humor
PG
Charlie and Wonka
slightly AU and slightly crack
The board room didn't get used very often, but Wonka's great factory did have one. Charlie Bucket and his partner sat staring at the telephone waiting to connect with their party, Wonka twisting around in his swivel chair.
"Mr. Bucket?" came the voice on the speakerphone.
"It's pronounced 'Bouquet.'" Charlie had gotten rather pretentious over the years.
"I'm sorry. Bouquet. It's a great privilege to hear from you."
"Thank you. Likewise, Mr. Hershey. How's the weather been out your way? Hot?"
"Mmm, yes. Very humid. I'll be glad when summer's over."
"Yes, enough pleasantries. I'm sure you're a busy man too. Let's cut right to the chase."
"Certainly."
"I understand you just bought out Scharffen Berger Chocolate Maker and Schmidt Confections."
"That's right."
"Business is going well, then?"
"Mm."
"Here too. So well, in fact... Well, how'd you like to consider coming in on a merger with us?" This was Charlie's version of a gentle proposal.
A deep silence met him. "Merge? With you?"
"Yeeees. Well, that's more or less the idea. What I had in mind...more exactly stated was, buying your company."
A long pause followed on the other end of the line.
"Mr. Hershey?"
"Still here," Hershey answered. He responded with a nervous chuckle. "I'm sorry, but I'm sure you must be joking about buying my chocolate empire. Is this--"
Interrupting loudly, Charlie spoke with brisk force. Time for the big guns. "Mr. Hershey, I have right here next to me Mr. Willy Wonka himself."
Wonka leaned unnecessarily close to the speakerphone. "Helloooo!" he said, grinning widely. He hated corporate business, but loved gadgets. He tried to push one of the phone's many buttons, but Charlie grabbed his wrist just in time.
Mr. Hershey returned the greeting. "Hello, Mr. Wonka! An even greater honor! But I'm afraid--"
"Sir, we are prepared with a very generous offer," Charlie interjected.
"What about my workers?" Hershey asked.
"Don't worry--we've got plenty of Oompa-Loompas to go around. They breed like rabbits. Randy little buggers."
"No! I mean, the local economy depends on Hershey Foods."
Wonka butted in. "Yes, well, it was a wrench to lose my workers to the competition too, but you'll get used to it." Charlie ignored this minor flare-up. It happened. Wonka slapped his hand on shiny desktop in a futile gesture, looking away.
Charlie continued, switching into salesman mode. "The factory will still be in operation. And I promise you won't be disappointed by the Oompa-Loompas."
"I'm afraid that's out of the question."
"Listen, before you decide, let me send you over a case of Oompa-Loompas. Try 'em out for a week. Let me know what you think."
Wonka whipped around to stare daggers at Charlie. Charlie shushed him with a gesture and shake of the head, indicating "just a bluff."
"Mr. Bucket--"
"BOUQUET!!"
"--Bouquet! Please, allow me to remind you who you're talking to here."
Charlie spoke serenely. "I'm quite aware of who you are, or else I wouldn't be talking to you. But come on, how can you really compete, eh? Don't forget who you're talking to. Come on. Come on. Come over to our side--we have cookies."
"No, think of the ramifications! What about the town of Hershey itself?" Mr. Hershey was running short on patience.
"Love your lampposts!" Wonka interjected.
"And what about Hersheypark? We've got a whole theme park based on my chocolate, for Christ's sake!"
"We'll take that too," Charlie replied. "Money is no object, sir, please stop worrying about that. We'll probably even keep it as an amusement park--change all the H's to W's." Wonka beamed proudly at this idea.
Hershey was attempting to break contact, using his most placating tone. "Mr. Bouquet, Mr. Wonka...I'm going to hang up now. The answer is no. I do not want to sell. Stop by the factory, though--anytime! Give you each a twenty-pound Hershey bar."
Wonka rolled his eyes and sneered. Charlie made a finger-down-the-throat gesture. It is for reasons such as this that television phones will never catch on.
"Listen, you know where to find us if you change your mind," Charlie said.
"I won't."
"Bye-eee!" Charlie called.
He punched the button to disconnect. He stared at Wonka. Wonka stared back. Unable to contain himself any longer, a giant grin spread across Charlie's reddening face, and he fell laughing hysterically onto the table. Willy Wonka too began to giggle uncontrollably. "That was priceless! 'Not my factory! Not my precious town!' Ha-ha! Who's next?"
Wonka consulted his list. "That does it for America. Let's ring Mr. Cadbury."
"Right!"
Apologies to Richard H. Lenny (the real CEO of Hershey's Chocolate), the factory employees, and Patricia Routledge :)