Well, what else can I say? If by any chance you read "The Simplst of Answers" you know that I had promised not to write anything with Rafael until I had actually read "Lady Midnight" but... my plans didn't quite work-out when Malec Week came and Lightwood-Bane family feels flooded me!
So, of course I'm deeply touched by Rafael's story and I obviously love the Lightwood-Bane family, but the thing is... everytime I read a story they made it seem like so easy, like Rafael had just fitted right in-and I don't mean he doesn't, but I expected to find something a bit more dramatic than just a "they lived happily ever after and everything was fine". I mean, with Rafael's background and everything he's been through I wanted a story that focused on how much Magnus and Alec had to work to get him to actually acclimatize to a loving family. Probably just crazy ideas of mine, but still, that's why I wrote this little something!
And, without further ado, I'll finally let you read!
Silent Pledge
If you had asked Alexander Lightwood what was the most tiring thing of being a parent, he would have answered the volatility with which bad days turned into good ones and good days turned into bad ones.
Yet, had you asked what was what he enjoyed the most when it came to his family, he would have answered the same thing.
Alexander loved his children, loved them more than he could even try to put into words, and that was no surprise. He had always dreamed of having a family, of childish voices calling him 'Daddy!' and of small arms outstretched for him to pick small children up.
That however, did not mean it was always easy. That also couldn't cover up the fact that, from time to time, he felt like the worst parent in history plainly because he had no clue of what to do.
Truth to be told, he messed things up, he knew, just like he was aware that, after the mistakes he oh-so surely made, he would have to come up with a way of fixing them.
Certainly, it was easier with Max than it was with Rafael, but neither he nor Magnus could, by any means, blame that on the shadowhunter boy.
To be honest, it was not a matter of how good or how bad-behaved Rafael was, not when the kid was trying as hard as he could to understand what it meant to have a family and a place to call home. It was merely that, after how long he'd been deprived of a family, the possibility of being loved or wanted was foreign to him.
For example, when he'd just arrived to live with them, he barely spoke, let alone English, the first time they'd encountered Rafael he had been living in the streets for three years already, and, as it was to be expected in such a case, he had a massive speech delay, even if only taking into consideration his abilities to communicate in Spanish.
The first six months he'd spent with them were also a great representation of that. When he'd just arrived, the nightmares that woke him up on a daily basis were a bad thing for sure, but it was somehow worse to see him eat, not because he was bad-mannered and had no notion of what cutlery meant ―which was, in fact, true― but rather because such behavior let see the reason behind it, a constant reminder that the sweet boy who sat at their table had been deprived of care for so long.
It was getting better―that was what Alec whispered to Magnus whenever a night was remarkably bad. It would get better―that was what Magnus' eyes read whenever things started to heat up.
Certainly, either of them were lying, but there was still a long way to go.
The incident of that day was only one more example of that quandary.
It was an accident, an action so mundane Alec didn't stop to even think it could go wrong. Of course, not only was that a possibility, but it soon turned into a certainty.
They were running late for a meeting at the Institute. Fortunately, it was not a job meeting, just a family gathering, so there was not that much of a hurry, even when Alec preferred to be punctual.
It did not help, of course, that they had decided to travel the mundane way and take the subway.
Magnus and Alec were very aware that opening a portal would get them to their destiny in minutes, if not seconds, but there was a certain beauty to the way things were done without magic and rather by human invention. Well, at least that was what Alec thought; Magnus still argued it would be better to just teleport there, although he yielded to whatever the Lightwood asked.
The subway, however, was not even their biggest problem or the cause everything went to hell.
"Rafael, put on your coat, please" Alec called as he emerged from the kitchen, entering to the living room, while he busied himself by checking that the windows were closed in case it rained, Magnus and Max already standing by the door to gesture they were ready, Rafael sitting on the couch placed in front of the television.
Stubbornly, the aftermentioned denied with his head, although Alec didn't notice until a few minutes later when he turned again to face his family.
"Rafael, your coat," the shadowhunter repeated with a raised eyebrow.
"I don't want to," the boy replied, his voice low but firm all the same.
"Rafe, it's cold outside. Put on your coat," Alec said once more, noting the already known tense atmosphere in the air that preceded an argument.
"I said I don't want to," Rafael replied, not actually yelling, but not far from it as he jumped off the couch.
"Rafael, don't speak like that to your father," Magnus piped in from his spot at the door.
"He's not my father," the boy snapped before taking off to his room, slamming the door.
For a moment, they remained silent, a dense immobility that seemed forced and unnatural. A heavy atmosphere that they knew well but were still not sure of how to handle.
Blinking back with resignation, Alec sighed under his breath, trying to make up his mind and decide if it was wise to go after Rafael or if he should give him at least a few minutes to compose himself.
Finally, Max tugged at Magnus' hand.
"Is Rafe okay?" he asked, blinking owlishly at his father.
That summarized it quite well, Alec thought with a sad smile. Despite Rafael's hurtful words all they cared about was how the boy felt at the moment.
From across the room, Magnus asked with a pleading gaze to be relieved.
"He will be," Alec answered, his reply not feeling as certain as he made it sound for the sake of the young warlock. "I've got this. You stay here with Papa and everything will be alright."
"I'll call Maryse to tell her we'll be late," Magnus replied with a small grimace.
Alec nodded, mimicking Magnus' expression before he turned on his heels, walking down the hall towards the boys' room.
Naturally, his mother would understand, he told himself. After all, they'd had Rafael with them for almost a year now, she knew what it meant to have a hard time with the boy.
She wouldn't even mind and, honestly, Alec didn't either, not in true. Most parents would have been outraged at such a tantrum, but Alec was mostly... disappointed, worried.
That was his son they were talking about, a sweet child barely older than six who had been isolated for so long he had a difficult time comprehending human interactions.
Rafael wasn't being disrespectful. There was no malice behind his voice and no real venom to his words. He was just stating that he didn't understand the reason behind Magnus and Alec wanting him in their family and, therefore, he was terrified of it, most of all, because if there was no reason as to why they wished for him to be there then it just made sense that at some point they didn't require him anymore.
"Rafe, can I enter?" Alec inquired as he knocked at the door once he reached the room. "It's just me."
"Go away," came as his shaky reply.
"Rafe, I need to go inside because I'm worried about you, sweetheart," he tried to explain, his hand already on the doorknob. "I just want to see that you're okay."
Holding his breath, Alec mentally counted up to ten. There was no reply, not even a thunderous crash or a muffled sob, so he decided to take that as a silent agreement for his appearance.
Which clearly was not, he dwelled on once he entered the room and found Rafael staring at him with a resentful glare.
"Rafe, what's wrong?" Alec asked softly, squatting in front of the boy, who stood between the hall-like space created by his and Max's beds, arms crossed over his small chest.
"I told you to go away," Rafael replied pointedly.
"I know you did, but I'm worried," Alec continued to explain patiently. "I wanted to see if I could help you, and I had to come in to do that, right?"
"You can't," Rafael muttered, his eyes suddenly turned to the floor. "Now you can go".
"Rafe, listen to me, I know you're upset, but can you please tell me what you're worried about?" Alec tried once more, ignoring the rude way in which Rafael decided to turn his back at him.
"I said go away. Go away already," the boy repeated, though this time, at least, Alec heard something akin to a pleading in the undertone of his son. There it was, he thought, that underlying insecurity that was always behind such an outburst when it came to his eldest.
"Rafe, please―"
"No! Go away! I don't like you!" Rafael replied, hopping to his bed ―the one to Alec's left―, gripping the green duvet that covered the mattress with small hands that had turned into fists.
"Rafe, I do like you, please calm down," Alec tried, straightening to step forward―which was probably not at all a wise move to make.
"Go away," Rafael cried, his fidgety hands suddenly around his pillow before he turned in one swift move, throwing the bedding at his father, with bad aim, though, as Alec didn't even have to duck away to dodge the improvised weapon, which continued its course harmlessly until it crashed against the slightly ajar door.
"Rafael, please listen to me," Alec tried with little aplomb, knowing very well that things were already bound to get out of hand.
Soon enough, everything that Rafe could get his small hands on was taking a one-way ticket in attempt ―more infructuous than it was serious― of hitting Alec.
The shadowhunter bit his lower lip. Now, this was an example of those times in which he didn't know whether if he was messing things up or not.
He wasn't mad, he couldn't bring himself to be when there was something so close to panic in Rafael's eyes. Rather than that, he was worried because maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there who would know what to do when Rafael got worked up like that, instead of the cluelessness with which Magnus and he had been forced to face the situation.
A part of him hadn't stopped wondering ―let alone since they'd taken Rafael in, but since Max's unexpected appearance― whether or not if he was good enough to watch over those children.
On the other hand, there was not a thing Magnus and he wouldn't have done just to prove themselves in the eyes of both their children, but especially to Rafael, to make the boy believe their words of affect, to make him forget what he had been through. And if Alec had to be targeted, let alone with a pillow, with a knife, for that to become a reality, then so be it.
Unsure about whether or not if he should try to talk to Rafael again or just let him release the confused rage he was so obviously being a victim of, Alec chose upon merely evading the items being thrown at him.
After the pillow came Rafael's red pajama, which had been neatly folded under the previously propelled item, then Max' stuffed Cookie Monster which, for some reason unknown to Alec had been on eldest's bed. Then, Rafael tried to pull over the duvet of the bed to send it flying too, action that didn't quite work out mainly because he was sitting on the green cover.
Letting out a frustrated groan that to Alec sounded more like a strangled whimper, Rafael reached out for the electronic clock of big, red numbers that rested on the drawer that separated Max's and Rafael's bed with a shaking hand.
It was when Rafael tried to pull the device and failed again due to it being plugged ―which made the boy cry again with a high-pitched sound of distress that put Alec on the edge― that the older shadowhunter decided he had to do something.
Things were escalating quickly and while he still wasn't sure of how to do it, he was now ready to stand in and try to talk with Rafael again.
"Rafael, stop!" he said, not noticing he had yelled until he saw Rafael flinch, wrapping his small arms around himself, all other movement ceased. "Stop, baby, please" he repeated then, in a softer voice, stepping forward, only to make Rafael crawl away from him until his back was flat against the wall of the room, the furthest he could be from his father.
"See? I told you" the boy hiccupped, and before Alec had time to ask what he was talking about, he added. "You're tired of me. You don't want me anymore."
"Rafael, baby―"
"You've never wanted me. I told you" he repeated, allowing the first of his tears to roll down his cheeks.
"Oh, Rafe" Alec let out with a grimace, as he came to sit on the bed, trying to catch a glimpse of his son's dark eyes. "Don't say that".
"Why not? It's true" the boy argued in a whisper, his orbs turned to the clock he had just assaulted. "You'll leave. You'll all leave".
"I'm not going anywhere" Alec replied softly, knowing there was no point in trying going over the 'You're part of our family now' speech. "I'm not going anywhere" Alec repeated, meaning more than the fact that he wasn't leaving the room.
"You are. You all are" Rafael whimpered, violent sobs descending from his spine.
Choosing the wisest thing to do was to not say anything, but to act instead, Alec reached out for Rafael, slowly taking the boy into his arms.
Rafael's first reaction was to push him away and scoot further on the mattress, although there was no more space. However, the second time Alec's arms gestured to wrap around him, Rafael was too busy crying to have the strength to jerk out of his reach.
"It's okay, baby, it's okay" Alec said, wrapping both of his arms securely around the boy's figure as he pulled him to his lap, which caused Rafael to draw his legs to his chest, hiding his face between his knees, maybe in an attempt to stop Alec from touching him as much as he could, maybe to stop his body from shaking. "I'm here, Rafe, it's okay."
He held him, one of his hands on top of the boy's curly hair, gently allowing him deeper into the curve of his neck in the offer of a shelter, his other arm wrapped around the child's shoulders tightly as he drew soothing circles on his son's back without him having thought of doing so, almost as in a second nature.
He didn't say anything, for he knew Rafael didn't need that. He barely understood what he said, after all, and words couldn't convey what he really wanted to express, so he remained silent, wordlessly stroking his son's hair and rocking him back and forth as he paced from one side of the room to the other, making sure his arms circled Rafael tightly, not in fear that the kid would try to come out of his grip, but mainly because he knew that, as he couldn't make Rafael understand with words, he needed to make him feel what he wanted to say.
"You're ours now," Alec whispered into Rafael's ear at some point, his lips pressing a kiss to the child's temple. "You're okay, baby. I'm here," he repeated, feeling the small boy in his arms let go of the tension in his muscles until he finally dared rest his head on Alec's shoulders, his hands turned to fists and gripping tightly the fabric of his father's shirt.
On his side, Alec continued caressing his son's hair gently for a while longer, even when Rafael was no longer crying, even when Rafael's sobs had muffled to shaky hiccups.
It wasn't until a few minutes later that Alec sat down on Rafael's the bed, cradling his son in his lap.
"Now, that's better, isn't it?" he said, pulling back slowly as if not to startle Rafael, rising his right hand to wipe away the remains of tears from the boy's cheeks.
Eyes held downcast, his son nodded with a sniffle, the tiniest waver to his lower lip.
"I'm sorry" he let out in a small voice.
"Hey, it's okay. You did nothing wrong" Alec replied affectionately, leaning down to press a kiss to Rafael's forehead. "Let's tell that to Max and Papa so we can get going, okay?" he offered, receiving a downcast nod as answer.
Normally, Alec would have left it at that, but in that moment he was worried, and so he reached up for Rafael's chin and gently forced him to look up.
"Maybe we can get ice cream before heading to the Institute to make Uncle Jace jealous, how does that sound?" he suggested, earning himself another wordless nod.
Rafael took his proposal as a cue and solicitously jumped from his lap, waiting for Alec to stand up before he headed to the door.
As they walked, Alec reached down to rest his left hand on Rafael's shoulder, just a touch to let him know he was there―but Rafael jerked away. Lips pressed into a thin line, Alec decided not to push him further, stepping back as he continued to walk behind his son without gesturing to touch him again, although his fingers fidgeted with the need to do it, to make sure Rafael was alright.
It would always surprise him, he decided, how the times when children were being the rudest and the most bad-mannered were the ones in which they needed the most to be reassured.
He knew there was nothing he ―or Magnus, or anyone else for that matter― would have done to foresee an outburst like that. It wasn't as bad as it had been the first few months, and, even if it sounded like a lame comfort, it was better than not having anything to cling on to.
Sometimes, Rafael just didn't feel he deserved to have a family, they knew. Sometimes he still thought that at some point Magnus and him would decide that they didn't want him anymore and throw him back onto the streets. There was no real trigger for those thoughts―at least Magnus and he had yet to find it. They could peacefully be having dinner and then, out of nowhere, Rafael would start avoiding them or accusing them of not wanting him.
It was a sickening feeling of worry that Magnus and he had learned to carry around and ignore, a constant feeling of apprehension that somehow always found a way of filling the rooms of their apartment. Of course, sooner or later, every confused and terrified emotion Rafael had been bottling up exploded and something like the previous events happened.
Coming out of his musings with a blink, Alec realized he had other things to worry about once they reached the living room, in which Magnus and Max were still waiting for them patiently.
Magnus, leaning down on the wall next to the door sent him a worried glance as soon as they reappeared; Alec could only nod grimly. Yes, Rafael was alright. Yes, they could handle it. Sure, Rafael was getting better―but that did not change the heart-wrenching feeling both of them got whenever such clear evidence of how much that child they now called their son had suffered.
On the other hand, Max, as soon as he saw his brother, jumped off the couch he was sitting on and ran straight to Rafael, crashing against him with such strength that only the shadowhunter's quick reflexes stopped them from both ending on the ground.
"Rafi!" the young warlock declared, wrapping his arms around his brother fiercely.
Alec held his breath. Rafael did not like sudden movements; Rafael did not appreciate being touched without as much as a warning of the contact before it came; Rafael had been isolated too long for him to understand human interactions.
Max, boisterous and loud and trustful clearly did not care.
Two seconds went by, then three, then five, and Rafael's arms remained lax by the sides of his body. Alec bit his lower lip. A part of him wanted to jump in and separate Max from Rafael to spare his youngest the feeling of rejection. The other one wanted to take Rafael into his arms and promise him he'd be alright.
Just as the shadowhunter debated whether or not if he should step inside, Rafael started to raise his arms. Clumsily, he wrapped them around the small warlock, mimicking Alec's previous movements, a hand on top of Max's hair and his right arm circling the boy's waist.
Unable to fight back a smile at the sight, Alec let out the air he'd been holding in a long sigh. Vaguely, he heard Magnus do the same from his spot at the door.
It was through moments like that one when he thought they were doing something right, when he believed Rafael would be okay; that Rafael, with his shy smile that didn't seem quite comfortable in his lips and those brown eyes that pleaded for a gentle praise but didn't dare approach for the fear that a caress would turn into a fist would be fine and know how loved he was.
Keeping his voice too low for his parents to hear, Rafael whispered something into Max's ear. The warlock nodded vigorously against his brother's chest before letting go of him and promptly stepping back to stand next to Magnus.
"I'm sorry" Rafael said again in a small voice, this time, Alec suspected, directing to Magnus.
"That's okay, kiddo" Magnus replied, gently ruffling Rafael's hair before his hand, in one swift movement, reached for his son's chin and applied pressure to make Rafael look up at him, smiling encouragingly at the boy. "Let's all move on because your grandma must be desperate to see you and we don't want to make her wait any more, do we?"
Turning his eyes back to the floor as soon as Magnus let go, Rafael nodded almost negligibly.
"Now, time to go" Alec announced, glancing at Rafael's coat that had been left on the couch. He decided to leave it there, no need to push the matter further. After all, if Rafael did get cold Magnus could always conjure the cloth from the house to the Institute.
As if on cue, Max outstretched his small blue arms for Magnus, who was too weak to remember he was supposed to let Max walk while he held his hand and leaned down to pick him up.
Rolling his eyes, Alec reached for the keys that hung from the wall, knowing he was the only one who would remember such a mundane thing to do as Magnus opened the door and checked the lights of the apartment were off. Solicitously, Rafael followed the warlocks out of the apartment, waiting for Alec to lock the door.
Magnus and he had agreed on giving their children an education that included both the mundane and the shadoworld, mostly, because they wanted Max and Rafael to be able to decide between the pros and cons of both sites and choose which one they preferred.
If they wanted to live a perfectly mundane life with the help of their especial abilities like Aunt Cat, then that was alright. If, on the other hand, they wanted to dedicate their lives to the shadoworld, then so be it, but they wanted their sons to know what they were getting into.
"Let's go" Alec said, offering his left hand to Rafael mindlessly as he took the keys out of the lock.
He only noticed something was wrong when Rafael didn't gesture to take it. Knowing better than to ask aloud what was bothering him, Alec turned to his son.
Next to him, Rafael's eyes were focused on the way Max's blue arms wrapped around Magnus' neck, the older warlock's arm securely circling Max's waist. Biting his lower lip, Alec couldn't help the pang of guilt that overcame him when he saw the wistful way in which Rafael's gaze followed Magnus' movements as the warlock, almost absently, stroked his son's back.
"You just have to ask" Alec whispered, startling Rafael, who looked back at him owlishly. At least he raised his gaze, Alec thought vaguely.
Smiling softly, Alec leaned down to take the boy in his arms, rejoicing in how Rafael didn't jerk away from his touch, even when he let out a surprised yelp as Alec scooped him up.
"That's alright," Alec whispered, brushing his lips against the boy's forehead in a tender reassurance. "I've got you."
Slowly, Alec felt his son's muscles relax, until Rafael finally allowed himself to support his head on Alec's shoulder, letting out a soft sigh, as if to prove he believed Alexander's words.
Alec smiled, feeling the knot that had been tied on his chest undo itself as Rafael's arms reached up to circle his neck. It would be fine, he decided, with time, with effort, but it would be. There was still a long way to go, he was aware, but, even if that meant that often times he'd find himself improvising his actions, it would be alright.
And, for the moment, that promise, that silent pledge, was all he needed.
First of all, I want to give a huge shoutout to Rosycat who very kindly beta-read this little something!
I really hope you enjoyed this and... read you soon!