Heart in a Box
A tag for Song of the North
It had been a long day after an arduous mission in North Korea, but it had been a happy ending for the star-crossed lovers. It had been worth the risk. He considered himself a romantic at heart. Suggesting that they leave was just to lay the realities out on the table. He knew that none of them could leave that family behind. Billy was exhausted and wound up all at the same. A drink was in order before heading home so he went to the local hangout. At times, it was filled with more CIA operatives than just about any other government employee. He walked in and over to the bar. He scanned the room and hadn't expected to see Rick Martinez sitting in a booth, alone. He looked disheartened. Billy felt a pull towards the young operative. The last time he had seen young Rick that forlorn was after he'd been shot. He ordered his usual, a shot of Irish and walked over.
"Surprised to find you here," Billy said, interrupting Rick's deep concentration.
Rick looked up, his expression one of despair.
"Needed to be alone to think," Rick said.
"Is that a hint?" Billy teased softly, willing to leave if that was what Rick wanted.
"No, no, sorry, I didn't mean..."
Billy felt sympathy for him and decided to stay. He placed himself opposite him in the booth.
"What happened?"
"Adele and I, we had a fight."
"Is that all? Don't worry, lad. Things'll look better in the morning."
"Not so sure. I think she broke up with me."
"Thinking it doesn't make it necessarily so. I think you're overreacting."
"Maybe," Rick said unconvinced.
"What was it all about?"
"Strangely enough it was about dating."
"She wanted more?"
"No, I did," Rick admitted. "She said that she was worried that I could've gotten killed, that she didn't think she was strong enough -"
"To lose you someday," Billy finished.
"Yeh, I mean, the missions, they're part of the job -"
"Ah, but it's one thing to be your girlfriend, that's hard enough, but it's a whole other thing if she could send you to your death as your boss."
Rick's face came to realization.
"I never thought about it that way," Rick said.
Billy just smiled.
"Now you do."
"I feel awful now."
"Just talk to her, mate, reassure her. She just needs to know that you won't be foolhardy, like the rest of us are, that you know you have her to consider," Billy advised. "I promise you, it's all she needs to hear."
Rick nodded then let out a sigh.
"I'd trade my life for Adele," Rick said, definitive in the idea of dying for her.
Billy saw the sincerity in his eyes and smiled again.
"Love is a wonderful thing, lad. It'll make you do crazy things."
"Like Song and his wife?"
"What did I tell ya? Star-crossed," Billy said as he swigged his whiskey.
Rick watched Billy and saw something in his eyes.
"You said you try to keep your heart in a box. Funny, I never pegged you that way. What you did for Masha, for instance."
Billy twirled his shot glass in his hand then signaled to the bartender for another filled glass. He complied and brought it over. Billy took another quick swig.
"Leave the bottle, would you, my good man? Put it on my tab."
The bartender nodded and left the bottle. Billy filled Rick's glass as well as his own.
"I just gave her my flat and some company. Hardly a lifetime commitment," Billy said, trying to convince Rick of his superficiality and downplaying any emotional commitment.
"Now you're missing the point."
"Am I now? Well, why don't you enlighten me then?"
"You care, you try to do the right thing –"
Billy's expression became almost somber.
"Operative word there is, try."
"Well, we all try, but it doesn't always end up the way we want it. It's the trying that counts."
"Truer words were never spoken," Billy said pouring another glass and gulping it down. "Your point being?"
"You can't have a heart in a box and care the way you do."
Billy looked at Rick, remembering when he had been that young and idealistic.
"Are you talking about women or just the general population?"
"You know what I mean."
"Not sure I do, mate and I think it's time for me to call it a night."
Rick suddenly felt badly for pushing Billy. Clearly, he had hit a sore subject.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I just…" Rick said, the dejected look back on his face. "Seems to be my night for saying the wrong thing. Thanks for your insight into Adele and me. I'll talk to her tomorrow. I don't want to lose her. I think I do love her."
Billy watched the genuine emotion cross Rick's face and instead of leaving, poured another drink for himself. He felt empathy for the love that Rick clearly felt for Adele.
"It's all right, lad. You didn't say anything wrong. It's just that despite appearances to the contrary, I like to keep my personal life, well, close to the vest."
"I understand. It was none of my business."
Billy gulped down his drink again then stared at the glass. He had prided himself on being able to keep his past in the past, but he knew that when it came to missions that involved innocents like Masha and the Songs, their plights and fixing them in some way, as a team, was what gave the job and his life meaning. In the end, though, when he would go home alone, he would be reminded of all that he had lost and the emotions would come rushing back.
"When you and Casey talked about women you would die for…I made up Olivia Drummond," Billy said. "But I did take a bullet for a woman."
Rick understood how big a deal it was that Billy was confiding in him so he stayed quiet out of respect, giving Billy the choice to reveal more or not.
"I got deported for my efforts."
Rick's expression was of soft surprise and empathy. It seemed unfair that falling in love with someone could cause such destruction; of a man's career; of his alliance to his home country…
"And almost died."
Of his life.
"I'm sorry, Billy. Look, you don't have to-"
"I know, but I realize that if I'm going to continue imparting unwelcomed advice to you, I should at least be upfront with you."
Rick watched Billy pour himself another glass, but didn't offer another one to him. It wasn't an insult. Rick knew it was Billy's way of giving him a choice. He didn't want to drag him down into numbness with him. It made him realize just how deep the pain must run for Billy. To lose someone you loved to betrayal then to lose your country of birth, Rick couldn't even begin to imagine the pain that it must bring and yet, despite that breach of trust in his past, he had never seen Billy ever give less than fully committed loyalty to not only Michael and Casey, which wasn't a surprise given the six year relationship they had forged together, but also to him and he had barely gotten to know Rick. For him, it had been a testament to Billy's incredible capacity for compassion. He had seen it with Masha and with the Songs. Rick had appreciated the gesture and poured another one for himself as a show of respect in return. Billy downed the drink and Rick did too.
"I was working with British Intelligence like I said. I was filled with the same kind of idealism and patriotism that you possess…" Billy said mournfully. "I was ready to rid the world of tyranny single-handedly."
Billy had a sad mile on his face.
"Little did I know how close it was."
Billy's eyes went unfocused. Rick suddenly felt dread hit his body and he didn't know why.
"Siobhan was also an agent," Billy said, his eyes still unfocused. "Not surprisingly, after doing some missions together, we…fell in love…well, at least I did…I realized too late that the feeling wasn't as mutual as I thought. She was working both sides."
Billy poured another swig, but stopped just short of drinking it down. He put the glass back down on the table. He closed his eyes as if in pain.
"We were pinned down…I hadn't known that she was…" Billy took in a breath, his face riddled with regret. "I saw someone aim at her and I ran in front of her to protect her…or so I thought I was doing. The bullet hit me square in the chest. I went down…then…"
Billy fisted his glass until it shattered. It shocked Rick, as he ducked the shards. He watched Billy almost freeze, not even reacting to the cuts in his hand, the blood staining the table.
Flashback
Billy felt the bullet penetrate his chest, the pain searing as it ripped through his ribs, breaking at least one of them. He dropped down to the ground, every intake of breath like breathing fire. His eyes clenched open and closed, trying to regain some control over the pain, over his breathing, but failing.
He looked around frantically even though every move he made was agony and felt like he was driving the bullet further into himself. He couldn't see her and worried gripped him. He needed to know that she was okay before he lost consciousness, before he died. He wasn't sure which. His eyes searched and searched, the more panicked he became the more intense the pain and the harder it became to breathe. He felt like he was dying by a thousand cuts. Just when he found himself losing consciousness, he spotted her in his fading field of vision.
"Siobhan…" he gasped, relief plunging him more quickly into unconsciousness, perhaps death, but suddenly not caring as long as she was okay.
His vision cleared enough to see her standing over him with a gun pointed at him.
"I've got 'im," she called to someone.
Confusion filled him. Why was she pointing a gun at him? Whom was she calling to? He stiffened with more pain.
"Are you okay?" He asked, darkness tunneling in around him.
The last thing he had seen before passing out was a smile on her face.
"When I woke up, I was in hospital and they were telling me that I was a disgrace to Queen and Country…told me that I had let a double agent escape…you see, Siobhan had framed me."
Rick felt nothing but empathy for Billy.
"Next thing I knew, I was being told that I was no longer an agent for British Intelligence, that Siobhan had disappeared and that I was being deported. I had decided to head to the States and start a new life. I had nothing to hold me at home."
"I'm sorry," Rick said, trying not to sound like he was feeling pity for Billy just feeling remorse for his loss.
"Don't be sorry for me," Billy said, no accusation or recrimination in his voice as he extricated his hand from the broken glass. "Just learn from my mistakes."
Rick looked confused because the only lesson he could have gleaned from Billy's story was to never fall in love with a fellow agent and it was too late for him on that score.
As if reading his expression and his mind, Billy smiled.
"No, I don't mean you shouldn't fall in love or trust Adele, you dolt. Far from it. Love her completely and fully. You see, I didn't with Siobhan. I loved her, but I hadn't really trusted her. Mostly due to a character flaw, but it's also a casualty of doing the job. It doesn't have to be that way. What she did was to get back at me for not really trusting her. She was hurt. I hurt her. Was it extreme? Sure. A woman scorned, don't underestimate her, mate. Was she right?" Billy asked as much to himself as to Rick. "Yeh, to my mind, she was. I learned a valuable thing that day. Unless you have a real reason to distrust, don't give into it. Don't let the job carry into your personal life. Also, your mates doing the job with you, you have to trust them implicitly too. I trust Michael, Casey and you too with my life."
"But you don't really know me."
"I know enough, enough that counts. Don't lose that idealism, lad because once it's gone, it's gone for good. Take it from me," Billy said. "I've watched you. You have a good heart and a courageous soul. Trusting you with my life comes easily."
Rick was humbled by the compliment. It had meant so much since their awkward introduction was formed on distrust and earning their trust had been so important to him. He had wanted so much to belong, to be worthy of their trust. To gain that from Billy meant that much more to him because of the value Billy placed on his commitment to the work, to them and to extending compassion to others.
The bartender came over with a towel and Billy thanked him, told him that he would pay for the mess and any damages.
"Well, best be heading back now," Billy said, as he wrapped his hand with the towel, hissing with pain and took the whiskey bottle.
"Is that why you have your heart in a box? Because of what Siobhan did to you?" Rick asked, thinking he knew the answer.
Billy stood up then turned to look at Rick, his face lined with regret.
"No, because of what I did to her."
He then walked away and out of the bar, leaving Rick surprised. Billy had blamed himself for what had happened to her and inevitably to him. Rick hoped that he would find some way to show Billy that his trust hadn't been misplaced, that his advice to him about Adele would be the reason why they would last. Maybe that would restore Billy's faith. At the very least, Billy sharing the pain of his past had proven to Rick that he would trust Billy with his life without hesitation.
FIN Thanks for reading.