The beginning of an end
Disclaimer: I do not own anything connected to Mai Hime except for this little fic here.
--
What is love? It is an emotion, affection, reason or for people like me it is simply a word containing
four letters. Its meaning remained a mystery. Love was only empty words uttered to conceal a hidden
purpose. It may sound cold but it was reality in my world then. I never knew love yet I desperately
needed it. Do we all not do so? Seek it whether big or small, true or false, romantic or plain in life
or death. For who knows the true meaning of love? Even if we have felt it once we try to describe it
in writing, orally or by simply transform them into words we lose the meaning of love. Love is far
more mysterious than we are capable of describing in words. There are no words for it. Why? Because it
has the ability of making us feel sadness, hatred, confusion, frustration and powerless. It is capable
of transforming meaning and shape. Yet despite this we seek it and yearn for it.
--
Naturally I should also desire it. No matter how I deny it deep inside I do know. How much I also want
to be swept of my feet by a prince charming or anybody for that matter. My father and mother had very
high expectations of me. I was to be flawless and simply perfect. They demanded perfection and no more
or less. I never enjoyed life as a lady. In fact I despised the political games they played, the
sincerity they displayed while underneath plotting of how to benefit as greatly and from as many as
possible. In some way I learned to put up a mask. A barrier and show only what I wanted other to see.
I become numb to my emotions and the crying pleads from my heart. In the end I managed to successfully
both live up to my mother and fathers expectations while without fault learn the skill to always
maintain my polite smile no matter what. To much surprise wherever I went I always had a fan club in
school, constantly swooned by my grace and perfection. In the beginning I was… content. Everyone
wants or needs to be appreciated and admired. My fan club provided me with attention, compliments and
even lunch-boxes. At first I was flattered but with time I started to feel another unknown emotion not
yet explored, loneliness. People adored, admired and surely wished to be like me. I was the ideal
human being, everything they wanted to be. I was perfect and flawless thus the more reason they kept
their distance. They were afraid to ruin the perfect picture, afraid of what they might find if
exploring deeper. The horror of coming to close and perhaps ruin the "illusion". Never would anyone
dare to approach nor cross the line between acquaintance and friend. They wanted to be near but at the
same time keep a safe distance to prevent any emotional attachments. All they ever saw, and wanted to
see, was Fujino Shizuru the ideal person. Later my whole world turned upside down, for better or worse
I cannot say, for even I do not know.
--
It was a beautiful and sunny day. I was taking my usual route to the student council room. I was
"accompanied" by my fan club, when my eye caught an interesting beauty. I never bother with taking
the first step to interact with people. Perhaps it was becoming a habit that everyone sooner or later
was drawn to me and I never had to bother with that issue. Maybe it was for this reason she caught my
attention. Surely I would have remembered if I ever spoke with such a dazzling creature. She had
beautiful dark blue hair and creamy smooth skin all along with a very nice figure. Simplified she was
breathtaking. It was then I became rather puzzled. When did I ever comment on peoples figure? Before
that moment I never believed in what many people claimed "love at first sight" actually existed. But
currently in this situation I could no longer deny my hearts wishes, for I knew that not only my heart
but every part of me wanted to at least understand this girl. She portrayed everything I wanted to be.
She was free to come and go as she wishes. She always spoke what was on her mind but the most
important was her freedom to show any emotions freely. Something I have not done in a very long time
and still did not easily do. I realized that I was indeed a coward. Wanting something but never dare
to cross the line. I wanted someone to free me or give me a push, anything to be free and for me she
was like a summer breeze. I felt that even if I could not break free from my chains that perhaps I
could at least enjoy the nice breeze. I believe it was then I became addicted to this Kuga, Natsuki.
--
I never meant it. It was never any of my intentions to let it get out of control. I lost control. When
I first found Natsuki at the mercy of Nao she looked like she lost her soul. My whole being was filled
with rage, I was furious. But I was also scared. I was afraid to lose her. With time my addiction
became worse. I missed her, needed her and wanted her but deep down I knew such love as mine was
doomed to never be accepted. Not only by her, but also everyone around me. This was forbidden love,
something that existed but never to be uttered or displayed. It was considered wrong, filthy and
unnatural. They say it was never meant to be. It is always suppose to be a boy and girl. Then how come
I feel this way? If it is so wrong then why, why do I feel this attraction? Who decided what is wrong
or right? Never would anyone say that loving someone could be something so wrong yet we hesitate to
accept people who simply love as you or me. Love does not care for gender but humans do. We created
the word "Love". We gave these four letters its meaning and purpose but still we restrict it. Not
wanting to lose total control.We always have control and if not we simply rearrange after what we
think is the most appropriate. Ironic is it not? I, who always need control, falls victim for the same
purpose.
--
I convinced myself that the best solution would be to stay away, and let it subside. Logically it was
the best solution however; it does not mean my heart will simply comply with what my brain has
decided. Luckily during the so called "HIME festival" everyone was busy cleaning up after the damage
caused and I was left at peace for the moment. I knew that I would have to face my inner demons and
suffer the consequences of my actions. But I silently begged that the day never to come. I wanted just
a little more time, a little more time to observe the owner of my heart. Although she was beginning to
be able to speak with me normally I still saw the fear in her eyes whenever I came to close upon her.
How I wished I never had such a keen eye to be able to spot details. How I wished I could keep on
lying to myself and think that she one day will accept you, just keep holding on. However Natsuki is
too kind and innocent, even though when I that night took some of hers, she still has plenty left and
for that she will forgive me no matter how much pain she is in. For she feels that she owes me
something and will do anything just to keep me sane. I know I hurt her. I betrayed her trust. I killed
for her. And she feels responsible for my mad rampage. She hates me and still she cares for me. I will
always live with the burden of all the lives I have taken. Maybe if I had not lost control then
perhaps I would still be able to dream on about a life with her. But now it is different. The more I
am with her the more I will be reminded of the pain of rejection along with the crimes I committed. I
cannot go on but I do not want to stop. For the first time Fujino Shizuru is the one confused and
lost, or maybe I always was. Strangely somehow I keep wishing to be lost, to never be found and
forever remain in my maze.
This is my first attempt to writing a fic which means be nice if you are to criticize. English is not my mother tongue and I apologise for any grammar and spelling errors. Furthermore this is a prologue so now I hand over the power to you dear readers. This is a one-shot so drop a line or two and tell me if I should continue or simply drop the whole project cause it stinks to much .
Thanks for reading!