The
X-files:
Fart on the Future
By: Stephanie Diemer And Kate Hackett
Scene 1
EXT: NIGHT suburbs
WEDNESDAY
8:05 PM
Outside of Hollywood, CA
Enter middle-aged man. Average businessman. His name is Morty the Agent.
Morty: he has an annoying voice-on a cell phone What? Didn't I tell you to get Julia Roberts out here immediately?!
Woman's Voice on Phone: UhMorty? You don't work with Julia Roberts.
Morty: pause OhI work with that Gillian chick and ehemDavid something-or-other. Well, get them out here. Now.
Woman: Yes Morty. Click. Morty puts away his phone.
Morty: mumbling something under his breath about how he doesn't get paid enough and the people he works with are all a bunch of Fox losers. Oh! Look! A pennyI mean an inchworm! Suddenly turns vile I'll squash you like a bug! Bends over. Inchworm's POV. Hand raised above to kill and suddenly Morty gets a disgusted/twisted look and screams. The scream is suddenly cut short by (dum dum dum!) a blackout.
Scene 2
INT: BASEMENT OF THE FBI
FRIDAY
12:07.03.09 PM EST
FBI HOOVER BUILDING, WASHINGTON DC
Mulder stacking cans of beer. Scully suddenly walks in and Mulder shoves the cans to the floor quickly and picks up a notepad. He begins to write with his finger.
Scully: Mulder, were you stacking cans of beeragain?
Mulder: NoScully gives him a look MaybeSome more looking from Scully; Mulder's expression gets a hurt puppy look Yes, yes I wasHe obtains an attitude. Do you have a problem with that?
Scully: No. Hey, I've got a questionhow long does this plot-less show go on for today?
Mulder: With or without commercials?
Scully: Both.
Mulder: With-bout an hour. Without, oh, 30 45 minutesScully sighs
Scully: Well, since you're the one who always gets the cases, do we have any?
Mulder: Nopenot to my knowledge looks at notepad Oh, yea! This oneOur agent died.
Scully: face lights up-like a lightbulb! Morty? Yea!!! Oh, right. Serious Scullyinstantly resumes her "Yea, so what?" look What killed him?
Mulder: The autopsy was-shocker! --Inconclusive. But you'll probably have to redo that or something while I'm off investigating.
Scully: Well, duh. But what else happened?
Mulder: There have been three deaths of the same matter with inchworms next to themshudder Morty too.
Scully: Ohhhh! An inchworm! Oh my God! Can we say-points at Mulder Poopyhead!
Mulder: Yes, yes we can but that's not point
Scully: You? Point? Wow!
Mulder: hands her a packet with a dead inchworm inside I know it may seem like an ordinary inchworm to youScully reaches in and finds the inchworm on her hand. She shrieks. Mulder laughs. Briefly-see briefs guy. They both return to seriousness. But it's really an alien inchworm
Scully: What the he
Mulder: Eh eh eh ehwags his finger at Scully good little Roman Catholics with dead fathers and sisters don't use that kind of languageScully gives him a "shut up and leave my family out of this" look Now just how do you expect to get into heaven with those kind of foul obscenitiesBesides Fox was complaining.
Scully: Fox? Complaining about obscenities? HARDLY! Now, what's with this inchworm? She suddenly realizes that its still on her hand and shakes it off quickly. Mulder swiftly catches it.
Mulder: Did you just use my first name? Scully! Scully glares at him
Scully: The gay porno network, Mulder.
Mulder: Its not gay porno, Scully! I know, I've watched. sheepishly And looked
Scully: You're a sick, sad man, Mulder. And I wish you well in life. But ANYWAYwhere and when was Morty killed?
Mulder: In California. Near Hollywood. At 8:05 PM.
Scully: How do you know all this?
Mulder: Didn't you read the script? Holds up script and Scully moves over to look. It's right here, duh.
Chris Carter: Hey guys? Wanna get back into character sometime?
Scully: Not particularlyMulder elbows her Oh, yeah! Why not? Mumbles to Mulder We don't get paid enough for this.
Chris: Thank you! Let's go people!
Scully: turning to Mulder So, what are we doing?
Mulder: Going to HOLLYWOOK!!! Fade outthen back in on Scully's next line
Scully: HollywooD, Mulder, HollywooD
Mulder: Yea, rightquieter Hollywood. Fade out.
Scene 3
INT: PLANE
FRIDAY
1:30 PM
DELTA EXPRESS (THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CHEAP SEAT AND AN EXPENSIVE ONE TO FLORIDAOR HOLLYWOOK) *WHAT? OH, OKAY* (HOLLYWOOD)
Scully and Mulder are on the world's worst flight. In the air. Scully is freaking out and Mulder is enjoying her pain. He is reading a magazine and is casually laid back with his feet up. Scully is gripping the edge of the chair.
Mulder: Scully! She looks over at him Did you just feel that?
Scully: very tense Feel what?
Mulder: smiling Oh, never mind. Just my imagination
Scully: glares at him and goes back to being petrified Mulder, Shut up.
Stewardess: walks up to them Would you care for a drink ma'am?
Scully: NO!!!
Mulder: Wanna yell a little louder or is the plane making you too relaxed?
Scully: puts her head down Shut up, Mulder.
Mulder: to stewardess I'll have a petite nudges Scully and she nods as if to say "Yes Mulder, yes"bag of sunflower seedson second thought, bring the biggest bag you've got. Stewardess leaves.
Scully: raises her head to her partner Did you remember the cell phones?
Mulder: Yep. Prop crew gave em to me. Got em somewhere in the back of the plane.
Scully: Is that why we're flying vertically?
Mulder: shrugs Probably. Stewardess cowering under the weight of a HUGE bag of sunflower seeds.
Stewardess: Heregrunt are
Mulder: Hey! Hey! Zoom in on Scully's watch. 20 min. later, there is a big empty bag of sunflower seeds. Mulder is popping the last few in his mouth. Hey, you there-got anymore?
Scully: You still have a fewcan I have one?
Mulder: quickly and possessively NO!
Scene 4
EXT: DAY: SUBURBS
FRIDAY
3:45 (WESTERN STANDARD TIME)
OUTSIDE OF HOLLYWOOD, CA
Mulder and Scully arrive in a 1985 blue FORD rental. They get out of their car in their little dudududuh way. They straighten their trench coats and walk towards the crime scene. The police crew is cleaning up.
Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. Both reach into their coats for ID
Scully: can't find her ID and Mulder is struggling to get his out. Just a second sir, I know I have it somewherePoliceman becomes impatient.
Mulder: Scully, help me get this thing out of my pocket! Scully reaches over to help him and then she stops.
Scully: Mulder, I can't even find mine!
Mulder: drops to his knees NOOOOOOO!!! SCULLY!!!
Scully: looks over at him What?
Mulder: gets up Sorry Scully, had to get that out.
Policeman: Are you folks FBI agents or not?
Scully: We are, our badges just aren't here
Mulder: just to be a pain, he says Well, mine isI just can't get it out of my pocketLittle help? Scully rolls her eyes and they both tug at the stuck badge.
Scully: Wait! I know where mine is! I left it in my back pocket! She reaches around to get her badge. She produces it and shows the guard. The guard lets her in.
Mulder: feeling well, left out. Hey, what about me? Scully looks at him and continues. Mulder continues to get the badge out as he walks around the crime scene--brooding. When Scully and his eyes meet, he gives her sad puppy eyes. After about 2 or 3 times of this occurring, Scully emits a sigh and walks over.
Scully: Jesus Mulder, you're pathetic. She moves his hand away from the coat and removes it. Then she reaches in and removes the badge and hands it all back to him.
Mulder: looks at her with admiration I love you Scully.
Scully: rolls her eyes and hits him Shut up and help me figure out what killed this guy! He begins to say something And it was not an inchworm already!-much less an alien one. Mulder walks around and is allowed in.
Mulder: So what happened here?
Scully: We already know what happened.
Mulder: Does it look like; like that goofy voice at the end of the show "I made this"?
Scully: God I hope not
Mulder: matter-of-factly Feeling's mutual.
Scully: turns to policeman Can you brief us on what occurred here? A man walking around the crime scene in his briefs appears.
Policeman 2: Yes, briefly. The man in background shouts "Whoo-hoo" and runs away; Mulder is the only one who notices the man and continues looking in that general direction, very confused. The secretary
Mulder: Bianca. Gets a serious, intent; yet playful look. Scully rolls her eyes and frowns and looks towards the policeman.
P. 2: Yeah, right. She received a call at around 7:50 PM and then at approximately 8:05 they hung up Mulder nudges Scully and she nods After that, at around 10:30 AM, we received a call from a neighbor who had been walking his dog and discovered the body.
Scully: Dogsalways dogs
Mulder: Lousy repetitive writers
P. 2: Are you folks gonna listen or not? They nod and begin to pay attention again We got a crew out here and they did a background check of the area. After that, we started inspecting and found the dead inchworm, which we gave to youand the rest is your problem, I'm going home now.
Scully: Wait! What about the back
Mulder: Let him go Scully, I have a feelingsuddenly out of character Who wrote this? Did John Shiban write this one? Get him out here. This is the gayest line I've ever read!
John: Yes I did. Just read the line David.
Mulder: Finebad acting Let him go Scully, I have a feeling that we'll be doing our own background check anywayunder his breath or at least I will, while you're playing with your
Chris: CUT!!!
Scene 5
INT: HOTEL
GUESS WHAT? IT'S STILLFRIDAY!!!
7:37 PM
LA CASA DE CREPES (MMM...PANCAKES...)
Mulder and Scully are at a mediocre hotel. There is no one at the counter and Mulder is playing with a little bell. After a while, he begins to play the "Simpsons" theme. Soon after, Scully places a hand on the bell harshly.
Scully: Stop.
Mulder: You know what's wrong with you Scully? She looks at him with a "Tell me" look Too much stress.
Scully: And you know what causes that stress, Mulder? Mulder looks at her intently You! Mulder looks away with a slightly hurt look on his face. Scully notices. Mulder? He turns, looking much happier. A woman clad in the 80s genre clothing appears. She is chewing gum. Nevermind.
Woman: Can I help you? Mulder looks slightly infatuated with the woman. The woman blows a bubble and continues this until this is just too much for poor little (well, she's taller than I am, but) Scully. Scully removes her gun and shoots the next bubble.
Scully: flashes her badge with the most serious look. Agent Dana Scully, FBI. I want two rooms and I want them now. And don't give me any crap about not having rooms. Mulder backs away slowly and carefully.
Woman: What are you kidding?! We've got at least 15 rooms, at least! It's really hard to have business out here in the middle of nowhere. Lemme tell you something, lady, if you ever decide to start a business, its location, location, loca
Mulder: SHUT UP!! Scully snatches the keys as Mulder begins to walk down the hall.
Scully: she runs up to him See?
Mulder: taking his key Yes. He begins to unlock his door and Scully hers. He turns to Scully. You ok?
Scully: Yes. I'll be fine.
Mulder: brushes her hair away from her face and his expression softens greatly. Take it easy Dana. If you don't, mischievous expression the inchworm'll get ya!
Scully: entering her room Scully, Mulder, Scully.
Mulder: Yesshe rolls her eyes and enters you can hear the door lock then:
Scully: I cannot work under these conditions! Tell Chris that I'm this close to quitting! ARG! This is ridiculous!!! All the while, Mulder is still standing outside the door trying to keep in character. He motions subtly for the camera to be turned off. He tries again. Then twice more. Finally:
Mulder: Jeez you idiots! Turn the freaking camera off!!!
Scene 6
INT: LAB
I'M SICK OF TYPING HEREYOU CAN GUESS. IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARDHELL, IT'S A LABORATORY. (BY THE WAY, WHAT BOZO GETS STUCK WRITING IN THIS LITTLE SPACE ANYWAY?)BY THE WAY (again), IT'S 9:00 AM (EST)
Scully is preparing for the autopsy of Morty. She has him under a canvas and already has gloves on.
Scully: I really, really don't want to see thisshe closes her eyes and takes off the canvas. She slowly opens her eyes and shudders mercilessly. Ick ick ick! Never ever, ever get an agent that is likely to die. EVER! Reaches for her recorder pushes record Subject 1013. Caucasian male, 48, 5'4", annoyingly stupideven while dead. Must cut MortyMust cut Mortypushes stop Come on GillScully, why can't you do this? This is your dream!!! Ok, what we'll do is cover the bottom halfthere ya go places canvas over legs and waist area All bettertakes scalpel and makes the first incision; suddenly her phone rings and she jumps, screwing the cut. Damn! Takes out phone Scully.
Mulder: Hi. It's me.
Scully: Gee Mulder, I'm sorta in the middle of cutting a man's chest!
Mulder: Hey, are they completely undressed when you do that?
Scully: Yea
Mulder: I knew I should have been a doctor!
Scully: rolls her eyes (do you think they'll ever get stuck in an upright position?) What do you want Mulder?
Mulder: Umthey told me to call to interrupt your autopsy, but they didn't exactly tell me why
Scully: Don't you have a script?
Mulder: Well, kindofsometimes they like to write it as we go along
Scully: Ok you know what Mulder?
Mulder: thinking she's kidding What?
Scully: I QUIT!!!
Mulder: What??!!?!?!
Scully: Goodbye Mulder. She walks off the sound stage towards the camera and hits it. There. Ha. Suddenly Mulder runs up to her
Mulder: What the hell are you doing!
Scully: Bye Mulder-I mean David. Scully walks out of building while Mulder stays there with his jaw wide open
Mulder: Dammit ScullyGillian! Now I have no love interest for the show when we have crappy plot lines-like this one! After she is completely out of sight Mulder sees another opportunity. He looks both ways and smiles a little. Then he kneels down with his arms toward the sky. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! COME BACK!! Scully!!!!
Scene 7
INT: HER APARTMENT
SUNDAY
8:00 AM (EST)
Scully's APARTMENT
Scully is sitting in a chair by her computer. Her legs are swinging and a bucket of ice cream is next to her. A cat is walking around.
Scully: takes a bite of ice cream Yup. Here I amsitting on a chair. Look at mehow excitingsitting on a chairgetting fatter as I speakyup. Love sitting on that chair. Don't you? Cat runs away in fear Whatsammata Impy? Mommy scaring you? Getting mad Why aren't you sitting on a chair? Is the chair not good enough for you? Well? WellI hate you too Mulder!Impy! Begins to cry I miss Mulderstupid idiot who can't figure out a logical explanation to save his lifeGod I love himphone rings-she runs to get it Mulder?!?!
Mrs. Scully: Umno I don't believe sohow are you?
Scully: Ma, I quit.
Mrs. Scully: You what!?! Well, no will for you! Click
Scully: Now my mom hates me toowhat a great daysudden realization hey! I shouldn't have quitat least not before I got my paycheck. Thinks and sees Chris turning her down in a vision:
Scully: Take me backplease?
Chris: You? Never-bwahahahaha!
Scene 8
INT: FOX HEADQUARTERS; FOX PRES. AND A FEW EXECUTIVES ARE PRESENT AS WELL AS MULDER AND CHRIS CARTER
SUNDAY
11:02 am
FOX HEADQUARTERS
The president and the executives are towards the head of the table Chris and Mulder are at the end. The Cigarette Smoking Man is in the back smoking Morleys. The president has the view like in Seinfeld of the Yankees pres.
President: What about "When good milk goes bad?"
Ex. 1: Noits been donehow bout "Greatest Car Crashes Caught on Film16"?
All but Chris and Mulder: AhhhI like it
Mulder: We came here to discuss Scully!
President: Yesshe is pretty, isn't she?
All (including Chris and Mulder): Yesyes she is, isn't she?
Mulder: I'd like her back.
President: But she quit.
Mulder: Maybe sobut somewhere, out there (beneath the pale moon sky) my former partner is sitting at home, moping, eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream, getting fatter as we speak. Stand And I don't intend to let her sit there and get fat-I mean, do nothing. She's my partner dammit and I want her back!
President: whispering to Ex. 1 He's getting a little too into thisTo Mulder And how do you propose we accomplish this?
Mulder: There's only one way I know she'll comply, Chris and I must join forces Chris looks down and shakes his head
Everyone but Mulder and Chris: That's crazy talk-what's that crazy talk Mulder? Be resonabwell, be smart.
President: Mulder, you've done some pretty stupid things in the past but this is the stupidest I've seenas of yet.
Chris: Nono, I think that crazy hat he wore during that one brief appearance during the Christmas episode with Emily was pretty stupid
President: No, I find this much stupider.
Chris: shrugs You're the boss.
President: And how will you and Chris get her back?
Mulder: Well, actually, we were gonna make it up as we go alongI figured you'd approve, being that that's how we make the actual SHOW
President: I trust you MulderI don't know why, but I trust you.
Mulder: Thank you sirI think. Come on Chris, we've got work to do!
Chris: sighs and grudgingly gets up I need better actorswe follow them out the building and into the street; the cameraman trips and falls. Mulder helps him up. Then we see a sign right next to the Fox building saying: FOX SUX!!! At the end of the sign we see the man in briefs with a can of spray paint; Mulder does a double take, but the man is gone.
Scene 9
INT: Scully's APARTMENT
KISS MY ASS, I AIN'T WRITIN' NO MORE.
Scully is sitting on her couch now, a novelty newspaper at her feet. She carefully picks it up.
Scully: "The Washington Poop"they changed their name? Eh, whateverHere we go. She scans and the camera zooms in on a red circle that reads: "Logical thinker needed. Must be female, under 40, red hair, 5'3", green eyes and named Dana Scully. HURRY!! Call 443-555-CHRIS." Scully turns the page Nothingwhy isn't there anything for a logical thinker with red hair, under 40, green eyescameraman taps her shoulder
Cameraman: Hey, go back a page and look for the big red circle.
Scully: Oh, ok. She does so Hey, I'm a female, under 40 with red hair 5'3", green eyes and named Dana ScullyCould this be a ridiculous plot to kidnap meNo, no it can't be. I think I may be eligible! Baltimore it is!
Scene 10
EXT: DAY IN BALTIMORE
HI. THEY FIRED THE OTHER GUY, SO I'M WRITING NOW BUWAHAHAHA! OH THE POWER!!! (VOICE OFFSTAGE: WRITE ALREADY!!!) OH OK TUESDAY
2:02 PM
DARK ALLEY OFF OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. BOULEVARD
Scully drives up in HER car (Ford). She parallel parks swiftly and gets out. She has a paper in her hand.
Scully: WellI'm here, the dark alley off of Martin Luther King Jr. BoulevardWhere are they? Men in dark suits jump out of a dumpster behind Scully wiping off the trash as they walk. They put a bag over her and tie her up. They throw her into the back of a black van and drive away.
Scene 11
INT: DAY-BIG OFFICE WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF WINDOWS
HI MOM!
There is a black swivel chair turned away from the door and camera. Chris is standing in the corner talking to the CSM.
Chris: What are you doing here?
CSM: I'm everywhere
Chris: Oookay. Turns to watch action.
Scully is pushed into the room by the men in dark suits. The bag is taken off her head, untied, and sat in a chair. Miraculously, her hair isn't perfectshe then straightens it and an arm reaches and gives her a bottle of Pantene Flexible Hold hair spray. She uses it and whispers "Thanks" when she returns it. The men in dark suits leave and lock the door. She stands and tries to open the door.
Mulder: still not facing her and in best James Bond villain voice So we meet again, Miss Scully. Turns around petting Impy
Scully: Mulder! Hey, that's my cat!
Mulder: No it's not! He quickly hides the cat behind the desk. Scully advances to get the cat. Chris comes up behind her and tries to restrain her. She back kicks him and continues on her way to get the cat.
Scully: Shouldn't have really made us take that training at Quantico, huh Chris?
Chris: Ohhholding his crotch This isn't my dayCan I have my office back now?
All (including CSM): NO!!
Scully: Mulder, why are you doing this?
Mulder: Scully, I need you. I'm pathetic with out you. You've seen the re-runs. You know how I am without your presence.
Scully: Mulder, if you wanted me back that badly, you should have just come to my apartment and asked nicely.
Mulder: That was the original plan, but I figured it would be more fun this way. Sheepishly Besides, we've never done our show in inner city Baltimore and I wanted to see the dolphins at the Inner Harbor.
Chris: still in pain So now it's your show?
Scully: Quiet you.
Mulder: gets up and walks around the desk to Scully So, partners again? Extends his hand.
Scully: sighs Alright. But Chris? Make those stupid writers stick in a logical explanation or two.
Chris: Whatever you saymy nuts. Scully and Mulder walk out. Mulder yawns and tries to put his arm around Scully.
Scully: Don't even think about it Mulder.
Scene 12
EXT: A CAR DRIVING DOWN A ROAD
INT: INSIDE CAR
A woman in her 40s with bad makeup is driving the car. We see her suddenly lose control and start to swerve. She crashes the car and a close-up of an inchworm on the road ends the scene. Fade out.
Scene 13
INT: MULDER'S APARTMENT: BATHROOM
Mulder is in the bathroom shaving and singing in a falsetto voice:
Mulder: "I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and" Mulder stops and thinks about it for a second, then shouts: AND enter Scully on the word: "GAY!!!" Scully looks a little confused as Mulder continues his song. Scully follows his voice to the bathroom, enters, does a direct U-turn then sits on the couch and tries to find something suitable to read as Mulder is all the while singing. Mulder exits the bathroom wiping his face with a towel. Hey Scully.
Scully: puts down the reading material she found "Miss America, Speech Speech!" Mulder looks at her in horror There's been another deaththat's all you need to know.
Mulder: she begins to leave Scully! WaitThere's a Monty Python marathon tonight
Scully: Really? What channel?
Mulder: Well, I was thinking you could watch it here? Scully gives him a look
Scully: I have a TV Mulder. Silence Wait, YOU have cable? On your financial skills? How?
Mulder: I dunno.
Scully: Okaybut for the record I could just as easily watch it at my house.
Scene 14
INT: APARTMENT 42 (Mulder's)
WEDNESDAY
9:30 PM
Mulder's APARTMENT
Scully and Mulder are watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail and laughing. Mulder begins to try to throw popcorn into his mouth and Scully watches. She scoffs at his attempts.
Scully: Mulder, you suck.
Mulder: Bet I can get more into my mouth than you can in a minute.
Scully: You forget Mulder, women have more experience in mouth departments.
Mulder: Are we talking Monica or popcorn?
Scully: Wouldn't you like to know
Mulder: Yes, actually I would.
Scully: rolls her eyes Ok, we start in five, four, three, two ohap! She starts
Mulder: Hey!! Cheater! She laughs and starts choking on the popcorn. Mulder walks behind her and gives her the heimlech.
Scully: Mulder, you saved meagain.
Mulder: But this time it was from the evil popcorn. They lean closer and closer for the kiss. Cameraman pushes Scully and she falls onto Mulder. Then suddenly she notices an inchworm in Mulder's hair and she shrieks.
Scully: Mulder! There's an inchworm in your hair!!!
Mulder: he shrieks girlishly Get it out! Get it out!
Scully: Get it out! Oh my God! For the love of God, get it out!!
Mulder: high-pitched voice It's gonna clears throat and resumes his natural voice It's gonna kill us all!!!
Scully: resuming her role as skeptic NoNo I don't think it will. Scientifically it's impossiblesuddenly the inchworm jumps down her throat and she begins to choke.
Mulder: under his breath I told you the inchworm would get youresuming his character No! Dana! Live! Live damn you! Calls 911 on his cell phone Hey Chris! Do you realize this is the first time we've used the cell phones?
Chris: Shut up!
Mulder: Alright, alright, alright already! Jeez! To 911 receptionist This is Agent Fox Mulder with the FBI. I have an agent down at apartment 42. Hangs up
Chris: You didn't give them enough information!
Mulder: mysteriously Oh they knowthey know.
Chris: Ech
Ambulance sirens. Suddenly an ambulance pulls up and begins preparing Scully.
Mulder: as they are taking Scully to the ambulance She choked on an inchwormI don't think she's allergic, but she looks pretty badclose up of Scully's face: dark blue. She suddenly whispers: I'm finethen resumes a deathly looking position. Hey! Hey! Where are you taking her? The group reaches the ambulance and Mulder tries to get in but can't. He walks to front and tries to talk to the man, but is shot instead. HEY!!! Why'd ya hafta go and do that? Suddenly, the 1st ambulance speeds away and another comes up. Mulder walks to the 2nd one. I'll teach you to mess with Fox Mulder! Mulder reaches into the ambulance and hits the driver in the face.
Scene 15
INT: Bar
Mulder is taking Jell-O shots as the type begins:
RANDOM BAR
IT HAS BEEN THREE DAYS SINCE MY LAST VENTURE INTO THE BEAUTIFUL WORLD OF LIGHT AND THE PHOTOSYNTHETIC PLANTSOH THE BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL PLANTS! HOW I HAVE MISSED THEM! I WILL LEAVE YOU NOW, BUT BEWARE; CHRIS CARTER IS EVIAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mulder: talking to bartender Wanna know what I do?
Bartender: No.
Mulder: Well I'm a very important person in a government conspiracy. It is an elaborate plot to conceal the truth about aliens-which I know exist. It's a global scheme concocted by the government officials of the country that you live in. I bet you don't believe me. No one does. And because of it, I annoy everyone.
Bartender: Got that right.
Mulder: not acknowledging she talked And I'm a joke to rest. They called me "Spooky". Getting loud and stands on bar I am Spooky Mulder! Hear me roar! Spooky Mulder whose sister was abducted by aliens and I now chase after those aliens waving a gun and badge and shouting to anyone who listens.
Bartender: to the rest of the bar So, who's listening?
Mulder: sitting down All my life. Throughout school...all the time... The pain I have hadthey called me Spooky!
Bartender: I don't care.
Mulder: Sure ya doAnother please
Bartender: I think 86 is your lucky number
Mulder: No, 69 isdrunken snicker
Bartender: Yeah sureI bet you get a lota that buddy.
Mulder: He he he heno.
Bartender: Okay, ya know what-leave.
Mulder: gets up I were just leaving anyway! SO HA! Stumbles out of the bar. As Mulder is stumbling down the street, Diana Fowley-oh ever so conveniently arrives on the scene.
Fowley: Fox! Are you drunk?
Mulder: like Joey How you doin'?
Fowley: UhLook, why don't I take you home, give you a little good lovi'I mean, coffee and THEN we can rollI mean, sleep.
Mulder: Ssssssssssshhhhhhuuuuurrrreeeeehhhhhh. I love you too
Fowley: Don't we all. She sluttily walks down the street, Mulder stumbling behind. Oh, come here Fox. What a good boy. Come onThe street fades away and blackout.
Scene 16
INT: Mulder's apartment
Diana is asleep next to Mulder who is sleeping on the couch. Mulder has a coffee mug dangling in his hand and the phone rings.
Mulder: reaches to get phone and Diana falls off the couch onto the floor. Mulder looks down, shrugs and answers the phone Hello?
Voice on phone: Mulderbreathes like Darth Vader I am your
fatherbreathes And I havecough cough choke stutter etc EMPHYSEMA!!!
Mulder: So.and you are relevant in this plot how?
Voice: teasing I know where Scully is and you don't! Nenenenernener!
Mulder: bolts up, stepping on Diana; she grunts but remains asleep; Mulder again looks down at Diana and shrugs Where is she!?
Voice: I'm notoh, could you hold on a second-I have another call.
Mulder: Oh, oh, yeah, sure.
Voice: Okay-don't go anywhere. Clicks off and "I feel pretty" Musak comes on. Mulder begins to hum along until he can't hold it back any longer and bursts out into full-fledged Broadway style song. Cameraman throws in a hat and cane and Mulder does a little dance and song. All of a sudden everyone comes out with instruments and ensembles and does the dance. Scully makes quick small talk with Mulder. Suddenly there's a click and everyone runs off and Mulder flops back into his normal position on the couch stepping on Diana again who groans. Mulder looks at her and shrugs. Hello?
Mulder: Hi, you were saying?
Voice: UmI'm not surelet me retrace my stepsI'm your
dadOh oh yeah. You'll never know where she is BECAUSE I WON'T TELL YOU!! He. He he he. He.
Mulder: Aw, now that's just mean.
Voice: You will find a disk in your office. It should explain everything.
Mulder: Why are you doing this?
Voice: I'm your father
Mulder: No no, I mean, why are you constantly trying to shut down the X-files?
Voice: Uhclick
Mulder: hangs up and kicks Diana in the head. She grunts and does not wake up. Mulder shrugs and leaves the apartment.
Scene 17
INT: FBI's X-files office
Mulder is tearing his office apart looking for the disk.
Mulder: Okay, I CANNOT find it!
Fowley: enters What cant you find?
Mulder: The disk.
Fowley: What disk? Takes a disk out of his back pocket This disk?
Mulder: close up of the disk shows the label to be "THE DISK" Umyoink. Mulder takes the disk and runs leaving Diana slightly confuzzled.
Scene 18
INT: OFFICE
SATURDAY
10:00 AM
SOME OFFICE THAT ISN'T SCULLY'S (DOES SHE HAVE AN OFFICE?) AND ISN'T MULDER'S
Mulder loads the disk and is at the computer waiting for it to come up. It isn't. He continues to wait, drumming his fingers impatiently on the computer.
Mulder: Dammit computer! THERE'S NO TIME!
Computer (voice): Make time.
Mulder: An FBI agent appears and watches Mulder yell at the computer. I'm not gonna make time for a computer! Would you load!? LOAD! Why aren't you loading! Jeez!
FBI Agent: clears throat UmSpooky?
Mulder: angry Yeah, what do you want?
Agent: You're in my office.
Mulder: flamboyantly Oh! Oh! I'm in your officeSo shoot mepause wait. No. I've been shot this week, haven't I? No. Bad expression. So sue me.
Agent: UmI did. For unauthorized use of my car, stealing my badge, hurting my partner, and hacking into my computernods to the computer that computer. You lost and you still owe me.
Mulder: Oh yes, I remember you. Hi againbye! Runs out of the room and into another office where he proceeds to load the disk. Now you listen to me Mr. Computer, if you don't work-I will KILL YOU! Mulder loads the disk and gets a system error. NOOO! Why? WHY? He presses a button and the disk is loaded. YES! YES!!! Close up of computer screen. There is a link to a web site, which Mulder goes to. Mulder skims the site then clicks on Dana Scully, ignoring his sister's name and the e-mail link. The link goes to a site with many a info. and eventually shows a tracking unit. The unit beeps and shows Scully's location. Mulder clicks on the blinking and a football field is shown. Footballwhere?! WHERE!? The screen switches to show "River Hill High School" and Mulder smiles as he prints. When the document is done: Thank you Mr. Computer. Mulder takes the disk and exits.
Computer: You are welcome, Mr. Mulder.
Scene 19
EXT: A park in DC
SATURDAY
12:30 PM
SOME FEDERALLY FUNDED PARK WITH PHOTOSYNTHETIC PLANTS. YES, THOSE BEAUTIFUL PLANTS ARE BACK.
Mulder is sitting on a bench looking at a printout.
Mulder: I love technology. Diana Fowley walks up and sits on the bench
Diana: Fox? What are you doing?
Mulder: Look, I put that disk in a computer and it showed me EXACTLY where Scully is! I guess she didn't get the computer chip completely removed.
Diana: What chip?
Mulder: being sly I don't knowwhat chip?
Diana: UmWhy is she at River Hill High School?
Mulder: thinks This school must be the breeding ground for aliens! Diana! Stands Do you know what this means?
Diana: thinks No.
Mulder: It means that all these kids with a so-called "great education" are actually alien hybrids that are going off into the world with super-intelligence!
Diana: Oror no.
Mulder: What?
Diana: No.
Mulder: Are you turning into Scully-because that's almost exactly what she would say?
Diana: Fox-listen to yourself. You just said that one of the best schools in the county is harvesting aliens. I think not.
Mulder: Well alien or not, that school has Scully!
Diana: looks at the sheet Mulder is waving around No, according to this printout, the football field has your beloved Scully.
Mulder: Jeez, where do I find such technical people?
Diana: Fox, are we going or not?
Mulder: obviously confused by the "we" We? Pause Never mind, let's just go.
Scene 20
EXT: RHHS's football field
SATURDAY
1:24 PM
RIVER HILL HIGH SCHOOL (GO HAWKS!)
Mulder and Diana walk into the football field and begin looking for Scully. Mulder is carrying a football but trying to conceal it under his shirt.
Mulder: SCULLY?! WHERE ARE YOU!?! Continues yelling in such a fashion.
Diana: very quietly Hey, Agent Scully? Turns to Mulder Oh, well I guess she's not here. Let's go.
Mulder: No. I know she's here somewhere! The computer told me so.
Diana: quite sarcastically Right. Okay. Sure. Trying to get Mulder to leave Why don't we look for her in the car?
Mulder: taking her seriously Now why would she be in my car?
Diana: rolls her eyes Did you bring a football, Mulder?
Mulder: Umyes.
Diana: Why?
Mulder: Because we aren't looking for her on a basketball court.
Diana: Ohkaymore looking for Scully; Mulder stops and turns to Diana
Mulder: Hey Diana, go long! She goes fairly far away Keep going! She does so Go so far I can't even see you! We see her pause, look confused, and start running to the fence. Mulder then rears back with the ball as if he is going to throw it then drops it behind him and runs-runs like the wind I tell you! Diana places her hands on her hips and taps her foot impatiently.
Diana: shouting after him Fox, I really don't have time for your little foreplay!
Scene 21
INT: RIVER HILL HIGH SCHOOL
SATURDAY
1:56 PM
SOMEWHERE INSIDE RIVER HILL HIGH SCHOOL
Mulder is aimlessly wandering through the halls. He has a map of the school and is turning it over and over trying to decipher this crazy school that makes you wander forever and ever
Mulder: I am sooo lost.
Diana: runs up to him Fox! Breathless I thought I'd lost you!
Mulder: under his breath I wish. Loud again Diana! I think this school is too big. Damn over-funded school.
Diana: hesitantly I think we're in the Ninth Grade hallway. We can noticeably see the letters "NINTH GRADE HALLWAY" above the stairwell But I'm not sure
Mulder: still angry Damn aliens. Why did they put her in a school? I should e-mail them when I get back and complain. We hear a tiny squeaking HmI guess they aren't that rich. They have mice.
Diana: No, Foxlisten closely. The squeaking sounds sorta like "Mulder!" but no one is really sure. What does that sound like to you?
Mulder: sarcastic: Sounds like a mouse Diana.
Diana: Noit's Scully, Mulder!
Mulder: What? Out of characteragain Nononono. I think not. This is all too convenient. Where did the good writers go? Who the HELL is writing this crap? It looks like a bunch of freshmen in high school trying to create a decent plot and it IS NOT WORKING!!! This script sucks and I refuse to do anymore acting from this episode unless it is changed. We hear the cameraman sigh and sit down behind the camera and Chris Carter is heard softly over the mic.
Chris: How DID I get such horrible actors? I have no idea how we get anything done.
Some Techi-Guy with Chris: Sirthe mic's on
Chris: pause Ohoops. We hear a click and silence untilScully reappears! She has a gag around her mouth and is bound hands. Some crew guy is trying to get her to go back from wherever she came from but somehow results in taking off her gag and untying her.
Scully: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! To Mulder These ropes and that piece of tape are VERY uncomfortable. Do you have any idea? No, no you don't because they never kidnap you! Sarcastic: You're too special. You are the center of a global conspiracy. Sorry. I FORGOT! Would you all PLEASE get this together so I don't have to be gone for any length of time beyond what is necessary because without me, this show is awful.
Mulder: Hey!
Scully: Well it is! Ask anyone if they have been listening for the past 5 scenes. I bet they haven't. But they are now.
Cameraman: Waitwhat happened 5 scenes ago?
Mulder: See. They weren't even listening then.
Scully: to cameraman I was kidnapped you dope!
Cameraman: Oh yeah
Scully: Alright, look. I'm not going back to that closet. It's cold and uncomfortable.
Mulder: And there's NO WAY I'm going to continue unless this script isn't changed. IT IS TOO EASY FOR THEM TO FIGURE THINGS OUT!!
Chris (enters soundstage): Okay, here's the deal. Scully-sorry, Gillian, I'll re-write this to make it logical. Davidpause to think you can have some sunflower seeds.
Mulder: gives Chris a look; being a hard bargainer And
Chris: sighs Andfigures out what to do AND Mulder can have his fish back!
Mulder: girlishly Penelope and Myron!?! They can come back!?
Chris: UmI think you have proved your responsibility level.
Mulder: Finally! How long I have waited for this day!
Scully: Hey! What about me?
Chris: YOU GET A LOGICAL EXPLANATION!
Scully: Yeahchildishly but he gets two things
Chris: exasperatedly Fine! Fine! Gillian, you can come back now.
Scully: Now? That's not very logical.
Chris: AHHHHHH!!!! Fine! Gillian, run up to Mulder and tell him you got away from the aliens. We'll blow something up and make the viewers think we did a good job.
Scully: YES! Blowing-up!
Chris: Okay. Can we go people? Come on now. Everyone takes his or her places (Scully off the set/Mulder and Diana looking around).
Cameraman: Five, four, three, two, one AndACTION!
Diana: FoxDoes this place smell funny?
Mulder: runs down a stairwell and sees the gym Nope. It's the gym.
Diana: OhScully is shown running up to Mulder
Scully: Mulder! Mulder! She reaches him and he is about to say something. He looks extremely happy to see her. Mulder, listen. I just escaped from a bunch of strange people. I don't remember anything else. I just woke up in a room. Now, I'm not sure, but I think the defense system for wherever we are is a bomb. We need to get out of here!
Diana: leaning over the stair railing Fooooxxoh Fooooxx
Scully: obviously annoyed by this evil woman's presence What is she doing here?
Mulder: I don't know! She came with.
Scully: runs up the stairs Come on!
Mulder: also runs up the stairs. Diana moves so she can talk to Mulder. Mulder stops and begins to flirt with her. Scully turns to talk to him and sees thisdisplay.
Scully: Mulder! THERE'S NO TIME! Mulder sheepishly turns away from Diana and begins to walk towards Scully with his head down. Diana jogs with them. They approach the door and run out of the building as it blows up. Suddenly, the special effects halt and there is a normal building standing there.
Chris (over intercom): Don't worry about it people, we'll fix it during editing!
Diana: So are we done?
Scully: whispers to herself Should've locked her in there.
Mulder: What did you say?
Scully: Umlet's go Mulder. We have an earth to save-right?
Mulder: Okay, sure. They walk off towards Mulder's car and Mulder succeeds in putting his arm around Scully.
Scene 22
INT: X-files Office
Mulder and Scully are looking through files and databases for information on anything slightly relevant to this case.
Mulder: Hey Scully, take a look at this he moves over to show her something and she looks interested I found an old picture of Penelope. I can't wait to see her again!
Scully: rolls her eyes Mulder, that has nothing to do with an inchworm.
Mulder: A what? An inchworm, Scully, what are you talking about? Pause and Scully gives him the look OhhhhhhhI forgot about that! Jeezthat was a while ago.
Scully: YeahI know. And I have found nothing to support your theory on an alien inchworm.
Mulder: Scully, do you remember anything about your abductions?
Scully: thinks Nono not really.
Mulder: Think hard, Scully. Were the aliens long and skinny? Did they disappear and reappear at random? Were they inchworms?
Scully: No, and Mulder, you're scaring me.
Mulder: Sorry. So, what did they look like?
Scully: Mulder, I don't remember. I can't remember. They did something so it's impossible for me to recall any information whatsoever about my abductions.
Mulder: But you know about Emily.
Scully: Only from pure chance. Mulder, how is this consistent with the plot?
Mulder: What plot?
Scully: Good point. But seriously, I think this is an open-and-shut-case. There isn't really anything X-file-y about it.
Mulder: Was there ever an autopsy?
Scully: Of Morty? Nope. And I am NOT doing that again.
Mulder: What about the other ones?
Scully: Not to my knowledge.
Mulder: Could the doctor that signed the death certificate overlooked something?
Scully: Well, it depends on the doctorand the "thing".
Mulder: If these were natural deaths, then how the hell did we get them as cases?
Scully: Mulder, you know Skinner better than I do. You tell me.
Mulder: You think that he's just playing with us? Making us look into a case with no significant meaning at all?
Scully: That's what I ALWAYS think he's doing, Mulder.
Mulder: Or maybe it isn't himmaybe it's my dad.
Scully: Your dad has been dead for years Mulder.
Mulder: No Scully. My REAL dad
Scully: No! No! NOOOO!!!! That was a horrific scream
Mulder: That's right Scullymy dad isscreen cuts to black. A "To Be Continued" thingy is typed and the credits come on.
Editing Guy: Damn. Wrong effect. Suddenly, the credits are stopped and the scene resumes. There we arepraying be in the right spot, be in the right spot
Scully: How long have you known this? Hear:
Editing guy: Shoot!
Editing guy 2: Don't worry, the viewers don't notice. I do it all the time when Mulder and Scully talk about their previous kisses and stuff. It's like the kiss never happenedand no one says a word
Mulder and Scully are talking throughout this, but we can't hear them.
Mulder: So, what is this?
Scully: Gimme a second, Mulder. I'm still processing this dad thing. Pause Okay. I'm fine now. Cell phone rings. It continues to ring. Mulder looks at Scully and she looks at him. Its you.
Mulder: answers his phone Ohso it is. To phone Mulder.
Skinner: Mulder, its Skinner. I sent a paper to your office. Is it there?
Mulder: to Scully Do you see a paper that Skinner sent? Scully looks around and when she finds it she holds it up triumphantly. Yes. Yes it is.
Skinner: There's a location at the top of the page. Go to it.
Mulder: Okay.
Skinner: pause Mulder, I have to go. Tell Scully I said hi.
Mulder: Bye. Hangs up. To Scully Why did Skinner say hi to you Scully?
Scully: sheepishly/slyly UmI don't know
Mulder: What is at the top of the page?
Scully: An address, why?
Mulder: Skinner said we were supposed to go therewhere is it?
Scully: reads It'sit's a morgue. Mulder, why are we going to a morgue in California?
Mulder: thinks Is it in HollywooD-See Scully I got it right!? She nods
Scully: Yeah, it's in Hollywood.
Mulder: We're some pretty popular people, Scully. Maybe we should move to California.
Scully: Or just go there, figure out what is going on, and come back.
Mulder: Yeah, that works too.
Scully: So, what are we doing?
Mulder: Going to Hollywood! Fade out, fade in
Scully: Hey Mulder, you got it right!
Scene 23
INT: Morgue
MONDAY
10:54 AM
THIS IS A MORGUE. PERHAPS YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM. IT'S WHERE THE DEAD PEOPLE LIVE. IT IS NOT A NICE PLACE TO BE. UNLESS YOU ARE SCULLY. I THINK SHE HAS A MORGUE FETISH. BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME.
Mulder and Scully are just walking in an office in the morgue. They are talking to the briefs guy who turns out to be the chief medical examiner of California.
Briefs Guy: shakes hands with them Agents Mulder and Scully, I presume? They show their badges and we continue My name is Dr. Robert Princetine. I am the chief medical examiner for California. How are you today?
Scully: begins to say "fine thank you" but is very rudely interrupted
Mulder: Dr. Princetine, was it? He nods Haven't we met before. Princetine darts his eyes both ways and looks back at Mulder.
Princetine: Nono I don't think so. Mulder sits back and continues to ponder while Scully rolls her eyes. I've been told that you two are investigating a series of deaths that occurred in California, Nevada, Utah, and Arizona.
Scully: Yes we have. Do you have any information on these occurrences?
Princetine: Did either of you look at the death certificates? Scully looks at Mulder and Princetine does the same. Mulder is still trying to remember where he had seen Princetine. He is suddenly aware at the fact that Scully and Princetine are staring at him. He jerks up and tries to look involved.
Scully: Mulder? Did you look at the death certificates like I told you?
Mulder: thinks and realizes he didn't. He tries not to let Scully know this UmYes. I did.
Scully: sighs No you didn't!
Mulder: How can you tell?
Princetine: Neither of you looked at the death certificates!? Mulder and Scully look down, ashamed. Well let me solve this case real quick. Heart attacks. There has been an increase of heart attacks in this country since the 1970s. We just didn't figure out the cause of death in these incidents was a heart attack until the first case had been sent to your department. Then we faxed a copy of the revised death certificate to you and assumed you had an open and shut caseuntil your supervisor called to ask if why you two were still flying from here to Maryland.
Mulder: defensive Hey now, we used Delta.
Scully: YOU DIDN'T READ THE DEATH CERTIFICATE?! Mulder!!!!!
Mulder: Yeahsuddenly realizes who Princetine is; points to him YOU'RE THAT GUY!
Scully: What guy? Mulder what are you talking about?
Princetine: trying to find a way to escape Get him out of here.
Scully: I'm sorryMulder? What guy?
Mulder: The briefs guy!
Princetine: gets scared Okay! I'll make a deal with you two. Not a word from either of you and I won't jeopardize your positions at the FBI. Scully gives a "Ha! What position" look. Mulder looks ecstatic.
Mulder: bolts up Okay, it's a deal! Scully sighs and looks at the floor disappointed at Mulder's negotiating skills.
Princetine: Well, have a good flight home
Mulder: Wait! That still doesn't explain the inchworms!
Scully: No it doesn't, but I can. There was a recent outbreak of inchworms in the Midwest. The inchworms here are attracted to human blood. They were able to attach themselves to the host by putting its teeth into the skin and sucking-rather like a leech. Blood contains nutrients and the inchworm wanted it. Mulder begins to speak No Mulder, that does not mean the inchworm is going to be a gigantic mutant that will take over the world. It's just that in this particular area, the inchworm has evolved to have the digestive enzymes for blood. This can be explained by the high crime rate and the fact that the area has little other nutrients-other than plants. Mulder, these inchworms were just simple genetic advancements. That's all. Or possibly their cells didn't complete mitosis correctly, or the DNA replication phase was interrupted for some reason and resulted in mutation. Things such as radiation and chemicals can cause this, and we are in the city. Another theory is that these organisms were a hybrid of something like a tick or leech or other blood-sucking organism and an inchworm. But these are all simple, logical explanations. Much like the final explanation for ourcase.
Mulder: says nothing and leaves. Scully gets up and follows him, leaving Princetine in his office.
Scene 24
EXT: PARK BENCH
FRIDAY (YES! AGAIN!)
11:34 AM
AHHTHE END OF THE WEEK. A CLOSING DAY. THE GRAND FINALE. AND FOR SOME REASON OUR HEROES ARE AT A PARK. AT 11:34. NO WONDER THEIR EMPLOYERS DON'T CARE MUCH FOR THEM.
Mulder is playing with a ball as Scully watches.
Scully: Mulder. Give the ball back to the kids. Mulder does so and flops down next to Scully on the bench.
Mulder: You're mean.
Scully: Okay Mulder. Gets up to leave
Mulder: Scully?
Scully: turns What?
Mulder: Happy New Years.
Scully: WHAT?
Mulder: thinks Ohthat's next week. Damn! To Chris (above) Can we re-do this scene?
Chris (intercom): very tired No. Just keep going. I'm tired of fixing your mistakes.
Scully: to Chris Hey, thanks for that logical thing. It was interesting.
Chris: happy You liked it? Thanks!
Mulder: ANYWAYSshe turns Ieyes grow wide and he begins to run. Scully turns and we see Diana Fowley running towards them, quite a mess. Scully rolls her eyes and runs to catch up with Mulder. When they do, Mulder wraps his arm around her waist and the scene fades out until it is just them running (not going anywhere) and then they disappear.
Scene 25
EXT: SOMEWHERE
CSM throws a yellow piece of paper into someone's hand. It reads:
Even though you had no idea they were even closed (stop)
The X-files have been reopened (stop)
Time: 37.30 min
Closing Credits. Perhaps something funny will be done there, but for now, it is just the closing credits.