Candeh – So I've started a new story, and I hope everyone that read and reviewed for Bonding is reading this one. I also hope I can get as many reviews on that one as I did this one, but I highly, highly doubt it. I'm still so confused on how that one got so many. Thanks again for all your support on it, this one's for you guys.

Summary – The mystery years were always so…mysterious. Remus Lupin knows all about those years – those years underground with the werewolves, Fenrir Greyback, and trying to understand one Nymphadora Tonks. RLNT Please R&R

Chapter One –

Welcome to the Pack

Remus Lupin sat in a puke green chair in Number 12 Grimmauld Place next to Sirius and Mad-Eye. They sat in a circle that included one Nymphadora, Snape, Kingsley, McGonagall and Dumbledore. He sighed, running fingers covered in grey fingerless gloves through his brown hair and looked up to see Dumbledore looking intently at him. He sat up straight; embarrassed he had missed something and felt himself blush slightly.

"Sorry, Albus," Remus said, looking at his hands. "I was – I wasn't paying attention," he bit his lip, knowing how this must have sounded. Dumbledore was giving him a place to stay – with Sirius' permission of course – and was providing him with Wolfsbane and other necessities and here Remus was, not even paying attention at an Order meeting when Dumbledore was talking. He was about to add another 'I'm sorry' when he heard Dumbledore laugh friendly.

"It's quite alright, Remus, nothing to beat yourself up over," Dumbledore said, his wise, knowing eyes sparkling at him. Remus smiled mildly, his mind thankful to have such a kind person who cared about him. He hunched down, looking further into his lap, aware that everyone was staring at him. Dumbledore continued, "Are you feeling well enough to do a mission for me, Remus?"

Remus sat up straight, his face blank. "Of course, Albus," he said. Dumbledore's smile widened and he stood up. Remus felt a hard hand pat him on the back and he turned to see Sirius smiling at him. He smiled sadly back and then turned to Dumbledore once more to hear what it was he needed.

"As you know, Fenrir Greyback is in league with Voldemort," Dumbledore said and Remus winced at the name. Dumbledore noticed and stopped, "Remus, if you don't want to do this, it's fine. Just say the word."

Remus shrunk in his chair. Fenrir Greyback was the werewolf who bit him and made him a werewolf himself when he was only five. He bit his lip, but then shook his head. He was a part of the Order and it was his duty to keep people safe. He would do anything, "No, Albus, I'll do anything," he said. Dumbledore smiled approvingly.

"I'd like you to be my spy, if you don't mind. In order to do this, you'll need to go underground with them, live with them, earn their trust and then report back here to inform us of anything they've planned against us; anything Voldemort is planning against us. Do you understand?"

Remus nodded, pulling at his scarf. He knew that Snape was glaring at him from the corner of his eye and he scratched his neck. He certainly stood out between everyone else at the meeting. They al had on their best robes, or at least clean ones, but Remus was wearing the only clothes he had – gray fingerless gloves, a overly big light blue scarf that had patches which were hurriedly sewn running up and down it, a plain white, dirty t-shirt, ripped blue jeans and a dark gray overcoat to top it all off. He knew he must have looked like a homeless person, but he worked with what he had.

Dumbledore nodded, "You will start tomorrow." The meeting was dismissed and the members of the Order slowly starting rising out of their seats. Remus forced a smile and started to get up wincing in pain from last night's transformation, and a small hand landed softly on his shoulder. Remus turned to see Nymphadora Tonks smiling down at him.

"Sit down," she said, smiling, handing him a plate of food. He took it and raised an eyebrow at her, smiling kindly. He loved the way she moved, the way she laughed – and there it was. "Eat, skinny. You look like you haven't in a while. I can see your ribs through that t-shirt and your overcoat…which looks totally grudge by the way."

He laughed mildly and then looked down. Tonks put a hand on his hand and he thanked himself for putting on the fingerless gloves – they covered up all those scars. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about the two scars that ran across his nose, however, and he looked away, avoiding eye contact.

"Remus," she said, noting him look away with those sad yellow eyes that she longed for so much, "Remus, you don't have to do this assignment. Dumbledore would understand. He wouldn't want you doing something you weren't comfortable with – "

"No, Nymphadora, I owe it to him, and Harry…and you," he added. He saw Tonks blush, and then he looked away, knowing he could not have her. As much as he wanted her, she deserved better than him. He was a werewolf – he could not let her in that kind of danger, nor could he let her in that kind of life. What would people think of her if she were with him? He shrugged the thought away.

Tonks face brightened up, but her voice was sturdy. "It's Tonks, Remus. Tonks."

Remus smiled, "Oh, right, sorry, I forgot." Tonks could tell by his smile that he didn't forget and she punched him in the arm playfully. When he actually fell backward and clutched the spot she had punched, him, flinching in pain, she stood up and went over to him, her face full of concern. "Oh, shit, Remus, are you okay? Shit, I'm so sorry. I was just – oh, shit, I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

Remus laughed, rubbing his arm and then nodded reassuringly. "I'm fine, Tonks," he said, and then looked her in the eyes, which were still full of worry. "Tonks, I'm fine," he said again, laughing. Tonks smiled at him, assured, and then looked away.

"I'm going to…I'm going to miss you when you're gone, Remus," she said at last and then looked back into Remus' golden-yellow eyes. He nodded, looking down and then back at her. She felt a shiver go down her spine.

"I'm going to miss you too, Tonks," Remus said, "But I'll be back every few days." Tonks looked away, obviously trying to stop tears from forming in her eyes. Remus stood up. "Tonks, there's nothing to worry about. Don't cry over me I'll be back every couple days. Tonks, look at me, I – "

Tonks lifted her hands and cupped Remus' face, her eyes determined and suddenly stony, "Remus, do you love me?" Remus opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped, looking away. "Look at me, Remus. Tell me, do you love me?"

Remus looked back up at her. He wanted to say more than anything that, yes, he loved her. He wanted her more than anything, but he just couldn't. She was twenty-three and he was thirty-eight. She was whole and he was weak. She was healthy and radiant and he was poor, with no money at all, and worst of all, he was a werewolf. A danger to society at the full moon, and people looked down upon him. He couldn't subject her to that. She was too perfect. He bit his lip.

"N-no," he said, the words hurting himself as much as her as he spoke them. But Tonks did not believe him. The words were unconvincing and wary – cracking as he spoke them and he was not looking her in the eyes.

"Remus, don't lie to me," she said, her bubble gum pink hair falling into her heart-shaped face. "Don't lie to me. I can tell when you're lying."

"Nymphadora, I'm…too old, too poor, too…dangerous. You deserve so much – "

Tonks didn't bother correcting him on her name, instead, she leaned forward and grabbed him by the collar of his overcoat that hung heavy off of his skinny body and pulled him forward into her. "I don't care, Remus! I want you! I don't want anybody else, don't you get it?" There was a pause and Remus closed his eyes. Tonks spoke again, "Tell me. Do you love me or not?"

Her voice cut him deep. "N-no – "

She interrupted him and he looked away from her when he saw fresh tears that had pooled in her eyes streaming down her face. "I don't believe you," she said, her voice hard and persistent. He sighed.

"I can't, Nymphadora," he said. "I want to, but I can't. I love you, I really do, but…I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who can provide for you, someone who can protect you, not someone who can harm you – " he stopped short when he noticed that Tonks was not listening, that she was only staring at him with an angry face, biting her lip frustrated. "Nymphadora – I," he reached forward to cup her cheek with his hand, but she took his hand and threw it away from her.

"Don't – don't touch me, she said. Remus looked at her, looking as if someone had just hit him in the face. Tonks could not bear to look at him. She looked away, staring at the floor letting her tears fall on it and she saw him get up and walk out.

- - - - - -

Remus took a deep sigh, lifting his hands up leveling to his chest, then bringing them down as he exhaled to his sides. He was standing behind a tree, the werewolves along with Fenrir Greyback in front of him, oblivious to him standing there. He was sure that they could smell him – but there were so many werewolves there that smelling another werewolf would just be something they would have expected. He closed his eyes, mentally preparing on what to say, focusing on the main goal: earn their trust. With that, he stepped out to them, and they turned to see him. Fenrir Greyback stepped forward.

"Fenrir," Remus said, forcing his very best straight face to keep from remembering when he was just five and he had bit him. He pushed the thought away, "I – I wish to join you."

The werewolves around him laughed and a wicked smirk crept across Fenrir's face. Remus' face went pale. He remembered that smile – that smirk – that face. Fenrir was strong, with gray hair and what looked like an overly outdated aftershave. His gray eyes twitched mockingly at him as he stepped forward, grabbing Remus by the scarf and heaving him forward, lifting him off his feet. Remus' hands went to his as Fenrir began to choke him.

"What happened to being a 'good' werewolf, huh?" he said, the other werewolves laughed wildly. Remus struggled for air; Fenrir's grasp tightening with every word.

"I've – changed – my – mind," Remus managed to grasp out.

"And why is that?" Fenrir hissed, knocking Remus' body into the tree he had emerged from. Remus winced in pain and bit down hard on his lower lip, wanting nothing more than to be able to get some air that surrounded him.

"I – have – nothing," Remus said, remembering that Dumbledore had told him to tell Fenrir and the other werewolves that his life was too horrible and that he knew that Voldemort would help his life better – that if he joined Voldemort there would be no more prejudice. Of course, this wasn't true and Remus knew it, but he had to earn their trust – for the Order.

"And why should we believe you? I thought you were working for the Order?" Fenrir continued, his voice growling with anger at the mention of the Order, and his grip around Remus' slender neck tightened.

"Can't – breathe – "

"Answer me, Lupin!"

"Prejudice – better – life – with – Voldemort – " Remus said. Fenrir looked him up and down, the other werewolves doing the same. Finally, Fenrir released his grip and dropped Remus to the floor, coughing and sputtered on his knees and rubbing his neck.

Fenrir turned to the other werewolves as Remus continued to cough. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, his loud voice booming over the audience. "We must welcome our newest addition to the pack."

The crowd of werewolves erupted in cheers mixed with laughter as different expressions were tossed around above them. "But he is in the Order!" said a fat looking man in the middle of the crowd, pointing at Remus.

"They think I am spying on you, but I'm really spying on them for you. I'll tell you everything they say," Remus lied. Fenrir raised an eyebrow at him and Remus swallowed hard, hoping he was convincing enough. He held Fenrir's gaze and finally, Fenrir looked away. Remus sighed in relief as he turned back to the crowd.

"Remus Lupin here is one of my own," Fenrir said and the werewolves around him smirked down at him. "I remember when he was just five years old," Fenrir continued and Remus tried to block out his voice. He hated this memory. "His father had the stupidity to insult me and I told him that he would regret it. Of course, I so happened to come across his son, Remus here," he gestured towards Remus with a hand, "on the night of a full moon."

Fenrir walked over to Remus, continuing his story, then heaved him up by the collar to his feet. He wrapped an arm around him and pushed his body into the crowd where the werewolves surrounded him. Remus looked around wildly at their faces looking at him – laughing.

"Do you remember that night, pup?" Fenrir said, showing his sharp teeth. His yellow eyes were full of evil, along with the rest of the pack, but although Remus' eyes were yellow as well, they showed nothing but kindness – and that's what worried Fenrir the most. However, Remus was one of his own and he could not bear to stand the fact that someone he had bitten, someone he had turned, stand for the side of 'good'.

"Y-yes," Remus said.

Fenrir suppressed a small laugh. He looked at Remus for a while, and then said with a hint of a growl in his throat, "Welcome to the pack."

- - - - - -

Remus was asleep on a rather uncomfortable log when two big hands crept around his mouth and pressed down hard. He jolted up, his eyes springing open, but forceful hands shoved him back down and before he knew what was happening, Fenrir Greyback was leading him away from the rest of the sleeping werewolves and deeper into the forest.

Fenrir's grasp was held tightly around Remus' mouth and then a bulky arm wrapped around his entire body holding him still. Remus looked up at him, but Fenrir kept pushing forward until finally, he slammed his body up against a bulky trunk. Remus muffled a moan behind the hand.

"Tell me Remus," Fenrir said, the smell of flesh on his breath, "Tell me why I should believe you." His hand was still over Remus' mouth, so Remus took the hint that he was not supposed to speak yet. "Tell me why you're different then us. I can sense it."

The hand lifted from Remus' mouth and Remus scattered for words, "I've been with the Order, maybe?" it was the only thing he could think of on time and suddenly, Fenrir's big hand met with his skull and Remus slumped to the floor.

"Don't think that if you're lying to me, pup, that I won't figure it out sooner or later," he hissed. He bent down, his knees down levitating off the floor and balancing himself with his muscular toes. "Tell me – why did you decide to come here? To be honest, I wasn't expecting you."

Remus forced his best convincing evil smirk and looked at Fenrir through the tops of his eyes as he bowed his head, "I've learned that most people care about themselves lately. I've learned recently where my true concerns lie with."

Fenrir smiled a bit, "I knew one of my own would never stay 'good'." His smile faded. "What did they do to you?" He was now serious and he was growling at him, again holding him by the collar and pulling him into him, but Remus knew that he was not concerned about what they did to him, he merely wanted a story to back his assurance up on.

Remus looked down, "I've found that they don't care about werewolves – just about the safety of themselves," he said, each word paining him. If they could hear him talk right now this way, they would be crushed, but they all knew he was trying to stay in cover, they all knew of his mission. "I've been subjected to the prejudice of – "

"You are not looking at me!" Fenrir said, his voice rising. Remus instantly focused his gaze into Fenrir's eyes, his face blank, praying that he was convincing him enough, praying that he could somehow be of help to the Order, and not to let them down just by the simple defeat in bad acting.

Fenrir let the grip on Remus' scarf go and Remus staggered back, regaining composure and posture. Fenrir stepped forward and slapped him hard on the back and Remus tried hard not to wince as it collided with the slashing scars he had on his back.

"Had your father not been so foolish as to insult me, you would have never been bitten," Fenrir said, wrapping his arm around Remus and pushing him forward back to the place where the rest of the pack slept, their chests heaving up and down and looking as if they could all wake up at the slightest bit of movement.

"Yea," Remus said. Fenrir snapped around towards him, suddenly excited.

"Tell me, do the transformations still hurt?" he said, clutching Remus' shoulders tightly. Remus remembered his face and that same demonic expression hadn't changed. He swallowed hard and let his mind drift to the nights of the full moon – pain beyond description. He nodded.

Fenrir laughed.

"It doesn't hurt you?" Remus asked, one eyebrow rising up in disbelief.

"It doesn't hurt any of us," Fenrir said, pointing around. "One of the many things Voldemort has provided us." Remus inched back. "Of course, I need to be fully convinced you are not lying to me before you are granted any of Voldemort's specialties."

Remus nodded a sigh of relief. He didn't want to know what sort of thing Voldemort was doing to help them and he was sure that it was doing the exact opposite. He tried again, "I'm not lying – "

"It is for me to decide, pup," Fenrir said. "And I just want you to know, even though we've just had a quiet stroll in the woods," he paused and grabbed Remus' throat, letting him able to breathe. "If you are a spy…I'll kill you myself. Piece. By. Piece." As he spoke the last words, his grip tightened on Remus' neck and he found himself unable to grasp air. Fenrir dropped him to the floor and spun on his heels, leaving Remus on the floor amongst a pack of growling werewolves who had just been woken.

- - - - - -