You enter, to see a plain wooden room. You aren't sure how you got here, or what door you came from, because it's gone now. A brunette with just longer than shoulder length hair, narrow brown glasses, and a friendly smile nods in your direction.
"Hiya!" she calls brightly. "I'm She Who Shines. I'd ask your name, but you'll find that you can't quite reply at the moment."
About now you realize that she's right. Your lips won't move, and you find that your body isn't even under your control. Your eyes glide over the room involuntarily, and a single armchair sprouts out from the plain wood floor. You find yourself crossing the room and sitting most quickly. The chair, though it appears nicely cushioned, feels exactly like the chair you happen to be sitting in.
She Who Shines bows, and smiles again.
"Welcome to Q&A. I've temporarily brought you to this room so you could enjoy the show first-hand, provided your imagination is good enough. You'll probably be ignored for the most part, but the minute you drop a review with your Qs (questions) I'll speak on your behalf to the characters, and they'll give you the As (answers)."
Your face shrivels in confusion, and She Who Shines glances around in understanding.
"Yes, well, they've yet to arrive. I think it's about time that that happens, though, don't you?"
She Who Shines reaches into a pocket on her fuzzy sweatpants and pulls out a remote. She fumbles with it for a few seconds, grinning apologetically at her clumsiness, and presses a big black button. Your head snaps up, and a black and yellow figure tumbles out of a trapdoor in the ceiling. He somehow manages to land in an agile crouch, and the next thing you know he's standing directly in front of She Who Shines with a curious, tilted head.
"Hi. My names Teatime; what's yours?" he asks softly.
She Who Shines takes a step back, but doesn't manage to get any further from him. Her face furrows worriedly.
"Um, hi, Mr. Teh-ah-tim-eh."
"Oh, why thank you for pronouncing it correctly. So many people – "
"Call you tea-time. Mmmhmm," she says with a nod, taking another nervous step back just as successfully.
"You are certainly well informed," Teatime observes, his terrifying eyes boring into her. "Where am I?"
She Who Shines surreptitiously presses a button on her remote, and a duchess dressed in black plops onto the ground in an unceremonious heap.
"Where the blazes am I?!" Susan calls as she pulls herself to her feet and dusts off her skirts. "YOU!" she calls again, pointing darkly at Teatime.
It's a blur, and then you see a red starburst spreading across Susan's black bodice. She stares down at her bleeding breast in shock, then looks up at the grinning Assassin. His useful little dagger is up besides his cheek, dripping red blood.
"What'd you go and do that for?" She Who Shines sighs.
"I couldn't have her go and kill me again," Teatime explains. "That'd be sloppy. I made the mistake of keeping her around last time. I'm not going to do it again."
Susan makes a slight choking sound as she glares at him, when her chest suddenly knits itself back together. Teatime looks like a little boy whose candy was stolen just before he bit into it.
"So you can't be killed, can you?" he sighs.
"Oh no, she can. But not here, and not now. We haven't even gotten to the Qs yet!" She Who Shines explains.
Susan steps forward and aims an expert punch at the Assassin. She Who Shines considers protecting him as well, before realizing how silly she's being. Teatime ducks in a black blur, somehow standing up directly behind the duchess. He looks terribly amused, and clicks patronizingly.
"Haven't you learned, Susan? You simply can't hit me unless it was preceded by psychological warfare. Though I think I've set up some defenses now." He smiles charmingly. "I've learned from my mistake."
Susan looks like she's about to growl.
She Who Shines presses her remote again, and another black figure tumbles from the ceiling – landing in much the same manner as Death's granddaughter. Death picks himself up off the ground and glances around.
OH. IS THIS A PARTY? SUSAN, WHY AM I IN THE COMPANY OF ONE GIRL, ONE DEAD ASSASSIN, AND YOURSELF?
"I wish I knew!" she calls angrily, throwing her arms up into the air. She feels a sharp pain, and glances down to see the tip of a knife coming out of her chest again. Only this time, Teatime stabbed her from behind. She whirls around and throws a punch directly behind her, wishing desperately for a poker. Or really anything metallic and heavy. Lots of brutal thoughts go through her head, but again, Teatime eludes her.
"Oh dear. This is certainly annoying. Normally, when I inhume someone, they die."
"Normally, when I kill someone," Susan growls, "they stay dead!"
"You've killed someone before me?" Teatime asks curiously. "I'm surprised. I thought you were against such things. I assumed from what I saw you were one of those noble people, aren't you?"
Death coughs awkwardly.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WHERE AM I?
"Oh, I'm sorry!" She Who Shines apologizes. "I just love watching Susan and Teatime fighting one another. I'm a real T/S shipper. I kind of ignoring you. But you're definitely one of my favorite characters, and I totally love you, so please don't take it the wrong way!"
"What?" Susan calls. "Did you say 'T/S shipper'? What is that supposed to mean?"
She glares at She Who Shines, hands on her hips. Teatime watches curiously, twisting his knife between his fingers. Death isn't quite sure what to do, so merely keeps an eye (or rather, trains both of his eye sockets) on Teatime.
"Um..." She Who Shines glances around nervously, beginning to realize that she probably should have kept her big mouth shut. "I think that you and Teatime becoming romantically involved would be epic?" she manages.
Teatime tilts his head.
"I admit that Susan is most definitely intriguing, but I have no interest in romantic interludes."
His words are overshadowed.
ARE YOU BLOODY CRAZY?! Susan shrieks.
"Probably a little," She Who Shines admits sheepishly. "Look, everyone, I've kidnapped you from your respective stories, and now I'm going to ask you all questions that other people will enter. I warn you now, that whatever you try, I'm in complete control and am all powerful here and now. I'm the author. If you don't believe me, just look at Susan here, who is still alive even after being stabbed by Teatime of all people.
She Who Shines finds herself nose to nose with the craziest Assassin ever to breach fiction, his knife cold against her neck. She realizes that at this moment she is incredibly excited, and questions her own sanity before assuring herself that at the very least she's better than Teatime is. She stills her racing heart at being confronted with her worst fictional fear, and reminds herself that she is the author.
"So if I killed you, I could kill Susan?" he asks softly. "Or is there a flaw in my logic? Please do tell me. I'm always happy to be corrected."
She Who Shines gulps down her fear.
"You can't kill me."
She feels remarkably pleased with how defiant and brave her voice sounded. She doesn't feel defiant or brave.
"I find that rather hard to believe," Teatime whispers darkly. A second later he glances at his knife, his face furrowed in frustration and surprise. A slow smile spreads across She Who Shines's face, as the Assassin finds that his wrist simply won't make the proper motions. You realize that this must be quite similar to the current body bind you yourself are under.
"Alright, we've got everyone of consequence besides Albert, Mr. Teatime's lackeys, and the Unseen University Folks. Oh, and Billious and Violet. I'll just drop them through the trap door when someone asks them a question. I'd thank you all for coming, but you really didn't have a choice so I don't see the point," She Who Shines explains. "Well, welcome to Q&A, the talkshow where reviewers quiz you. Please refrain from killing one another."
Teatime is still trying to get his wrist to move and slit her throat as she turns her head and looks directly into your eyes.
"Have you any questions for Teatime, Susan, Death, Medium Dave, Albert, Banjo Lilywhite, Mr. Sydney, Arch Chancellor Ridcully, et cetera? Well now's your chance to ask 'em! Just leave a review, and I'll speak on your behalf. Thank you for coming, and I hope you enjoy yourself. I know I certainly will."
Teatime is across the room now, doing something that really couldn't be described as anything other than sulking. She Who Shines, if she weren't the author, would be feeling very, very worried, as it was plain that he was planning exactly how to inhume her in the most brutal way possible. She probably should be anyway.
"You let me back this instant," Susan says at last.
"No! The fun's only just begone," SWS protests.
"Fun!?" the duchess calls in confused anger. "This is your idea of fun?! Locking yourself up with a psychokiller, a skeleton, and a woman who if she had a poker would skewer you with it?"
"Not just any psychokiller," SWS corrects, raising a finger. "THE coolest psychokiller ever to grace fiction. The wittiest Assassin I've ever read about. The scariest fictional character besides Sylar, who is just too darn brutal, but even somehow Teatime manages to scare me more he does." Then she grins, "But yes, this is my idea of fun."
UM, Death says, feeling a little awkward and out of place. ARE PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO FIND THAT SORT OF THING FUN?
"NO!" Susan yells angrily.
"You think I'm scary?" Teatime asks, raising his gaze up from his knife.
"Oh, definitely. Truly terrifying," SWS agrees with an emphatic nod.
"Huh. I'm glad to know that I succeed there."
"You don't scare me, Teatime."
"Teh-ah-tim-eh," SWS and Teatime correct automatically.
SWS realizes that she's being a real idiot. But oh well. What else is fanfiction for?
"Anyhow, REVIEW your questions so the games may commence! I got this idea from someone else's Phantom of the Opera fic, so it's not my inventions, but I hope I do the characters justice and to entertain you while I do it," SWS says, looking into your eyes once more.
About now you find yourself in front of your computer again, your mouse suspiciously hovering over the 'review' button...