Going under
A quick flash was running past his office. Grissom recognised her form. It was Sara, his Sara. Only she didn't know that… yet. But he was planning to tell her today.
He wandered what had bitten her. The latest time she easily lost her temper. He went after her and found her in the break room.
"What's wrong Sara?"
"Go ask the blond one!" she snapped. Grissom gazed at her questioningly. He knew she had one of her mood swings.
"You know, my supervisor!"
"Oh you mean Catherine? What happened?"
"Don't wanna talk about it." The look in her eyes saddened.
"Wanna go for a drink after shift?"
Grissom was surprised by her sudden change of subject.
"You know that's not possible", he heard himself say. He could hit himself to the head for that.
"Why not? Nothing special. Let's just see what happens." Her last spark of hope sparkled in her eyes.
"It's better…" he started.
"Never mind. Forget I've asked! You know what, forget I even exist!" And with that she fled out of the room, crying.
Grissom was left behind speechless. He decided he would go see her after shift.
Sara heard a soft knocking on the door. She opened it but wanted to shut it immediately when she saw who was there. Only Grissom was quicker and had already entered her apartment.
"What do you want?"
"I want to talk to you." His face was sad. "Please don't shut me out. I came here to tell you…" he pleaded but she interrupted him.
Now I will tell YOU what I've done for you.
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you.
And you still won't hear me!
I'm going under!
Grissom's heart broke. She could see it in his eyes. Just right, she thought, now he knows how I feel.
He felt her mentally slipping through his fingers like sand.
"Don't say that Sara! I don't want you to feel like this. You don't have to. That's why I came here. I came to tell you I love you. It took me quite some time I know, but I finally found the courage to face you and tell you." He was desperate and she knew it. But it was all too late. Sara hadn't had enough strength left to fight for their relationship. She didn't believe in it any longer.
Don't want you hand this time I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once.
Not tormented daily defeated by you.
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom.
Why should she believe? Everything he said and did to her was one big lie. The many steps she had made to get through to his world had turned out to be useless. Every time she got rejected and deceived once more. She couldn't take it any longer. She didn't want to.
I'm dying again.
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever.
I've got to break through.
I'm going under.
Grissom felt helpless, guilty. His Sara was almost literally collapsing and it was all his fault. If he hadn't been such a loner it wouldn't have come this far.
Sara thought back of their time in San Francisco. She was still a student and he was guest lecturer for a month. Back then it was the greatest time of her life. They went out together, drank together, ate together, slept together. They practically lived together. Then came the day they had to say their goodbyes. A promise was made to e-mail each other every day. But after a few months every contact was broken and each went their own ways again. Until the day he called her to come to Vegas. She hadn't hoped for much when she returned to Grissom, but got even less. He rejected her, tried not to run into her, avoided every contact.
Then came the explosion in the lab. She saw the worries in his eyes. He took care of her like before and even called her honey again. Her hopes returned until he rejected her again. Every thing he said or did always turned out into a rejection, a deceivement, a lie. It has never been any other way.
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies.
So I don't know what's real and what's not.
Always confusing the thoughts in my head.
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again.
I'm going under
Drowning in you.
I'm falling forever.
I've got to break through.
I'm going under!
Sara collapsed, she was destructed. Just now, Grissom saw a glass of scotch and a bottle of pills on the table. He opened it to see it was empty.
"Sara!!!" He screamed. " Stay with me please! I'm sorry sweetie. Please give me a chance to prove my love to you, to make up my mistakes. I can't live without you!"
His face was wet with tears pouring from his eyes.
Still crying, he kept calling her name and begged her to stay with him. But she couldn't. She had to end this. She couldn't cope with his lies any longer.
So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away.
I won't be broken again.
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under.
I'm going under!".
She closed her eyes, took one last breathe. Everything would soon be over.