinquishing his grip on his poor
abused antennae to poke Red in the chest.
"No really, think about it! No more creamy peanut buttery goodness spread all over a bunch of fries, topped with a handful of mini-marshmallows. And I could do it too, just 'cause you made me give up my Squirt Cheeze. You know, I think I might…" Purple trailed off teasingly, though his antennae were still pinned to his head in agitation. Red's eye twitched.
"That's it!" Red yelled. Just as he made a move that might've started a fist-fight, however, he was stopped by a popping sound.
A popping sound and a bunch of something yellow. And cheesy smelling.
The Tallest looked around, both of them with confused expressions on their faces. The entire bridge was covered in a layer of thick, creamy yellow cheese-fluff. Technicians, equipment, everything coated in cheesy goo. The Tallest looked at one another, then down at the aluminum can. Half of the can had been blow out where Red's claws had pierced the thin aluminum. Slowly, Red turned the can over until the undamaged part faced up where they could read the words clearly printed in bold letters.
Warning! Contents under pressure. Do not puncture can.
"Well, it does say 'extra-large' can…" Purple said almost apologetically, glancing around at the carnage again. Red sighed and wiped a large glob of cheese off of his face. He sighed again as Purple gave him a pleading look.
"Fine," he growled. Purple squealed happily and pulled a package of crackers out of his PAK before doing a bellyflop into the pool of cheese. Red watched him swim around for a while, joined in the cheese dip by several of the technicians. Then he groaned and uncovered part of the control nearest him.
"Can we get some janitors here on the bridge?" Red said as he depressed the intercom button on the panel. He glanced around the room again before adding, "Maybe some janitors with a cheese fetish?"
The events in this story are based on a true event. I did have a can of squirt cheese. The can didn't work. I did get emo. The similarity ends there.
Yes, Purple purrs. Taken from a few sources. Get over it. Red also likes raspberry slushies and strange food combinations. And now a word from our sponser!
"Hey kids! Do you know what it sounds like to hit someone in the head with a can of Squirt Cheeze? No? Well, here's something you can do to give you an idea of what it sounds like! First, find somthing hollow and aluminum lying around your house, like a baseball bat or your dad's can of shaving cream. Next, go outside and find something hard, roughly the size of a head. Rocks work well, though you can use trees or your ex-boyfriend's car as a substitute. Then, bang your aluminum item on your hard item. Hear that ring? That's the sound of someone being beaned with a can! And now back to your regularly schedualed programming!"
The end. One shot, posible sequel involving Red and peanut butter. 'Til next time, yo'.