It should have been obvious to everyone but apparently not. No one wanted to think that Draco would be anything other than a scheming Malfoy with gorgeous blond hair and tempting gray eyes. No one wants to notice the truth… which means that I am the only one witnessing it constantly. Draco's problem is like a bad habit that won't go away and yet the person with this disgusting sickness called addiction doesn't even realize it. No, this is too awful for words… because you see…
Draco has a flaw called love at first sight.
It happens to the best of us. One glance and you're smitten, it's a chemical that runs through the brain telling you that this person is so sexy and wonderful and interesting and just what you need in a mate that you don't even realize that those rose colored glasses have been cursed upon your vision until it's too late… usually when the chemical wears off or heartbreak arrives. So this… is perfectly normal, except it happens to him often.
There are several messages sent back and forth throughout the body, this year I took a Muggle class in order to earn the proper 'points' for my family. So when I got to this particular lesson I was intrigued. It was as though I had finally discovered the truth to a series of questions about him. Oxygen is a major part of it, along with brain memory. All of these different parts of your body combined causes this... so there must be a 'flaw' in the system for things to have gone this wrong.
The first time I witnessed it, he had fallen in love with Oliver Wood. God, true love really does look good on him so don't you dare ever take that away. Draco's eyes became round and innocent, his hands were loose and out as though he was about to run his fingers through something but there was nothing there. Draco's mouth was parted slightly and then his tongue came out to slide over his lips while his face had a delicate slightly red tinge to it. This was just seeing Oliver in his school attire, not even the whole Quidditch works yet.
Really, he must have been insane to think that he could have gotten Oliver to look twice at him but Draco really tried. He studied often and brushed up on his Quidditch knowledge, he practiced whenever he could. It was almost an obsession, something that he just couldn't stop until he had Oliver all to himself, but then the day came when he grabbed all his guts together and managed to tell Oliver how he feels about him. He looked so bright that day with his wild gray eyes filled to the brim with happiness. It was probably the most childish I had ever seen him. He was practically bouncing to the stadium to confess his love. It didn't take long for Oliver and him to begin talking but the response was clear and it took no genius to figure it out. Draco was rejected, and as soon as that rejection came he was out of it, no longer in love. It was like a curse had been put upon the aristocratic prat and made it so that he only loves until the relationship ends, but no, I looked it up, and it's not a curse.
"Are you alright Theo?" Pansy asked lazily from her loveseat by the fire. Her eyes were soft and musing with her hand under her chin and her hair curling gracefully around her face. Pansy doesn't know that Draco has this problem, and if she did it would crush her because he has never once felt that way about this woman. He isn't gay though, far be it for Draco to be a poof. No, he just falls for people at the drop of a hat.
There was a moment in time where he fancied Hermione and he hated himself for it, but then he followed her around some and got to know her, never once would he talk about his infatuations with anyone and never would the idiot Crabbe and Goyle bother to ask him why he follows her. No, he got away with it. He loved her until the day she slapped him. Draco never actually got around to confessing but once he was slapped it was a sure sign of rejection. This is good to know, I always make sure to keep facts like these on hand in case I ever need to save him from his latest crush. I call it a crush because that's exactly what it is. It crushes, destroys, and breaks him every time it ends... and each time it gets just a little bit worse.
"I'm fine." I smiled easily at her then pulled out my Potions homework. She seemed satisfied and went about gazing into the fire, sighing dreamily as she thought of her dear Draco, or perhaps she's thinking of the best ways to stake her claim without him noticing. Either way she's still living in her desperation for a man who will never love her. But Hermione and Oliver were the kid stuff. The older he got the harder the falls were in his romantic career.
The last one he fell for was probably the saddest sight I've ever seen. Getting up slowly from my seat on the wooden chair in the corner of the common room, I noticed Draco walking in looking a bit pale and his face seemed rather gray. "Are you tired?" I asked with the most bored expression I could muster. He glanced over at me and then scowled before stalking upstairs to his room. I smirked then. Since some Slytherins have come back to retake their last year, each Slytherin gets their own room with their own protective wards to help keep them safe from attacks if someone attempts it. Draco has been keeping himself locked up in his room more and more often.
It is probably because of Blaise. Draco made the mistake of discovering his dear friend Blaise, which resulted in a tragedy on my friend's part. Poor Draco didn't stand a chance and his love at first sight addiction nearly killed him. "You heading on up too?" a voice asked making me blink in surprise and look towards the entrance. There was Blaise, smirking in the shadows like some creep. I nodded and gathered up my books and started to go, but he would never allow me off that easily. No, he strode purposefully in my direction and leaned forward to where his face was close to mine, far too close actually. Dark eyes gazed into mine but I did not blink or make any motion to bring him closer or farther. Then my eyes narrowed in annoyance, "I'm not interested Blaise, in case you didn't notice, I'm straight." I hissed, even though it was a lie. He wouldn't know this by the way I had my shoulders straight and tall alone with my height bringing me up to be taller than him. He can't over power me unless he uses strength but he's always been against rape.
He backed off, the smirk was still there but he was taking a few steps backward this is progress, something he seems to finally be making lately. Yes, the sexy Blaise that Draco had fallen in love with is interested in someone else, and that shredded Malfoy. Now he can't stand me or Blaise although he still talks and has fun with his old friend. I have never been close to Malfoy even though I would prefer to be rather than the heartbreaking Blaise, the idiotic Goyle, and the slutty Pansy. I notice him unlike the others! My hands clenched around the books as I stalked upstairs to my room, feeling water rehydrate my dry eyes. Damn this world for giving Draco such a cruel curse. If only… it would land on me.
But no, it never will.
Walking into the Great Hall the next day I saw something that shattered my own heart. We were all walking into the room to eat lunch and avoid glares. Draco was at the end of course, and I was right behind him. When we entered the Hall, his eyes glazed, his chest leaned forward slightly as though he was trying to get closer to the being before him, and his fingers were out like he was weaving them through the boy's hair. Draco Malfoy has fallen in love with Harry Potter. How tragic will his life become?
Really… falling for Harry Potter? What a joke… what an absolute sin. How could this happen?
No one saw, not even Harry who merely sent a sympathetic smile in Draco's direction before sliding past to go to the courtyard. Draco seemed unaffected and began walking on autopilot to the table. He picked at his food for the rest of the meal, not paying attention to anyone and everyone else seemed to give him the same courtesy. No one wanted to bother. His blond hair was on his forehead, no longer brushed back into an obnoxious hairdo that only a rich prat would wear, no, Draco has become much more modest since the war has ended and one of his gang died.
The next week went on the same, Draco would stare, practically drool, and no one would notice. It was almost painful with how obvious his attraction was. Harry would be working on his Potions work, talking to an adoring fan, avoiding said adoring fan, and then staring out the window, daydreaming supposedly. It was dull and yet Draco watched as though fascinated. After a month I felt like I am watching the one you love dying like Narcissus did. It was terrible and yet oddly beautiful at the same time. But in the Great Hall today, Draco didn't look at Harry much, leaving me to wonder if he's finally gotten over it.
"You look weird today, Theo." Pansy smirked and looked me up and down before glancing at Draco. It was a smirk, sure but it was twisted and dark as though she was just waiting for her moment to pounce on me for even glancing at her love muffin. She's so disgusting. "Put your poof hands on Draco and I will kill you." Pansy said with a sweet innocent voice.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to." I answered easily and stood up to leave, just as Draco suddenly came back to reality. He looked at us all dubiously and then watched me leave with a look of annoyance before getting up and following. It took all the strength I had to walk straight ahead without glancing back, but I didn't knowing that my plan won't work if he sees me noticing him. No. I can't allow myself to be discovered that easily.
I'm falling apart I guess.
He started it though, Draco always starts it. That look of pure obsession and adoration for the one person he's hated most for over seven years… it's just ridiculous. He will never look at me after that. What the hell am I doing now? This plan means nothing except to free me from my chains and even then it will kill me to do it, because if I'm going to free myself then I have to play my part perfectly… and even the sudden twist where Draco falls for Harry won't even be enough to screw me over. No, it'll take more than that to ruin my plans.
I'm going to free myself, even if I have to break every bone in my body to do it, even if I have to destroy my heart.
Getting outside was easy, it's gotten colder lately so the students are mainly staying indoors but I like the cold, especially because of the privacy it gives. I took three steps outside when a hand landed on my shoulder, and of course I know who it is. Turning around I flashed a nervous smile in Draco's direction, although I'm not nervous in the slightest. He seemed confident as he stood there inspecting me with critical eyes, the eyes of a man sizing up his competition, but it wasn't as harsh as it had been with Blaise, and that infatuation lasted over a year. No, this is different. It's almost like a muscle memory of those times, not actually his intention. "Theo, can I have a word? You can pick the place we go to but this isn't a very private spot." He said with a look of disgust at the muddy front step and the moist ground. I nodded and began to lead him towards the Forbidden Forest.
When he was younger, Draco was terrified of this place but since the war, his fears have slowly drifted away thanks to how much he has gone through. He has become a man and now he must learn how to live like one, even with the prejudice of the world. Walking confidently by my side through the woods, we got to a small clearing where the Thestrals are. Draco blinked roughly in surprise then turned to me curiously. "Remember in fifth year when Hagrid was showing us something invisible saying only people who have seen death can see them? I raised my hand along with Potter and Looney. These are what he was showing the class." I informed him easily.
He walked slowly up to one, his hand trembling as he reached it out slowly towards a Thestral. Draco seemed entranced and in love, all at the same time and I felt as though… I was finally connecting with him. "They're disgusting aren't they?" He asked with a smile and grinned wider when the Thestral pushed its head into his hand lovingly.
"Very." I agreed softly and then looked at him one last time before closing my eyes, trying to keep this moment in my head forever while knowing that he will change the subject soon and destroy this precious moment between us.
"I think… I'm falling in love." Draco said slowly, almost as though he no longer had the capacity to form a confident sentence. I said nothing, not wanting to utter a sound. He shouldn't be telling me this, I planned for everything but this. Draco is finally reaching out for help but my plan is too important to back down now. Draco's gray eyes gazed at me in what looked like an almost sweet carress from a lovesick heart. Potter must really be something else to get him to look at an old enemy like this.
"Oh?" I asked with a light smile, keeping up appearances mostly. He ran his fingers over the Thestral and then looked at me once more.
"I think... I'm going to confess, but I'm not sure how the others will react. You're cunning, I know it, and sometimes it seems like you're even more so than me. Although right now that wouldn't be much of a compliment. So do you think you could help soften the reactions afterward?" He asked looking a little weak but still happy to be telling me about this. I nodded, then watched as he smiled at me gratefully and left. He's such an idiot. Why would he put something so important on my shoulders? But even so, I will do as he asks.
Once he was out of my sight, I fell back onto the damp grass and stared at the forest's canopy, not wanting to do this any longer. All I have to do is one thing... just one little scheme and then I will be free... but it's so much work. Too much work. Why on earth am I doing this? No, that's easy. I just want to be free, I want to be safe, I want to be fine. In order to do that I have to allow him to... yeah. I have to allow it.
I felt comfortable, and relaxed for once. Even the image of worms digging into my clothes or dirt getting all over my pants didn't bother me, instead I just allowed myself to be the size I am. I wasn't shrinking down for Draco or making myself larger than life for Blaise, I wasn't slouching to handle Pansy's threats or standing straighter to get force myself into focusing on anything but Potter. I'm just me. Tall, gangly, oddly shaped me. There is no one else here but Theodore Nott.
"You look comfortable." A voice said making me glance up. There is Potter, standing like a confident yet sobbing hero while staring down at me like an old friend. Someone needs to teach him to stay away from us pariahs, then again it could wind up helping his name. "Have you been upset lately? I've noticed you walking around with a frown whenever your friends aren't around." He said softly making me stand up and glare at him, becoming larger than life once more. I won't do it. I won't come inbetween Draco and the one he loves again. I just can't do it anymore.
"I don't like you, Potter. Quit trying to be my friend. Go talk to Draco if you really want to become friends with enemies this badly." I growled, hoping he would take my advice and go. Instead he just blinked in surprise before smiling, those bright green eyes twinkling. It reminds me of Dumbledore, in a way, and it would make sense if Draco liked Harry for that, but probably not. Harry Fucking Potter just needs to go die in a ditch somewhere or... or he needs to marry Draco and make their lives a romantic's dream. Something, anything, he just can't be here with me.
"I'm sorry to hear that. I really wanted to talk to you and get to know you better but now I know that that'll be much harder than one meeting. I guess... I will go now." He said, looking dejected. How funny to think that The Harry Potter looks like he might cry because I paid him no mind. Harry Potter stayed there for a while longer before finally seeming to give up hope and left. It didn't take me long to see why. Darkness was spreading over the horizon which means I'm late to dinner. I placed a hand against my hungry stomach but decided it would probably be better just to stop off by the kitchens later. I don't want to see Draco ogling Harry anymore. It's... gross. I don't want to think about it.
The walk was slow and tedious, no one was out and about thanks to the cold but that also meant that my body was trembling lightly, trying to keep warm but failing miserably without the proper attire. I should have thought this through. My plan hasn't been ruined by the two new variable which have entered within it. No, this has brought me a step forward. It was almost like fate, the way that Draco and Harry both visited me today, within minutes of each other. It was absolutely lovely. But also terrifying. He's moving on which is good. I don't have to play matchmaker to have my plan work. He will wind up with Harry and they will be happy together.
I just need Draco to move forward and have someone, then I can continue with my plan and get all that I need to live. I don't need love in order to live my life like Draco does, even if I did I wouldn't get the love I wanted, not with Draco falling in love every few weeks. The only thing stopping me in my plan to move on is the fact that I will have to do something that will make me miserable but also able to have all the grand decor I have been bred to be used to. I will have everything I could ever want except him. Which is fine. I don't deserve him anyway. I can be happy without him.
Besides, this scheme of mine has been going on for far too long for me to allow emotions to govern my decisions. Last year the ministry took away all that I have, all that most the purebloods have and since then I have been forced to used my cunning to give me some profit in the pureblood scare going on. For taking that Muggle class I have earned 500 galleons. I'm also helping Hermione Granger with her equal rights for all magical creatures. At the moment I'm anonymous except to her but if I continue to help and do a good job then I can show off as one of the prime executives along with one of the most passionate and convincing allies she has. This alone should earn me my house back. My parents will get none of the profit I earn from my endeavors. They deserve none of the gain, because they didn't teach me anything about the cleverness of our family, that honor lies with my deceased grandparents who, if they were alive, I would share my benifits with them in gratitude, but they're dead and I'm alive so I will have my fun living while I can.
My grandparents weren't kind people but they fought in the war on the correct side, they must have seen something that no one else in the Nott family saw then began fighting. For that alone my family has been able to live, not comfortably, but stably for a while. Once my parents let me go off into the world I will no longer recieve the welfare that the Ministry has given us so all that I am doing now will be my own way of living. If my parents and I hadn't hid in the shadows during the war then we could probably gain double the profits but sadly we stuck to the gutters, awaiting news of the war's end. No one has held this against us thanks to the 'Good' side winning but... if it was the other who won then my family would be brutally tortured.
No, I have been smart and will continue to do so. Even with the scare, not many have a desire to work with Muggle artifacts in the Ministry so that will be the career I pursue. My happiness can be damned for all I care. Surviving is the only thing a Nott must think about, before it was getting as high as you can, which in a way, I'm doing just that. But as of right now, survival is the most important. I can worry about connections later. If I get too close to Harry Potter then all the work I've done till now will be gone. It will be destroyed and the Ministry will think I'm plotting something evil and terrifying.
They want everything to be black and white so I'm going to keep myself as white as possible on the outside, no black smearings, no gray. I'm white, completely and totally white. Only... on the inside I'm black, I'm so black that the world might as well call me night. Because in the end, this is all for the gain. I don't give a damn about Muggles or doing good or caring about others. No, all I give a damn about is Draco and living. The only two things in the world that mean anything to me... and so I will die, married to Blaise and dying in a hole of my own rotten filth while my beacon of light is Draco's happy face as he lives in a dream. Yes, something as disgusting as me will never be compared to someone as perfect and untainted as him.
Maybe my pedastool for Draco Malfoy is a bit too high but who cares? He's the reason this plan even started, because the last part is to have him happily together with someone who will keep the blond close and never let him go.
Walking inside the dorms I crashed onto my bed, not even bothering to shut the door to my chambers as I slept. The exhaustion of thinking of your entire life goal while also once again just imagining losing the one you love... it takes its toll and makes you more tired than sex would. I dreamed... of losing the one I love on a time loop, forced to watch it happen again and again and again, before finally shattering the clock next to me.
"Theo? I know you told me never to come into your room without permission but I have some exciting news to tell you!" A gay voice beamed making my eyes open slowly before I blinked several times to get the sleep out. Blaise was looking down at me with the happiest expression I had ever seen. Obviously someone fed him some amazing gossip, or he witnessed it first hand. I frowned but sat up, ready to hear it.
He looked down at my crotch for one instant then glanced back up trying to regain his composure as he got ready to tell me the exciting news. His lips twitched and then he began. "Draco asked Harry Potter out! And guess what? The Chosen One said fucking yes! Holy shit can you believe this? They're going to be a couple now!" Blaise cried looking happy before blinking in surprise. "Are you... are you crying?"
I'm going to be fine...
I'm going to be just fine.