This is the first chapter of what I'm envisioning to be a 3 or 4 part story. I'm not sure exactly where it's going, but I was angry with the direction Glee took after the Sectionals episode, and wanted to try my hand at writing what I think should have happened :P
Lots of eating disorder talk- so if that sort of thing triggers you, maybe skip this story.
Title is from the song 'Be Ok' by Ingrid Michaelson.
Marley slumped her body into her chair at the kitchen table. What happened at sectionals tonight was a nightmare. She'd never felt happier or more a part of something than when she first joined glee club, but now it was all over.
The competition and the drama that unfolded after their performance was all a blur. But she did remember isolated images of her friends' faces. A reel of scared, disappointed, and angry faces played on constant repeat in her head. Even though someone force-fed her a juice box - was it Jake? Ryder? she couldn't remember - her head still spun dizzily. She wanted more than anything to eat. Not just a normal meal, she wanted to eat and eat and eat until the gaping hole in her heart felt full again. It didn't matter anymore. What was the point in sticking to her diet if there were no friends and no glee club.
She stood up shakily from the table and crept towards the refrigerator. Marley could hear her mother's voice talking on the phone in the other room. The entire ride home from the school, Marley's mother hadn't spoken a word to her. Yet apparently she had a lot of words, just none of them were for Marley. She'd been on the phone for hours now with Marley's aunt, crying and talking about doctors and how she blamed herself for Marley's 'condition.' How she always knew she would have to keep an eye on Marley's weight for her health, but she didn't even consider worrying about her being too skinny. How she encouraged the dieting and the exercise and oh-my-god-what-have-I-done.
Marley couldn't take it anymore. Not only had she hurt the glee club and the only group of friends she ever had, she had hurt her own mother. Her hands trembled as she opened the refrigerator door and started pawing through the food inside. She eyed the bread, her mind swirling simultaneously with desire and fear. With great care, she unwrapped the twist tie and slowly brought one piece of bread to her lips. The reaction was immediate; her taste buds felt like they were exploding with sweetness. It had been weeks since she'd allowed herself to eat carbs.
Suddenly her hands were no longer her own. They quickly grabbed anything and everything and shoveled it down her throat. Everything in the kitchen was fair game. At one point she thought briefly about how she would explain this to her mother - food wasn't cheap, and she had already eaten more than they usually consumed in days. But the thought passed from her quickly as she was absolved in a flurry of tastes and textures and the feeling that maybe everything would be okay.
The amount of time that had elapsed from when she had started eating wasn't clear. It could have been five minutes and it could have been fifty-five minutes, but Marley was suddenly sobered with the realization that she was full. Horrifically full. Inexcusably full. At this point, she was sitting cross-legged on the tiled floor of the kitchen, a box of wheat thins next to her, and she knew she couldn't fit a single wheat thin in her stomach if she tried. What had she done?
She thought back to what her mother had told her - about how she had always struggled with her weight, but it was when Dad left and she started to eat to feel better that she gained the bulk of her weight. How could Marley be so stupid? She was letting herself eat to feel better, and now she was going to get fat too. She loved her mother, but she couldn't let herself get like that, she just couldn't. Her stomach pushed defiantly against the waistband of her jeans. There was only one thing to do.
Marley stood up slowly, steadying herself against the pantry door. The world was still spinning around her, but she had to get to the bathroom, and fast. She could already feel her body absorbing the food - every minute she waited the more fat she would get. Not caring about the mess she left in the kitchen and what her mother might say, Marley stumbled into the bathroom.
Flipping the lock on the door, she fell clumsily to her knees and crawled towards the toilet. Marley could still hear the sounds of her mother wailing on the phone- it was unlikely she would be able to hear anything over her own sobs. Regardless, Marley turned on the shower, just to be safe. Lifting up the seat, she stared down into the toilet water and thought about what her life had become. How could everything fall apart so quickly? She couldn't think for long though, as her stomach screamed at her in pain. Fingers twitching, Marley snapped a hair elastic off of her wrist and tied back her long, brown hair.
Just like Kitty had taught her, Marley put two fingers into her mouth and tickled the back of her throat. She coughed unsuccessfully a few times, but on the fourth try the food started coming up. Each heave seemed to bring up larger and larger amounts of undigested food. Marley's face felt sticky with tears and sweat and toilet water that kept splashing into her face. But she couldn't stop, she had to get it all out.
She kept going like this until she couldn't spit up anything besides blood and stomach acid. At first, a pang of panic ran through her body. What was happening? Why wasn't it working anymore? But then she suddenly realized that her stomach no longer ached with the stretch of food. Relief flowed through her. She was done.
Marley flushed the toilet and then leaned back against the bathroom wall. Her heart was racing, her body no doubt spiked with adrenaline. But despite her pulse thumping wildly through her veins, she felt a strange sense of calm. Warmth spread over her shoulders and down her arms like a blanket. Stars dotted in and out of her vision, and she felt so light and so inexplicably okay. Everything was going to be okay. Marley Rose was going to be okay.
Eating disorders can manifest themselves in all sorts of ways. But it bothers me that the direction Glee decided to take was to have Marley be yelled at by the glee club members, realize she was naive and selfish, and then magically be cured. I hope there's more left in this story arc, but who knows.
Feedback makes me smile. I have a few ideas that involve other characters (I'm thinking Santana and Ryder), but it's still up in the air, so ideas are always welcome :)