Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and its characters are property of Squaresoft. This fic is not-for-profit, just for wanking off. ;p
"Stupid," Zell said, shaking his head as he flopped onto his bed. "I can't believe Fuujin and Raijin are leaving Garden for that prick."
I took off my hat and jacket, casually laying them on Zell's desk. Only the second time I'd been in his home, I still couldn't believe how clean his room was. Guess he can use all that energy constructively, I thought, knowing too well all the ways Zell burned calories. I pulled out his desk chair, and straddling it said, "You mean Seifer?"
"Who else?" Zell snorted. "I don't get it - why the hell do they like him?! The guy's an asshole!" He punched his mattress, his fist bouncing off it harmlessly.
I shrugged. Seifer was an ass, no doubt about that; even as a kid he'd been a royal pain. But he'd had charisma back when we'd been at the orphanage, and though he didn't remember it, even Zell had been charmed into doing things for Seifer.
I couldn't tell him that, though, could I? Especially not now. We'd just freed Balamb from the Galbadian Army, and I'd seen how worried Zell had been the entire time for his mom and the place he'd grown up in. What was I supposed to do? Tell him the people he'd been defending weren't his real family, that he wasn't even from here? Oh, and let's not forget that in the handful of times we've fooled around, I hadn't mentioned a word about this? Yeah, right. I've seen how powerful Zell's fists are. I'd rather not be on the other end of them.
Besides, I thought with a mental sigh, it's better if they don't know about Matron. It's the only way we can defeat her. Every time I thought of the next battle against the sorceress, I felt like a traitor; I was betraying my childhood. I didn't want to inflict that on anyone else.
I guess I wasn't guarding my expression very well because Zell leaned forward, looking concerned. "Yo, Irvine - you ok?"
Dammit, I thought, resting my forehead on the chair back. I hate when I get bitter. Aloud I mumbled, "I need a vacation."
Zell laughed, but I could tell that his heart wasn't in it. Then he sighed, and I lifted my head enough to see him leaning back on his elbows, staring at the ceiling. "I think we all do," he said at last.
He was right; I could see it in all of us. Yeah, we were trained killers, but already we were getting tired of the fighting. Then again, I suppose a few months of constant battle would do that to anyone.
And they don't even know the half of what we're up against, I thought, envy, sorrow, and an aching loneliness flooding my mind. Lucky bastards.
It was hard enough fighting Seifer, who no one liked all that much to begin with. But what would they do, I wondered, knowing they had to defeat - no, no use softening it - kill our Matron, the woman who raised us? I envied them. I envied their ignorance, and I envied how easily they could just accept it all. Kill the sorceress. That's it. No sleep lost over who the woman really was, no need to question who she might be. Sometimes, like now, I wanted desperately to forget. But then I wouldn't lose just Matron, but my friends as well.
So next time we faced Matron, I'd fight by their side. I wouldn't let them down again. At least, that's what I told myself. Hadn't I said the same thing in Deling City though? And what a success that had been...
The silence stretched on. I could hear a clock ticking off the seconds in the hall. Mrs. Dincht and Squall were gone, arranging for emergency supplies from Garden to be delivered to Balamb. In a couple of hours Zell and I would join them to help transport goods to the townspeople. Normally I'd be enjoying this time off, but right now my brain wouldn't break out of its bitter thoughts.
Eventually I couldn't stand the quiet anymore, the horrible feeling of being alone even with Zell in the room. "I know why they did it," I said, my voice sounding too loud in the nearly empty house. "In a way, I admire them."
Zell's eyebrows drew together in confusion as he sat up. "Huh? What're you talking about?"
"Fuujin and Raijin."
"What about 'em?"
I lifted my left shoulder in a half-shrug. "I think I know why they're leaving Garden, following Seifer."
"And why's that?"
I laughed, fighting to keep the mocking edge of it muted. "Well, they're his friends, aren't they?"
Blue eyes blinked at me in puzzlement. I guess he'd been expecting something a lot deeper than that. "Yeah," he said, "But - argh!" He stood up and began pacing, gesturing wildly. "Why? He doesn't give a damn about them! He even left them behind, following his 'romantic dream.'" Zell's lip curled in a sneer. He had his own dream - following in his grandfather's footsteps - and to him it didn't seem nearly as harmful as Seifer's. Zell's dream involved harming others, part of the price of being a SeeD, but that hadn't occurred to him. I couldn't blame him; it was part of the way we were trained. You take care of your own, not just yourself, of course, but your team, too. It was that bit about 'teamwork' that Seifer didn't - hell, never had - understood. "The only thing Seifer cares about right now is himself and his stupid sorceress," Zell continued, echoing my own thoughts. I watched him wordlessly, knowing how he was feeling but unable to think of anything to say. Yeah, that's me, Irvine Kinneas - only a smooth talker when it doesn't matter at all.
Zell stalked over to his punching bag and hit it so hard it bounced off the wall and came flying back at him. Unconcerned he kicked it away, then pummeled it a few more times before grabbing it to stop its chaotic swinging. I wished idly to be able to do that, to just let go. In my own way, though, I was like Squall. I kept everything in, focusing it all on one bullet, or the words I turned over in my head before speaking.
"You're right, Zell," I said. "You didn't fight him in Deling, but you're right. He's not thinking of anything but himself and his sorceress. And frankly, he didn't look like he could think about anything but that." Zell shot me a glance, the look in his electric blue irises sharp. Seifer's eyes hadn't been anywhere near as direct, as clear, when we'd fought him. The green had been hazy, muddled even. "His eyes, Zell - you shoulda seen them. They didn't look right."
Zell scoffed. "That's no surprise. Seifer's never been right in the head." Despite his mocking words, though, he looked serious. He sat back on the bed and gave me a look to go on.
"I think Fuujin and Raijin know something's wrong with Seifer. So they're just doing what they can. They can't kill the sorceress without killing Seifer, so they're sticking by his side, hoping he'll snap out of it." I flicked my ponytail over my shoulder. Some distant corner of my mind was amused that I was defending Seifer. He'd been a selfish bastard even as a kid, but something was different this time. I didn't think I was fooling myself, either. "Besides, Fuujin and Raijin don't have a chance in hell going up against Edea. I bet they know that, too." I shuddered, picturing Squall lying on the ground near the parade float that desperate night. A spear of ice stabbed through his chest and blood pooling around his unconscious body; it still gave me nightmares.
Zell's eyes turned flat, seeing the distant horror of that night. His face looked grim, his voice raw with suppressed feelings. "Even Squall didn't stand a chance against her."
He was right, but I ignored the emotion under his words. I didn't need to be thinking about Zell's feelings for Squall right now - the nightmares he'd had about Squall dying, or how his eyes always lingered on our teammate. Instead I nodded and said, "They're no good to Seifer dead. So even if it means fighting us, they're doing what they know they can for him." I paused before continuing. "Wouldn't you do the same for the people you care about?"
Zell gave me a dangerous look. Yep, definitely on thin ice here. "What do you mean, Kinneas?"
I held up my hands defensively and leaned back in my chair. "Whoa, hang on. I'm not saying you'd invade Balamb or whatever. What I'm saying is - Let's put it this way. Let's say I lost my memory, forgot completely whose side I was on. Wouldn't you stick with me, hoping I'd snap out of it, trying to jog my memory?"
"There's a big difference between losing your memory and turning your back on your friends."
I didn't have an answer for that. Again he was right, and while I thought Seifer was being controlled by Edea, I honestly didn't have a clue what the hell he was thinking. But I could understand Fuujin and Raijin. Even though they didn't remember me, even though it meant firing a bullet at our Matron, I was sticking with my friends. I was just doing what Fuujin and Raijin were doing. And that was good enough, wasn't it?
'Good enough'? I thought in disgust. That's all I need to betray the only mother I've ever known?
Zell wasn't looking at me. He sat on the bed, glowering.
I sighed and stood up. I was vaguely hungry, and I didn't feel like talking about this anymore. It just depressed me. Nothing I'd said had brought even a glint of recognition in Zell's eyes, just more of his anger.
"I'm going to grab something to eat," I said as I walked past him.
Before I could leave, though, his hand darted forward and grabbed my wrist. "I don't like it," he said, avoiding my eyes. "I know what you mean, but I don't like it."
Then he pulled, and before I could catch myself, I tumbled onto him, pinning him beneath my weight.
His breath was warm on my skin, his voice nearly a growl as he spoke. "And I hate it, because you're right. I'd do the same thing."
"So would I," I said, my voice low in the otherwise silent room. Time had strangely slowed, even the dust motes in the slanting afternoon sunlight barely moving. I could feel my own heartbeat raging wildly, though, close in time with Zell's own quick pulse. "It means you're loyal," I breathed against his mouth. "I like that about you."
He smirked, then kissed me.
We'd fooled around before, but there was something different this time. Quiet desperation, a little bit of pent-up anger, and something else - something needful.
We squirmed out of our clothing, tossing it somewhere across the room. I ran my hands over his body, tracing each well-toned muscle with a familiarity I'd been more than glad to develop. Sweat sheened on Zell's forehead, but the rest of his skin was hot and dry, fiery beneath my nibbles and bites. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked my face back to his. His tongue was insistent on my own. Swept up in the urgency I began rubbing against him, our erections touching sending painful shivers through my body.
"Wait," he whispered, letting me fall back against the bed. He grabbed something from under his mattress and pressed it into my hand, then rolled over onto his stomach.
Lube. I looked at him, unsure suddenly. We'd never gone this before, though I certainly wasn't a virgin. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," he said, his voice deadly serious. That was enough for me.
It was slow, painful for him in the beginning, me trying to be gentle. It was familiar, too, our hands moving over slick skin, our bodies already familiar to one another. But it was more intimate that anything else we'd ever done. I knew this was the closest I could ever be to him, surrounded by Zell, the sharp citrus taste of him, the strength of his body grasping mine. As we moved together, in his sounds I heard pleasure and pain intermingled. The motions brought wave after wave of feeling sweeping through my body, and his low cries and moans dug sharply into my mind, cutting with pain only in my mind even as my body was consumed by pleasure.
With each movement I made, each sound I heard, a memory only I still held played in my mind: Zell building sand castles; landing his first punch on Seifer's nose; he and Selphie arguing over the last cookies Matron had made. Zell crying but trying so hard to look strong when he left the orphanage, holding Mrs. Dincht's hand. There wasn't any room for thoughts of Seifer, Fuujin and Raijin. Just what I knew. Just who I wanted to stay close to.
Each memory burned. It hurt, but it was beautiful, agony and ecstasy all rolled together. And at last I saw his eyes in Galbadia Garden, when I met them all again, blank and unremembering, hostile even.
And now those eyes...
The sweat had cooled on our bodies, crammed together on the twin bed, before I spoke again. "Why this time?"
He sighed and stared at the ceiling, his arms behind his head. "Because you're right," he said after a moment. "Because no matter what happened to you guys, I'd go after you. And because - " He rolled over, hiding his face from me. "Well, this is a war, right? Who knows what'll happen next?"
Awkwardly I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him against me. I wasn't good at this sort of thing, simply holding someone, but I was trying. I could see in his eyes what he was thinking; wondering what would have happened if we hadn't shown up, wondering if his family would make it through this. Wondering if next time we went up against Fuujin and Raijin, who else would be there to fight with them, how many people would die. "So you're taking what you can, while you can," I murmured, my lips brushing the back of his ear.
"No, I'm doing what Fuujin and Raijin are doing. I'm... doing what I can. Staying with the people I want to be with. You know," he laughed, a choked sound. "I had a romantic dream, too. It was pretty pitiful though."
I could guess what it was, and it wasn't following in his grandfather's footsteps. "You mean Squall?"
"Yeah. Except it's just that - a dream. Kinda like you and Selphie."
I smiled softly. I loved Selphie, loved her for who she was. And because of who she was, I also couldn't be with her. I guess I was afraid I would - I don't know, taint her or something.
"Seifer's never been happy with what he has, you know. But I don't think he realizes that some things are best left as wishes. 'Cause if that's all you're focused on, well, you'll miss something better." I didn't respond, instead keeping my body curled around his, bare skin on bare skin.
In a few minutes he was asleep, his face relaxed and making him seem so much younger. In sleep he wasn't Zell the SeeD, he was just Zell. The Zell from the orphanage, the one I'd missed more than I'd known.
I wanted to nap, too, but Zell's words kept me awake. Something better, huh, I thought. And if his memory came back, what would he think of me then? After deceiving him all this time, hiding the truth.
I guess I'd just have to do what I was already doing. Stay by him, even hurting as much as it did. There's no way in hell I'd leave him or the others, not after finding them again. Resting my forehead against his shoulder, I let myself relax, drifting off for a little while. Zell was still there when I woke up, curled against my side. At least for now, he was there.