What Would I Be Without You

Disclaimer: If I told you that at 11:11 every night I wish to own them, would you really think they're mine? Well, they're not.

A/N: Thanks so much to Sam, the bestest friend ever, for coming up with a title for this story. And for telling me that it didn't suck, because I'm stuck in that phase of thinking everything I write sucks. So I wanted to post this before I decided on completely ripping it up and throwing it away. I got the idea for this one-shot last night and wrote it all at once, then went over and edited it all day. I enjoyed writing this so I hope you enjoy reading it, or at least get something out of it. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!!!

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I am finding out that maybe I was wrong

That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

- Paramore (My Heart)

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She dropped the white stick onto the counter and stepped back as if the plastic had burned her. Resting her arms on the counter, away from the offending object, her head fell atop her crossed arms as if she could no longer hold up its weight, and hid her eyes from the brightness of the bathroom lights. She had known something was off, and had off-handedly mentioned what she had been feeling to Catherine. Her coworker had explained that she had felt the same way during her first trimester with Lindsey. That was what convinced Sara to buy a home pregnancy test.

"Shit… Shit. Shit. Shit," she muttered under her breath. Pushing off and away from the granite counter top, she wrapped the test in toilet paper and put it in the garbage under the sink. Out of sight, out of mind. That saying wasn't going to work for her in this particular situation.

She placed a hand to her flat stomach, not believing that there was a little person growing inside her, depending on her for life. Her hands started to shake as her mind flitted to everything she knew about babies, the information was limited. And surely Grissom knew even less.

Grissom.

They never considered kids, never questioned their long-term relationship or their thoughts on babies, except for deciding that Sara would go on a birth control pill. The conversation never went any further than that. She had never asked him if he wanted kids. No, she was sure he wouldn't want a baby. He would think of himself as too old to be chasing after a toddler. And he would also list all the reasons why he couldn't, or shouldn't, be a father at his age. Either way, he was too busy with work to consider anyone more in his personal life, he wasn't good at relationships. Sara had been presented with enough difficulty to be accepted into his private life, but a baby? Yes, babies were cute, but that wouldn't be reason enough for him to open up "their" world and be responsible for a small, helpless human being.

Hell, she knew nothing on how to handle a baby, or go through a whole nine month pregnancy. Anything she knew was learned in a biology classroom, and all viewed from the scientific perspective.

She didn't even want kids either. Had never wanted kids, or desired a relationship (until Grissom) for that matter, afraid she would one day look in the mirror and realize she'd ended up just like her mother, exactly like her father had threatened her she would. But Grissom never was and never would be like her father. Grissom…loved her, but was that love too fragile? Would it be too easy for it to be destroyed or forgotten? Especially when faced with as big a commitment as a baby.

What kind of mother could she possibly be anyway? Sara never had a good mother figure growing up; she wouldn't know how to treat her child. What would scar the child for life and what would show the child love was hard to determine. And her child deserved its innocence, because Sara never had hers. She pulled double and triple shifts on a regular basis, and even someone as inept as her knew that wouldn't be good for the baby, whether during the pregnancy or after the child was born. She wouldn't be able to use as much overtime as everyone expected from her each month. If she continued to work such crazy hours she wouldn't have any time with the baby, and Sara wouldn't want the child to grow up feeling neglected and unloved.

Yes, on both of their salaries and savings there would be no problems supporting a baby. The money was enough to buy a new house located in a nice area, with a big backyard and a highly regarded school nearby, and there would still be enough money to see the child through college. But did either of them really want that? Having to make sure to consider the child's needs first in terms of any, and every, decision made? And what if they made the wrong choice? Neither of them would want their child to have to deal with the consequences of their mistake.

Who would watch the child? After all they were both working Grave, work at night and sleep during the day, a wacky schedule as it was, but with a baby included? Could it even be done? It would be next to impossible to find a babysitter willing to work nights and during the day when both parents would be in the house but sleeping. The babysitter would have to be willing to stay in their house, and it would have to be someone they both trusted. Having a live-in-nanny would be possible. But Sara didn't think she'd be able to put complete trust in the hands of a total stranger, especially when it came to her baby. A relative would be best, but Sara's were non-existent and Grissom's mother lived too far away to just pick up her life and move to Las Vegas, the City of Sin. And Sara doubted she would want to anyway.

Vegas.

It was no place for a child to be raised. Their job was proof enough of that already. Too many innocent children killed by the darkness Vegas brought out in people. But Warrick had turned out well, living in Las Vegas all his life and raised by his grandmother. He did have his own problems though, gambling none the less. It was Las Vegas after all; he must've been exposed to the addiction as kid. It would make sense that the influence would have negative effects on him in the future. The city was dangerous. If they bought a house, it would have to be a great distance from the heart of the city, meaning further away from the crime lab, lengthening their commutes to work. No more being called in when a new scene was discovered or there was a break in a case, and no dropping in to catch up on paperwork simply because you were in the area. They wouldn't have any free time to even think about those things with a baby to consider.

And what would happen to their jobs, their careers, basically their lives, after their relationship would be exposed? Rumors would fly. The lab director would be mad, in other words Ecklie would be pissed. And all their cases and convictions could be open for debate, doubt now being casted on their work and credibility.

Realistically, could they keep this child? Even if they did both wanted it? It just didn't seem possible; all the consequences were there, easily outweighing the positives of the situation. Everything was pushing her to pick up the phone and find out where the closest abortion clinic was located, but a little voice in her head was nagging her, persuading her to call her doctor in order to find out about taking prenatal vitamins and to schedule the first ultrasound. Could she really…kill her baby? That's what the abortion really was after all. It would get rid of her problems but also end the life of the little person inside her, a baby that was half her, half Grissom. And relying on her for survival. She couldn't possibly be further than two months along; surely the option of an abortion was still possible. But the thought of it made her stomach churn. How could she love something so much, that five minutes ago, she hadn't known existed? How did she care so deeply for someone that she'd never met, or maybe didn't truly exist? After all, the test could've showed a false positive.

There. That was the bright side. A false positive. Maybe she was letting all these worries drive her crazy for nothing. Her mind cleared of all her thoughts about the baby for a brief moment as she realized she was no longer in the bathroom, instead sitting on the couch in the living room, her hands keeping a death grip on the edge of the cushions. She loosened her fingers from the plush cushions as relief began to course through her veins, slowing her hammering heart, though her hands continued to shake.

Jumping up from her seated position she began to pace the length of the living room. Her arms crossed over her chest, on hand at her mouth as she bit her fingernails in worry, nerves getting the best of her as the past two months replayed in her mind like snapshots.

All the signs were there, she admitted, reviewing everything that had happened which seemed slightly out of the ordinary for her. She had been more exhausted than usual, feeling worn out, actually needing a few days off from work to recuperate after attempting to pull a triple shift. She was eating more; Grissom had brought that to her attention. He'd said she could use the extra food, having eaten too little for too long mixed with skipping meals in their entirety, even though that had gotten better after she moved in with Grissom because he would make sure she ate three meals a day, worrying about her health. She had also missed her period twice, but that lack of blood was made up for at the crime scenes of Vegas' most recent serial killer. She hadn't thought about it as anything more than stress and her own irregularity. She'd had a few dizzy spells too, losing her balance at a crime scene and passing out on Nick and Greg. She had chalked up the fainting to her lack of energy and sleep because of the serial case. She had managed to keep the dizzy spells and fainting secret from Grissom, threatening the guys not to tell anyone about her moments of weakness. She had also stopped eating properly because, for a few days longer than a week, she had been throwing up constantly…Nobody that she knew of had caught that bug, come to think of it, and Grissom had made sure to stay at her side the whole time. He'd never gotten sick either. Her emotions had been out of her control, too, as of late, causing Grissom to be walking on eggshells around her, and she didn't understand what was setting her off. Why exactly had she cried over that B&E last week? And why hadn't any of this struck her as odd before she mentioned it to Catherine? How could she not of realized what her body was telling her?

The slamming of a car door made her jump, yanking her from her racing thoughts, which were quickly putting her in panic mode. It was Grissom. He was home. And she'd have to tell him. The headlights of his car had brightened the room through the windows, which was a sign that he had arrived home because he would always park his car in the space right in front of the townhouse. If she hadn't been so stuck in her head she would've noticed the flash of light. Sara abruptly stopped her pacing, choosing to make coffee in favor of the movements disguising her trembling hands from Grissom.

He came into the living room, closing the front door. Grissom knew something was off when Sara seemed too preoccupied to greet him or simply turn in his direction. He set down his things and then came over to her in the kitchen, studying her hands for a moment as she continuously clenched and unclenched her fists.

"Coffee's almost ready," she informed him, her voice distant. He nodded though she hadn't turned her head to have seen the motion. She usually acknowledged his arrival home with a kiss or at the very least a smile that brightened her warm brown eyes. His fingers wrapped around her wrist and trailed to wrap around her fingers, but she jerked away from his touch.

"Honey, what's wrong?" he asked, concerned about her behavior.

"Nothing… Nothing's wrong. I… I'm fine," she replied, stuttering out her words as she kept her eyes trained on the coffeemaker.

"Sara-," he started to say, his voice softening with worry.

"Nothing's wrong, Grissom!" she said, her tone frustrated and her voice rising in anger. He stepped away, giving her some space. Her eyes closed and a hand went to her forehead. "I'm sorry, Gil… I uh, I have a headache." It wasn't entirely a lie; everything that had gone through her head earlier had taken its toll. The coffee finished gurgling and she retrieved two mugs from the cabinet, pouring the coffee into each cup.

Grissom was detail-oriented, and therefore he didn't miss the slight changes in his girlfriend. Her complexion had paled significantly, the freckles on her skin more prominent than usual. She was troubled by something. That much was obvious by the conflict of emotions in her eyes. She passed him a mug of coffee and the black liquid sloshed up the sides of the mug because of her shaking hands. Sara took a sip of her coffee and then disappeared into their bedroom, with no explanation as to why she was acting the way she was.

Her eyes stung with unshed tears as she stepped into the bedroom and shut the door, leaning back on the wood for a breath and swiping at her eyes.

No, Grissom wouldn't want the baby, but…I do.

Sara yanked a suitcase from the closet. She needed to get away; she couldn't stay with a man who'd be angry with her for getting pregnant. Her assumptions were illogical, and if she would just take the time to really consider the situation, she would realize that Grissom wouldn't ever blame her or leave her on her own to deal with this. But her fears had made up her mind, deciding how Grissom would react before actually telling him, even if her thoughts were completely off from reality. She wiped tears angrily from her cheeks as she began tossing things into the suitcase that now lay open on the bed.

Grissom was confused by the sounds he was hearing from the bedroom. Drawers were being slammed, the closet door hit against the wall, and things were yanked from hangers, the hangers then snapping back and hitting against the wall, the sound echoing out of the bedroom. Cautiously he opened the bedroom door, peeking in to see a suitcase opened on the bed, with clothing being thrown in its general direction.

"Sara?" he called. She didn't turn to face him or acknowledge that he was watching her jerky movements. Grissom caught her swiping tears from her face, her eyes appearing rather red and bloodshot.

He stepped up beside her against the dresser. His hands wrapped around her wrists, and she tried to pull away from him but he gently tugged her arms to make her turn and face him. She kept her head down, looking at the carpet between their feet. He lifted her chin in order to see her eyes, clouded with emotions. Unsure of herself, she started to answer his silent question.

"I um…need some time to…think," she shrugged, her voice soft and weak.

"Sara, please, tell me what's bothering you. I want to help," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"You won't want to when…when I tell you…"

"Tell me what?" he questioned.

"That I…um…that I'm…" she trailed off, giving up. She wasn't able to force the words out, saying it would mean that the baby was all too real.

"That you're pregnant?" he said, squeezing her hands. Her eyes widened in shock and fear, she looked small and vulnerable at that moment, so unlike the Sara he knew so well. She seemed to have been shocked speechless, unable to get the words out that would ask him how he knew. He answered her silent inquiry anyway. "Catherine mentioned that you had confided in her the other night, told her you hadn't been feeling well for a few weeks and that she suggested you might be pregnant. Catherine actually tried to rub it in my face too, saying how it was too late for me to get my head out of the microscope, whatever that means, but I had stopped listening and was already halfway out of the lab to come talk to you."

Her eyes still showed fear and they were now wet with fresh tears and raw emotion. His expression was hopeful, and it left her feeling confused.

"You're not angry?" she asked, sniffling as she fought back an onslaught of tears.

"Oh, Honey… No, never," he said, kissing her forehead again. His hand combed through her hair, cupping the back of her head. "Is that what you've been scared about? That I'd leave you all alone with a child? …I love you too much too ever hurt you like that, Sara. I thought you knew that." She responded by tucking her body into his arms and burying her face in the crook of his neck. His shirt was thoroughly soaked with tears before she lifted her head just enough so he could hear her whisper, "Can we keep it?"

"Yes, Honey… Of course. Anything that's created from our love will be beautiful… I could never imagine giving up our child."

"Good, because I didn't plan to," she said, her voice muffled by his shoulder as she reveled in the feel of his arms around her. A minute passed by unnoticed before either of two spoke again.

"Do you think we can do this? Raise a child?" Sara asked.

"We'll find a way, Honey. We'll make it work, and we have months to figure it out. And I'm sure we'll have a whole family of friends helping us, all the support we could ever possibly need." His reassurances eased her worries. It would work out. And everything would be okay; she believed that now because Grissom would be at her side through it all. She would no longer have to go through this life-altering experience alone. And while their baby would have two inexperienced parents (then again, what first time parents weren't?), the child would also have two loving parents, for better or for worse.

FIN

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Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own

But what would it be without you?

- Paramore (My Heart)

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A/N: Please Review! I'd really like to know what you thought of this story because I think my opinion is slightly biased :P