"He's been in there a long time," the Archchancellor of Unseen University said to Ponder Stibbons, the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magics. "What the devil is he doing?"
"He's, um, consulting Hex," Ponder said. The Archchancellor always made him nervous.
"Consulting him? About what?"
"About his cold."
"So that thing thinks it's a doctor now?"
"Well, Adrian and I did load a new batch of information into Hex, Archchancellor, and one of those programs was Dr. Lawn's book Simple Diagnoses and Remedies for the Common Man. Or ape, as the case may be."
"And what does he do?"
"All he needs to do is tell Hex his symptoms, and Hex checks it against the database - that is, the information already in storage - and comes up with a diagnosis and a course of action. I think it even recommends specific formulas available at the apothecary."
"How does it understand him? All he ever says is 'Ook!'"
"Yes, we've also added a comprehensive orangutan dictionary."
"How comprehensive does it have to be for one word?"
"But you see, Archchancellor, it turns out that the orangutan language is actually quite complex. A lot depends on tone of voice, length of the vowel sounds, and even body language."
"But that thing can't see his body language!"
"Actually, Archchancellor, it can now. We've, um, made some additional modifications."
"What sort of modifications? And where'd the money come from, eh?"
"It was actually quite simple, Archchancellor. See the spyglass at the top of the machine there?"
"Looks a bit worse for wear."
"We found it in a secondhand shop, actually. Weren't sure if it would work with some of Hex's more complicated hardware, but once it was installed, it seems to be working just fine. I call it the visual interface."
The Archchancellor's eyes had glazed over, and Ponder wondered if the man had heard a single word. Must remember to keep it simple, he reminded himself.
"Anyway," he said, "we thought we'd let the Librarian test it out. Get all the bugs out of it, so to speak."
"Can't you just spray it with something?"
"No, Archchancellor, I don't mean actual insects, it's a technical term for -" He gave up when he saw that Ridcully was starting to lose interest again. "Never mind."
"So he talks to it and it somehow knows what he's saying?"
"It seems to. Oh, look, he's got the diagnosis."
The Librarian tore a long strip of paper out of Hex's innards, looked it over, and nodded. Then he wrapped a long striped scarf around his neck and made for the door.
"Where's he going?" Ridcully asked.
"Presumably, to the apothecary. For the remedy."
"You mean it actually works?"
"Yes, Archchancellor, it works."
"Unbelievable! What does it do for an encore, brain surgery?"
"Actually, we're working on a modification designed to -" Ponder began, but he saw the look on Ridcully's face and said, "Never mind."
He'd have to explain to the Archchancellor about Hex's new artificial extensible limbs some other time.
Author's note: tell me you weren't thinking this same thing when you saw that commercial!