Silly
I have to laugh.
Sakura has been in love with Sasuke for three years, and before that, she sought after his attention for four.
That's seven years total. She's fifteen right now, and her birthday isn't far. It amazes her that in a few months time, half of the life she has lived would, for the most part, have belonged to Sasuke.
Her only regret is how stupid she was by chasing after him like a puppy, all the while ignoring and hating Naruto.
Looking back at the time she spent with the original Team Seven, roughly a year, Sakura is able to see how much she transitioned in such an arguably short amount of time. It was during this time, this short period that seemed like an eternity, that Sakura knows she went from trailing after Sasuke's image to loving him. It was during this time, this eternity that was really only a short lapse, that Sakura was hit, rather painfully, with the realization that having actual use was preferable to fake superiority.
It was while they were taking the chuunin exam that Sakura had it drilled into her feeble skull that Sasuke didn't need, let alone want, a girlfriend to hang on his arm, dangling like some pretty accessory that spent it's time catching the sun's light.
What Sasuke needed was a capable teammate. A friend. Some one who was going to be there for him and support him when they were needed, who would know when they were needed. As she sat crumpled on the forest floor next to him, her clothes dirty and torn, with sweat rolling down her face and blood filling her nose and mouth, coating her teeth, Sakura nearly sneered in disgust. She had completely failed not only Sasuke, but Naruto and Kakashi as well.
Could she ever do anything right?
After the exams, Sakura's hair had been cut, and she never asked Sasuke out on another date.
Loving Sasuke has always been hard. She wonders if there will ever be a day, a time, where it won't be so painful.
Despite that ache she feels though, deep in her chest, ready to burst, Sakura knows that she's always going to love Sasuke. Whether it's painful or not. It's all she knows anyway, and Sakura sees things and knows things about Sasuke that no other woman...girl, does. Things his mother might have known, or would have known if she were still alive. Sakura knows that at least from a woman's point a view, she is the only one who can truly see Sasuke for everything he is.
Sakura enjoys being alive, she always has. More than anything, she wants to share the gift of that mindset with Sasuke. She wants there to be a day where he is happy to have woken up and be breathing. Simply to be alive. Not where he is calculating, plotting, living vengeance and murder and hatred.
However, and she has failed to mention it until now, possibly, possibly loving Naruto has always been easy. If only because his smiles assure her and she has never had to earn anything he gives her. As long as she loves him and protects him, the road is smooth, and the ocean is without waves. It's so easy because how could she not love him, and protecting others, especially those she loves, has become second nature to her. For once there is nothing that needs to fixed.
It's all so easy.
Even if she is only fifteen, Sakura is tired.
Despite being tired, she is in actuality quite young, and she doesn't have time to wait. She has too much life in her; so much she still needs to learn and accomplish and experience. She has so many, maybe too many, dreams.
That, admittedly, she has been deluding herself about more and more lately. After all, becoming Sasuke's wife and filling a house with children, definitely should not be on her to-do list (but it is).
A life with Naruto, in a pleasant, little house with two sweet children just sounds so perfect and ideal. When she pictures it, she feels contentment wash over her.
A life with Sasuke though, in the desolate Uchiha complex would be quite different. Eight children, she pictures, and as they were born her life would become more and more hectic. When she imagines it...she feels fulfilled.
That, she believes, is the difference between the two scenarios. To be content or to be fulfilled?
The mere thought of being married to Sasuke, makes her chest clench, and her heart ache with hope. She claims to have tossed aside such nonsensical thoughts two years ago, in favor of bringing him home safe and sound. In favor of protecting him. She knows, deep down though, that she will never aimlessly toss away those dreams or that overwhelming hope.
Even if she were to end up running a quaint house and caring for two blue-eyed babies.
Sasuke is just too important. He means too much. Sasuke could never just be her colleague, never just be her friend. There will always be something so much more binding than that, something so much more delicate and deep and special.
Naruto has increasingly begun to worm his way into her thoughts though lately; to get underneath her skin. It scares her. She doesn't want to feel that sort of bond and obligation to Naruto that she all ready has with Sasuke. It would be too conflicting, and despite her physical strength, her heart wouldn't be able to take it.
Of course, she could always choose the easy way out. The dynamics of Team Seven are nothing to be mishandled though, and anyone who has been part of it knows this. Not that they always care.
She doesn't make a decision though. She tells herself she still has time, and does the safest thing instead.
She looks out for her team, and continues to learn. Doing whatever she can to aide Naruto in bringing Sasuke home, where he belongs.
She continues to love and support Sasuke, regardless of where he is and what he has done. She keeps her worry of how much fixing he will need when they bring him back at bay. She has to do what is best for him now, the future doesn't start for another second.
Sakura does not know what the future hold, and when she takes the time to dwell on that, it's intimidating. She is uncertain of what she wants in life, and somehow she has begun to hate finality. She used to love finality. Final. Marriage vowels. Forever. Little girl dreams. Silly.
She is anything but a little girl now. She can no longer believe, or even convince herself, that there is no wrong in the world, and she is far too smart to live in denial. Denying the truth if foolish and petty and...safe.
It's protection. If you pretend to not to acknowledge something, to ignore it, maybe, just maybe it will leave. The pain will stop, and you will heal.
Absurd!
Tired of all the games, Sakura chooses to embrace only one truth for the time being: she loves her boys and that is that.
She wants to be strong. She wants to be honest. She wants to do right by others. Most of all, she wants to make them happy, in whatever way she possibly can.
That may be the silliest part of all.
AN: I appreciate your time, dear reader. I'd really love it if you left a review. Edited 3/26/09.