A/N: This idea sort of just came to me randomly and I felt like writing it down. I've always wondered what would happen if the characters of Harry Potter and Twilight would meet. This is purely humorous and no offence is intended towards the Twilight Saga and anyone associated with it. I also have nothing against American accents, nor their way of speech- in actual fact I love trying to speak in an American accent! As always, I don't own the wonderful world of Harry Potter and neither do I own The Twilight Saga. I plan to make this a multi chapter story, so if anyone has any suggestions on who should meet who from each respective world, let me know. And if you like, you know what to do…leave a review!
The war is over. Finished. Everywhere, people are starting to rebuild their lives and homes. Families try to make themselves whole again and move on from the losses they have incurred. People deal with grief in different ways. Some weep and cry their hearts out. Others stay in denial. But though a curtain of sadness is hanging over them, a soft blanket of hope and optimism envelops them all, and they start to forget the miseries of war and instead look forward to the new dawns of new days that bring only happiness and trivial, ordinary pains.
Hermione Granger is one of few people who go back to Hogwarts for their seventh year. Once she has completed her life at Hogwarts, she feels compelled to go to a Muggle university to experience an apparently important part of life- after all, it is said by countless Muggles that university days are the best days of your lives. And so Hermione, who drags along a resigned Ron and a reluctant Harry, finds herself and her two friends standing on the doorstep of an Open Day at Cambridge University, rumoured to be one of the best in Britain.
They walk around for a bit, and after a while, Ron and Harry, being the hungry beings that they are, decide to go and find something to eat; Hermione likens them to Scooby and Shaggy from some muggle cartoon show and leaves them to it, choosing instead to spend her time exploring the building further. While she is in the Department of English, she notices a rather pale girl slumped in a seat, the life seemingly sucked out of her. Hermione makes her way over to the table and politely asks the girl how she is.
"Hi, I'm Hermione. Are you okay?"
The girl slowly blinks her eyes and focuses on Hermione.
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine." she says.
"You don't really seem all that well." Hermione comments, eyebrows raised.
"No, I'm fine. Who are you, by the way?" the girl asks, mustering up the effort to put some life into the conversation.
"The name's Hermione. Hermione Granger. And you are?"
"I'm Bella. Bella Swan." she says, in a tired voice. "But I'm gonna be a Cullen one day. One day." she says, manic hope lighting up her eyes.
"Bella Swan. The name sounds familiar." Hermione says wonderingly.
"Oh, yeah, like, some woman wrote about my life story and like, published it on Facebook. Just cause my boyfriends like, into eating unusual animal meat, and like, wears a lot of jewellery cause he's a bit emo, she thinks its okay to like, stalk me, and write about how my boyfriend sparkles. I mean, he wears chains, not freaking diamonds!"
The girl says this very rapidly and quickly; Hermione guesses from her repeated use of the word 'like' that she is American.
"Oh. Okay. Erm, are you from America?"
"Yeah, like, I live in this place called Forks. Like, my boyfriend wanted to come here to study, though. I love Forks, though. And, like, a few kilometres down, there's a place called Knives. That town rocks. Two words- total cannibalism."
"Oh. That's…unusual." says Hermione, a little freaked out. "So, where is your boyfriend?" she continues, mentally trying to calculate a way to get away from this insipid freak of a girl.
The bland girl looks at Hermione, her eyes full of panic.
"Holy crow, I can't find him. Where is he? Oh, my god, he's left me. Again. AGAIN! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I need him. I can't live without him. Its like, there's this big hole in my chest and nothing can fill it again. Except for my other friend, this guy who's a little psychotic and acts like a dog, but that's like, a condition he has and it's like, incurable. He helps heal the pain. But it's not enough." she howls.
"Erm, I'm sure he's around here somewhere." says Hermione, ushering the girl to be quiet, for her voice has risen in both volume and pitch and is attracting a large number of onlookers.
"Oh my god I like, need him. I can't even breathe without him! Eddie! Eddie!" Hermione looks on in horror and embarrassment as the girl curls up on the floor and assumes the foetal position. Hermione quickly squats down to the floor and heaves the girl to the toilets before she can make a bigger fool of herself.
"Okay, I guess you have detachment issues. Are you okay, though?"
The girl sobs hysterically. "No. There was this time where he left me and left my life and walked out on me, and like, I don't know, like time used to pass, and like, each tick of the second hand ached like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. And it used to pass, like unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it still passed. And like, my dog friend, he helped me get out of my depression- he was like this earthbound sun and like when I was within his gravitational pull, he would warm me. But then, like, he left me too and then my boyfriend came back cause like, he thought I was gonna kill myself and like, he almost killed himself, so I had to go rescue him and like, he thought he was in heaven, and then, like, some Italian gangster mob called the Volturi came after us and we had to run back to Spoons- I mean Knives- I mean Forks- and since then I've been begging him to sleep with me but he's too focused on college and marriage." Bella says the last word as though it is a disease.
"Sorry, let me get this right. The reason you're screaming like a complete banshee is because your boyfriend left you?" asks Hermione, incredulous.
"He didn't just leave me! He left for a stupid reason- because his family couldn't stand the sight of blood and his brother even got nauseous every time he saw ketchup. And it hurt so much. I mean, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in LOVE with him!" she wails.
"But still, he left you, and you just curled up in a ball and cried?" asks Hermione, astonished that someone could do something as stupid as that. "No offence, Bella, but you're a little bit pathetic."
The albino glares at her. "Well, what would you have done if your boyfriend left you?"
"Well, actually, my boyfriend of about two years now, Ron, walked out on me once, and I was in the middle of searching for the Hallows- I- I mean a drugs raid- and he just left me with my other friend, Harry, who's like a brother to me. And I almost got killed and I missed him terribly but I had a job to do and I got on with it." says Hermione matter of factly.
Bella simply stares at Hermione for a moment, and then resumes her crying, rolling around on the floor of the toilets, looking quite like a demented banshee. Eventually she splutters a few words.
"You were in a drugs raid?" she says sceptically.
"Erm, well it was actually my dad- he's a police officer- and we sort of tagged along."
Hermione crosses her fingers and hopes that the girl will believe her. Bella doesn't seem all that bright to Hermione anyway.
"Oh, that's like cool. Like, my dad's a police officer too."
"Lovely. So, what are you thinking of doing if you come to Cambridge?" asks Hermione, finding hope in the fact that the girl has stopped nattering on about her boyfriend for the first time since she met her.
"Oh, English, probably. I'm like, no good at math. Science isn't bad but like, I'm not all that into it. I thought of doing Medicine for a bit but like, I decided against it."
Hermione nods, showing her understanding. Finally, she could maybe have a stimulating academic conversation. It was of no use talking to Harry or Ron about academics, they groaned every time she brought the subject up.
"I quite like English myself. I'm not really interested in Science myself, although it does intrigue me how people find new solutions and cures. Oh, and laboratory work is great too."
"Yeah, like, I used to like lab work too. Like, I met Edward in Bio."
"I'm sure you did. So what are else are you inter-" She's cut off by Bella, who has started to blabber about Edward again.
"Yeah, like we were doing genetics and stuff, and like examining stuff, and like I said anaphase then he said telephase then I said interphase-"
"I get it." Hermione cuts her off. "You got with your boyfriend in Biology class. Can you not bring yourself to shut up about him for one minute?"
"God! Like, no need to get all pissy with me! Just cause you can't get a boyfriend like Edward. And you might wanna watch your mouth, like my dad could Taser the crap outta you." Bella says hotly.
"I would beg to differ- I'm sure Ron is better than Edward in so many ways. And I think you're the one in need of Tasering, especially with the amount of rubbish you've just spooled in the last five minutes. I thought Ron had the emotional range of a teaspoon but gosh, you're even worse!" Hermione scoffs. She continues in an American accent for effect. "Oh, and like, by the way, if, like, your boyfriend has, like, loads of chains around his neck and like, auburn hair, I think he just walked upstairs with his hand around, like, some blond chick. Like, I guess each tick of the second hand is gonna ache like the pulse of blood behind a bruise again."
Bella narrows her eyes and glares at Hermione. "Like, if you think you can get away with that, just you wait an-"
"Wait and see? I'd love to."
"At least I don't have bushy hair like you, bitch!" Bella yells, desperate to insult Hermione.
Hermione rolls her eyes.
"What a mature comment." she snorts.
She walks away, thankful that she doesn't have to talk to that sorry excuse of a girl a second longer. She hasn't been through an entire war and come out alive just to listen to the pathetic wails of a hormonal girl. Hermione walks out of the toilets and the door shuts with a snap, leaving Bella Swan to cry pathetically over a boyfriend who, at this moment in time, has bumped into a certain Ronald Weasley.